Tag: Grief

Tale 231 ~Later V, Later B~

WillLeave a comment

I’ve said this so many times. The last thing my son would hear before I left out the door was, Love ya, B, Love ya, Braxton. Now replace later with love, and you have V’s days. But as far as loving myself? Nope! It’s always later. “Later V, Later B.”

Saturday, February 17, 2024

Tale 231 ~Later V, Later B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… And even if that happened… At this very moment, I would already be late. Braxton’s gone.

Well, I have one more year… Hell! You could give me “A Thousand Years.” It’s not the “1st of tha Month” yet. And you’ll always hear me singing about “Another Day…” I’m sorry about the playlist, Lady Lunalesca, and critic. I had a terrible nightmare during my “cutting off alarms” nap. I needed something to take my mind off things. So there’s that. And also I’m listening to Lofi Girl. Looking up more songs will make me even later. Sigh.

Not that I have anywhere to be today. This whole week, it’s been the Day Job. And keeping Virgil and me alive. If he and I have anything in common, it’s this one question. Why?

The both of us spend more time sleeping than anything. That was great for Braxton at fifteen, but Virgil will be four. And that’s if I make it to forty. If anything happens to me… In the best-case scenario, Virgil goes back to the friends he left when I “rescued” him. If only I had been later, Saturday, August 13, 2022. Virgil, AKA Archie, could have had better luck than meeting me. But no! I continued to search for Braxton’s reincarnated self. But, like God, I was wrong. Way wrong…

And I’ve been feeling wrong for quite a while now. 1112 days. But today, Lunalesca…

I knew I was late. Yesterday, on Thursday, February 16, 2023, was The Cherry Collision. Lunalesca, that explains why I was so hot, hard, and horny looking up Kininaru Kimochi. Better the hottest girls in the nastiest situations… Wraith Babes?

Then again, I wish I could have the woman I love telling me she’s late. But I have yet to find her, Lady Lunalesca. Again, at my age, why bother even going out? There’s Virgil.

Only I still want to see my B waking up late. He could keep the Grim Reaper waiting a little longer. Lady Lunalesca, 2025 was going to be the year. Would I be ready? Ha!

I’m not ready for today. On top of everything else, I still have to read one whole book today. But everything comes later. Or it’s me being a “Lazy Ass.”

As the late Carl Weathers, AKA Apollo Creed, said, “There Is No Tomorrow!” So… go outside? Later V, Later B

1112 Days Without B III, Day 553 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 228 ~Valentines B To V~

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Be my Valentine? Or, as I asked M Anime. Do you want to be my Valentine? With B, it was, get in the car. With some girls, it was, here’s $300. Let’s see some yabbos. For myself, “Don’t die.” “You have a kid.” But something’s missing Valentines B To V

Wednesday, February 14, 2024

Tale 228 ~Valentines B To V~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. Is there anything worse than not doing right by love? “You Always Hurt the One You Love.” Right?

Then Virgil is going to live forever. Am I REALLY going to start today like this? Inspector, what was yesterday? Braxton’s 19th birthday. One more day down. One more testament. It’s like me being thirty-nine. I figured that Braxton would make it to twenty. Five years, Inspector. Braxton was supposed to have a mom. He would have a big yard to patrol in his old age. And he would be a big brother. And where am I on that front? Well, Virgil is here. But “Is This Love?” I can ask that about plenty, Inspector; B III, M Anime, myself.

Love lies bleeding… Like the toxins in Braxton’s little body. And the chemicals that ended his suffering. The chocolates and CREAM for M Anime. Tears…

Echo, you tell me that yesterday was about crying over “Someone You Loved. But now?

I know I should be a better man than this. I asked M Anime to be my Valentine. And I wonder if I met her before I met my Little B III. Talk about the cart before the horse, ha.

