Tag: Heart

Tale 143 ~Virgil, B’s In Love~

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My grade in bed these days… No, I’m not taking a college class, heh. When Braxton was here, I was only ever sleeping, sick, or coming down with “Solanum,” as in dead. D for dad, F for father? I’m anything but A-OK. But see “Virgil, B’s In Love.”

Tuesday, November 21, 2023

Tale 143 ~Virgil, B’s In Love~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… And THEY say it takes six likes to get to love. Or was that reallys.

And did I hear that on Finding Carter or in a Carly Rae Jepsen song? With Thanksgiving coming up… Hell! I should be thankful that we have billions. How about the fact you don’t have to spend all day in the kitchen? Unless you want to cook. I’m a bit Christian Grey that way. The women I’ve known, the woman I chose, know their way around a stove. I’ll thank B III for that. He wouldn’t have it any other way. His Daddy shares food. I would tell him all the time that the first girl he ended up liking I would have to marry. That’s one more promise I broke. But love means never having to say you’re sorry. Seriously, I’m quoting Love Story?

Braxton sends me the weirdest stuff. You’ve heard me say, “I’m a man of god, but I don’t need a savior.” Yes, that’s also from a song, “Behead The Kings.” And when I say that. I mean, I believe my boy is out there somewhere. I believe in Heaven, Hell, and sometimes the Rainbow Bridge. There are zombie viruses, “Solanum,” and dead magic, “Necromancy.” And should we even get into those two zombie toys that I got? What am I doing? Hmm? Do I want to claim insanity, have a stomach ache, or even start a new book? My love, I’m just missing… well, my first love. Thanksgiving was Braxton’s favorite. Hell! Anytime there was food involved. And while I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad…

With Braxton, I was A-OK. And everything else, especially when it’s a time for family. Love, “Sweet Love,” I swear I’m going to cut the music off at some point, but it brings back memories, even if I don’t care to remember them well. But then there’s my boy, B. And if he were here, what would he think of my love now? It was enough for him to lay dying and look at me like he was saying, “I only want to be with you.” That was B III. Now, how would you say I love you, my love? Something every guy asks someday. Inevitable, but I don’t mean that Ha-Ha. But you, our family. “A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H, I love you still.” Virgil, B’s In Love

1024 Days Without B III, Day 465 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 142 ~Laughter Isn’t The ONLY Medicine~

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“If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything,” that’s my only interest in Laughter. B made everyone laugh, including me. And I looked after him for fifteen years. What’s Laughter done for me lately? “Laughter Isn’t The ONLY Medicine.”

Monday, November 20, 2023

Tale 142 ~Laughter Isn’t The ONLY Medicine~

Three-Hundredth And Eighteenth Rule

Madam Justice

Rules Are Made To Be Broken… Hell! Plain ole words, too. The comedian is dead. My son. And FTWD. We are the dead.

I’m not trying to be comedic, clever, or cool. That’s for damn sure. And you know what I’m not cool with? Laughter. “I smile… I laugh… I rejoice this day.” A lot of days, Madam. Back in the day, I wanted to be a comic. I wrote comics for… let’s say a few weeks, Madam. Not the funny kind. But I didn’t start hating Laughter until E-Day number seven. Hmm? I don’t remember, and I don’t want to. Every day we move past E-Day thirty-nine, I come to another truth. I wasted “my” life. Um, existence. And the comedian is still alive and well. Nothing will be bringing Braxton back. And “Fear The Walking Dead” isn’t officially dead and buried, as I missed one episode.

How embarrassing. Braxton would give me one of his patented looks. Every Sunday, I chose my love of the dead over him. And yet I decided to kill him on a Sunday. What! The Walking Dead was on hiatus. Oh! You mean the whole “I killed my best friend” thing. Braxton had a dark sense of humor like his Dad. Again, I remember him giving me those… AHEM “blah, is you crazy?” But he never laughed. He would smile, remain silent, and then sleep. And that was my solace. My cure to every day. Let the people laugh at me. Madam, what else is there for me if it isn’t my son sleeping or guarding me while I sleep? I really want to know. You?

