Tag: Lonely

Saga 195 ~B “Stairs” Down Virgil~

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Virgil successfully climbed up the stairs today. And what was my accomplishment? I stepped up my porn viewing. I climbed up the stairs at the Day Job to avoid people. What would B III be proud of? B “Stairs” Down Virgil.

Thursday, January 12, 2023

711 Days Without B III, Day 152 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I haven’t looked up in some time. Looked down? That our song Don’t Look Down?

I have yet to listen to one song on Spotify this year. I’m still trying to pick something to set the tone for the new year. Don’t Look Down, Just Look Up, and He Lives In You, to name a few. Staring down at the phone when we should be talking. You remember B III. Can’t say I have such memories with Virgil yet, but it’s been five months and some change, 152 days, to be precise. But you’ve seen everything. Kinda scares me when I’d go out of my way to keep something from you. What kind of Dad would I be, ha? I am trying with Virgil Vivi, honest. He could need you more than me right now, don’t you think, B III?

Yesterday was not one of my best days. And that was with getting off early. Yuck! Get your mind out of the gutter or wherever it was. The stuff that you would get into, Braxton. Yes, I’m reading yet another book about dead fur babies. “The Grief Recovery Handbook for Pet Loss.” Braxton Barks, you wish I’d keep my head out of such things. Memories. Like King Ezekiel would say, “and yet I smile.” It’s good to think about how you’d bury yourself in your aunt’s cleavage. Beats you being buried in another way. Fucking low. Speaking of which, yesterday. Remember I said I wished you didn’t see me like that… much too often. My Triple B seeing some Triple X exploits in Saimin Seishidou.

In this Mad Season…, yet another song for the playlist I’m building. Virgil needs you. Braxton, it’s not like I remember how you learned to navigate the stairs. One of the few things I can’t write about. But you learned, and that was a miracle. Your whole life was B. My little miracle, my son, my best friend. One of the few things I can claim in this world I continue to exist in. And I can only imagine you giving me one of your looks. You know, the ones that seemed to say. I hate this inflection, but “… is you crazy.” Yesterday yes. The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. More like The Reika and Reina Kurashiki occurrence. So let’s say B “Stairs” Down Virgil.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 193 ~Calendars B Tripping Virgil~

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Sometimes in January… this will be the second one. Not on the 10th, but on the 31st. There are so many dates I rather not remember. I can’t tell you when I found love but when I lost it. Yet the days keep falling off Calendars, B Tripping Virgil

Tuesday, January 10, 2023

Saga 193 ~Calendars B Tripping Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I won’t ever invest in Swanson; thanks, Tuckems. I’m more for Boston Market. Marie Callender’s?

My love, money didn’t change me. I mean, sure, as Forrest Gump said, “That’s good. One less thing.” I’ll be one for hoodies and jeans always and forever. Not that serious, but when I got new glasses, I wanted the same frame and, barring that, more Triple B’s color. When it comes to women, well, not to go all Alanis Morissette but AHEM “You, you, you oughta know. Hell! You know I love you, but when it comes to people, “I am an equal opportunity misanthropist,” as Andrew Davidson put it. Only with women, well… there was than Asian fetish I had. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, strawberry blondes, black hair. Look at the date; Wednesday is a year since The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. Um, feelings…

And speaking of fantasies, Victorian Maid Maria no Houshi. And Katainaka ni Totsui de Kita-Russia Musume to H Shimakuru Ohanashi. I wish I could remember when I got into Hentai and cosplay. One of many dates I can’t recall. But there are three events this month. I’ve told you about one which was a little fucked up. With you and a therapist. I can afford therapy now. Oh, I have no delusions of myself being mentally healthy. I’m sure you can agree. Anyway, the first, of course, was New Year’s Day. God help me; I’m trying to keep at least one resolution. How many have I made for you, our kids, and the businesses I run? I know; I made one; keep Virgil Vivi alive.

Only this morning, as with every day, my first thought was of Braxton Barks Bradford. Did I say that out loud? If I wanted to be in the dog house… Well, it’s January. Where else would I be than with my boy this second year? I didn’t even take a nap when I got back. Love, there is so much to do. I’m not holding out much hope. Because, again, you can see all the distractions. I don’t want to think about it. And yet buying books, bullion, and biscuits. Though I haven’t set another one in B III’s memory. And what about us, love? You’re not something only placed calendar-wise. But, as long as I’m breathin’, Braxton will be “31st.” Calendars B Tripping Virgil.

