Tag: Hell

Saga 206 ~I Don’t Know Isn’t Stupidity~

WillLeave a comment

I ask authors, “things.” Or at least I read their books. The last one I talked to, I asked to see her yabbos. As far as asking anyone else anything… There’s B, but he never had answers. Comfort was enough. But speaking? “I Don’t Know Isn’t Stupidity”

Monday, January 23, 2023

Saga 206 ~I Don’t Know Isn’t Stupidity~

Two-Hundred and Seventy-Sixth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… which means stupidity, lies, and damn “white supremacy” (in some cases). It’s damn near a language, Madam.

But as the song goes, “first let me explain that I’m just a black man.” And while I could go all into racism as people like Ron DeSantis will keep it prevalent. Fuck you, DeSantis! Madam, for now, let’s focus on me. Oh, what? Not on my dead kid? Every day we take a step closer to Braxton’s second anniversary. That’s the wrong word, isn’t it, Madam? His Memorial Day? Aren’t I full of questions today? Now that I’m awake… in a better state of mind. But we’ll get to that in a bit. First, there’s B III. If only he were still alive. Madam, I don’t know how I’m going to do this. Pretty ironic, huh? The one I turned to never had answers.

Again, at least Braxton was/is real. And I would have never given in this morning. Madam, you can relax. As I said, I’m up now. Bright-eyed, bushy-tailed. Hairy butt? Virgil ticked me off last night. He’s becoming a brat with his outside time. Time-out? Last night he had to stay in Braxton’s room. So I didn’t bother thinking about behavior. Madam, I had mine to consider. My “Obsession” to go with another song. Fucking fuck. In case you were wondering where I was from, four in the morning, a half-hour. Cumming? I’m thankful that I didn’t. But there was Twitter, Tifa Lockhart’s tits, thumping over an English beauty, etc. How will I ever get over this? Boards don’t hit back. And some Triple D Yabbos?

It was either those or falling back asleep. The Million-dollar question. How do I exist? Every morning when I wake up… that’s Sugar Ray, by the way. Anyway, I look at the time. I was up at four again and settled down by 4:30. By five, I had an energy drink and had been watching The Last of Us reactions. On and off besides talking to you. And still, I wonder. Why don’t I have a billion dollars yet? You saw what it took to do banking and shopping. This week won’t be good, but with 100% truth, next week will be the worse since Sunday, January 31, 2021. Then 2022. Now a bratty friend in 2023. With no one to ask, I remain stupid. I Don’t Know Isn’t Stupidity

722 Days Without B III, Day 163 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 202 ~Virgil, Don’t B Mad~

WillLeave a comment

I’ve raised my voice at Virgil once… ok, twice. What he did on Braxton’s pillow, I tried to wash it and destroyed it. And sniffing Braxton’s bed. But Virgil’s not mad; he’s scared. Physically I’m sick, and my heart remains broken. Virgil, Don’t B Mad

Thursday, January 19, 2023

Saga 202 ~Virgil, Don’t B Mad~

718 Days Without B III, Day 159 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Even if you got food poisoning, you’d consider it your best day ever. But milkshakes…

2V can’t be mad at me today. Besides sharing a ton of fries with him, I’m sure he doesn’t have a stomachache right now. Not throwing up or crapping all over your room B III. About to get all TMI. Well, Jack’s is now one more place I can’t go anymore, considering how I’m feeling. But I can’t check the walking path, either. You remember all the walks you took until you got old and I was lazy. My zombie apocalypse buddy. Braxton, I swear I have plenty of reasons to be mad these days. A stomach bug. Way too many boobs, and missing you, my boy. More than ever. It’s making me a meanie regarding Virgil Vivi. I’m a crappy friend so far, B.

