Tag: Grief

Tale 056 ~We’ll B Positive Virgil~

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B III hasn’t reached the Bob Marley section in his musical selections with me. For example, Three Little Birds. But I’m positive I dreamed about him being a seagull and eating one of my books. Positive energy, sigh. We’ll B Positive Virgil.

Saturday, August 26, 2023

Tale 056 ~We’ll B Positive Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… Am I positive, Lunalesca? How many days I’ve been eating chicken? I’m losin’ my finger-lickin’ mind.

That’s from the movie “I Think I Love My Wife,” by the way. Ah, movie nights! Me, Braxton, and his Aunt Carolina. It wasn’t happiness. But a step-down or two. It’s not better than “Relations,” but better than sleeping —anything regarding staying on my behind. Only I read something yesterday that I can’t find today. If you want to know why I’m talking to you late, Lunalesca. It’s 6:50 in the morning. Well… Besides watching an old movie, I made of myself with my clothes off. I’ve been looking for this quote on energy. Something about love is energy and how it changes shape and never dies, dear Lunalesca. It makes me wanna cry… DIE.

Which, of course, is all I’ve been thinking about this past week. And with one week to go until E-Day… Emergence, Existence, Extinction. I don’t have the energy, Lunalesca, OK. You know what gives me energy? Relations… or rather solo Relations at this point, Luna. What was I doing yesterday? What made me feel good about myself? The Pic Phenomenon? As the song goes, “Oh God, I’m gonna die alone!” Only Braxton didn’t. He had me. But I didn’t follow him now, did I? Hell! I was too revved up fighting for his life, Lunalesca —the FEAR of losing him and the failure at doing so. FEAR more than anything else, Lunalesca. But it burns me out fast. It keeps me hiding underneath these covers. Chicken dinners, Virgil the dog, and Depression aren’t helping, Lunalesca.

Neither with the energy or positivity. No. With everything on the brain, my blood type… The things I can’t tell you, Lunalesca. Stuff and Thangs, I couldn’t tell Braxton, “Alright.” “We gon’ be alright. Do you hear me? Do you feel me? We gon’ be alright.” Wow, that song was out before he died. Not that it would have made a difference. Like the Almighty. And no, Lunalesca, I don’t mean the wrestler. Watching wrestling is perhaps one of the few positive things I do. If you call it watching and with everything… Windham’s death. The only things I’m positive about. The Thirty-Eighth E-Day will be the worst one ever. I miss my boy Braxton. And I’m still breathing. I’m alive. We’ll B Positive Virgil

937 Days Without B III, Day 378 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 053 ~B’s DIE Job Virgil~

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So much red ink in school. Gray hairs in my beard… I’m too old to have my Olds signing checks for me. The most official thing I’ve signed is for the death of my firstborn son. And his little tan hairs are replaced with white ones. B’s DIE Job Virgil

Wednesday, August 23, 2023

Tale 053 ~B’s DIE Job Virgil~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’d say anything or do anything… Other than saying my boy’s dead or killing him…

Again? But as I approach thirty-nine, that’s the only thing I can hold as an accomplishment —the stuff on “my” Bucket List. I want to be in love. And I want to know what It’s like to kill… thank you, Eli Roth. Am I better off than The 40-Year-Old Virgin… There have been girls. A lot… Why aren’t I a billionaire already? And have I paid for sex? Do I need a priest? Uh, we’ll get to that Inspector. But on the subject of death. The only one that’s come close to my wrath looks at me in the mirror every morning. Why are we talking about this this morning? Afternoon, considering time travel. Today is Thursday, August 17, 2023. But on Sunday, January 31, 2021. Braxton’s Fire and Blood.

Must I be so dramatic? And as if I could be like George R. R. Martin. Aren’t I a writer? Inspector, this whole damn month, I’ve felt like “Comic Book Guy” on The Simpsons. Oh!

How many days have I spent writing, and for what? It’s not fear, Inspector… Laziness. This is one more reason I’m not a doctor. Well, a scientist. Suppose you asked me for specifics besides me being STUPID. Inspector, I’ve looked into Virology. Zombie Virus? Solanum? Maybe I do need a priest. But I would never become one. Once upon a time, someone said I would become a preacher. I only had a use for God with two things, you know. To save my son. And for sex… How’s the brothel?

I’m not ashamed of saying I wanted to be Dennis Hof, Hugh Hefner, Larry Flynt. A particular photographer. Or The Most Talented Man In The World, Johnny Sins. My God! Inspector, what am I going to do? I still have a few weeks if I’m lucky. Will my Olds call? I wouldn’t blame them at all. My entire 30s have been one freaking disappointment, Echo. Hell! This existence. What am I, Inspector? The only comfort Braxton had was my love. And that only gets you so far. Again, look to my Olds. A son with a part-time Day Job who writes. All their checks vs. my words. One last job? Ruin me and Braxton’s existences. Virgil’s here, white hairs replacing brown/beige/tan. B’s DIE Job Virgil

934 Days Without B III, Day 375 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 052 ~Virgil’s Lovely Days B~

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“The sun is up, the sky is blue. It’s beautiful, and so are you.” My idea of a lovely day watching movies with B and one of his favorite girls in the world. Or waking up in some big fluffy pillows. Hell! Let B stand on my head. Virgil’s Lovely Days B

Tuesday, August 22, 2023

Tale 052 ~Virgil’s Lovely Days B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I’m always on the phone or reading a book, regardless of where I am… existing.

I’m always thinking about Braxton. I imagine so many ways I’d like to wake up Baby Doll. Allow me to get my inner Quagmire on AHEM “Giggity.” Anyway, I get up every morning knowing my son isn’t here. B III would either lie on my head to cover the alarm sounds. Or he would be stepping on my face because he needs to go out right now; what I wouldn’t give to have those days back. You, our children, being famous, our billions? “How Long Will I Love You?” How much do I love you? Always and forever. With all that, I am and more. And that leads me to what I’ve been thinking about these past days. E-Day? Death? And now, with Time Travel.

Today is Thursday, August 17, 2023. And I’m not dead yet. “I’m still breathing,” love. God knows at the old Day Job how I wanted to fall off a ladder or be crushed under some boxes. And with understanding “This Is America,” there are some “Dumb Ways To Die.” But I didn’t back then. And now? As I said, this man loves all that you are and more. What we are and will be. Only there was more of me, my love. Resurrection. Necromancy. My B. How I wish I had given him better days. A last day? Hell! Braxton should be here at eighteen. THEY say today is a good day to die. But as I was telling my boy, there’s always more Yabbos.

I’m sure he’s looking down on me from somewhere and saying, “Hey, Dad, comfy spot.” Whenever I was able to hug up next to you, my love. Or when the kids come and lie down on us. He’s saying, “You could be all soft and gentle, I remember.” Someday? Virgil will have a good day where he’s not scared and can feel all “Safe & Sound” after 374 days. Even now, I can’t tell you what a good day might look like for him. It’s not like I’m looking forward to lovey days myself. Again, we’re talking now as each day moves closer to E-Day. Emergence, Existence, Extinction. Desperation, Depression, and yes, Despondence. I’m sorry, love, we’re all looking forward to Virgil’s Lovely Days B.

933 Days Without B III, Day 374 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 049 ~Braxton’s Haunted House Virgil~

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Am I trying to get in or get out of this house? It depends on who you ask. I can’t say Virgil and I don’t know each other. As long as I sit and stay. There’s my Olds with E-Day coming up. I can’t hear what B’s saying. “Braxton’s Haunted House Virgil”

Saturday, August 19, 2023

Tale 049 ~Braxton’s Haunted House Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. So, handing out candy is the least I can do. Will I even see Halloween? E-Day

Lunalesca, we get a little closer to the second worst day of existence every day. Of course, you know the first. Hell! Virgil knows. With Virgil’s wailing and gnashing of teeth, I heard yesterday afternoon. He didn’t sign up for this. Well, neither did my B. “With these hands,” as the song goes. I swear, Lady Lunalesca, I’m a freaking monster. Only I’m trying to decide which one. Or am I something like the Rat King from The Last of Us Part II? Scooby Doo teaches us that the worst monsters are human, which explains what I did yesterday, Luna. Daphne and Velma sans any clothing. As always, we’ll get to that, won’t we? For now, there’s the ghost of my boy. Lunalesca… His voice…

Braxton hasn’t been speaking to me… I’m hearing my critic. And there’s also B III’s Aunt. I mean, seriously, how often do you want to talk to someone “feeling super, super (super!) suicidal.” I know I’ve been avoiding myself as much as possible, Lu. I swear. Lunalesca, how many times has it been that I’ve listened to the Succubus Lord Series? Yesterday, I looked to see if Satan’s Sorority Girls had an audiobook. More money… The only thing that makes more noise than the usually quiet V is dollars disappearing. And the way I’ve been scanning through what to read next. The Kindle Challenge (sigh). And here you thought I was skimming through porn. Heheh! Well, not to disappoint… Ecchi Na Onee-chan ni Shiboraretai. Japanese?

Given how things are going, we could all be speaking German for the Nazis or Russian, whichever the GOP prefers, but seeing as how I’m a Black Man. They don’t want me to speak at all. You know, the whole being dead and all. Is that why I’m a monster, Luna? Like father, like son, Braxton would follow me. And if I taught him that Lunalesca? I am more of a zombie than a ghost. As usual, I eat, but it doesn’t help ever, Luna. Going with another song, “Am I A Psycho?” Worst, if you’ve read my books, Lunalesca. Oh yeah! Here I am, almost thirty-nine, and what have I done? I haven’t lived a day. Especially after losing Braxton. Braxton’s Haunted House Virgil

930 Days Without B III, Day 371 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 046 ~Virgil, We’ll Be Listening~

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What big ears you have. Is the hole in the fence bigger? Is the phone loud enough.? Then there’s Virgil, who never makes a sound unless I walk out the door. How long do the neighbors have to listen to him? If I will. “Virgil, We’ll Be Listening”

Wednesday, August 16, 2023

Tale 046 ~Virgil, We’ll Be Listening~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. So I haven’t been complaining about my ears, the fence, Virgil vomiting on the phone… Uh?

Hell! I should be ashamed that it took him “almost” doing that to get my attention to do something. And after a few days, how is life for him now? If anything, the fact that he’s alive after one year here. Gotcha Day wasn’t big, ha. He had a bath and brush. A new bed? No! If I’m going to spend money… It’s going towards putting my firstborn, my Braxton, in a box. And what about the new one I’m supposed to be buying? If I had money… And that would take getting out of bed. Or how about, I don’t know. Trying to be happy. Is that from B? I wasn’t happy when he was here, but I was better. And then his silence.

What I wouldn’t give for a bout of silence. If anything, shouldn’t this be the most humiliating thing in existence? The fact that I still talk to myself. Imaginary friends. Pretending? At least with Braxton, I could pretend. But even saying V’s name these days. And that’s if I’m not busy moaning… It’s more like I let the girls I watch moan in one way or another. But I’m trying, Inspector. Every day, it gets a little bit “harder.” Really! Considering I’m time traveling now, Monday, August 14, 2023. It’s been 17 days for now. That’s all the bellyaching. Or rather, belly scraping, you’ll hear from me. Not even edging. But there is plenty to be upset about since we’re talking now. The Day Job?

Can I listen to the instructions at work? Don’t be STUPID. I’m not a visual guy there. But all about the visual lady’s Yabbos, but she’s gone. At least she told me she was leaving for a time. God knows I wish I could leave forever. Take from that what you will, Echo, I know. And speaking of which, the things I’ve been saying or, more to the fact, what I’ve been writing about. Will you please understand, Inspector? My mind is about three things. There’s my boys —namely Braxton. There’s making bucks. And, of course, anything to do with making babies. Oh! These three things are like a mixed drink that “messes” me up. 99 Problems. Virgil, me, B’s ghost. Virgil, We’ll Be Listening

927 Days Without B III, Day 368 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 045 ~Virgil’s Love B…eing Determined~

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Is it too much or not enough? Love. Where is the love? That’s not hard. It was at the vet’s on Sunday, January 31, 2021. It was in ashes on February 4. And sitting on my nightstand by the 10th. Friends, Ma, uh Virgil… Virgil’s Love B…eing Determined.

Tuesday, August 15, 2023

Tale 045 ~Virgil’s Love B…eing Determined~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I love the holidays. Now… Juneteenth is not a useless holiday, Vivek Ramaswamy. Scumbag!

Or that’s what my Ma would call him when she tries not to curse ha-ha. Somebody got on me about that today, a critic, Wednesday, August 9, 2023. So yes, I’m time-traveling once again, love. But didn’t I tell Inspector Echo that it’s a miracle I can even get out of bed? At all. Ever. Hell! I’m impressed Virgil can hold his bladder that long. B was/is much the same. But seeing how this is supposed to be the future, I wonder how “Gotcha Day” went with Virgil. I was going to say B III, honest to God. I’m hoping for a good Thursday. It’s Payday. I remember when I had my old Day Job. That getting paid was a testament to a wasted existence.

There is nothing to celebrate most days. Last night, right out of the blue, I was reminded to take some time off for E-Day. Emergence, Existence, Extinction. Level Thirty-nine soon. Baby Doll, not to go all Spice Girls, “If you wanna be my lover…” But I will never accept E-Day, especially now. It wouldn’t bother me. Not in the slightest if I weren’t here for it. Seventeen? Hell, younger than that should have been the end for me. All my billions, if I could have a Terminator built… I’d want it to go all Judgment Day. “I’ll Always Love My Mama.” As I’ve talked about before. My Aunt told me that I wanted the world destroyed. No profit in that. The Talmud says something like, to save a life is to save the world entire…

Then, to take a life is to destroy the world entirely, then yes. But only me. Do I love people? First and foremost, I love my family: you, my Braxton, the pancakes we made together. There’s my Ma, the freeloader living in the house… I should stop calling Virgil that. There’s a fondness for “my” little sister and my nephews. What about my “father” ha… A reason I want to make our billions. There are friends, B’s Aunt Carolina, M Anime, Cherry, Special K, I could go on. Really? Love Overflows, Overwhelms, and Omits me. It’s like “Me Before You.” I get up for Braxton’s memory, the love of a good woman; my children need their Daddy. Drink or Drown, Jigsaw. Virgil’s Love B…eing Determined.

926 Days Without B III, Day 367 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 042 ~Virgil B Spending Money~

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A dime piece or a dime? I usually spend several dimes except for Friday. Well, if you count such and such’s birthday coming up. But that’s more a present for me, not her, with E-Day coming up. Virgil’s “Gotcha Day” is Sunday. Virgil B Spending Money.

Saturday, August 12, 2023

Tale 042 ~Virgil B Spending Money~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I should be proud of being all Brewster’s Millions with it yesterday. Not by choice…

That’s because you are STUPID. I know you would never say that, Lunalesca. Otherwise, we couldn’t be friends no more. Of course, you know who I can’t be friends with. Lunalesca, you know I mean B III. And allow me to contradict myself. B and I are friends, but you know what I mean. And if only I had enough money… Friday was a fluke? Lunalesca, in a way, it was. But more my stupidity. I spent most of those Walmart gift cards on something for M Anime… Let’s say that’s never going to happen. I have a better chance of bringing Braxton back from the grave. Don’t THEY say if you can make a woman laugh…? Well, I’ve made plenty of women laugh, but…

Suppose you can wake the dead, Lunalesca. To get my inner Thulsa Doom on, “That is strength, boy! That is power!” I would have given all I own… which ain’t much. To save my son. And in the end, where did my money go? Pandora’s Box. Faith, hope, love, Lunalesca. Today, it sits on a box on the nightstand. And funny, I should mention boxes because, again, where does all the money go? Friday, it was between OnlyFans and going for the Pic Phenomenon. After I wasted those gift cards, I had money to burn. But no, I didn’t, ok. Is it because Virgil needs a box, not like that? I mean a crate. Virgil hasn’t seen a girl in a year. Since the Rebeccas…

Tomorrow’s Virgil’s “Gotcha Day” Lunalesca. How will we celebrate? Sadly, like E-Day, Emergence, Existence, Extinction. What is there to be celebrated on Sunday? First year? Lunalesca, I’m about to have thirty-nine. And what have I done with them, I ask. Lunalesca, it’s all about boxes in one way or another. There’s the fence. The bank account. And would V feel safer with a crate? Braxton was more like Pikachu, not wanting to get inside a Pokeball. You see what happens when I finally “forced” him into one. It killed him. More time, more love, and yet I sing about money. “Cash rules everything around me.” C.R.E.A.M., Which I haven’t done in two weeks. “Saved” fifty dollars. For the Love of Money. Virgil B Spending Money

923 Days Without B III, Day 364 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 039 ~Virgil, Braxton Aged Out~

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I’m getting too old for this shit. To be living off my Olds. The kids will be on my lawn as the fence falls. When was the last time I got laid? I can’t afford to be a sugar daddy. Fur kids and Depression. But how can that be? Virgil, Braxton Aged Out

Wednesday, August 9, 2023

Tale 039 ~Virgil, Braxton Aged Out~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. And other lies I don’t want to hear. Hell! The truth, too. Be positive, happy, thirty-eight.

Because thirty-nine is fast approaching. And what am I going to do with that? I can’t believe I’m thinking this, but does Ron DeSantis have a point about Shakespeare? I’m thinking Romeo + Juliet, to be honest. There’s Thirteen Reasons Why’s “Hannah Baker” and Robert Frobisher from Cloud Atlas. Three teens and a grown-ass man. What did they do? Love? Getting screwed over, literally. Must I be so vulgar? And the world’s coming down. The last few mornings, I have awoken with more tears than usual, Inspector. The thought? Can I say it already? Well, according to my critic, I can’t. EVER! I’m learning to hate reading and writing again. What I read makes me cry, and what I write makes other people. I suck!

And don’t I sound like some teenager? Braxton was fifteen, which is all grown up. Inspector that’s going by fur buddy standards. I doubt I have such resolve to stay. Inspector. Braxton fought tooth and nail to stay. Why can’t I do the same? Exhaustion… The fence is ready to give way any second. How old is it? I think I was thirty-two when Braxton and I moved here… No! I’m sorry. We were placed. Living with my Olds. Sad. While I’m speaking like an old white guy, Mr. Trump. Problems of the past are rushing into the future. To see black people fight against that tide. Montgomery Riverfront Brawl. Meanwhile, I’ve been at my Day Job for how long? If not my Dad. Braxton…

The Day Job would be another good reason not to get up again. Echo, it’s incredible that I can do that with this mattress. Yet where am I right now? Why don’t I leave today? Looking at the clock, it’s past eight, meaning Virgil needs to go outside. The fence? Inspector, I was about to say these glasses are old, but these are only from a year ago. The old ones? Yeah, the ones I had when I would look upon my son. What must I look like now to him? I’m older but no wiser. Because again, something from last year, uh, that’s V. His Gotcha Day is Sunday. So, Petsmart on Saturday? Maybe? The shame, like Braxton dying, remember? Virgil, Braxton Aged Out

920 Days Without B III, Day 361 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 038 ~Daddy’s Back, Braxton, Virgil~

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919 days, and I’m so tired. Excuse? I’m adulting. Or I could be nothing more than a Lazy Ass. I waste time on… Stuff and Thangs. But I’m still walking that path. The office where Braxton died to the front door. Daddy’s Back, Braxton, Virgil

Tuesday, August 8, 2023

Tale 038 ~Daddy’s Back, Braxton, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which should mean people are happy to see me. Braxton was/is always. Virgil? Don’t be scared.

But aren’t I always? Considering I’m time-traveling. Today is Sunday, July 30, 2023. So, a week and some change. I’m afraid I’ll return, and Virgil Vivi will be covered in whatever sickly mess he’s made. Or that he’s eaten it… Never Going Back Again. Gross! I imagine I’ll see that Braxton has returned to me. That’s when I’m not dreaming about some woman at the old Day Job. Or some “adult starlet” in the name of business. There is always my Braxton. You would figure I would hate going back to sleep. One more reason I love it so much. To be back with him or at least not in a world without him. Lying on my back, I can look to Heaven above (sigh).

And then there’s you, my love. When was the last time the two of us… Again, I’m looking towards the future, but at this moment. Yeah, I’m some holy roller. Sort of. Matrimony and all that, I only want to lay here with you. The world keeps passing me by. Only I can’t blame you for wanting to go out and enjoy it. Talk about something that scares me, love. That one day, I’ll see your back, and that will be it. Death, depression, and divorce borne out of this disease known as grief. Ok, you know how I feel about diseases and dying, hmm. “They were all in love with dyin’,” as the song goes —only me. I don’t want the kids following me.

I want them to live. The same as I wish for Braxton and Virgil, but how did that turn out? Virgil is alive, but he’s two. Braxton was on the cusp of sixteen. And our two-legged kids, my love? I remember my “big sister” telling me, you can’t do my kind of business near a school. Of course not. But it’s not me coming back from work. Work? Please! (Smiles). Didn’t I tell someone today I better not smile? And that had nothing to do with grief for B III. I’m surprised that didn’t have you running for the door or coming in —a miracle. Someday, I’ll come back from the vet’s Sunday, January 31, 2021. A machine, dead man, human? Daddy’s Back, Braxton, Virgil.

919 Days Without B III, Day 360 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 035 ~B Steps Down Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

If the fence falls, V will have a path to escape. I’ll be running from the neighbors and maybe the bank. I’ve got no cash. And even if I did, I’d be too scared to ask for help. If I don’t run from my father… I’ll see B again. B Steps Down Virgil

Saturday, August 5, 2023

Tale 035 ~B Steps Down Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. And even if that was enough. Why would I want to rip my boy from Heaven?

The Rainbow Bridge? Elysium? Even Hell beats this place right now. Lunalesca, this is all over a falling fence. Every day is another step closer to the fence falling over, failing, the finality of many years of service. And what steps am I taking after all this? You ask, Lady Lunalesca. All I know is that any step I take out of this bed will bring “The horror! The horror!” Sigh! I could go all TMI when it comes to the bathroom. I haven’t felt this bad since that food poisoning from Pizza Hut. Talk about a place I haven’t stepped foot in since. Now, there’s the window in Braxton’s Room overlooking the backyard. I can see the fence. And going downstairs? That’s the world.

And let’s talk about the world, Lady Luna. For the most part, Braxton was protected from it in the backyard. Virgil hasn’t even been here a whole year. And he has no such luxury anymore, like last summer when I could do nothing about the heat. Lunalesca, I could go running to my “father,” then what? I’d rather burn in Hell. And it’s not only him, Lunalesca. Ironically, I didn’t have the stones to talk to the people in Walmart about, well… Stones, bricks, cinder blocks, anything and everything to shore up the fence. I was right there! These feet took me there, but it was the mouth, a voice. Hell! The brain. STUPIDITY! That is my native tongue. Silence? A second language. I try…

The alarm has already rung. So I must leave this bed and do what, Lady Lu? Hmm? Do you know what thought lulled me to sleep last night? I climbed into bed, and I prayed, Lady Lunalesca. Not to God. I haven’t done that since Braxton left this world. But to him. I prayed to my son that I wouldn’t have to wake up. And that the next step I took would be to him, wherever he is, Lady Lunalesca. M Anime was talking about how one of her fur kids was the reincarnation of another. Now, that’s something I forgot. Why would I curse B III to this Lunalesca? Virgil and I take no steps to escape. I’m not Dante. B Steps Down Virgil

916 Days Without B III, Day 357 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will