Last week, I told my son about being Safe and Sound. This week, I’m scared more now than ever. What about his little brother? He’s scared of his shadow… And of me… What have I done? Nothing. When there’s so much that scares you. Virgil’s Scared To B.
Thursday, February 27, 2025
Meditation 241 ~Virgil’s Scared To B…~
1488 Days Without B III, Day 929 of Virgil’s Arrival
Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I didn’t get paid today, so I’m scared. But I’m alive, mathematically inclined, and more.
I am and will always be your father. But if I can only remember how, as I was telling the Man In The Mirror today, Sunday, February 23, 2025, after the 15th, things were meant to be getting better. For who, me? To think I was so scared for myself like I knew terror B.
I didn’t know FEAR until the veterinarian told me you were dying and there was nothing that could be done. And for two days… maybe… Friday afternoon, Saturday to Sunday.
“Stuff is getting better; stuff is getting better every day.”
That’s right out of the 1997 film The Postman. There was so much to be afraid of. I was scared of losing you. That God wasn’t listening. There could be a miracle I couldn’t afford.
And now I’m crying again…
It beats hiding in the bathroom or beating… something… Eww! Braxton, I watched you play with your toys all the time. And I asked you not to do that in front of your Aunt. Ha!
Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll lose the good memories of you. Or only the darkest echo.
B III, I need those memories more than ever. Anticipatory Grief, they call it. Right?
More like Anticipatory Screams waiting for the next horrible thing to happen to me, B.
Today, who knows? Sitting here at the Dining Room table, a part of the fence outside could fall. I read about Joy Reid getting effed by MSNBC. I’m contemplating something that happened in October 2024. Thanks, Norton, for making me remember what FEAR tastes like!
And what about Virgil? If B is for bravery, then V is for very scared. I swear I’ve never seen such a scared fur buddy. When you looked at me, I was the hero of the horror movie, and you trusted me to save you. I’m crying a lot today, Braxton. Seriously, I’ll quit it.
But with Virgil, at best, I’m a corpse, the walking dead, a ghost. Depression is a sickness, Braxton. But FEAR is worse. And in saying that, Virgil could see me as a villain. Why not?
What do I fear the most? There was losing you? Everyone, seeing the monster I am. And then there’s ignorance. To know I should be afraid, but what? Living, dying? Myself? Virgil’s Scared To B…
“I’d rather be afraid!” ― Casey from The Faculty (1998)
“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)
Always and Forever,
Your Dad