Tag: Lonely

Saga 116 ~Love To B Virgil~

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He cries whenever he’s alone. He waits for someone else to tell him what to do. And I have no clue when they took his balls. What am I talking about? Virgil and I are so much alike. Only I wish I could stay in a comfy spot all day. “Love To B Virgil”

Tuesday, October 25, 2022

Saga 116 ~Love To B Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and money talks. But that shouldn’t be all there is to life. Hell, existence! Three words.

“I Love You.” Like trying to remember to say Virgil’s name every day. B can’t say a single thing anymore. Then again, he never said anything at all. But he was me; I was him. Without him around, I don’t remember the last time I said those three words. Let me take that back. When was the last time that those words had weight to them? I love you babe. Or, as the song goes, “I Got You Babe.” That I do love, always and forever. But the words still matter. “More Than Words?” Yes, and no. How often have I talked about needing to know that you love me? With Braxton, I never worried. And with Virgil, for the moment, I don’t care (sigh).

Neither does he. As usual, I am time-traveling. And I’m cutting it relatively close. Today is October 23, 2022. Was there ever a doubt that I love writing; how many years has it been? Then again, I’m “Going Through The Motions.” When was the last time I wrote something that I paid attention to? And NaNoWriMo is coming up soon, and there are no ideas. Before I forget, there’s Virgil’s Doctor’s Appointment. Well, “If It Isn’t Love?” Enough to get him checked out and those nails of his. Wasn’t I all upset and ashamed yesterday? Doesn’t matter how much money we have; the feelings remain the same. But by that logic, why am I upset with myself for how I treat you and our kids?

I haven’t talked to a doctor in forever about being Bipolar. With all the money we have now, my love? No. Let me focus on my family instead of being a selfish bastard yet again. Selfish bastard is quickly becoming my new catchphrase. My idiocy, insanity, and what about intimacy? Is sex always on my mind? Yes, it is with my business but then again. This AM, I was listening to Trevor Noah talk about intimacy where men are concerned. Sex and intimacy can be combined, of course. But I have felt empty, lonely, and indifferent for a while now. No balls for life. Much like V, being moved from one place to the other. Where Is The Love? Damn, I’d Love To B Virgil

632 Days Without B III, Day 073 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 113 ~B A Sloth Virgil~

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Sin can be exhausting. Lust keeps me awake. Wrath is how I survive the day-to-day. And while I have no pride for myself… well, I am proud of B III. But Virgil? He’s gaining courage but finding it can be tiring and with my laziness. “B A Sloth Virgil”

Saturday, October 22, 2022

Saga 113 ~B A Sloth Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’m afraid I won’t be. I talk plenty about lust, wrath, and pride but fear.

Fear can be exhausting. I’ve never blamed B III for leaving; oh no, Lady Lunalesca. Braxton’s death and me being the selfish bastard that I am. It’s my failure and my disgrace. That’s true. What I don’t know is what movie that’s from. Lunalesca, to find it at some point. Only, of course, you know what that would lead to. “Fuck goin’ online that ain’t part of my day,” Drake says. Hell! The day is only beginning, and so far, I’ve avoided the porn, Lu. Ok, that’s a lie between Pinterest and Twitter, but how else am I supposed to wake up, I ask. I wonder how Braxton did it. Sure he likes his toy, but he loves me. Locked in his room even, so…

And to think I would protect him from seeing me like THAT! But when it came to my anger, rage, and wrath… I don’t believe Virgil has ever seen me like that. Well, short of when he was sniffing around Braxton’s bed. That’s not for him. There’s B III’s pillow? Lunalesca, if anything, most of my wrath is for myself. I hate myself without question. This week it’s been all about the medication. Which I have come to believe was a waste of money. I can’t afford a specialist. This morning, I only realized that I had missed a dose. Yet I’ll find the strength to go to the Day Job this coming week. I’ll hate every second of it. Oh, and there’s Virgil’s appointment.