709 Days Without B III, Day 150 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 190 ~Virgil’s Fur, Braxton’s Mettle~

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I’m no knight in shining armor. My mettle hasn’t been tested in comparison to others. The house is covered in the fur of both the quick and the dead. Then there’s the hoody I wear every day. Because I always look chill… Virgin’s Fur, Braxton’s Mettle

Saturday, January 7, 2023

Saga 190 ~Virgil’s Fur, Braxton’s Mettle~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means Braxton’s still alive. Don’t I wish? More for him than the money Lady Lunalesca.

I swear I would have gone full Repo Men on his ass. A suit of armor, new organs, and a cache of weapons to protect him. If you’re asking what’s this about, I watched “M3GAN.” Is it just me, or have the last couple of movies I’ve seen brought me to tears at some point? “M3GAN,” “Avatar: The Way of Water,” “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever?” “The Menu” only made me hungry. This brings me to my point. How does one buy food? Um, money Lu. STUPID question, I know. But short of my son, as the song goes, “Dollar dollar bill, y’all” has been on my mind. And what about Virgil and me? It’s getting pretty cold out. And if I thought summer was Hell…

At least Virgil’s fur coat will serve him well. But a friend says he needs a coat too. What about his own bed, bowl, and biscuit treats? Oh, he’s not eating any from B’s memorial. But it didn’t stop me from buying the same type Triple B would snack on. And this month is supposed to be about B III, shouldn’t it? How to honor his second year Lu. My power, protector, and pain. Hell! I haven’t asked for any time off yet, Lady Lunalesca. I remember the year before. I had a will of steel and an iron will when honoring my Little B. Now the only heavy metal I’m carrying… Where do you think I’ve been all morning? Lady Lunalesca, beginning like this?

A brand new year. And all I want to do is be as warm as V. All cozy in bed, not doing jack shit. But, um, jacking. You know what I want to say, but that’s for Inspector Echo, okay? Again there’s the money problem. Besides everything to continue Virgil’s and I’s existence… Braxton deserves something set in stone. A statue, ink across my flesh. And there’s been those SILVERCUT necklaces I’ve been eyeing forever. Well, two years for B. And finally, there’s my courage. I’ve failed my son and New Year’s Resolutions, oh no. That’s my existence. One big, OH NO. And to drag another fur baby into this mess after what happened to the last one. My idiocy’s spreading. Virgil’s Fur, Braxton’s Mettle

706 Days Without B III, Day 147 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 189 ~Virgil Forgets To B…~

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I forget what it’s like to get a good night’s sleep. Or what it takes to be a good Dad. Can’t ever remember what it’s like not to have a Day Job I don’t hate. As far as being happy… I’d like to write about B being as such. “Virgil Forgets To B…”

Friday, January 6, 2023

Saga 189 ~Virgil Forgets To B…~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now. And I guess in such “happiness,” I forget how I made it… Writing, women’s bodies, wisdom…

First and foremost, Lady Sophia. AHEM! I’m never HAPPY. I believe Braxton is here. There are times I do believe in a higher power. As for conspiracies… I’m convinced the wealthy have some cabal and control the world. Hell! I suppose one can learn Necromancy. Can I possibly believe I can keep my dick in my pants for 161 days again? Uh, I am trying. But as for me being HAPPY? The song goes, “I believe in a thing called love.” Still, a thing such as happiness. Like the word, rehabilitated… a made-up word, a politician’s word. And on that note, January 6 Insurrection. Apocalypse Buddy Braxton lived. Impossible to forget my son Lady Sophia. Even he didn’t make me happy, though. Bad-Ass, Brave, Better…

That’s how I feel right now. Of course, “better” can mean a lot of things. Only what comes to mind right now is forgetfulness. When I’m better, I forget all the bad stuff and good… Well, not really. But the fact that I wanted to talk to you today. Yeah, first, the 3-hour Day Job. The feeling of leaving that shithole. See, Trump, that’s how you say it. Only then, there’s forgetting a bottle of water and the work shirt I carry. Not huge losses Sophia. Dammit to Hell, though; I hate being forgetful. Yet my Braxton always performed that… What? Miracle? He would make me forget what this world makes me. For him being… Daddy, that was all that is/was required of me, Sophia.