I’m sick and tired. Yes, plenty mad too. But Virgil is scared, if anything. It’s been about five months, and where is he? As I said, Braxton, your room lying on a pillow by himself. At least now I have an excuse. I don’t want him to see me like this, about to blow any minute. And I mean that in more ways than one. So gross, I know. I remember your good days and bad. If I thought of those more, I would focus on something other than your last ones, Braxton. And as far as Virgil is concerned… I suppose that’s one thing you two have in common, Triple B. Every day is your last and his first. And at best, I’m in the middle every given day.

But right now, I don’t know how I feel. Well, physically, I’m hopping out of bed. Fuck that milkshake! Or was it the chicken? The fries were on the chicken, but V’s good. I’m fucked. At least I’m too sick to be Humpin’ Around. So I can’t eat, I can’t hump, I’m just like you. How dare I compare this to your last days. Yet again, you see what I’m doing, don’t you, Little B? Anytime there’s pain, I have to dig into the greatest pain. Hurts Like Hell. As the song goes, “I loved and I loved and I lost you.” But I don’t love Virgil like you. When shall I? Not this month; the next, ever, I don’t know. Virgil, Don’t B Mad

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 200 ~Forms of Virgil, B’s…~

WillLeave a comment

It’s enough to make me hate writing? If it wasn’t signing my name on unpublished books, bills I have to pay, and the memories I created. It’s what Triple B is; a memory… So it’s B’s name, I won’t forget. Only those forms for 2V? Forms of Virgil, B’s…

Tuesday, January 17, 2023

Saga 200 ~Forms of Virgil, B’s…~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can cheat on our taxes every which way, right? And the termite guy?

There is also running a business, even if it’s mine always. Beats the fucking Day Job. There’s my writing which I must love (obviously). But it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. There’s being a Dad too. Report cards, field trips. The responsibility for our kids’ actions. But always, there will be Braxton. He’s the one that I saw first, loved first. Yeah, I’m not ashamed to write down that I’m a fan of “FLCL.” I’ve been all about anime these days. I’m trying not to think about the last thing I signed for Triple B. Better to have XXX, huh? Because being an adult sucks even with all these blessings. I’m able to afford repairs, inspections, and appointments. Did I have to say that? I’ll never forget Braxton’s last one…

Every day is another step closer to what will be two years, Sunday, January 31, 2021. The doc lucked out. As I’ve said before, not once have I blamed them. No reason. It’s my fault. Wednesday, February 10, 2021… I don’t remember if I signed anything; I think I did. That’s the day I picked up Little Braxton for the last time. Fearing reincarnation, Tupac… Why must I torture myself with this fact? But Saturday, August 13, 2022, there’s Virgil. He’s not Braxton. Every day I believe that more and more, and who knows when it will be set in stone. When I will write it down in all its finality. A form of catharsis, confession, a condition of my surrender to the truth, love.

B is gone. A ghost, a memory, or a Cuddle Clone. Don’t I still need to see the tax guy? Well, we do, right? Let the heart speak, but we had to sign paperwork too. And I never intend to erase it or sign something to the contrary. The Band Perry’s “Better Dig Two.” Hell! You won’t be signing any papers for me yet. I have a son to remember, a wife to love, and a world to put in its place. Big talk for someone cringing at every bill despite being in our position. Lovers, parents, family but payment forms, cash, check, credit? Lover, husband, daddy. Easy signing at the bottom and ignoring the bottom line at rock bottom. Remember, Forms of Virgil, B’s…

716 Days Without B III, Day 157 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 199 ~Find Pains Greater Than Fear~

WillLeave a comment

Braxton is the word of God. As Christians say, God is Love. God to Dog. Easy mistake. Now FEAR and PAIN… I’ve claimed fear’s a great pain, next to losing B, the greatest. There’s Blue Balls, my “father, stupidity, and the GOP. Find Pains Greater Than Fear

Monday, January 16, 2023

Saga 199 ~Find Pains Greater Than Fear~

Two-Hundred and Seventy-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… which means I shouldn’t fear a damn thing. Honestly, there’s always… well, don’t need the cops knocking.

