Tag: Always And Forever

Meditation 001 ~Virgil, That’ll B New~

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Meditations? Really? More like complaining, crying, and talking about my… Uh, here we are in another year. I remember why I started eight years ago… somewhat. Now? Has anything changed? B III’s been gone longer. And the title. Virgil, That’ll B New

Tuesday, July 2, 2024

Meditation 001 ~Virgil, That’ll B New~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? New year and all! Into the future! My love for you, family, my firstborn son…

It’ll be greater now than from where I am, Saturday, June 22, 2024. Meditations huh? Love, it’s easier in the past and the future, but what about today? I’m halfway tempted to turn on a little Luther Vandross “Here And Now.” A pledge, promise, proposal…

Braxton didn’t need any of that. How many times have I told this story? The one about my Olds moving to the new house, and I told Braxton to get in the car. That’s that!

Virgil, our new furry companion, will do that someday, and then you’ll break out all Giselle-like with, “That’s How You Know.” Well, not if I keep this up… Choosing my boys over you. Correction, Braxton, my firstborn. Because if I ever feel the same way about Virgil as I do about Braxton. It’d be new.

This is not how I wanted to start the new year with you, my love. But still 2022, 2023, 2024. And crying over my B is nothing new. Living in music. The sadness, sorries, selfishness.

Braxton is gone. Virgil is the new fur buddy. You are more beautiful. Our children grow bigger and stronger. But as for myself? When you met me, I was one man. And since I would never ever abandon my family… the one we built together. I’ll be a new man.

Someday. But it’s the present that’s giving me the most trouble. To explain it… Honestly.

Beloved, it’s the number of letters between B – V. My Braxton and Virgil. Alphabetically.

It’s the distance between PetSmart’s front door and Banfield Pet Hospital in the back. Ok.

How about it’s the length from the tip to the base… Eww! But at least you know I still want you, love. Always and forever. “The Closer I Get To You,” Baby Girl, “My Love.”

Sigh, it would be something new if I could speak to you without a piece of monologue like Sheldon Cooper used on Amy Farrah Fowler in The Big Bang Theory. If I could quit the movie lines and the music. You know me too well.

“I need you now. I need you more than ever before, before. I know the man I am is not who I should be.” Dance On Our Graves, Paper Route

Instead of waking up to the old world and expecting Braxton to be here, how about I wake up to the new world—the new existence that I promised not only my son but you?

To be a man of Meditations, not grief? To be a man who meditates on the present and the future, not dwelling on the past. Braxton’s loss. To Live? That’s new. Virgil, That’ll B New

1248 Days Without B III, Day 689 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 360 ~Virgil, Braxton Makes Paper~

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It’s Only A Paper Moon… Nope. According to the publisher, it’s been six years. So, the moon is very real. Moving the tides but not turning the pages of all I’ve written. About love? No, Braxton left three years ago. “Virgil, Braxton Makes Paper”

Tuesday, June 25, 2024

Tale 360 ~Virgil, Braxton Makes Paper~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? I wake up every day with a heart bursting with love for you. But today, my love, I also woke up with something else. Hmm…

Hope. Such mad hope. But there it is. Huh. I’d rather wake up with a fervent hope, a desire to see my son Braxton. Alive, thriving, and brimming with the joy of life once more.

I love you and our family. I’ll Always Love My Mama. I have a younger sister and two nephews. I’d only need a little paper to make a list of all those that I love.

Speaking of which, why did I wake up with hope… Do not worry, my love; despite my business leanings, I haven’t gone all out, like the characters in ‘Succubus Lord, ‘Satan’s Sorority Girls, ‘Bikini Days, ‘and ‘Backyard Dungeon. ‘ These are just some of the books I’ve been reading in my free time. Love, didn’t I say I have a lot of time to read?

Today, I woke up with a glimmer of hope. It was sparked by a dream, a memory from six years ago when I heard from that publishing company. The dream, though fleeting, brought back a surge of emotions and a renewed sense of possibility. Really?