Okay, Inspector, that’s an example of things I shouldn’t say on this Holy day. Valentines… I’m not moving Braxton’s ghost off the bed. And I’m not making love to a beautiful woman, either. I swear, Inspector, today’s another morning. I’m not a father or lover. Valentine? Even though I asked her Inspector, I’m trying to figure out what that means.

Only I think I’m getting that whole; love yourself first…

But then again, I’ve never loved myself. But I loved the hell out of my little boy. And how did that turn out for Braxton again? That’s what one gets when they love me, Inspector.

And the things that I’ve been thinking about M Anime? Why do you think I’m up so early on a workday talking to you, Inspector? I’m hot, horny, and I want to do something to make M Anime happy. Because as the song goes, “I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad.” Is that because “Somewhere Out There,” someone is thinking about me, Inspector Echo? Positively? Hmm.

Like A, W, X, Y, Z, something’s missing, Dear Inspector.

The love of my boys? A good woman? What about sex? Valentines B To V
1109 Days Without B III, Day 550 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 227 ~Tomorrow Will B V-Day~

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I’m 39, which I hate. But I would’ve loved it if my son saw 19. Happy Birthday, Braxton. But there are so many days that involve people, sigh. And tomorrow is all about love, which has come and gone for me. And what about 2V. “Tomorrow Will B V-Day.”

Tuesday, February 13, 2024

Tale 227 ~Tomorrow Will B V-Day~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… You have my forever. But, uh oh. Guess what day it is. Happy Birthday, Braxton!

I know you’re asking yourself how many days belong to my son—counting 1108 now. And how long have we been together? That’s a dangerous question for a married man to ask. There are a lot of those going on three years. And still, my heart grows, my love, daily.

That should be more than enough reason to get out of bed each morning. Because I love you, our children… I’m still working on me. And I can’t promise you I’ll get there, my love. I’ve hated myself longer than I had my son. Have I mentioned I hate thirty-nine?

And there’s so much left to do, love. I could do my John Mayer impression. “One thing I’ve left to do. Discover me, discovering you.”

But you have your day. Hell! You have a lot of them. You probably rival my little furry son’s love. Only, can you let today be his? Am I asking you? Hmm. Or am I trying to be some alpha male, better known as an asshole? But no. I’m only a grieving Dad, missing my little boy every single day.

I don’t even take today off. I spend two days crying. But on the day my son came to be. And here’s something to bake your noodle. Sunday, February 13, 2005, is the day I chose for him. I never got an answer on Braxton’s birthday, but it was sometime in April. That’s when I met my firstborn son. And every day after… our tomorrow, always, forever… Valentine? Braxton was/is a saint, amongst other things.

And, I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved. I know you still do. As I you, my love. Hell! Even the playlist I’m making, John Mayer, Lewis Capaldi, Muse, and I can go on. I told Braxton I would find him a mom someday. And now Virgil is here. And I didn’t know what day I would find him. Or the day I would see you, love. But I keep telling everyone I’m here. But that’s a lie because I’m seeking my little B III today. Always.

It’s like something from The Big Bang Theory, “Emily or Cinnamon,” ha-ha. Words of love for my firstborn, for you, and so many. Even Virgil and myself? Today, Let It Be. Tomorrow Will B V-Day

1108 Days Without B III, Day 549 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 224 ~Virgil, Braxton’s Getting Fired~

WillLeave a comment

“I See Fire.” But trying to keep that raging inferno away from B. I didn’t know how cold I had to be. By Sunday, B’s body was cold. On the 4th there was fire. Three years ago today, there were ashes. Being B’s Dad. Yet Virgil, Braxton’s Getting Fired

Saturday, February 10, 2024

Tale 224 ~Virgil, Braxton’s Getting Fired~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… But that doesn’t mean I can make a joke out of everything. Slavery, Insurrections, Braxton’s Cremation…

Only this is the second thing that came to mind. The first was possibly getting fired for whatever audiobook I decided to listen to yesterday, sigh. Lunalesca, what is today?