I don’t fear death. I wonder if Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. did. His birthday was yesterday and today’s his day… Hell! I wish I could say I looked into him first thing. Nope! Braxton. After that came porn. Then there was The Last of Us. Finally, Dr. King. He had much to fear. Fear is a great pain; I’m sorry, Grammarly and Hemmingway, for my lack of IQ. STUPIDITY! Next to the pain of my son’s passing/murder… Being Stupid is What Hurts The Most. It’s what leads me to read every single day. Or why I feel so “proud” watching The Last of Us and being all, “I understood that reference.” But nearly every waking moment Madam like the song goes, “I feel stupid!”

And to avoid it, I sleep only to feel worse after, for having to face the day. The time wasted. If you asked me what I wanted to do today, well, besides everything I’ve done since four in the morning. Well, starting with this conversation that we’re having. Fearing existence. There’s wanting to organize everything that’s piling up that I never get done. Lazy Ass! There’s also a book review I want to do… Things that keep me up, Madam. My Braxton, worrying things are breaking down. And some girls’ boobs. If only every book were written by a girl with a set of melons I’ve “almost” seen. But I won’t. But I’m not sleeping.

It’s a pain. But, yes, a fear as well, right?

Blue Balls keep me awake as well. I keep thinking, any minute now. I’m going to explode all over the place. If you saw what broke me from a 161-day streak mourning my B III.

A greater pain is what is about to happen a little less than an hour from now. I swear, dealing with people. At least this time, it isn’t my fault Madam. The pain my father brings. Isn’t it ironic? He is the one that not only brings pain but the very spirit of fear. But B? Braxton made me braver than I could ever know. But a pain far worse than my father could dare to dream. Then again, being brought to this existence? Fear? Find Pains Greater Than Fear.

715 Days Without B III, Day 156 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 195 ~B “Stairs” Down Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Virgil successfully climbed up the stairs today. And what was my accomplishment? I stepped up my porn viewing. I climbed up the stairs at the Day Job to avoid people. What would B III be proud of? B “Stairs” Down Virgil.

Thursday, January 12, 2023

711 Days Without B III, Day 152 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I haven’t looked up in some time. Looked down? That our song Don’t Look Down?

I have yet to listen to one song on Spotify this year. I’m still trying to pick something to set the tone for the new year. Don’t Look Down, Just Look Up, and He Lives In You, to name a few. Staring down at the phone when we should be talking. You remember B III. Can’t say I have such memories with Virgil yet, but it’s been five months and some change, 152 days, to be precise. But you’ve seen everything. Kinda scares me when I’d go out of my way to keep something from you. What kind of Dad would I be, ha? I am trying with Virgil Vivi, honest. He could need you more than me right now, don’t you think, B III?

Yesterday was not one of my best days. And that was with getting off early. Yuck! Get your mind out of the gutter or wherever it was. The stuff that you would get into, Braxton. Yes, I’m reading yet another book about dead fur babies. “The Grief Recovery Handbook for Pet Loss.” Braxton Barks, you wish I’d keep my head out of such things. Memories. Like King Ezekiel would say, “and yet I smile.” It’s good to think about how you’d bury yourself in your aunt’s cleavage. Beats you being buried in another way. Fucking low. Speaking of which, yesterday. Remember I said I wished you didn’t see me like that… much too often. My Triple B seeing some Triple X exploits in Saimin Seishidou.