Time has a way of slipping through our fingers, doesn’t it? I’ve spent the past three years in mourning, and I know there will be more. But please, don’t hold that against me. I yearn for a different kind of love. One that’s not confined to paper or literary aspirations. I want to be a lover, not just a lyricist… sometimes. I want a tangible love that I can hold in my arms and feel in my heart every day.

Someone You Loved… I hope someone you love shouldn’t require so much paperwork, Baby Doll. But again, with all my extra time, there is a lot of it. Now you know why I would rather look at shapely Yabbos all day. Or dream that my Braxton is watching over me.

But I can write this all down. And what does it mean to you, love?

The critic says it’s a mess. My account hints that I need more paper. Every time you hand me something to read, Darling… Well, that’s rare. But being a parent with all our children’s drawings, dealing with grades, and deciding that they want to follow in my footsteps… with writing at least. I don’t want to be their dad on paper or with our DNA. I want to be their dad in every sense of the word, guiding, supporting, and loving them unconditionally. I must.

You, love? Well, you’ve always been more of a More Than Words type of woman. You’ve been my inspiration, strength, and reason to keep going. Writing about us would be enough to put all those books I mentioned to shame. And then there’s the studio, “selling” experiences, and several cosplays. Such love for my business.

Braxton, though, you and our family. Virgil. While I’m a paperboy. Virgil, Braxton Makes Paper

1241 Days Without B III, Day 682 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 356 ~Virgil, It’s Been… Braxton~

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Considering I can’t buy all the books I want, I shouldn’t miss Kindle’s double points. Yes, give Jeff Bezos more money. And speaking of giving out money. My father’s B-Day is soon. And since I have a Day Job… Read on? Virgil, It’s Been… Braxton?

Friday, June 21, 2024

Tale 356 ~Virgil, It’s Been… Braxton~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… Judging by that title, I would rather tell Braxton tales. Humiliations, Happy Birthdays, Humping Around, Hiccups…

In my childhood, growth and development in becoming a REAL man? I need more books. Yesterday, I was looking up books about Dog Dads. I’m still missing my Braxton, Sophia.

Walking through the front door is weird, and I have to cycle between the letters B and V, as in Braxton and Virgil. And no, I am no closer to Acceptance. Braxton being gone, never!

But if I’m not reading about another book on my son’s passing, what’s next, Sophia? Thursday, I finished “Attention, Shoppers” by Blair Daniels. Only today’s book review will cover Backyard Dungeon 11 by Logan Jacobs. And what about book 12? Strangely enough, all I’ve been reading has manhood/fatherhood vibes at its core, dear Lady Sophia.

But first, that book review.

A 7-11 In Backyard Dungeon

I’m picking up another four stars for Backyard Dungeon 11. Is there any chance of five since I’ve read the first ten books? Close, but there is always a “but” or seven. Ha-Ha! What’s a man to do when he has everything: seven wives, his dogs/garms, and his first child? As the saying goes, “Disregard Females, Acquire Currency.” Well, not that first part… Besides all the Effing of his seven wives… Soon to be eight? Screwing up his enemies is quite a fun time reading about. And the pop culture references scattered about. However, this title is more of a guilty pleasure of mine. Even with some of my more open-minded friends… the redneck shenanigans, Colonizer chicanery can’t be ignored.

So, back to this existence, what all happened yesterday had me waking up at 3:00 AM to a nightmare. Isn’t every day with my firstborn son? Anyway, the Day Job was exhausting and humiliating as usual. But I don’t have to worry about the schedule.

Sophia, I should “Shout Praises!” I’ve been worried about the Day Job. Only now… Sigh.

My father’s birthday is coming up. I could get him the books he told me to read, Animal Farm and 1984. And look at me now, on the cusp of living out those books in real time, Soph. And even writing them. I did work on GULP before I got the schedule, so no time?