While I’m busy singing one of Jodeci’s hits. “Come And Talk To Me,” for those unaware of the classics. How about “Let’s Talk About Sex?” If you’re wondering why I’m late talking to you, Madam. If it weren’t for the humiliations galore at the Day Job, I would say I hate the implication of “We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off” right now. So, without my Braxton, I’m left with sex and music. And both can be funny in their way, too. As a thirty-nine-year-old man, it’s hilarious that I have to tell succubus stories to sleep. Laughter is one of those medications where the side effects are worse than the disease. Won’t laugh, smile, make a funny face… Laughter Isn’t The ONLY Medicine

1023 Days Without B III, Day 464 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 136 ~Virgil, The B Keeper~

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To be a Bee Keeper. For real? It came up when I saw a question the other day. Something about it: You can only buy things that begin with the first letter of your name. I’d always have women… Phrasing bro. But B? “Virgil, The B Keeper”

Tuesday, November 14, 2023

Tale 136 ~Virgil, The B Keeper~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… Like pancakes? Are we talking about the food or my son? It’s always about Braxton.

It’s still NaNoWriMo season. And was it in 2022? I wrote two novels about Braxton. Monday, as I was reading Matt Shaw’s book. I swear! It says in caps and everything on the cover. Ahem! “There Are No Happy Endings.” Anyway, last night I’ve been trying to… what, forget the ending? So sad? I have a few more books like that. Damn me for my Study. Man Cave? Somehow, even with my love of pop culture. I doubt games, girls (gasps), or even going out to see The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes will help me. But again, while finishing the story, I thought, “This is why I wrote my Braxton’s book,” hmm. What, do I want to forget him? Never, “my love!”

Books, what can I say? I don’t bash, ban, or burn them like some. At least the first part of that is a lie. There was a time… in this existence when I considered myself a critic. But there was also a time when I was Braxton’s Daddy. Which one was easier to give up, Honey? I’ll always be B’s Dad. But books? “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.” Perhaps the better line would be, “I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser,” ha-ha. Leave it to Taylor Swift. Sorry, Beyoncé, but my son B has claimed King B. Somehow, my love, you’re still here, and I’m forever grateful. You love me. Yet I cry! One more morning, love.

I wish I could be all King Ezekiel. “And yet, I smile.” Hell! Don’t I? Even with all the BS? Again, my son is dead. We have our children who we love, but Braxton was my very own, my love. I didn’t give birth to him, but he was mine. People and their beliefs. Ridiculous? Like my business these days. I don’t make it a habit to call women, uh… something that starts with a B. I’m sort of like Robin Gardener that way. You know, out of another book, Satan’s Sorority Girls. For the record, I hope the next one’s out before December. Sigh. I keep books, Braxton’s things, and belief in Virgil. And I got you, babe. So yes, Virgil, The B Keeper.

1017 Days Without B III, Day 458 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 135 ~Knowledge Of Destruction Breeds Creation~

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The opposite of war isn’t peace. It’s creation. How many tales did I write with B here? I ain’t much, but the two of us were a family. I am his Dad. And when he lay dying, I created beliefs, birthdays, and BS. Knowledge Of Destruction Breeds Creation

Monday, November 13, 2023

Tale 135 ~Knowledge Of Destruction Breeds Creation~

Three-Hundredth And Seventeenth Rule

Madam Justice
Rules Are Made To Be Broken… So, I bought a gun in 2020. It’s the End of the World As We Know It…

Or so THEY thought… And that was over STUPID things… I can’t get a haircut. Starbucks may have a bad year. Trump doesn’t get to brag about a booming economy. Hell! 2020 should have been our year, Braxton and me. Only, no wasteland or zombies. And if I couldn’t live it out, I should have been writing about it while I had the time. Hmm. The end was extremely effing nigh! What was I doing when “The Man Comes Around? That he did in 2021 for my son. Where were my big plans then? My promises. The graffiti with punctuation, which is us talking right now. What’s that? Destruction, Creation? Madam, in the end, I breed a million excuses because I’m not breeding anything else.