In this Mad Season…, yet another song for the playlist I’m building. Virgil needs you. Braxton, it’s not like I remember how you learned to navigate the stairs. One of the few things I can’t write about. But you learned, and that was a miracle. Your whole life was B. My little miracle, my son, my best friend. One of the few things I can claim in this world I continue to exist in. And I can only imagine you giving me one of your looks. You know, the ones that seemed to say. I hate this inflection, but “… is you crazy.” Yesterday yes. The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. More like The Reika and Reina Kurashiki occurrence. So let’s say B “Stairs” Down Virgil.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 193 ~Calendars B Tripping Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Sometimes in January… this will be the second one. Not on the 10th, but on the 31st. There are so many dates I rather not remember. I can’t tell you when I found love but when I lost it. Yet the days keep falling off Calendars, B Tripping Virgil

Tuesday, January 10, 2023

Saga 193 ~Calendars B Tripping Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I won’t ever invest in Swanson; thanks, Tuckems. I’m more for Boston Market. Marie Callender’s?

My love, money didn’t change me. I mean, sure, as Forrest Gump said, “That’s good. One less thing.” I’ll be one for hoodies and jeans always and forever. Not that serious, but when I got new glasses, I wanted the same frame and, barring that, more Triple B’s color. When it comes to women, well, not to go all Alanis Morissette but AHEM “You, you, you oughta know. Hell! You know I love you, but when it comes to people, “I am an equal opportunity misanthropist,” as Andrew Davidson put it. Only with women, well… there was than Asian fetish I had. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, strawberry blondes, black hair. Look at the date; Wednesday is a year since The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. Um, feelings…

And speaking of fantasies, Victorian Maid Maria no Houshi. And Katainaka ni Totsui de Kita-Russia Musume to H Shimakuru Ohanashi. I wish I could remember when I got into Hentai and cosplay. One of many dates I can’t recall. But there are three events this month. I’ve told you about one which was a little fucked up. With you and a therapist. I can afford therapy now. Oh, I have no delusions of myself being mentally healthy. I’m sure you can agree. Anyway, the first, of course, was New Year’s Day. God help me; I’m trying to keep at least one resolution. How many have I made for you, our kids, and the businesses I run? I know; I made one; keep Virgil Vivi alive.

Only this morning, as with every day, my first thought was of Braxton Barks Bradford. Did I say that out loud? If I wanted to be in the dog house… Well, it’s January. Where else would I be than with my boy this second year? I didn’t even take a nap when I got back. Love, there is so much to do. I’m not holding out much hope. Because, again, you can see all the distractions. I don’t want to think about it. And yet buying books, bullion, and biscuits. Though I haven’t set another one in B III’s memory. And what about us, love? You’re not something only placed calendar-wise. But, as long as I’m breathin’, Braxton will be “31st.” Calendars B Tripping Virgil.

709 Days Without B III, Day 150 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 192 ~Sleep, Is The New Broke~

WillLeave a comment

How do I fix my wallet, want to be awake, and make myself worthwhile to my son? Work? Well, not my Day Job. But to write? Only I spend all my time sleeping, so the bed must be broken. How’s this for motivation? “Sleep Is The New Broke”

Monday, January 9, 2023

Saga 192 ~Sleep, Is The New Broke~

Two-Hundred and Seventy-Fourth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… and the first thing I’ll buy… if they can’t bring Braxton back from the ashes. A bed.

I know exactly where I got this rule from. It’s from one of Eric Thomas’s motivational speeches. And that’s what I should be talking about, but Wednesday, January 4, 2023. Madam, I can’t get the humiliation off my mind. Talk about having a big head. We’ll get to that, but you know what I mean today, Thursday, January 5, 2023. I didn’t want to wake up. I stay woke, but that’s because I feel such hatred, I’m horny, and he’s by my side, Little V. It’s hard to do anything STUPID when you have a fur baby. But dying, Madam? Yeah, the feelings aren’t going away. If I don’t die in this bed… It will break underneath me sometime soon. The way I’ve been sleeping.

Only sleeping? Don’t get your hopes up, Madam. The only play being done in this bed is Virgil running around. There are also several games not “Pictures on My Phone.” Wheeler Walker Jr, thank you very much. I got to talk to M Anime, and then there’s Cherry’s new book. Think of all the books I read if they were physical and not Kindle. There’s also the fact that I have all these conversations in the center of the bed. And when I’m done, it’s right back to sleep, despite how I say I’m getting things done. 4:00 AM, earlier? Then there’s the screaming, crying, and smashing my head against a pillow. No wonder Virgil tries to take it from me. Fur babies, boobies, balls.