And I’m a bastard for saying this, but Virgil forgot to be… Braxton. Reincarnation failure. Aren’t I supposed to be feeling better today? As I said, I got away from the Day Job super early. I have most of the day to catch up with everything. Tuesday, January 3, 2023. Sophia, I checked my work schedule, and next week isn’t looking too good. No time to write at all. As if I were going to anyway. I’m like V, failing tasks I or others wrote down. I forgot to save my son. Yet feel some way about water and workwear. Sort of. But I’m better all warm in bed. While Virgil lies here cuddling/sleeping but it’s not the same as Braxton… Virgil Forgets To B…

705 Days Without B III, Day 146 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 188 ~To B New Virgil~

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The first thing, the first someone that made me want to be a better man, ha, wasn’t some parent or teacher. A lovely girl with decent Yabbos made me clean the house. Or flash some cash. But a four-legged kid… I Tried, I try? To B New Virgil

Thursday, January 5, 2023

Saga 188 ~To B New Virgil~

704 Days Without B III, Day 145 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Are you having a good year, seeing as I’m from the past, the future… whatever

Time-Travel is way past my pay grade Braxton. And speaking of time, you know why I’m talking to you on Saturday, December 31, 2022. Today, this year, already fucking hell! There are better ways to start the year. Am I right? It’s my third cry of the day this morning. Braxton, by the time you read this, how many times will I have cried? And more tears are coming. Remind me that I need to see to it getting time off for Tuesday, January 31, 2023, and Feb 1. Ok, Triple B, I’m going to stop crying now. Then again, Virgil might be awfully confused by the change. “You’ll be like lil’ John Q and get a change of heart.” Do you think so, Braxton? Yep, still looking up music.

Ludacris? Both the man and ludicrous my existence. Both cruel and, as for now, necessary. Though I want to say, highly unnecessary. But again, Virgil is here. And how does he know me? Indeed do you know me at all? The day you went away… I wish I had too. The fact that I’m writing this at all (sigh). Unless, by some miracle, I’m not going to do something STUPID today. But again, Little B, I have thought about it. Anytime I open my eyes. Indeed the moment you took your last breath, I closed my eyes. Brand new me. Unfortunately for me. Anyway, this is a brand new year. “It’s a new world, it’s a new start.” Again with the music. Nothing new, B.

I can’t even guess what might be new because of how far I’m jumping. No, not like that, Triple B. If I am keeping my promise… that’s one of many reasons B III. You know, going crazy over Triple X or something like that. Once again, RAGE driving me bonkers. How about thinking that Virgil Vivi could be you somehow? I don’t even remember “Me Before You.” Or I just don’t want to. Hell! I’d give anything to be who I was… perhaps two weeks before you died. And every week I write, I’ll be the person you think, Braxton. Virgil would be better off. But then again, you might have lived. Yet how to see the man in the mirror? To B New Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 186 ~Love To B Virgil~

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I heard in a movie that love can’t tell time. Yes and no. I can’t remember when B III jumped in the car… and he hates car rides. The moment he left… Jan 31, 2021, at about 3:45 PM. When I told the right girl, I love her? Beats me. “Love To B Virgil.”

Tuesday, January 3, 2023

Saga 186 ~Love To B Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. And have a much more interesting story than I inherited my wealth. I Work Hard 120!

As seems to be the theme of this year… well, the first week of January, like everyone else, my love. I’m trying to get motivated. I didn’t say positive, I’m afraid, but to get going. Only I know you still need me to be here. Does it help that I’m buying more stuff for us? As the song goes, “money can’t buy me love.” No amount to save Braxton. And then there’s Virgil. I know my story. I know how I feel. Yeah, I mentioned I’m buying more books and TV. Hell! Today, I bought another book about mourning fur babies. And now I want to watch a show about a man who pretty much adopts a daughter after losing one. The Last of Us

Braxton was/is a gift to me. And I take the fact that his story was seen all over the world… Well, I’ve always said he’s the one that made me the man I am today. The good and the bad, but you love me, so who am I to complain? No. For 702 Days, I have been one to mourn. And like with all of the books I’ve been reading, well, minus all those in December. I don’t want to know anything else. I’m too focused on B III’s death to worry about 2V’s life. Incredible life story before I met him, I’m sure. Did he love someone? Lose someone. How about letting it go? As I said, 702 days without B. Virgil’s had 143.

To make you feel my love. What about our children? What about Virgil? Even now, I’m not sure about him. But for you and ours… I’d do everything Bob Dylan wrote about and Adele sang about. I like the cover version, but that’s not the point. Looking at Virgil now… A whole new year and the same ole song and dance. Virgil’s not Braxton’s reincarnation. If anything, he’s more like me. Virgil’s so confused, quiet, and figuring out his universe. But that doesn’t mean he can’t find his way to bed at night. We’re all around him, but what does that mean? I’d ask how long will it take him to accept love. What do I have to give? More time? Love To B Virgil

702 Days Without B III, Day 143 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 183 ~A Busy B Virgil…~

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Last day of the year, and I am six inches more or less (snickers) from falling back asleep. And there is so much to do today. 1st of Tha Month and year tomorrow. Get busy living or dying… Hell! I merely exist, and what about 2V? A Busy B Virgil.

