Tag: Safe and Sound

Meditation 248 ~B Excited Someday Virgil~

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Chains and whips excite me… Well, it’s more like chains, ropes, scarves, and a big enough (boulder holder) to hold a wrist. But I’d give it all up to have B on his leash again. Or for my old glasses… Yesterday was exciting… “B Excited Someday Virgil”

Thursday, March 6, 2025

Meditation 248 ~B Excited Someday Virgil~

1495 Days Without B III, Day 936 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? My day is only beginning, and I’m already disappointed. But I’m not crying… Not yet.

Excited? Only when I’m scared. When I’m being scary or amid a sin, but what am I afraid of today? Other than that, I live in a world without my protector. Where are you, Braxton?

I’ve been saying that a lot these days, B; I live in a world, fill in the blank. Because, oh no, the world is a scary place. I’m sure I scared you plenty. But not to death. I don’t think.

Anyway, I do miss your eyes. Hell! I miss my eyes this morning. The last thing I want is to get out of bed and look at myself in the mirror. Especially after what happened yesterday… The day before. As long as I’m blindly giving away $55.00. Effing new glasses!

I would pay anything to have you back, my prince. But God’s Favorite Princess… slightly less. If Cherry ever agreed to show me her Yabbos… But I respect her… Anyway…

Yesterday, Braxton, I was busy trying to be scary. Maybe even a Karen. The excitement all started when I got a message about the new frames for my glasses. My first pair broke, which hurt because they were the last you saw me in. Then I got the brown ones in memory of you… somewhat. Yesterday, MyEyeDr broke those. And so I was in their office, yelling about getting a complimentary frame. I don’t like being angry or an ass. But they pushed me B.

Only everything was not awesome yesterday, and I was excited when it was all over.

Speaking of all over, I’m glad I didn’t… all over my sheets. I know. Eww! But that was more of a financial decision than one of testicular fortitude. I’m all for God’s Favorite Princess @Luxlo, but she isn’t your stepmom. M Anime? I haven’t heard from her in a bit.

And again, if it were Cherry… But I’m not thinking of her. More like I can’t get excited over her as Virgil is now lying at the foot of the bed. Excited, expecting, entertained, ha! All Virgil knows is when I return, or he steps into the room, life is… something. You were excited because your life is/was good with me in it. Maybe V or someone will feel that.

Me? B Excited Someday Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 241 ~Virgil’s Scared To B…~

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Last week, I told my son about being Safe and Sound. This week, I’m scared more now than ever. What about his little brother? He’s scared of his shadow… And of me… What have I done? Nothing. When there’s so much that scares you. Virgil’s Scared To B.

Thursday, February 27, 2025

Meditation 241 ~Virgil’s Scared To B…~

1488 Days Without B III, Day 929 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I didn’t get paid today, so I’m scared. But I’m alive, mathematically inclined, and more.

I am and will always be your father. But if I can only remember how, as I was telling the Man In The Mirror today, Sunday, February 23, 2025, after the 15th, things were meant to be getting better. For who, me? To think I was so scared for myself like I knew terror B.

I didn’t know FEAR until the veterinarian told me you were dying and there was nothing that could be done. And for two days… maybe… Friday afternoon, Saturday to Sunday.

“Stuff is getting better; stuff is getting better every day.”

That’s right out of the 1997 film The Postman. There was so much to be afraid of. I was scared of losing you. That God wasn’t listening. There could be a miracle I couldn’t afford.

And now I’m crying again…

It beats hiding in the bathroom or beating… something… Eww! Braxton, I watched you play with your toys all the time. And I asked you not to do that in front of your Aunt. Ha!

Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll lose the good memories of you. Or only the darkest echo.

B III, I need those memories more than ever. Anticipatory Grief, they call it. Right?

More like Anticipatory Screams waiting for the next horrible thing to happen to me, B.

Today, who knows? Sitting here at the Dining Room table, a part of the fence outside could fall. I read about Joy Reid getting effed by MSNBC. I’m contemplating something that happened in October 2024. Thanks, Norton, for making me remember what FEAR tastes like!

And what about Virgil? If B is for bravery, then V is for very scared. I swear I’ve never seen such a scared fur buddy. When you looked at me, I was the hero of the horror movie, and you trusted me to save you. I’m crying a lot today, Braxton. Seriously, I’ll quit it.

But with Virgil, at best, I’m a corpse, the walking dead, a ghost. Depression is a sickness, Braxton. But FEAR is worse. And in saying that, Virgil could see me as a villain. Why not?

What do I fear the most? There was losing you? Everyone, seeing the monster I am. And then there’s ignorance. To know I should be afraid, but what? Living, dying? Myself? Virgil’s Scared To B…

“I’d rather be afraid!” ― Casey from The Faculty (1998)

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 234 ~We’ll B Safe, Virgil~

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Braxton left me Safe and Sound… somewhat. My son saw me through the first Trump Presidency. And by the looks of things Virgil may become my “Dogmeat” leading me through the wasteland/commonwealth. But first, today. We’ll B Safe, Virgil

Thursday, February 20, 2025

Meditation 234 ~We’ll B Safe, Virgil~

1481 Days Without B III, Day 922 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? What about a Lovely Day where Everything Is Awesome, without any Dumb Ways to Die?

Old age… Getting older wasn’t SAFE, Braxton. I wish I had told you that before.

“Immortality, take it, it’s yours!”

Immortal, that’s what you are. Well, according to me. It’s what you were supposed to be, Baby B. Did you even understand what was happening when your time came, Braxton?

All you wanted me to do was stop crying, which I am now. Because of you and what today’s about. What, am I giving life lessons now? Don’t people have visions and dreams? Dreams… When they’re hungry? I’m fasting, but not on purpose, so I must go out today. Sigh.

Before it’s not SAFE… There it is, Braxton. I don’t feel SAFE. I haven’t felt SAFE for the longest time, but yesterday pointed it out to me. The effing Wi-Fi!

What about the effing floor, sink, back porch, phone, bank account… Don’t Stop Me Now. Maybe if I go crazy, I’ll gain the courage to do something about it; that ain’t safe. I wouldn’t be joining you then if I went to Hell. For all I know, you’ve usurped Cerberus.

You protected me, Braxton. You kept me safe. And what about your little brother Virgil?

Again, the fact that he’s here means I’m still breathing; I’m Alive. Virgil is a miracle, I know, Braxton. Didn’t you ask me to acknowledge him? And yet, that’s one more reason I’m losing myself to the music today. Your music. Braxton’s Infinite Playlist. Awesome!

Because the world isn’t awesome, I don’t feel safe anymore. Rockwell said Somebody’s Watching Me. It’s like you’re still here, Braxton, watching over me. Right?

How many musical references is that? Eight? It’s confusing, Braxton. I don’t want to hear the phone alerting me to losing more money. Or that the battery’s dying. Wi-Fi… I don’t want to listen to the house crumbling all around me. Your home… Virgil’s running.

At the same time, I want the silence of sleep. The way my breath catches when I’m doing things, I hope you’re not watching from… Wherever you are. If I have food and water, I’m not talking to myself. But the truth is B, I don’t feel in charge. And V doesn’t feel SAFE. And he’s a reflection of me. If only I had a SAFE filled with cash… If only I wrote a book.
Finished? We’ll B Safe, Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad