Tag: Exist

Tale 106 ~Virgil Needn’t B Obsessed~

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I have a habit of being obsessed with things. Torture, failure, death. Enough about me and B III. What about the other one? V knows he can leave the room anytime but cries until I come to get him. I’m not that great. “Virgil Needn’t B Obsessed.”

Sunday, October 15, 2023

Tale 106 ~Virgil Needn’t B Obsessed~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And can I say you look like absolute… I know, think positive, think big. Think at all.

But you know how that goes on a Sunday, around four in the afternoon. Say his name… Braxton. And what about Virgil? Last week, Virgil was getting all “Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah! Get up, come on, get down with the sickness.” Institutionalized? Stockholm Syndrome? Honestly, the things you begin to remember, read up on and relish in uncertain times. Or should I say “Times Like These.” Can you cut the music off for a second? You’re not a DJ or doctor, nor have you worked a day in construction. Hell! It’s only 6 AM. You’re getting ready to start another week. And as I said, it will be all about your son this afternoon. Tonight, there’s… the dead. Obsessed? Not with Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Backyard Dungeon 2, Backyard Dungeon 3
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 014 No Fap)*
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Or maybe you are as I was. I mean, when was the last time any of them switched at all? I knew I had bad vibes about last Sunday. Once again, your son is dead. What can be worse than that? Obsessing over a fur baby, THEY would say is… Whatever, he is/was your son. And I doubt you’ll be reading about him or others. And I didn’t cry yesterday… for him. It was, moreover, a plate of buffalo wings. But I wouldn’t call spicy an obsession; it’s just good. Oh, you know you’re not one for alcohol, “actual” drugs, and not for ammo, ha. No, you want to talk about your obsessions this morning. Failure, fallen places “Hell.” Another F. And Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Heather by G.C. McKay (Or something)
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 014 No Fap)* Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

And why do you love these things so much? Better question. Why does Virgil obsess? I’m not ready to say love. It’s always, “Later V, later Virgil.” Does he even know his name yet? Maybe he’s trying to learn it, and you need to say it. But obsessing over Braxton? That should be the only thing that matters. And if that were true, Braxton would be alive today. But there was always something else. The Day Job, destruction, and depravity. Because where do you go during your Pomodoro rest periods? You clicked off the meditational guidance in exchange for what? Interests you have to translate. You’re not a good person, and the world’s not lovely. Yet you and Virgil stick around. Virgil Needn’t B Obsessed

987 Days Without B III, Day 428 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 100 ~Motivation Is Merely The Invitation~

WillLeave a comment

What motivates and inspires me? Virgil needs to eat. So did Braxton? In the places I go, I don’t need invitations. But I’m not motivated to be there. It’s The Bare Necessities. So they say. But to have all I want… Motivation Is Merely The Invitation.

Monday, October 9, 2023

Tale 100 ~Motivation Is Merely The Invitation~

Three-Hundredth And Twelfth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… So, of course, my primary motivation is more money and cruelty against my fellow man. That so?

Is that a threat? Consider it an invitation… If I could remember where I first heard this, Madam. But isn’t that why we’re here today? Well, Saturday, October 7, 2023. Because, much like last week, this one is going to suck. So why show up if I’m this unhappy, hmm? Braxton needs to eat. Well, not anymore since I failed him. What I meant to say is Virgil needs food. How’s that for motivation? As I was telling Lady Lu this morning, keeping 2V safe. First, there was a possum. And this morning, a black cat was staring. GULP! I needed to get up and go. The story of my existence, “Run Boy Run.” And am I running from or towards? Regardless, there’s always FEAR…

And that shouldn’t serve as motivation. An invitation to be courageous? Thou art courageous. If anything. After last week, I’d settle on this. Don’t be dumb. I am trying, ha. Ignorance kills! And if I don’t have a heart attack. Or crumble with my FEAR. Ignorance will be the culprit. And every day… I swear! Even now, I’m mad about my shattered reading record with Braxton. A memory is gone. But I read, always and forever. Whatever! Five Hundred and Forty-Two days, I see. It’s not like I’m getting less ignorant. Everything I read is punishing myself over Braxton or something to do with Boo… No! I’m not talking about Halloween. And then there are Kindle Challenges and other books. An invitation to avoid Ignorance…

Well, I could stop looking up… “other” forms of entertainment. That is if you’re wondering why this conversation is taking so long. I want to get more sleep this week. But more to the point, I can’t help what I want. My greatest sin… Well, the second. My first is Treachery. I wasn’t motivated to do much of nothing with B’s death. It’s all my fault. Afterwards though? I can find anything when it comes to some girl. Japanese, Chinese, Russian… I would have done much better in some language classes. But what do I know? FEAR, Ignorance, and Lust. And with enough money and power. Am I Motivated enough? I got up, rushing around for an iPad. Existence, Life? Motivation Is Merely The Invitation

981 Days Without B III, Day 422 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 099 ~Virgil, Won’t B Unknown~

WillLeave a comment

Into the unknown? I’m hoping that’s where I’ll find my boy. Today or a week from now, I have no clue. Then again, I know where I’ll be. And it sucks! Looking into the mirror every day. Ah! Has Virgil seen himself in a mirror? Virgil, Won’t B Unknown.

Sunday, October 8, 2023

Tale 099 ~Virgil, Won’t B Unknown~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And didn’t we speak only a few hours ago? It’s Sunday, October 1, 2023. So, bad vibes…

But it’s like this every Sunday. It’s knowing the workweek is about to begin. It’s getting a text or, worse, a phone call from “The Olds.” It’s walking down the aisle of PetSmart, trying to catch your breath. And why is that? You carried Braxton to his death right there. The things you know and remember. But this week, much like 2V… You know nothing! It makes our talk different and special, and you dare think good? A week, not existing. If you’re lucky, it won’t have to. The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had. Mad World? You wonder what Virgil dreams about. No fur baby dreams of death, right? But he has pictures and howling. Facebook and the neighbors know. You? Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Backyard Dungeon 2 (OR) Another Title
    Unknown
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Albums
    Unknown
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Unknown
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Unknown (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Unknown
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Unknown

And as you thought, this week is unique because you don’t know if any of these things got done. But if we stick with current trends… One yes and five no. You rather not know. What would I do if I were in your shoes? Hello, Man In The Mirror. I would see myself… HAPPY. Gasp! Now, all you want to do is disappear. Virgil sees you, not like Braxton. But he does, and people know, at least when you’re walking out the door. Leaving. Praying? If you ever talked to GOD again. But it would be the same thing. To let you trade places with Braxton. Spare him and take you. Because, like you said, there are bad vibes today. And Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Backyard Dungeon 2 (OR) Another Title
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

So I can’t give you any advice. Not that you would listen anyway. Or try to understand it ever. Like these motivational speeches, keep talking about magic wands, miracles, and must. What must you do while you sit in bed with 3 Doors Down’s ” If I Could Be Like That.” Dead? Do you remember when you were scared to talk like this? Intrusive thoughts? If you want to lay anywhere. Let it be in the pages of some book you have written. You’ve been seeing a lot from “mosttalentedbaldman” Johnny Sins. You can lay in bed or anywhere else. With some pretty girl, heh-heh. That’s going out with a bang. Don’t you think? But you’re no father, writer, or boss. Virgil, Won’t B Unknown

980 Days Without B III, Day 421 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 093 ~No Scar Is The Same~

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“Cause it hurts when you hurt somebody.” And I don’t want to do that… That’s a lie. When it comes to certain people, pain is fun. But I never wanted to hurt B III, 2V, or scar people. And how’s that working out. Chicks dig scars? No Scar Is The Same.

Monday, October 2, 2023

Tale 093 ~No Scar Is The Same~

Three-Hundredth And Eleventh Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… This means I must always be hurting somebody. And yet, I’ll play the victim. But these scars…

Heart, Mind, Body, And Soul. I want to say I don’t have a heart. But a lie against B? Madam, I remember when they told me B had a Heart Murmur. I have his medications. And twice every day… at least once (sniffles), I call him for “Medicine Time.” But in the end, it was his kidneys that failed. I failed Braxton, my son, prince. Hell! The littlest God, Madam. And talk about not being healed or leaving a scar. A broken heart, 974 Days. Well, by the time you read this, anyway. I’m way in the past. With Time Travel, it’s Sunday, September 24, 2023. Still in the month of E-Day. Oh! You know we’re going to talk about that. And thirty-nine still sucks.

My head hurts. But the only scars I ever hear about came from my sister when she cut my forehead. Or whichever poor lady cuts my hair. As I don’t take care of myself, sigh. The real damage is my mind, though. Have you noticed how I talk to myself? Hell! The fact that I do talk to myself at all. And about what? How Republicans scar us all daily. My body, though. I’ve noticed… yeah I still have The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident tag. There’s also the memory of The Cherry Collision. What do I have in the closet, along with every outfit for potential partners? I call myself as a sadist. But I’m just a sucker for pain. And what about my soul?

Without Braxton’s death and the ninth circle, I’d be headed for the second with my LUST. This blog, The Pic Phenomenon, character customizations, lingerie purchases…

My poor Ma… from my mother’s womb, untimely ripped. A scar I’m sure she bares. Madam, that’s something I wish I could heal. Again, we’ve moved beyond E-Day for another year, but if I had my way… All I’ve ever done is cause her pain; I know it. Hmm. Then there’s my son, my granddad’s funeral, the fur baby I adopted. Virgil doesn’t cry… Not until I leave the house anyway. And for now, he must be bored out of his mind, poor guy. Me? Besides billionaire status, I’m worried and pained. So many scars… No Scar Is The Same

974 Days Without B III, Day 415 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 092 ~That’ll B What, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I haven’t seen Fight Club in forever. But there’s always time to listen to Motivations. And while I disagree with their idea of Hell… That was watching my son die. Heaven is seeing the person you want to be in the mirror. “That’s B What, Virgil”

Sunday, October 1, 2023

Tale 092 ~That’ll B What, Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… You’re really trying these new intros, aren’t you? Should you get a poster of Tyler Durden? Affordable?

You wouldn’t know. No. Yesterday, I was too busy trying to figure out how I was going to eat or not. Yeah, you have the “Fight Club” concept on the brain. Your head, sigh. All you have to do is think about this as if it were Braxton’s death again. Doing that again? There was no line when it came to putting Triple B in a box. Price was irrelevant with dying. Another reason you’re so in love with it. The cost of living gets under your skin like a virus. You are one of The Walking Dead and all. No wonder Virgil is terrified. Ghostly fur babies and zombies. Tis the season for that sort of a thing. But never for Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING A People’s History of the Vampire Uprising: A Novel (For Kindle)
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 058 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Now, what would I’ve done better last week? Or I could ask this. “If I Were A Rich Man?” Seeing as how you’re trying something different. It would help if you even wanted to remember last week. Or is it all the days that are blending together, leading nowhere? Let’s start with the Six Impossible Things. One was taken care of. Congratulations! That’s according to both Goodreads and Kindle. Two should have been done years ago. I have time to focus on the ladies’ “assets.” You need to honor Braxton. Hell! Virgil, too Hmm! Three? Again, I have the time, but you must enjoy working your horrible Day Job. Now, with Four? What made you break your streak? Dirty fantasies you wrote down someplace. You weren’t focusing on your book. And Five and Six fold right back into Two. Braxton… Honor him. Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Backyard Dungeon 2 (OR) Another Title
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Once again, what would I have done differently? Those motivational speeches say that wealthy people read. Were there no Republicans back then? I’m rich… and I don’t go around banning soon-to-be-burning books. I write them. Some for B III. And the others… If I’m not being Eric Vall, Logan Jacobs, Neil Bimbeau, or Imogen Linn. I’m living. Existing for now seems to be enough for you. But having a woman, feeling something. The fact that I can make Braxton and Virgil proud. The confidence, courage, and cost. Tomorrow is going to be a bad day. But for me? A Lovely Day. That’ll B What, Virgil

973 Days Without B III, Day 414 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 087 ~Look Out B…Low Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Braxton would step on my face to wake me in the morning. A reason to stay on top of things like groomer appointments. Now I remember to look at the foot of the bed for V. Has the backyard fence fallen? Don’t Look Down? But then Look Out B…Low Virgil.