Do you remember that movie “Augusta, Gone,” where Augusta argues that she’s a good sister? I keep saying it, I ain’t Virgil’s Dad. But Lunalesca, being V’s owner? GOP bullshit! But I want to show that this place is better for him. Only I keep looking at him, his nails. My fucking pride? I’m sorry about all the swearing. It was the same, Braxton’s passing. Lunalesca, I was the worst person ever when I was holding him there, shaking, dying. Virgil hasn’t hacked up a lung in days. He’s beginning to walk into rooms courageously. Shouldn’t that make me proud? I’ve avoided jacking off for sixteen days. Um, pride, yep. Though the fear remains. Lie here and forget the world, right? B A Sloth Virgil

629 Days Without B III, Day 070 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 112 ~Sounding Like B, Virgil~

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I wish I could say, “you’re just like your brother.” Or rather, “you are your brother.” I’m leaning more towards V Being Virgil. But when I leave, it’s like hearing two dogs instead of one. But when I hear those nails clacking… Sounding Like B Virgil

Friday, October 21, 2022

Saga 112 ~Sounding Like B, Virgil~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I still think about cloning my son. If ashes were enough. Another reason to cry…

No, that’s been Virgil’s thing for at least a week, maybe more. As I’m sure I’ve told one of the girls, I didn’t notice until recently. It sounded like two dogs fighting every day (sigh). Isn’t that precisely what’s happening? Braxton isn’t going anywhere, and now Virgil is here, so… Am I giving up on the reincarnation bit? I’m reading “Come Back: Reincarnation, Our Pets, Second Chances” by Tina Proffitt. It’s “different…” weird, madness, inevitably? I believe I will see Triple B again. Unfinished business, like all the stories I have written and haven’t done a damn thing with. That’s another reason I cry every time I see my Day Job schedule. A triple to Hell and Hell! Virgil shares the sentiment as Braxton did.

Well, once upon a time, at least. Soon B’s tears turned happier. He wasn’t crying when I left but with my return… I’d say I read the situation wrong but lacking thumbs; he had his little tail. Yeah, he would cut through the air with that thing. His hair remains everywhere, Sophia. But now Virgil is adding on. Although his birthday was nothing to write about Sophia. But here I am, trying. I bought him a burger and fries, that’s it. What about a gift, a toy? Um, I was talking to Braxton’s Aunt yesterday, telling her about 2V’s first vet appointment. Besides my waterslide dream, I was dreaming about what the vet might say about Virgil’s nails. That’s the only reason I’m reading paperwork.

I want to know if Virgil can get his nails clipped before then. We had an incident yesterday when one of his nails got wrapped in the pillow. I had to cut him loose. Remember how B was about his paws? After I got Virgil free, I almost said something. Sophia, I wanted to say, “Well, you did better than Braxton.” Sophia, that’s a never, for damn sure. Only now, Virgil’s starting to walk from Braxton’s room to here… Courage? And me being the selfish bastard I am, you know what that means. No more Triple X if he can waltz in here anytime. How about when he starts talking back like B learned to? Is Virgil conversing with my Braxton? Sounding Like B, Virgil

628 Days Without B III, Day 069 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 111 ~Won’t B Long Virgil~

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Happy Birthday, Virgil!!! I haven’t said that out loud. I have to remember to say his name a few times a day. He was “Archie” for a year and 9 months. Hasn’t been Virgil for 3 months. And how long has it been since picking up B … Won’t B Long Virgil.

Thursday, October 20, 2022

Saga 111 ~Won’t B Long Virgil~

627 Days Without B III, Day 068 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I suppose I should ask Virgil that; it is his birthday, after all. He’s 2.

You remember Braxton how I would rail about politics. Hell! I should go watch porn. Braxton, I gave you a real time-out when I killed you 627 days ago. That isn’t even remotely funny, I know. Do you wish I would stop saying that? No politics or porn, but Petsmart? Mark this day in your calendar, well, yesterday, anyway. I went to Petsmart to the back. Banfield Hospital, and set up Virgil Vivi’s first appointment since he’s been here. Not today. Braxton, V’s first appointment will be next week. In the middle of another horrible one. If I had done that for you, you might still be alive. I’m trying B, honest. I was almost in tears yesterday. And not one has been shed today.

Give it time. Virgil doesn’t know about the appointment, age, or the aches and pains of this life. Who am I to say that? Besides being a lazy ass when coming to talk to you, I was also doing some research. What? I’m not for the GOP. Now you B, on the other hand, Build the Wall; well, at least the fence around the yard. And you hated everybody, my little misanthrope. Like father, like son, but I hope you made time yesterday to say hi to your aunt. Better yet, scratch that. Her anniversary and all. I’d say you killed my sex life, but we both know that ain’t true. I was busy trying to diddle the maid. I can’t talk to her either.