The calendar says Saturday, February 10, 2024, but here I am on Wednesday, February 10, 2021. I get a call. And they tell me that I can pick Braxton up. Well, what’s left of him. Eleven days prior, I had already received my “walking papers.” We regret to inform you that your services as a Dad are no longer required. We wish you the best in all future endeavors—no Lunalesca. There was only a bill… And their condolences and a few pamphlets on grieving. A lot of good those did, right Lunalesca? Beta Reader…

I am not. And I should probably be talking to Sophia about my reading selections. Yet, all of 2022 was about mourning my lost boy, and I couldn’t begin to tell you about a particular book. They all blended. And I still feel like this. Oh, but some person asks about HaremLit, and I can name dozens of titles with a review here or there.

Then, it was around seventy days in. When I was ready to fight with my boss. Because all I wanted to do was listen to B’s playlist and cry. That was nearly a job lost.

But being Braxton’s Dad. I swear, Lunalesca, I cannot deal with people. I’ll burn people before I set books to the torch. Speaking of which…

As I think of my boy burning… That was on the 4th. Now, I’m only the King of the Ashes. Anyway. I was nearly fired again because I tried getting with a girl at work. But that was while Braxton was still alive. Hell! How could I have fed us if that happened, Lady Lu?

I got fired as a client because I tried to hook up with the maid. Special K, I swear, Luna. Years ago, I was fired as a college student because I couldn’t stand such humiliation. Lunalesca, that’s a long story. Then I have friends, Braxton’s Aunt, M Anime, and Cherry.

And what about Virgil? Can somebody be fired for friendship? In life, you get burned. But Virgil, B’s Getting Fired.

1105 Days Without B III, Day 546 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 221 ~Path B For V~

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Where do I go? Hell! I need to focus on getting one foot out of bed, and then what? Even when B was dying and could barely see, he knew where he was going. That is until he was on his belly in the hospital, asking me to take him home. “Path B For V.”

Wednesday, February 7, 2024

Tale 221 ~Path B For V~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. Can you imagine what that feels like? To open your eyes and know you’re a sinner. Finding God…

If I ever did my Echo, I don’t know if I would laugh, cry, or get to swinging. Now, I could go into all the reasons to fight in this day and age, but here’s the sin besides waking up.

Gospel 221, Willing To Lie Braxton, three years ago Inspector.

One more day, where I admitted what had happened to Braxton. And with the critic being incapable of going backward. I had Braxton put to sleep because of Kidney Failure.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t remember him walking from his bed to his water bowl as he was dying. I brought his water to him. And Braxton’s bed was soaked all with the sickness that had overtaken my little son.

Which leads me to the paths I walk, Inspector. The first step is always out of my bed. Is it more of a sin to give in to my sloth? To know that every additional step is only to sin again. Or is it in knowing that “Every Little Step” I take signifies nothing? This Existence Inspector Echo is nothing. Again, I have three years to go off of. Writing about Braxton and me. Sigh

As I’m not Bobby Brown. Hell! How many girls have I gotten up for? Did I really just say that, Inspector? We’ll get there. But for fifteen years, when I woke up. “Hey Little B!”

Make Way For The King. And Braxton walked as my little prince. The world belonged to us, or it would.

That’s what his Daddy told him. And even when I was exhausted. Braxton would make sure to defend this castle, his home. I wish I could walk like that again. Is B watching me now?

What about with Saga 221 ~Y B V Gushes~? Hell! I didn’t want him to see his Dad like that. Though Braxton always had his toys. And then there was that talk about his Aunt. But that didn’t get him in as much trouble as other things. The things I would send him to his room for so I could… Anyway, his Daddy on his belly doesn’t compare to PetSmart.

The center aisle is still hard to tread. Braxton’s passing…

But getting out today? One step, Path B For V

1102 Days Without B III, Day 543 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 220 ~Braxton and Virgil Financial~

WillLeave a comment

Sons, sustenance, and sex… I also buy a lot of books, kindle, and audio because people suck. I need to buy speakers. My playlists are “Fire…” No! But I’m burning money like I did B three years ago on the 4th. Not cool! “Braxton and Virgil Financial.”

Tuesday, February 6, 2024

Tale 220 ~Braxton and Virgil Financial~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… And seeing as how we make more money than Jesus. And ain’t that pretty blasphemous?

We should go and see The Book of Clarence again. Or if we stay in, we could watch Brewster’s Millions. In God We Trust, right? And yes, I tend to spend money like it’s going out of style. And I haven’t talked to “God” since Braxton passed. Even mercy cost

Today, which would be… Friday, February 2, 2024. I was going over the books, darling. Yes, I talked to Sophia about my ever-growing Study. I have to finish “Exodus” for my weekly read. And no, not the Bible book, but the one written by Imogen Linn. And then there’s still Red Rising, which is good but long.. Or I’m lazy. Braxton? Let’s say mourning. And I bought Satan’s Sorority Girls 2 the audiobook. The money I’ve given Eric Vall… sigh.

Three years ago today… Gospel 220 ~ Will’s Sound Of Silence~. All I could hear was the sound of my sobbing. And there has been plenty of that today. But most of this afternoon has been the sound of me trying to empty our accounts. More books, more books! There has been the tick-tock of the clock as I waste so much time. And what about Virgil. He’s the one that reminded me where some of our cash should go. How To Be A Man

Not a father because he is not my son… That’s a cruel thing to say. Isn’t it? When in Rome.

I mean, I took him in. I’m not sending him back. But the expense, love…

I’ve defined love before. But what about the term priceless? That’s what Braxton was, is.

And this time last year, Saga 220 ~ Don’t Worry Your Life Away~. There’s always money.

But for Braxton, I would have spent everything and more. Even if I didn’t have it, I would have found a way. Whether rhyme or crime, right? But what about all I have right now? I want to believe that a man is more than money. I mean, with us, that’s always been the case. You’re no “Gold Digger.” Well, unless we’re talking Red Rising again. I “love” books. I don’t burn them. But I love Braxton. And on Thursday, February 4, 2021, I See Fire. Love and money burn. Braxton and Virgil Financial.

1101 Days Without B III, Day 542 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 217 ~B Third’s Place Virgil~

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Braxton, Money, Porno, Virgil, Sleep… I could be President, repeating five words. But comedy comes in threes. Or tragedy? B III, Virgil, and then me. And when it comes to existence, I’m usually not even in the race, but “JSS.” B Third’s Place Virgil.

Saturday, February 3, 2024

Tale 217 ~B Third’s Place Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… But that would still fall behind my Braxton. And my love of beautiful buxom… never mind.

At least I could enjoy all three from the comfort of the bed, Lady Lunalesca. So why aren’t I there right now? “Lonely as I am, together we cry,” as the song goes. This is the first tune for today. What will be the second and third? Braxton’s playlist? Honestly? I’m a bit too tired to think about it, Lu.

To never sleep again… That would be a fine punishment. Considering what I was doing around this time three years ago. And I know I keep saying that, Lady Lunalesca, but here I was Gospel 217 ~You’re Killing Me, Will.~ I was confessing to my crime. Or rather, three sins. Misanthropy, Murder, and Madness. Hell! Nowadays, I take first place when it comes to the people, that I… never mind.

What’s with all the censoring? My favorite critic has been awfully quiet. Other than recommending that I get professional help. But that takes money. And that’s one more reason I’m up so early. Not that I’m headed to the Day Job to make pennies. I have some shopping to do. And when was the last Saturday I was up and about my dear Lady Lu?

Virgil is sitting in my lap. And what would his place be in this existence? If you and the girls have been listening to me this week. Virgil would be the middle child right now—children, the three of us—Braxton, Virgil, and me. Only Virgil hasn’t learned to pretend.