Tuesday, September 26, 2023

Tale 087 ~Look Out B…Low Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But does that make up for me being less than 6′? 5′ 5″. And my enormous…

I’m in a randy mood. And also, I’m not a liar. Am I all cried out from Braxton today, hmm? Am I sweating bullets from whatever it is that will break next? Billionaires hate money? Yeah, that made me chuckle. But you don’t have to worry about me getting on a sub or going into space. As much as death… fascinates me. Drowning has to be one of the worst ways to go. And I gave up my astronaut aspirations so many years ago. Madness? Anyway, I’m not talking about Star Wars or Star Trek. You know I’ll obsess somewhat. No. That’s all saved for Braxton. But why am I looking down and not up? Plus, his box is still sitting here on the nightstand.

It was the same when he was alive. B was getting older, sicker, and dying, but I turned a blind eye to it. I mean everything. And then I caught his eye a certain way, and you know the song love. “When the walls come tumblin’ tumblin’ down.” And so it was with my firstborn. But what reminded me of Braxton today… As if I needed reminding, It was the freeloader. Virgil is one of our “children.” Okay, so I took him outside and came back in the house for something. Thirty-nine since E-Day, so forgive me, I’m old. Heading outside… Frightens me for all sorts of reasons. But today, Friday, September 22, 2023, it was the fence in the backyard. It doesn’t look right.

Hell! I haven’t looked right going on 968 and counting. I might fall anytime. Another reason I stay sitting in bed. And that’s not right at all, my love. What’s my Depression doing to our family? You can’t understand what Braxton’s death did to me. My boy always looked up or to the side because that’s where Daddy stays. And how did I reward him? By sending him to Hell? Because I know I’m not going anywhere else, baby girl. And I always like being warm. But can’t my wife’s arms or our children wrapped around my legs do the same? I cry, I throw money, and it’s only a matter of time before the fence finally falls. Cold and alone. Look Out B…Low Virgil

968 Days Without B III, Day 409 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 086 ~Sometimes, Heroes Will Require Saving~

WillLeave a comment

I had a “phase” when I asked God to save me. There were those days I asked God to save B. Like the song goes, He’s My Son. And what about saving myself? “I’m the bad guy, duh.” I need saving from the radio. Sometimes, Heroes Will Require Saving.

Monday, September 25, 2023

Tale 086 ~Sometimes, Heroes Will Require Saving~

Three-Hundredth And Tenth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… so say it with me… You’re No Hero! I’m far from it. But Ma’am, I know one.

Okay… a few more. But I, as always, want to talk about my son, who was/is my hero. B. Be my hero… get it? Yeah, I’ve never been one for comedy as I’m not one to be brave ha. The comedian and caped crusader are dead. I wish I could add my cowardice, Madam. But no. My courage died alongside my son. And what about Virgil? He ain’t Braxton. Madam, my son was/is a big, brave dog… in spirit. What drew me to Virgil was the fact that I saw fear. I am my father’s son and don’t want to be um… scary. I mean, both Virgil and I are afraid to exist. But I saved him. What does that make me? A big hero, Ma’am. Ain’t we just. Firefly?

In case you were wondering where that bit of diatribe came from. Plus, censorship. Critics. One more reason I ain’t a hero and more like a Republican. Won’t I defend free speech? There’s plenty of which I should be fighting for every day. “It’s a wicked world that we live in. It’s cruel and unforgiving,” the song says. That’s why we need heroes and champions. I need my son. But when he needed me? Virgil needs me? A hero born and one in the making. What does it take, Madam? Daddies are heroes, or they should be. But with V. Hell, with existence in general? “Wish I’d been a prom KING, fighting for the title,” I swear this pop culture.