Gross! I know, Madam, sorry. But the truth is that everybody dies. “Daddy… everyone dies.” I can imagine Braxton telling me that. Or was it Katie in the movie “1408?” Sometime last night, Braxton sent me a song from the Foo Fighters, “DOA.” I’m crazy. That’s true enough. But the things that come up when I can’t listen to audiobooks or music at the Day Job. It was pain. The idea is that every hurt and pain is a step closer. Because what can I do as a person? Someone asked me at the Day Job how old I was. Ha! I’m ashamed to be thirty-nine. And over the past few days, I’ve been saying I must do better. I’m at the dining room table.

But the fact is that every day, I’m devolving, being destroyed, dying, my dear Madam. And with full knowledge of what’s happening, what am I doing? Can anything be done? That’s what this rule is all about. When Braxton was here… for his life… I would have found a way. Only that’s a lie, Madam. Because in fifteen years, I could have been doing something to save him. Let’s not count the first twenty years of existence. I would have never met him if I had been “Successful.” I had to be so wrecked for the Heavens to create a life like him. B waited as long as he could for me to bring new life for us, for me. Knowledge Of Destruction Breeds Creation

1016 Days Without B III, Day 457 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 129 ~Virgil Will B Watching~

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I want to show I can be a GOOD person, well BETTER than I am. Wouldn’t I be lying with everything I do daily. But to the right person I can reveal all that I am. Am I’m glad “All Dogs Go to Heaven.” But there’s others books… Virgil Will B Watching

Tuesday, November 7, 2023

Tale 129 ~Virgil Will B Watching~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you. And I’m always trying to find ways to show you. That’s the keyword today, love. SHOW.

Like how B almost didn’t show up when I talked to Madam Justice yesterday, today, time travel can be complicated. Seeing as how today is Saturday, November 4, 2023, sigh. If only I could show you how bad things used to be. Hell! I can and will whenever you want. And that’s something you’ll always have over my firstborn… The Sharing. Yes, my love, that’s an Animorphs reference and something I never need to hide from you. I love you, our children, my boy, pop culture… Virgil? He’s watching and waiting, but we’ll get there. My point is that while I nearly forgot Braxton for a day. Sharing everything love… No! He was/is my kid. It’s wrong to you both to share nothing but grief.

The grief I have over losing him ain’t going away anytime soon. It’s been 1,010 days, my love. But whether it be me looking at pillows for Virgil, all these emails, or I don’t know. I only wanted to look at something other than another book, game, or MODEL employee. I love looking at you, but business is business. But with the two of us, “Haven’t you people ever heard of closing a goddam door?” No need to show the kids how they got here. There’s also what my big sister told me once… You don’t build a strip club next to a school. I wish I could see her and Braxton’s aunt again. What about M Anime? Do I really want to see… people?

Certain ones… yes. And you know what I said about books? How about I want to see a book I wrote on the shelves one day? I haven’t forgotten that it’s NaNoWriMo now. So my love… “Goodbye Love,” or rather, “Goodbye my love.” Rent and 300. I swear I’ve seen a bit of everything. And now I need to be seeing words. How about my wife happy? Our children, seeing a man they can look up to. And again, Virgil is looking for me to care. Frightened and terrified doesn’t count like with that cat or possum on the fence waiting. Still, I look to the stairs, thinking Braxton will come running down some way, somehow. Someday. I want to show him and you I’m okay. Virgil Will B Watching

1010 Days Without B III, Day 451 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 128 ~Harder To Breathe On Top~

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When I think of being on top, it’s having the women, the clothes, the rides. What about my son? I nearly forgot I sent him to Heaven. But now I can barely climb out of the covers, step forward, or hold my head high. Harder To Breathe On Top