What? To be a man.” Now Braxton was Lady Lunalesca.

Who was I talking to about “The Cress Theory,” I heard in “Baby Boy.” I’m not going to get all political today. Again, Lady Lunalesca, I’m exhausted. I was planning on getting six hours of sleep. But what did I do for at least an hour? And why was I up at 5:00 AM instead of 4:00 AM? Oh, I was up, and seriously, Lady Lunalesca. Say It! Never mind.

Though I might have to look up some of those beats used by “Love Wolf.” I swear I am a sick “man.” Which would be right on brand for me, considering my searches in 2023. Saga 217 “Nosey About Virgil, Braxton.” Listing out Japanese “animations.

Writing, shopping, preparing for the 4th. B Third’s Place Virgil.

1098 Days Without B III, Day 539 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 214 ~B Down, V Button~

WillLeave a comment

“Get down, B!” How many times did I say that in 15 years? If it’s any consolation, it wasn’t always directed at Braxton. Only the time it really mattered… The time to end his suffering. To live up to his name… Be Free, B III. Today, B Down, V Button.

Wednesday, January 31, 2024

Tale 214 ~B Down, V Button~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. I killed my son. Braxton Barks Bradford died three years ago on this day. Sunday, January 31, 2021.

Inspector Echo, that is the only sin that matters today. With these two hands, I ended his 15 years of life. Not existence, Echo. No! Zombies exist. I believe in ghosts, too. My B III? I’ll even give God a shot. Because Only God Knows Why, if I ever prayed for anything, it was my boy’s life. If there was a button to choose between Braxton’s life and mine. Dead! I would die for Braxton to live without question. Death doesn’t frighten me. The how…

How do I do this, Inspector? Any of it? Death is so much simpler. How simple is it? B III.

I pushed a button on a screen. I put pen to paper. Hell! Before all of that, I pushed Braxton.

And now I push tears out of these eyes. It’s my fourth time crying today. Tuesday, January 30, 2024. Because I only want to push a few buttons come the day my boy B died.

The push of a needle…

The Vet didn’t kill him. I carry that weight… all six pounds of what was left between myself and the Day Job. Now, ask me why. Because I didn’t want to push buttons to tell a story. I pushed the buttons on alarm clocks because I was too tired. Exhaustion. Inspector, I am lazy and left loveless. Because I killed my Braxton. What about Virgil?

There is no V button for this. How To Save A Life. How To Love A Life. Excuse me, Inspector.

To my firstborn son Braxton:
I still don’t know how to do it B III…

2021 Gospel 214 ~Will’s “Dæmon” Day Afternoon~ The Last Day
2022 Chronicle 214 ~Be Curious And Not Psychotic~
2023 Saga 214 ~To B, Loved Again~

This is the third year Little B. The last thing you need is another of my lists. Or what about me telling THEM that it was okay… I’ll never forget the look you gave me, my Braxton. “Daddy, can we go home, please?” And I knew then, and you knew too as I gathered your things. But I don’t know how to do this, son. I’ll never know. As I push the same buttons to spell out, I love you, Always. B Down, V Button

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

1095 Days Without B III, Day 536 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 213 ~To B Okay, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

The last time I felt okay… It depends on how you define the word okay. For most of these 39 years, it’s always been a response to an order. But then Braxton wished he’d be okay, so I would be too. I hope he is because I’m not. To B Okay, Virgil.

Tuesday, January 30, 2024

Tale 213 ~To B Okay, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… I want us to be okay, to be good. We gonna be “Alright.” Like Virgil?

Because without Braxton… I hear these words echo in my head… “Death is your gift.” It’s what I woke up to as I dragged my corpse out of bed. Then, I shut off the alarm and went back into the darkness. The longer I stay asleep, the longer I don’t bother the world. And since you are my world… It’s an effing excuse, for sure. But it’s also a favor.

Except when it comes to my Braxton. Yesterday or any day ending in Y. I was thinking about how best to honor him. Well, other than keeping my promise and failing to achieve it again.

I will “BE VALIANT” Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am. I want to be the person my dog thinks I am. I’M NOT!

So what comes next? If I had been BETTER before Gospel 213 ~Will “B” Seeing You~. It wouldn’t be necessary. I would be thinking about what to get him for his 19th birthday. Instead, all I could do was keep him with me three years ago. And then, well… love

TRADITION! As in me complaining about putting a man in the dirt. My granddad, to be precise. Saga 213 ~Hard Enough, Hearts Have Cages~. And I said I’d rather be working. It was working my Day Job and the rage I felt there that would kill my son B III.

My indifference with him to hide my fury. My indifference when it comes to you, hiding my grief. Good Luck.

No, I can’t hide my sadness. Not this week. Hell! I’ve cried three times, and it isn’t even 10:00 AM. And tomorrow, I’m going to be anything but okay. And going on three years now…

So, as much as I want to fix things and ask you to stay, it’s as confusing as my first love with my son. Sigh.

I asked him to stay. But I wanted him to go if it were better for him. And if it hadn’t made the decision… Is it any wonder I want the ones I love in collars, leashes, and chains? Pretty wifey and dogs? Not funny. I’m going to cry again.

But even with buying three black dog toys and movies? I’m pretty effing’ far from okay. To B Okay, Virgil

1094 Days Without B III, Day 535 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 210 ~B Free Before Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

The last freedoms I gave my son… Freedom from food deprivation as he starved himself. Freedom from his fool of a father. And the freedom from fighting one more day even as he looked at me begging to stay. No, his daddy’s a slave. B Free Before Virgil

Saturday, January 27, 2024

Tale 210 ~B Free Before Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… I said that three years ago. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Yet things have changed. Not war! “War, War Never Changes.” I had to quote, “Fallout?” Anyway, what would I know about war? “It’s no surprise to me; I am my own worst enemy,” as the song goes. But about the things that have changed from the time of B III.

Three years ago… 2021, Gospel 210 ~Will To Break Free~

The crime I feared I had committed was nothing compared to what I was doing at that moment. Braxton was dying and besides fear… There was anger, rage. My INDIFFERENCE!

Last year… um, 2023, Saga 210 ~Mediums B, V, Granddaddy~

Hell! I wasn’t any better as I had forgotten about Braxton in his hour of need. My exhaustion and, again, INDIFFERENCE made me forget Virgil.

To be free of my boys. To be free of myself. If I was going to “Do It!” You know what I mean, Lady Lunalesca. Let me sing, “Feeling super, super, super suicidal.” Though, to be honest. This morning, I didn’t even need the alarm. I downed an energy shot first thing as well. So there goes the alarm-canceling nap I indulge in. Ok. To have such freedom, ha-ha. Speaking of freedom, “mine” lasted from Monday, February 1, 2021, to Saturday, August 13, 2022. What a way to put Braxton’s passing and Virgil’s arrival. 1091 days and 532 days, respectively.

Freedom is something I hear about nonstop these days. And those who say it have no idea of its true meaning. Like I do, Lunalesca?

Was I free on Thursday, January 27, 2022 Lunalesca? Chronicle 210 ~Getting A Bye B~. I’ve avoided talking about that year for the most part because it was the first year without Braxton, or nearly. Freedom not to care. People are slaves to everything Lunalesca. Somehow, it’s liberating, an exercise in freedom, to choose who, what, or why we serve. Like I haven’t given you enough pop culture today… “A man chooses, a slave obeys.” Lunalesca, “In serving each other, we become free.” And that was my life with Braxton. As much as I felt Fear, Fury… um another F was nothing because of fatherhood. Lunalesca, Braxton came first. Without him, freedom’s a word. Fear, obsession, pain, sadness, I’m a slave. B Free Before Virgil.

1091 Days Without B III, Day 532 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will