Tell that to Braxton. I wish. Virgil, It’s Been… Braxton

1237 Days Without B III, Day 678 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 353 ~B Preserves It, Virgil~

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A life worth remembering. To have lineage, a legacy, lots of money, and love… Braxton and I had each other. Never enough money, but there was love. As for ladies? Well, unlike Virgil, Braxton had “balls.” But saving his life? B Preserves It, Virgil

Tuesday, June 18, 2024

Tale 353 ~B Preserves It, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? I love our family. I love what I do… NOW. Virgil is alright. But my love for you, my future wife, is beyond words. But what about my… existence? Sigh.

NO! I’d rather talk about my Braxton. Surprise, surprise! My son’s been gone 1234 days. And you know what I thought about as soon as we were finished? And again, Baby Doll, I’m sorry. As Norah Jones sang, “I don’t know why I didn’t come.” Well, I do know, love.

As I was getting a towel to dry you off after… I couldn’t help but notice Braxton’s bed, untouched, and his favorite toy still in the same spot. These items hold so much of him, his essence, his DNA. It’s a bittersweet reminder, my love.

When it comes to my firstborn son, I’ve said even though I didn’t pour the Bisquick. Braxton was/is my favorite Pancake. I still have some of Braxton’s food and medications.

My love, “Had I known how to save a life.”

My love, I find myself in a constant battle. I hold onto my grief for Braxton as if it’s the only way to keep him close. But in doing so, it feels like I’m also losing my love for you. It’s a painful paradox, one that I’m trying to navigate.

I’ve been talking a lot about having “Too Much Time on My Hands.” And with the summer months, I’m thawing out even more pain. And not just mine, Baby Girl. Do you remember the book “Lust” by Ker Dukey? It was about a former football star who lost his brother. Then there’s “40 Days and 40 Nights,” about the guy and his ex-girlfriend. Oh No!

Where am I taking this?

There are also three more of my favorite books:
The Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson
A Different Alchemy by Chris Dietzel
The Island by Gary Paulsen

One man is a former adult star who can no longer perform. Another runs away from the world after the loss of his son. I REALLY relate to that one. The third camps out on an island, and his “girlfriend” says he’s changing. But what do all these titles have in common? I ask you.

Men who stop performing, playing, and preserving their legacies. Sunday was Father’s Day, and I’ll say it again. Fatherhood is the epitome of Manhood. And what is mine, I ask?

Being your husband. A good father to our children, even to Virgil. But I need your understanding and support to save myself in this. Somehow, Someway! B Preserves It, Virgil

1234 Days Without B III, Day 675 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 349 ~Virgil, Will, Forever B~

WillLeave a comment

So many monsters know immortality, eternity, and forever. My Braxton could be a beast. Ha! And he’s up there terrorizing a heavenly buffet or guarding the gates of “heck.” Where will I end up? All the time in the world, right? Virgil, Will, Forever B

Friday, June 14, 2024

Tale 349 ~Virgil, Will, Forever B~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… Is my autobiography too painful? Well, “I Can’t Stop.” And then there’s Braxton and MORE BOOKS!

But what about Braxton’s two novels? They are not just novels but deeply personal accounts of our shared experiences. As I’ve told Braxton and some of the girls, I have more than enough time. More than Three Days Grace and the “Pain” of it all. So I should start now.

But already, I’m late. That’s one of Braxton’s last lessons to me. I was so busy with the Day Job that I ignored him. Three years later, I’m scared of losing all “my” working hours.

Seriously, at the same Day Job, I blame for losing him. They are the only people at fault other than myself for Braxton having to be put to sleep. Much like the term Euthanasia, I hate that phrase being “put to sleep.” I nearly explained that to one of my nephews. But there are books:

“Loosing” A Pet Lost Stars

I’m not going to say anything about “Loosing” a pet. I don’t know if I would be right or wrong. But I’ll tell you what I know. It’s three stars. And let me tell you what else I know. I love my boy. He’s been gone three long years, and this book made me cry. But I cry with every book on pet loss, too. The most I got from Hannah Bennett’s The Survival Guide to Pet Loss is more ways to honor my furry son’s life. And his passing. But with the friends, I know that have experienced the same… I don’t like the fact I’ve read so many books on this pain. But I can recommend better titles.