Monday, November 6, 2023

Tale 128 ~Harder To Breathe On Top~

Three-Hundredth And Sixteenth Rule

Madam Justice
Rules Are Made To Be Broken… And if I could make another one, it would be this. Never Get Up Unless Wanted, by…

Me, Myself, And I? As we move further away from E-Day. Thirty-Nine still sucks, okay. Hell! It’s even more than that. It frightens me. And yes, Halloween is over. Because I’m talking to you on Wednesday, November 1, 2023. All Saints’ Day. And faith, Madam? What was it a few years back, November 5th? “Remember, remember! The fifth of November!” I’m no scholar on Guy Fawkes. Didn’t I tell Inspector Echo if I’d gotten A’s? Anyway, I almost got fired way back then because of… I don’t even remember her name or what I called her. But I felt like I was drowning and yet got to keep working, Madam. Only every morning when I wake up for the Day Job… I wish I hadn’t.

And it’s with… I was going to say nearly everything. But when was the last time I took a breath in the morning and I wanted to? All I want is one time. Just one! But every little breath I take, it’s like I’m fighting for it. And in the end, I hate this biological imperative. So, I wrote this rule. It was meant for me to be winning now. To be living “Life On Top.” Why yes, Madam. I just referenced a softcore “drama” that aired on Cinemax. Ha-Ha. But again, being on top is as simple as one foot in front of the other, not dragging. Well, any way existing. Just my opinion. I want to raise my head with confidence, not courage.

I’m not dismissing courage, Madam, but it’s the difference between life and existence. Do you know how those on top say entitlement when they mean earned? So they can take life from others. And I still want to be one of those people, a billionaire, big-shot, a boss, huh? Only it feels like while I’m earning my way… Sort of. I’m fighting that much harder to take a breath. “Running Up That Hill,” making “The Climb,” and even going down “The Road.” Am I making another playlist, Madam? Should I add Rakuen from Trigun? Keeping these eyes on the work is a challenge. Yeah, when I want to be on top of some angel who’s hot as Hell. Geez Madam! I nearly forgot Braxton is up there, somewhere. Without me… Harder To Breathe On Top

1009 Days Without B III, Day 450 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 122 ~A MASK B, V~

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Do you want to see a ghost? Been there, done that. Do I want to see a zombie? It’s more like I want to see a lot more. And there’s also Animatronics. But there’s no need for a mask tonight. I’ll be staying in alone. Well, V’s here too. “A MASK B, V.”

Tuesday, October 31, 2023

Tale 122 ~A MASK B, V~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you. It’s why I don’t hide anything from you. Why I hate myself. And I like Creed.

The movie? I’ve only seen the first. And parts of the second. But you know I’m talking about the band.

“If I had just one wish, only one demand

I hope he’s not like me, I hope he understands” ― With Arms Wide Open, Creed

I know it’s not a song having to do with Halloween. Happy Halloween! If I wasn’t in a messed up space right now. Hell! I should check where I was in 2021 and 2022, love. Messing around on Instagram and Facebook, I saw something about A Day of the Dead for fur babies on the 27th. Of course, I missed it. And now I’m reading up on the “official” Day of the Dead. But other than my firstborn son, who do I miss? I’m still cringing about how I stunk up my granddaddy’s funeral. Worse than his corpse? That’s not cool to say, I know.