Because today, I would instead pay off a villain and possible racist in Logan Jacobs. Speaking with Lady Sophia this morning, I said I needed more audiobooks. Am I Wrong? This Is America. So that means, in one way or another, I’m paying off a racist somewhere down the line. And while I’m no Republican or one to stick to the status quo… yeah, right. I want to play the villain. Or should I say antihero, depending on your definition? I could say I’m giving myself too much credit since all I want, I’d do right here in bed. Madam, I want to write books, run a brothel, and make “specific” movies. Sheets become capes? For Braxton, myself, a wife? Sometimes, Heroes Will Require Saving

967 Days Without B III, Day 408 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 085 ~I’d B Worried, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Some people worry that their next breath will be their last. I worry “my” next breath ain’t. Don’t I sound like an ungrateful so-and-so? And I worry too much, from fur kids to books, where’s all the money going. And me? I’d B Worried, Virgil

Sunday, September 24, 2023

Tale 085 ~I’d B Worried, Virgil~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now… which means my only concerns are making more money and who to hurt next. So poor you.

In spirit, simoleons, Stuff and Thangs, etcetera. Tears are the only thing there’s plenty of. It’s not even 5:30 a.m. yet. And you’ve already been crying. And not over Braxton? Well, he’s always had something to do with it. And Sunday was never your favorite day. Every day that ends in Y. That’s existence for ya. And then you ask what’s wrong with V, huh? That’s something he has in common with Braxton. He feels what you feel… Do Better. Get Well? Or, as the kids would say, Get Good. “Life’s a game for everyone.” But no, you still don’t believe love is a prize. That should be a gift. And as much as you hate E-Day, what did you get? Uh, Six Impossible Things?

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING A People’s History of the Vampire Uprising (OR) Any Other Title
    Completed “Revelation (Pessumae Christi),” Imogen Linn
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 051 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 058 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

And at least four of them you’ve owned forever. Like the books, you ain’t reading. Speaking of books, you must finish “A People’s History of the Vampire Uprising: A Novel.” Or what? Amazon will come and get you? Billionaires hurt people, am I right? But it’s not people you’re interested in hurting… Sadist, though you are. No, it’s Braxton. Hell! He’s still dead. But in remembering his death and reading about other fur babies. Which all the books say you shouldn’t do. Somehow, it keeps you awake and alive. You’ve only begun this week, and you feel dead inside as I did. And not because of E-Day or the vampires. I’d B worry that the day and books hold sway over you. Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING A People’s History of the Vampire Uprising: A Novel (For Kindle)
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 058 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Oh, you know they don’t. But I was working outside yesterday and again thinking about all the books you have yet to read. Hometown Hero (The Breeder Book 1), Witch Girl Study Group: The Complete Series, Backyard Dungeon 2: A Reverse Portal Fantasy, etcetera. Sensing a pattern. You’ll have to ask Braxton about quitting fur baby books. What about the fence that could fall down any day now? And you’re money situation. Then there’s the Day Job. And did the pants I bought yesterday even fit you? You know the real worries? Are you forgetting your son Braxton, the freeloader Virgil Vivi? Turning into a Republican trying to turn off the world. And to sleep forever. Dangerous Thoughts. But so’s Existence. I’d B Worried, Virgil

966 Days Without B III, Day 407 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 080 ~Virgil, B…eing Beautiful Hurts~

WillLeave a comment

“You knock me off of my feet, now baby,” or “Take My Breath Away.” When I see a pretty girl, it’s more like Sade’s “Smooth Operator.” But there was when I first saw Braxton. When he died, it was “Song Unsung” Beautiful. Virgil, B…eing Beautiful Hurts

Tuesday, September 19, 2023

Tale 080 ~Virgil, B…eing Beautiful Hurts~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But one of the last things I would buy would be a mirror. Other than Mondays…

My love, I’d shave on Mondays when I had the old Day Job and wouldn’t bother looking into a mirror the rest of the week. How do THEY say… Money can make anyone beautiful. Right? Or should I say white, “right,” in a GOP way? I can’t avoid the ugly. Well, unless I’m crying about my boy. Next to you, Braxton, is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I’m being honest. Why do you think I stayed out of my “business” when he was around? I have seen angels three times in my existence. I’m not counting the Victoria’s Secret catalog -being young. I’ve mentioned thirty-nine sucks continuously? Anyway, there was the day I buried an angel. I married one. Then you birthed ours.