Well, I only got two of those. And I do mean balls. I’m still not sure about V and boobies. I’ve mentioned how horny I’ve been, which again brings to mind chatting up the ladies. Now I won’t be breaking the bed anytime soon, bouncing. But I may be breaking my wallet at some point. And with how I’ve been behaving at the Day Job, cutting out early this week. I mean 5th and the 3rd. What? I don’t want the money. It’s Humiliations Galore. I can’t take it, Madam. But if I could stay awake? Hell! I planned on seeing M3GAN this week, and then there’s The Last of Us. I’m broke in more ways than one, Madam. But Sleep Is The New Broke

708 Days Without B III, Day 149 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 188 ~To B New Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

The first thing, the first someone that made me want to be a better man, ha, wasn’t some parent or teacher. A lovely girl with decent Yabbos made me clean the house. Or flash some cash. But a four-legged kid… I Tried, I try? To B New Virgil

Thursday, January 5, 2023

Saga 188 ~To B New Virgil~

704 Days Without B III, Day 145 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Are you having a good year, seeing as I’m from the past, the future… whatever

Time-Travel is way past my pay grade Braxton. And speaking of time, you know why I’m talking to you on Saturday, December 31, 2022. Today, this year, already fucking hell! There are better ways to start the year. Am I right? It’s my third cry of the day this morning. Braxton, by the time you read this, how many times will I have cried? And more tears are coming. Remind me that I need to see to it getting time off for Tuesday, January 31, 2023, and Feb 1. Ok, Triple B, I’m going to stop crying now. Then again, Virgil might be awfully confused by the change. “You’ll be like lil’ John Q and get a change of heart.” Do you think so, Braxton? Yep, still looking up music.

Ludacris? Both the man and ludicrous my existence. Both cruel and, as for now, necessary. Though I want to say, highly unnecessary. But again, Virgil is here. And how does he know me? Indeed do you know me at all? The day you went away… I wish I had too. The fact that I’m writing this at all (sigh). Unless, by some miracle, I’m not going to do something STUPID today. But again, Little B, I have thought about it. Anytime I open my eyes. Indeed the moment you took your last breath, I closed my eyes. Brand new me. Unfortunately for me. Anyway, this is a brand new year. “It’s a new world, it’s a new start.” Again with the music. Nothing new, B.

I can’t even guess what might be new because of how far I’m jumping. No, not like that, Triple B. If I am keeping my promise… that’s one of many reasons B III. You know, going crazy over Triple X or something like that. Once again, RAGE driving me bonkers. How about thinking that Virgil Vivi could be you somehow? I don’t even remember “Me Before You.” Or I just don’t want to. Hell! I’d give anything to be who I was… perhaps two weeks before you died. And every week I write, I’ll be the person you think, Braxton. Virgil would be better off. But then again, you might have lived. Yet how to see the man in the mirror? To B New Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 186 ~Love To B Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I heard in a movie that love can’t tell time. Yes and no. I can’t remember when B III jumped in the car… and he hates car rides. The moment he left… Jan 31, 2021, at about 3:45 PM. When I told the right girl, I love her? Beats me. “Love To B Virgil.”

Tuesday, January 3, 2023

Saga 186 ~Love To B Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. And have a much more interesting story than I inherited my wealth. I Work Hard 120!