Now, what was I saying? Oh yeah, research. There was a time I believe that Virgil was born in February. Giving credence to your reincarnation. But again, V’s paperwork today. I want to say he’s 14 in human years, but from what I read today, he’s closer to 24. What am I to do with that, you know? But you know what makes me a horrible person, B III? It’s the fact that I WAS thinking V was closer to death. Don’t get me wrong, Triple B, I’m not a… what, murderer? No harm will come to him, but I don’t love him. With you, it was love you B, love you, Braxton. With Virgil, it’s LATER; his appointment, his birthday, and having his own things. Won’t B Long Virgil.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 109 ~B’s Vigil Of Virgil~

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I’ve said it so many times; I love B’s eyes. If he’s looking down on me or up at me somewhere, well… I want to be better. If he isn’t reincarnated as Virgil. Then for his V’s sake, B wishes I could have such love. Or such cash. “B’s Vigil Of Virgil.”

Tuesday, October 18, 2022

Saga 109 ~B’s Vigil Of Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I could get one of those animal communicators. I know they’re not that much.

But speaking of wasting money on me instead of spending it on caring for my family, love. I’m the one that’s taking a pill at 8:00 at night instead of Braxton. Even some 625 days in, I still go and shake his pill bottles and call to him. Who am I talking to, you know? I’m sure V would like to know. I tried doing it while he was outside. But I need to watch over him. And that’s the thing, isn’t it? Someone to watch over me as THEY say, isn’t it? Why do you think I’m worried about my health now? A man provides for his family, right? But other than the “Dollar dollar bill, y’all.” Well, I’m no angel fluttering from above.

Hell! I’m not even the prince on a white horse. I want to be all you want me to be, baby girl. I want to be someone that our kids can look up to today. “What Makes a Good Man?” I’ve never been that baby doll. How about what makes a man, period? Today and of course, I’m time traveling. It’s Wednesday, October 12, 2022. Anyway, I’ve told everyone I would yell at some doctors today. Have I? I hate confrontation. When we’re done talking, who knows? I didn’t even take a nap today, and why? Worried, War, and for the week so far, no Wanking. So why not make love to you? Why not stare at Virgil, figuring him out? Best Friend, Kid, Protector…

Is Braxton looking at me from on high or down below or wherever barking to himself? “Daddy, why don’t you love them the way you love me?” Husband, Father, Friend. Braxton could be looking at me through his eyes, wanting to know what’s wrong today. If there is a God, counting up all my sins today alone must be no small task to be sure. I’m somewhat surprised I haven’t heard from my Olds. I’m sure I would give my Ma access to my accounts. That leads me back to today and who I should be fighting with again over all this money. I’m not rushing to see more of Hell. I got you on your throne and my firstborn somewhere. B’s Vigil Of Virgil

625 Days Without B III, Day 066 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 106 ~Life B Cruel Virgil~

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Life IS cruel because I ain’t Elvis… Hell! I would settle for being an “influencer.” But that’s pretty hard to do when breathing, making the bed, and looking after the other boy is all I manage. How about touching a girl’s hand? “Life B Cruel Virgil”

Saturday, October 15, 2022

Saga 106 ~Life B Cruel Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I’m a bad man. I want to be in a bedroom type of way.

I miss Dirty Diana. And I wish I could talk to Inspector Echo today. Hell! I can if it wasn’t for having to pick up food today. I have half a can of soup and some pizza rolls for real. A man provides Lady Lunalesca. Why? It ain’t like Braxton is here no more. And the way Virgil scared me last night. Something got caught in his teeth… And what did I do? I didn’t know what to do. But here’s my confession (sigh). If Virgil Vivi choked or something. It wouldn’t have been a feeling of love but more the idea of responsibility, Lunalesca. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want him to die, and there would have been guilt, but… He’s not Braxton.

Is the jury still out on his “reincarnation?” Would B III want to go this route? Life is cruel, Lunalesca. The last thing he would want is to listen to me. Being a fucking monster. Yesterday is the perfect example and what I have been thinking about all night, Lunalesca. So I was at the Day Job the other day, and this coworker asked for a shoe cart. I find one for her and begin to maneuver it out the door. We both reach for it, and my hand covers hers. That’s it and nothing more. A second of touching the girl’s hand and I have made myself the worst person in the world, a beast. Well, I killed my boy, and as far as Virgil… Does he even care?

The song says, “It’s not easy to be me.” How some say, a breath is the easiest thing, Lu. To quote a song, “Living is easy with eyes closed. Misunderstanding all you see.” Dreams. Last night was the first in a couple that I didn’t have any. Um, a door creaking but by now. Hell! If I die, I die. I can’t tell if the medication is working, but you know how I am. Lunalesca, all I can do is exist as routinely as possible to avoid losing my mind to the cruelty. Breathing, I think, is one of the hardest things in the world to do. Breathing again? With what I’ve been doing? And making sure Virgil keeps going on. Life B Cruel Virgil.