Then again, I make you lie with a corpse every night. Two, if I’m being honest with Braxton’s remains on the nightstand. You’re the only one who loves the Dead as much as me. (Swoons). Maybe that should be your Halloween costume this year… Trinity. Because the man you love would be The One. Which means that I can’t be dead. But even now, sigh. I want to be with my boy. At least that’s what my face tells me every morning I wake up. But, like most days, I put on a mask and have to become someone else. And that’s the difference between my two boys. Braxton showed me who I could be. Virgil shows what I’ve become. Then you and our family…

Today should be… easier. I get to put on a mask, but even now. To be scary, not too scary. In a minute, I’ll burst out with Mulan’s “Reflection.” Mulan and Shang? That’s an idea. And after today? If there was one thing I liked about COVID, it was the mask. I didn’t have to hate myself for these fake smiles. Oh, I did mention I killed Braxton Barks, hmm. I’ll hide behind books so people can treat me like it’s school, always and forever. “Daddy’s tired.” How many times have I heard you say that as I lie, crying into a pillow? How many days has it been, 1,003? Did we buy candy? I’ve had a sugar crash for days. A MASK B, V

1003 Days Without B III, Day 444 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 121 ~Prisons Have Many Different Forms~

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I was arrested once when I was young and STUPID. I’m not young anymore, but STUPIDITY is a virus. I’m infected with it. There’s also Depravity, Fear, and Pain. And for today, at least, Sadness encompasses them all. “Prisons Have Many Different Forms”

Monday, October 30, 2023

Tale 121 ~Prisons Have Many Different Forms~

Three-Hundredth And Fifteenth Rule

Madam Justice
Rules Are Made To Be Broken… like anything dealing with Time Travel. A dangerous business this is. And what’s my punishment, Dear Madam?

Grounding me, “When We Were Young” was no TV, Internet, and the like —going nowhere? As I was telling Baby B this morning, Thursday, October 26, 2023. I’m not going to Heaven, the Rainbow Bridge, or Purgatory. With that knowledge, I long to die. Why?

Sleeplessness? Now, that would be a punishment. I haven’t taken a nap today. But Hell, Braxton’s been gone 1,002 days. It’s like I’m doing life.

Sexlessness? I might as well be a damn eunuch. I’d say a priest. But only if Braxton were my religion. And there’s no women here.

Simoleons aren’t rolling in like they did the last few weeks, sigh. I barely made a hundred dollars. These are like confessions for Inspector Echo, Madam —my Dirty Little Secret.

Secrets, to be fair. And silence is one Hell of a prison. This is why I’ve been all about buying audiobooks. eBooks, and stealing “ideas” from X/Twitter. Things “Things That Make You Go, Hmm.” It’s more like things that make you moan and other noises…

Sadness though… That’s the one thing that has been loud and clear. If I hadn’t stopped crying at some point, I’m sure I would have drowned in my tears by now. Have I cried today? At the moment, I feel like crying. Only it’s not 100% Braxton. I mentioned I didn’t get a nap and was so frustrated this morning that I’m back to Day One-ish. Being a slave to certain addictions makes me sick and tired. It’s pretty sad.

It’s like when you hear an icon talking about a crime. And you know for a fact, yeah, I did that. Hell! I’ll do that tomorrow and the next day. It’s how certain people look at history, knowing they want to do such things and then trying to claim innocence.

Madam, why else do you think I read all those books on people who had to make “the decision” for their fur babies? You exist with that choice and then in the presence of their absence. It’s always and forever. And yet, you get to walk away from the crime. I remember my perp walk from Banfield and the aisle of PetSmart. I’ve never left.

What are my other crimes? Prisons Have Many Different Forms.

1002 Days Without B III, Day 443 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 115 ~To B Beloved Virgil~

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The look of love is in your eyes. A reason I don’t have a mirror over the bed. I’m not that freaky. I’d never see it unless I found B III… um, Virgil, a mom. It has never been a love for me; it’s love for someone else, B, V. To B Beloved Virgil.