Saturday, December 31, 2022

Saga 183 ~A Busy B Virgil…~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I should be sitting on my ass exploiting somebody, Lunalesca. Well, on my ass…

But I am far from taking advantage of anyone. I’m too busy for even that today. Well, that would be a first. And that’s what’s keeping me busy. Preparing for the “1st of The Month.” Well, the first of the year. Besides bursting into tears, Lunalesca, what am I thinking? Today it’s more like what I’m trying not to imagine, and no, not “pornographic passions.” Hell! I had to put the phone down because if I saw one more person who had a great year. If anything, I wasted another year of existence. And I never asked for this Lunalesca. Today though, there are decisions to make, like what will be the first book, the first bop, and the first bill of a new year.

This will be the second year without B III. And bring on the waterworks Lunalesca. Existing in this place; existing in his place. And speaking of which, where’s Virgil now? Back on his pillow. And I wonder how he will do with all the noise that they’ll be tonight. That’s another thing. While Braxton was/is my best friend, and Virgil Vivi… well, as I say at the Day Job, usually, “I’m Here.” Like the song plays, “Oh God, I’m gonna die alone!” Virgil, like B, has no stepmom. Did I mention no porno, though there is a dryer here? Ha-ha! And for Virgil to protect his siblings. Well, I’d have to acknowledge him first, Lu. A mistake to give a heart to anyone or anything.

But do I regret doing that for B? I regretted everything in 2021, for sure. And what about this year, 2022? Fuck! On Friday, I bought a pack of all-lime Skittles. New glasses, hmm. Well, the business of a new year because I may have resolutions Sunday. No promises. Now I can’t tell you what the first book will be, though I’m leaning toward more novels on mourning fur babies. At least for the first one, Lady Lunalesca. Remembering Braxton? What will be the first song? I need to think long and hard about that one. To be sure. The first porn? When I wasn’t talking to you, it was all “Street Blowjobs.” Last day of this year. I’m not happy. A Busy B Virgil

699 Days Without B III, Day 140 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 182 ~Virgil’s Reading Away B~

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The worst thing I’ve ever read? Braxton’s Final Vet Bill? The Certificate of his Cremation? Any paycheck from the Day Job? The alarm clock? I wish I could say I’ve been reading something good. But no fairytales, only sleeping. Virgil’s Reading Away B

Friday, December 30, 2022

Saga 182 ~Virgil’s Reading Away B~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can afford all these places for Chinese food, hot dogs, and ice cream.

But what about books? If anything, I hope to get through “Christmas Grump” before the first. It feels wrong to read holiday books after the first. It’s like eating breakfast for dinner. It’s something I don’t do. But if I hadn’t got all those shrimp Thursday, Sophia? For a moment, I was about to say there was never a time I didn’t bring food back for B. His Aunt, of course, could call me on my bullshit. That time we went out one weekend, and I ordered onion rings… Didn’t I also say something about that the other day with Virgil? It seems he can no longer stand for it. At least, I hope so, as he walked in here. Am I not sharing food?

If only he could read receipts and understand peppers and onions aren’t good for him. Hell! I’m not good for him, considering I’m not reading anything appropriate now. I think of Braxton as my son but Virgil. Well, I thought of him as Braxton for a bit, and since he’s not, hmm… Lady Sophia, I should start reading books on disappointment. Besides not yet finding the clip of when I stopped jerking off when B died. That’s what I was trying to read on top of all the porn. I was up at 4:00 AM, right? It’s 6:30 AM, and now we’re talking? Four hrs later, at 10:00. I should read the bills for V. I instead read while he pees “off” his bathroom pad.

Should I read things on dog behavior at the start of the new year? I know what I want. I want more books on dead/dying fur babies. And to have a good cry at them like this year, okay? Is there anything on how to stay awake? Because I’m sure, I’ll fall asleep at the end of this chat. I went through a self-help chapter once upon a time, and there’s Dale Carnegie. I need to be reading that bill for the fire department and sending it off before I get in trouble. The tab for the car shows it’s a little late for that. Virgil understanding Day Jobs? Lady Sophia, if I did, I’d try making more money… Writing ha-ha. Virgil’s Reading Away B

698 Days Without B III, Day 139 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 181 ~The Stranger’s Virgil, B~

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Being a billionaire, as I claim most days, I’d build my own world in the house. Going to space involves too many people to deal with. But now I still have a stranger/fur baby in this house. So many strangers this week. “The Stranger’s Virgil, B”

Thursday, December 29, 2022

Saga 181 ~The Stranger’s Virgil, B~

697 Days Without B III, Day 138 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Are you still here? I only ever asked that once. The Saturday before you left.