622 Days Without B III, Day 063 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 105 ~Virgil Speaks, B’s Words~

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I never read anything of B III’s puppyhood, so his birthday is February 13, 2005. But I’m most sure of the day, the hour, the moment he left me. I got V’s papers. What about my own? No wonder my eyes hurt. And my ears? “Virgil Speaks, B’s Words”

Friday, October 14, 2022

Saga 105 ~Virgil Speaks, B’s Words~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I have the time to train Virgil with those buttons that say words, right?

More like I’m showing how lazy I am because I don’t need a billion to do that. Now bringing Braxton back from a pile of ashes… That’s dark. But I’m not reading about reincarnation anymore. Then again, I don’t know. Time-Travel, Sunday, October 9, 2022. Which, of course, is why we’re talking today. This week sucks something awful. No, I don’t mean me. Sorry, sex talk, and I am trying to curb back. How I punish myself. How I wish. Why not with reading? Every time I finish a book, unlike these conversations, I have to see what I’ve done. All the books I’ve read, and I’m shooting for 52 in a year. Of 41, only 5 haven’t related to dogs in some way Sophia.

I’m sure we’ve had this conversation before. Or was it with the other girls around here (sigh), “It Doesn’t Matter?” I don’t deserve any respite. “The Cabin at the End of the World” was the only one I CHOSE to read. As I told Braxton’s Aunt. I’m always for an apocalypse. Again that happened on Sunday, January 31, 2021. I sit on the loveseat. Not as often as I like, but I do. Only reading there… Hell! I might have had the energy before Tuesday, January 11, 2022. I know I keep focusing on those dates. The GOP be damned. Sophia, I don’t run from history. But that history is resulting in some big bills. As you can see, I didn’t visit the doctor today.

What about Virgil? I could take him to the doctor, and the groomers on his birthday and finally, say I’m trying to do right by him. Yeah, tell that to Braxton after 15 years. Starting with a schedule from the Day Job (shudders). I had no idea that would be B III’s last day. Why not read a receipt if I decide to pick up food now or the Friday you read this, Sophia? In the end, many years from now. Oh, it makes me sad or exhausted; I’m not sure anymore which is worse. I’ll read some paperwork about Virgil. By then, I’ll have B’s name on my flesh. I know Virgil. Braxton, he’s not will repeat my firstborn’s words. Virgil Speaks, B’s Words

621 Days Without B III, Day 062 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 104 ~ Virgil’s Resting B Face~

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I wish we could go back to wearing masks. I mean, nothing’s stopping me. Well, three shots, four if you count the doc taking my blood. But that first year, B always recognized me mask and all. And in 2022, Virgil looks at me? Virgil’s Resting B Face.

Thursday, October 13, 2022

Saga 104 ~ Virgil’s Resting B Face~

620 Days Without B III, Day 061 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? As always, your guess is as good as mine when it comes to this day.

Once again, Braxton, I’m time-traveling. But I will never forget the face you made when I’d come back. I’m trying hard not to cry today or give myself any reason to close my eyes. Blinking? I still do that plenty when I think I see you. Hell! It was only this morning when I called for you to take your medicine. We’ll get to me taking mine or the lack of meds in a minute. Only today is Saturday, October 8, 2022. But if there is one thing I know for sure, when it comes to 620 days, “I’ll Be Seeing You.” That sounds ominous. I mean, B, I’ll always see you everywhere I go, forever and always. Most of all, I’m protecting your spots.

Oh, what about your pillow? I wish I could have seen my face then. Now that’s strange coming from me, who avoids mirrors. To take a good look right now, B, all then and now. I’ve been worried about if the medicine is changing me. I’m sure I had a smidge of hope before. Today, I’m fearful. Three pills left. I only got a week’s supply to beat this infection. Do you remember how I became? Whenever you were running out of meds? The first time I almost killed you. Of course, that vet we hated was the one that saved your life. Maybe Braxton… Yeah, I got the thought that he could have saved you 620 days ago. Tears…

Not many days go without me crying over you. It’s not like Virgil is watching. And to further jinx myself. V hasn’t been hacking up all over the place. I wonder, has anything changed for him, for you? Today is one of those that I don’t believe but come Thursday? All I know is I looked into his eyes today, and you know what I saw. There was only black. I didn’t see myself or his happiness. To this day, I remember the last look in your eyes, Braxton. Why? Virgil’s face has those two tan furry patches beside his eyes. The color of you. Are you trying to tell me something, Braxton? I might be better served looking in the mirror. He Lives In You. Virgil’s Resting B Face

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 102 ~Braxton And Virgil’s Ouchies~

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I’m a sucker for pain, yet I look at it strangely. I can’t stand seeing B and V hurt. I hate hunting but respect farms for animals. Women must be respected, but I’m a fan of X-Rated. But I’m paying for the doc. Not for Braxton’s And Virgil’s Ouchies.