As seems to be the theme of this year… well, the first week of January, like everyone else, my love. I’m trying to get motivated. I didn’t say positive, I’m afraid, but to get going. Only I know you still need me to be here. Does it help that I’m buying more stuff for us? As the song goes, “money can’t buy me love.” No amount to save Braxton. And then there’s Virgil. I know my story. I know how I feel. Yeah, I mentioned I’m buying more books and TV. Hell! Today, I bought another book about mourning fur babies. And now I want to watch a show about a man who pretty much adopts a daughter after losing one. The Last of Us

Braxton was/is a gift to me. And I take the fact that his story was seen all over the world… Well, I’ve always said he’s the one that made me the man I am today. The good and the bad, but you love me, so who am I to complain? No. For 702 Days, I have been one to mourn. And like with all of the books I’ve been reading, well, minus all those in December. I don’t want to know anything else. I’m too focused on B III’s death to worry about 2V’s life. Incredible life story before I met him, I’m sure. Did he love someone? Lose someone. How about letting it go? As I said, 702 days without B. Virgil’s had 143.

To make you feel my love. What about our children? What about Virgil? Even now, I’m not sure about him. But for you and ours… I’d do everything Bob Dylan wrote about and Adele sang about. I like the cover version, but that’s not the point. Looking at Virgil now… A whole new year and the same ole song and dance. Virgil’s not Braxton’s reincarnation. If anything, he’s more like me. Virgil’s so confused, quiet, and figuring out his universe. But that doesn’t mean he can’t find his way to bed at night. We’re all around him, but what does that mean? I’d ask how long will it take him to accept love. What do I have to give? More time? Love To B Virgil

702 Days Without B III, Day 143 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 185 ~Comfort’s Not Limited To Politeness~

WillLeave a comment

The second day of the new year, and am I comfortable yet? I wish I could have that day when I scooped B up, told him to shush, and fell asleep. He was dying, and I wasn’t being polite… ignoring him. Such a lesson. Comfort’s Not Limited To Politeness.

Monday, January 2, 2023

Saga 185 ~Comfort’s Not Limited To Politeness~

Two-Hundred and Seventy-Third Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… which means a lot more comfort and surely much less politeness. That might make a good resolution.

I’m speaking to you from a year ago, Madam. Saturday, December 31, 2022, being precise. And much like right this moment, as the song goes, “there is no love here, and there is no pain.” The Day Job? The indifference that led to the death of my son. One thing remains. But this week Madam. Hell! Today, yesterday, the day before? Whatever song gets picked. I’ve gone from “He’s My Son” to “Am I A Psycho.” There’s “The Way,” “Every Day Is Exactly The Same,” and “Enormous Penis.” Um, ok, that would be… uh, uncomfortable. First off, my continuing to exist makes me pretty damn uncomfortable. A terrible sign for the beginning of the year. Only what, Madam, “Put On A Happy Face.” My resolution?

It begins with the truth. The Man in the Mirror is never comfortable. Unless he and I agree… “we pretend that we’re dead.” I only took a short nap today and spoke to Lunalesca and Braxton. Anyway, back to my resolution. It’s not “I’m Here”; it’s “I’m waiting to see who will piss me off.” That’s my new phrase for the Day Job. Politeness? Again that quickly fell to indifference which killed my kid. Then there’s Virgil (sigh). But the thing is, B III is still here. And while I can’t say I’ll speak comforting memories, I’ll speak “B.” And while there is no way I’ll keep this promise as long as I’m talking. I’ll be “me” like I was with him. Always and forever…

Well, minus the porn, as you can see. Bible Black? I can do so much worse, Madam. Today I unsubscribed from a girl on OnlyFans for… fart jokes, eww. But I hope I haven’t fallen back into jerking off so soon, especially this month. The Zoe Colletti, Tifa Lockhart pain… I want to publish a book this year. Which will be one of the polite ones. Yet you know there are plenty that aren’t so much. What to do with them? Get uncomfortable and work; that’s the big thing. I try to be so polite to others. And then I’m more so to myself, Madam. Holding back everything seems so damn polite. But if I want any real comfort here… Comfort’s Not Limited To Politeness.

701 Days Without B III, Day 142 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will