One more book review down, Lady Sophia. What do THEY say… the internet is forever?

And that’s what I’ve been thinking about between the Day Job, the dollars lost, and another D that hasn’t done anything for me in a week. Is this how I want to be remembered, Lady Sophia? A guy who is lost in a Divinyls ditty, “I Touch Myself.” Uh, Eww!

I would rather be known as a devoted father of two… so far. But again, my Braxton is gone. And Virgil, my other “son,” and I aren’t exactly on the best terms. Always and Forever? But yes, I’ve called him son here or there, but…

But nothing. I have to write. And look at the time. It may look like forever. But only Braxton knows forever. Virgil, Will, Forever B

1230 Days Without B III, Day 671 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 346 ~The B Keeper Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I think Braxton is trying to tell me something. I need to break in the new/old couch downstairs with a good movie. Of course, I didn’t buy it. My Olds decorating this house for a future I can’t see. And don’t want to. “The B Keeper Virgil.”

Tuesday, June 11, 2024

Tale 346 ~The B Keeper Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… I would “Dive for You.” What? Am I longing for a movie night with everything?

That movie is 2004’s Appleseed. Everything is about my little boy Braxton. But he’s not. Right? I have you babe, our babies, and business. My future is coming on. Our…

Yours and mine. But Braxton’s I keep. I don’t know what we’ll be doing tomorrow. Inevitably, though. Or at least it has been for at least 1227 days. I’ve found my way to my Braxton.

Love will find a way. As the song goes. And I do mean the Blessid Union of Souls version, Baby Doll. And not “The Lion King II: Simba’s Pride” edition. Wow! I’m really looking for a date night. “I Think I Love My Wife,” I’m kidding. I know. Like, I know I love B III.

Love, a future without him…

I’ve been thinking about the future a lot. Retirement? Don’t I wish. I’m nearly forty. Whenever I think about it, I immediately go back to my son. I know you don’t like me saying this, but the only thing I regret more than my birth is B’s passing. His euthanasia.

At least I didn’t have a say in birth. But ending Braxton… Ending everything, grieving.

“I’m Thinking of Ending Things.” I mean the movie. Not us, love. Always and forever.

But what does forever look like if you can stand me crying for my lost boy every few days. I was just talking about reading Hannah Bennett’s “The Survival Guide to Pet Loss” and Backyard Dungeon 11. To have all the time in the world.

“THEY,” say if you do what you love, then you’ll never work a day in your life. Sigh. First, I need to start living, but that’s another story. You’re my future, so I want to spend more time with you. If it isn’t sitting on the couch watching movies, it’s lying together as we listen to some 50’s apocalyptic pop. I don’t know how to sell a contradiction, right? Ha-Ha!

I want to keep writing books and making movies with beautiful women. And be somewhere between Hefner, Dennis Hof, and Jedediah the Terrible. Minus the criminality… A moral grey area

Beekeeping though? I’m not interested in the practice or the Jason Statham flick, The Beekeeper. But Braxton, you and our children, and Virgil buzzing around me. The B Keeper Virgil.

1227 Days Without B III, Day 668 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 339 ~Virgil, To B Apart~

WillLeave a comment

“I know you were right, I can’t be fixed.” Tell that to Virgil. He got stuck with broken me. Is it good that I’m nuts because he doesn’t have any? Jokes aren’t getting us any closer. And Braxton’s further away. Women… Ha-Ha. “Virgil, To B Apart”

Tuesday, June 4, 2024

Tale 339 ~Virgil, To B Apart~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But those three little words, “I Love You,” are so far apart some days, love.