Tuesday, October 24, 2023

Tale 115 ~To B Beloved Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you. I can confidently (ha-ha) say that I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. That’s scary, right…

Another reason I love money so much. Yes, I’m going to keep it ninety-two plus eight, babe. “My” Olds never taught me to love myself. But keeping me, myself, and I alive takes money. I’m thirty-nine and still thinking about “my” E-Day. One too many, sigh. Anyway, to love myself. And that’s in a keep-my-pants-on sort of way. I don’t think I ever will. Braxton, though, got the closest. I love him so much that I know my biological imperative. Love, you know I will indulge in my pop culture tendencies. Several, I’m afraid. As Haymitch Abernathy told Katniss… “Stay Alive.” That was my B III whenever I went out. Or, as Max said in Fury Road… “So I exist in this wasteland, reduced to one instinct: survive. I do

Two little words from the three I tell you all the time. I love you; I do. Just keep breathing. I did that for Braxton. And I do it for you every day. Take this morning for example. I saw this thing when They asked when do you feel the most STUPID. It’s opening my eyes. Hell! A “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” It’s STUPID, too. But you know why I feel that way. Because I hate myself and like most things, I do, if for everyone else. Love and Hate, which both require me to live. And as the song goes, “Why do the things I hate come so naturally?” I hate myself to love Braxton, you, our family.

Geez! I sound so much like, um… a specific political party. I don’t love my critic but care enough to censor myself. Now I’m sitting in bed, wanting to make the list. “Someone You Loved.” I’m still talking to myself because I know you love me, somehow. And Virgil does, too… Why don’t I ask you? How I could love myself, baby girl. Last night, I dreamt about the old Day Job and how I would have felt if I lost it. Hell! I watched my firstborn die, and in his eyes, was his Daddy. I couldn’t even close them. Punishment I needed to see. Beloved, how I long to see a better man in your eyes someday. But how, love? To B Beloved Virgil

996 Days Without B III, Day 437 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 114 ~Some Sirens Find You Regardless~

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Sometimes, when I reread “my” ramblings, I see I wasn’t meant to talk. Screaming, moaning? Hell! Be the strong, silent type. No. That was my son. But there’s only one of him to cry over. No tears for the ladies? Well? Some Sirens Find You Regardless.

Monday, October 23, 2023

Tale 114 ~Some Sirens Find You Regardless~

Three-Hundredth And Fourteenth Rule

Madam Justice
Rules Are Made To Be Broken… And how about websites? To think. Suppose I lost access to Twitter/X, Onlyfans, and The Pic Phenomenon.

Suppose I lost it all for a day, Madam—only one day. And I’m trying, Madam. Braxton knows I’m trying. When Braxton was here, as Michael Jackson sang it, “Keep it in the closet.” Ha-ha. And yet I had to give my son “The Talk.” Especially when it came to his Aunt Carolina; my Braxton was a man who recognized her “assets,” the same as me. Like father, like son. Regardless of such features, Virgil will not have such problems. No woman has been in this house since his arrival. As a matter of fact. No maids, best friends, or even women of… um, never mind. Not that I have ever paid for “it.” But there have been other things. And if not. There’s Whisper.

That’s where I met Braxton’s Aunt, and that “Must have been a miracle,” Madam Justice. A lack of bedsprings to sing must mean I find my musical taste elsewhere. Everywhere! But women. Now, I treat everyone as if they’re carriers of a zombie plague. Infected! I always say… ok think, “If you’re not my dog, my girl, or applying for the job, don’t touch me.” Only with women, it’s like something out of the Bible. “Fear not them that kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul; but rather fear (HER) that is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.” If I’m not studying or fawning over the dead, give me mermaids, succubi, Lilith, witches, maenads, scream queens, and sirens.

Who has more monsters, men or women? I wrote a book about it once. Monster Brothel? But that’s not the point. And what is, my critic will ask. I fall in love easily? Once upon a time. And quite horribly. Only that’s something I have to thank Braxton for. He showed me love, and then he broke my heart. Hell! Who needs women? My B was/is braver more beautiful. And yes, better than any woman. Yet I always promised I’d find him a mom. Yeah. Women are everywhere. I will burn or freeze in the Ninth Circle for betraying him. I either deserve to burn and yet be cold and sleepless. Or I’m not worthy of a girl on fire. Some Sirens Find You Regardless

995 Days Without B III, Day 436 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will