And it hurts. Heaven help me, it “Hurts Like Hell.” Every day, I fight to keep my eyes closed. And ain’t that a sin? I’ve sung it before and’ll say it again, “Feeling super, super, super suicidal.” But why when “There’s so much beauty in the world. I feel like I can’t take it.” “My” critic was telling me today, Sunday, September 17, 2023. I use too many pop culture references. And why don’t I use “my” own words? They are too damn ugly. And so I surround myself with beauty. My dame, dimes, dependents (our children), and death… well, only B III’s. “Live fast, die young, and leave a beautiful corpse,” I read. Stopping his heart couldn’t erase my Braxton’s beauty. I See Fire…

Or rather Braxton’s ashes sitting in a box on the nightstand or the pendant around my throat. Which I’m surprised your hands haven’t found… yet. Or am I your “pretty monster,” as in Tillie Cole’s book Jegudiel? There is beauty everywhere, my love, I know. And for how long now… 961 days, I’ve been searching. No! You’re here, our kids. Dealing with the Rebeccas the first time I saw Virgil. Hell! Seeing Braxton years ago. Love, I say it was love at first sight, but I was so blind to it back then. I guess I am now, but I’m trying. Braxton, the first billion, and the painting Backwards Beauty. It all nearly killed me. “What A Heavenly Way To Die.” Virgil, B…eing Beautiful Hurts.

961 Days Without B III, Day 402 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 079 ~Survival Doesn’t Promise Happy Endings~

WillLeave a comment

I’ve kept V alive for 401 days. B had 15 years. Now, what made B happy? Comfy spots, cuddling with his Aunt’s Yabbos, and counting the minutes until his Dad arrived home. I survived 15 E-Days with him. But Survival Doesn’t Promise Happy Endings.

Monday, September 18, 2023

Tale 079 ~Survival Doesn’t Promise Happy Endings~

Three-Hundredth And Ninth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… But I have seen that billionaires are the cringiest, crabbiest, and crappiest people. They don’t die. Submarine…

So does that mean I want to be happy? Today, Sunday, September 17, 2023, I long to die, Madam. It will be no different by the time you read this. But “Love and Happiness,” huh? Love died with my little boy, my Braxton. And Happiness? The seventh E-Day. I think. I survived that one and the thirty-ninth, too. Somehow, someway, I’m surviving. But for what? As I told Lady Lunalesca yesterday. Pop culture has been bouncing around inside my head. “My” Existence is a mix of 2009’s The Road, Half-Life 2, 1984, and Equilibrium. Sigh. As the song plays, “I keep asking God what I’m for. And he tells me, “Gee, I’m not sure,” sigh. I’m doing a lot of that, Madam. I’m still breathing.

So, shouldn’t I show some gratitude? That’s not one of the meditations I’ve done today. And I got enough gratitude with those motivational speeches I once played daily. Ha-ha! From wanting to move forward in this existence. To seek only the will to endure. Endure and Survive? But don’t plan on being happy for the love of everything, Madam. Hell! I love Braxton like pancakes, but he didn’t make me happy. I was/am proud of him, Madam. I was a Papa. I pounded the pavement of this existence. That’s because I promised him that I would keep him safe. And here I go, crying again because how’d that turn out? Madam, with all the stories I tell myself. Braxton didn’t die happy. Brave, proud, loved…

But Happy… That’s a question I don’t ask the Man in the Mirror anymore. I don’t ask how to survive either, to be fair. It’s what I do? It’s like that fable “The Scorpion and the Frog.” But neither of them survived? One more reason I’m so “in love with dyin’,” as it were. “We are The Walking Dead,” “We are the Dead,” and that’s how it is, Madam. Life, Living, Love? No! Every day, I rise from the dead. And I move like everyone else towards… I don’t know. But zombies, the infected, and the stupid. Viruses Madam. Stupidity has infected me. And the cure? One day, I’ll find out, Madam, if I survive. Do I want to? Knowing Survival Doesn’t Promise Happy Endings

960 Days Without B III, Day 401 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will