And I’m trying to figure out how to push them back together every day. Somehow. Taking Braxton’s ashes, with a bit of his fur and whatever else he left of himself, isn’t going to bring him back to me. Ladders can only go so high. Or how low I would have to go. That would be easier. But I’m still picking up the pieces of my broken heart. This mess

Those pieces are stopping me from finding the way to Hell. And looking into those pieces, do you know what I see? All the parts of this existence I love. Again, my love, I try.

But I’m no good with fixing things around the house. I couldn’t fix Braxton. What about our marriage? Not broken

Love has so many new parts now. Gigantic! A big, big love! Did I say that out loud? I can’t be that far gone when I want even more babies. If you’re up for that, my love. And isn’t that the whole point of existence? I believe that love is the answer. You know. Ha-Ha.

More to the point, the meaning of life… Seek out a kingdom “Worthy of Your Soul.” OK, I’ll turn the music off. But it’s a part of who I am. Only there are bigger parts. Um, well, you know that Baby Girl. OK, I’ll stop. But you would rather have me revved up than crying.

But I cried the whole time. Doesn’t matter had… relations.

Lies and jokes, my love…

I’m trying to find more parts of myself to help build us. And then there’s B III—boy, dog, son.

I want him to see from Heaven, The Rainbow Bridge, or wherever he ended up. My love, I need an existence so big that… What, he’ll find his way back? He’ll see my kept promise?

If I could love you, our family, and even Virgil so much, somehow, I could find my way into Heaven or build one for us. It takes so much. There are so many moving parts.

I have to get moving and start finding those parts. Lest Braxton and I, you and I, Virgil and I never find our way together. Humpty Dumpty. Fix. Even it out. Virgil, To B Apart

1220 Days Without B III, Day 661 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 332 ~ They’ll B Things, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Tell me that I could have Braxton back, and what thing would I give up. The phone, my por… my relationship collection. How about having an Enormous… uh. Well, I’m sure the Future Wife would miss that. But They’ll B Things, Virgil

Tuesday, May 28, 2024

Tale 332 ~ They’ll B Things, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… I love you. Much like “I am happy.” Such words do not come cheap or…

At all. When was the last time I told Braxton I love him? I’ve been more inclined to talk about time travel. Today’s Tuesday, May 21, 2024. By now, it’s been 1213 days without him.

And how many days since there’s been no word about him? I’m sure I screwed up somewhere down the line. It’s why his bed, toys, bowls, medicine, and comfy spots remain. My son’s things. I’m still mad about the very floor he once walked. Flooded. I wore glasses that finally gave up the ghost and broke. So now it’s like I have to see things as brand new. Even the DISH Network service he watched is gone. Yet another humiliation.

Watching wrestling and “other” things. The secrets I’ve tried keeping.

Not that I miss Braxton. Or that Virgil and I haven’t bonded in 654 days. How about the fact that our marriage, my love…? You and me, always and forever. Nothing changes that. How about the fact that I miss my Braxton so much? It makes me want you more.

It’s Physical Touch, Touch Starvation, Touch Deprivation, or my favorite, “Skin Hunger.” But I’ve said, “Everybody know I’m a… monster.” Zombie from S. Wolf’s novel.

And I believe I’ve had a revelation, my love. You know the things I want to do to you, baby girl. “I Want’a Do Something Freaky To You.” That is a secret kept from Braxton.

I once heard that when you want knowledge, money, success, or whatever, as badly as you want air. It is then that you’ll have it.

Only I can’t imagine wanting anything more than my son back. And to lose everything that I have seen my son tirelessly defend. The fence, the house, all of my little Braxton’s things, my love.

It’s why I deny myself. Everything, old and new, borrowed and blue. Haven’t I been saying I don’t feel like much of a man lately? But I’m your man. Again, always and forever. My love.

But the present is the thing. Love is a gift. A thought of caring like, Happy Birthday Cherry! The things I wanted from her. What I want from you, love. And V. To be happy.

We get that ourselves. The thing is, my Braxton’s still gone. They’ll B Things, Virgil.

1213 Days Without B III, Day 654 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will