Tuesday, October 11, 2022

Saga 102 ~Braxton And Virgil’s Ouchies~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but another truth is this. I’m just a “Sucker For Pain,” my love. Sadist, no doubt.

But when I’m talking about Braxton and now Virgil… Again I’m a selfish bastard. Why? Because I didn’t allow Braxton to hurt anymore? Yeah, baby doll, I’m back on these books about dead fur babies. Euthanasia. I couldn’t stand to see Braxton like that. Dying. Looking away, though, was never an option. To see the most beautiful thing and ugliest. Now I look at little Virgil here. I’ll have to go out despite anything and everything. An empty bag, an empty bowl, no. A man provides for his family. I do say that, hmm, love. But while I’m out, there’s something else I need to do, isn’t there? Besides worrying about Virgil’s nails, him getting a bath, an annual checkup? If I wasn’t so lazy.

Or so much of a sadist. Baby girl, I get no pleasure seeing you and the kids like this. To quote another song, “this love is killing me.” Then I would stay, wouldn’t I? If I liked watching what I was doing. Or if I wanted to suffer for it. Even with Braxton. Confession? I usually leave them for Inspector Echo. But the day before B III died, I left the house a bit. I needed to get food. And it wasn’t for Braxton because he wasn’t eating. Would I have let the vet drug him up if I could do it all over again? He could have fries and all his favorites for another few days. I am strange when it comes to pain.

And that’s why I’d be going out to see the doc even if I didn’t have to fetch V’s food. Oh, it isn’t the fact I’m trying to save money. A billionaire that wears jeans and hoodies everywhere. And hates being around most people. Well, with my business exception, ha. Funny, I wanted a business based on Fornication, Flimsy dressing requirements. All so I could have a Family. These things demand medical care. When it came to B III… money. I would have paid anything or gone full John Q. And now, with Virgil’s health care, once again, I’m a prick. With my mental state and the needs of you and our children. What? I should be a masochist, sigh. First, Braxton And Virgil’s Ouchies.

618 Days Without B III, Day 059 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 099 ~To B Invited Virgil~

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When was the last time I was invited anywhere? 2019 and that was to B’s Aunt’s wedding. How much did I spend to go? I trust the science, but how do I feel after a week of meds? I invited V to stay. I thought he was someone else… “To B Invited Virgil”

Saturday, October 8, 2022

Saga 099 ~To B Invited Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I’m living the dream. Is it sad to believe that money is life, Lunalesca?

I’m still waiting for the money I spent to start existing again somehow. I’m beginning to think that $17.09 wasn’t the right price. And should I go and fetch Braxton’s paperwork? Oh, right, that wasn’t to save him at all. I’m not crying, Lunalesca. If anything, I want to sleep. What about the price for Virgil? I’m pretty sure I’m not saving him, either. Then again, if something happens to me… That’s a plus for him being like B III. Having the idea, I want to go all John Dorie (FTWD 6×8 The Door), and I don’t… Ok, so I’m fighting to live, and again how is that going so far? I invited Virgil into this house, and for what, I ask? To not die.

To not die. That’s why there’s an infection in my body because I was doing something to make me feel alive. I wanted to know I existed. And Lunalesca, not a day passes I want to. Hell! The highlight of my day Is when I get to take another pill, and then I hope. Every stomach ache I get. When I feel a twinge of pain. You know, healing, curing, surviving. That’s the worst thing of all, Lunalesca. These insane thoughts say that one day, everything will be normal again. Like before Tuesday, January 11, 2022. Well, fuck me, Lady Luna. First, you wouldn’t ever. Second, pardon my language. And third, Lu, most importantly, what about Sunday, January 31, 2021? Braxton was invited to wherever.

The only place I’m invited to is the Day Job. Only they don’t want me there either. The American Way. My Republican tendencies. I should teach a History class as they do. Forced migration? I should feel ashamed, but that’s what birth was like. Emergence, Existence? Before I forget, Virgil’s birthday is coming up. Seeing the Day Job schedule, though? What will I do for Virgil Vivi? It’s clear. He doesn’t feel welcome in this house. In truth, that makes two of us. Again if Virgil weren’t here, I would’ve found the courage to leave. Lunalesca, why do I stay? Why do I try? Braxton hasn’t invited me yet to follow him wherever he is now. He’s not Virgil? Mad hope. To B Invited Virgil

615 Days Without B III, Day 056 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will