I haven’t cried for you yet today. It’s still a little early. Though I did cry when the alarm went off. And currently, I’m watching “Waking Up at 4:00 AM Every Day Will Change Your Life…” You know me, B. That’s After watching some porn in the bathroom. V is sleeping now. The thing is, I would have no problem sending him back… to your room, B. There are plenty of days that I want to go all Whisperer and say, “You are where you don’t belong.” How many times have I said it, Braxton? It’s been 138 days, Braxton. Don’t they say it takes 90 for a fur baby to acclimate? With you, I’m not sure, but you were a puppy. A Jedi. Fearless

But that hasn’t been me these past few days. If Virgil ain’t you, then is he me? Sometime this week, I said I was Virgil. Hell! I’m scared to death of everything and everyone, B III. One more reason to cry. Between three different humiliations at the auto shop. Day Job. Oh yeah, Triple B, the Humiliations Galore continue there. And those are nonstop B III. There was my first UBER ride, which was a new experience. Excuse me, four humiliations. The ride back to the house. Although you were never one for driving around town. Inevitable the shame that will be coming to me soon. I have to go to the post office. And should I get the car rechecked? More like my brain

Then again, I had you for that. Only now, B, I can talk to you “Anytime.” You’re everywhere, yet I want you right back here next to me. I don’t mean to be a dick, but I don’t want this usurper lying here. I should have thought of that Saturday, August 13, 2022, right B? Only I thought I saw you. Somehow, someway, I was listening to you. Promise Braxton. He remains a stranger to me, even after all this time. And I’m still being a meanie. Do you think? For example, yesterday I went to that hot dog shop. A pepper dog, onion rings. I didn’t feel like sharing with Virgil. After a late lunch, Virgil and I didn’t speak. The Stranger’s Virgil, B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 179 ~ Virgil’s Holidays To B~

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You wake up, and your cat… dog in my case. Your son, a future, isn’t there anymore. I tell myself that tomorrow will be “better.” People look forward to this time of year. For me, Jan 31, Feb 13, Aug 13, Sept 7, Oct 20, etc. “Virgil’s Holidays To B.”

Tuesday, December 27, 2022

Saga 179 ~Virgil’s Holidays To B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means there’s always tomorrow. Yeah, I can take off in my rocket ship. Get perspective…

I’ve been thinking a lot about “The Great De-evolution” series. In particular, “The Last Astronaut” and “A Different Alchemy.” One man running away from the death of his fur-baby. And the other, from the death of his child. Pray tell, how do I relate, (snickers). Besides this one fact. Writing my own books kept me away from Braxton Barks Bradford. Because there was always tomorrow. Sacrifice today for tomorrow’s benefit. But as the song goes, “You wake up one morning, and half your life is gone.” Or fifteen years, love. I thought Braxton would give me twenty. But that’s thinking too small. Here’s forever. Isn’t that what we are, my love? We got our kids though I still need to figure out Virgil. Being mean?

What! I bought him a gift, and honest to “God” I’ve been trying. But there is always tomorrow. For now, I need some sleep. I know it’s getting worse. One man went to space while the other headed north. And another thing about those men. They left their families. They didn’t see a future in the world. Is that what I’m saying? Why bother trying? That one day, B III will be gone for good. Hell! If I could be so lucky as to drop dead, then. I’m sure our children will think that of me in their teenage years. I want to be here for that. So am I seeing more time with them, with you? Memories with Braxton. Oh, and Virgil Vivi too.

Again yesterday, I was looking at books for “The Closing of the Year.” Not as many as last year, but there is always tomorrow. But what if there’s not? How long do I expect you, my Mrs. Claus, to keep waiting? Santa spends his whole year preparing. One big day. What about ours, my love? They have been different since Braxton, I know. Forgetful? Now you know that ain’t true. Part of me stays glued to that spot on Sunday, January 31, 2021. And then a part of me wants to be like those other fathers running away, love. Billionaires can buy rocket ships and tanks, so why not go all “The Tomorrow War?” Buy us a time machine? Yours and Virgil’s holidays… I’m so sorry. Virgil’s Holidays To B

695 Days Without B III, Day 136 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will