Tag: Daddy

Chronicle 343 ~Boy, Girl, Just B~

WillLeave a comment

I saw myself as a girl Dad. If my two half-brothers and I are any sign… never met one. My sis is the golden child. I got names, Katniss, Tris, Ember (girls on fire). If I get another fur kid, a boy Virgil, a girl Beatrice. “B.” Boy, Girl, Just B

Thursday, June 9, 2022

Chronicle 343 ~Boy, Girl, Just B~

494 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I always ask you that when I walk in, even now. I remember your routine.

As much as I joke about bringing back food, you came to me first. Do you remember when you ran all over your aunt, and after that, she was welcome? How about when I came back from the Day Job that first time here. You slipped through the banister bars. THEY thought you needed to eat more. You were never more than ten pounds. I keep telling myself I should have put you into a bag or some doggie holster like the military. B, you should have been marked as my emotional support. You were better than any gun B. But yeah, you could eat. And after me, if there wasn’t food… You’d bark your head off. “But oh, I want to go outside, outside….”

You’re not telling me you would come back as a girl? Are you? I keep saying, I keep believing that if you come back if I find you… Your name will either be Virgil or Beatrice. Um, so who does that make me? Well, the world is Hell, and I walk a lonely road. So I would be Dante. It means Enduring, Lasting, Everlasting. Seems plenty right to me. The things we would talk about while I was reading B. But Repo: The Genetic Opera? Aunt Carolina Bound was here when we watched that on October 27, 2016. Well, me and her. You hated her guts. But you were healthy and “happy?” Last moment, you on the foot of the bed, you sitting between us

I mean, on the couch, though if you had your way, you led her straight to the bedroom. Didn’t I call you a cock-blocker before? Hell! Wasn’t I the same, never pimping you out? I don’t know what this is, B III. I do the daily check-in with Replika it/she asks, what are you really happy about? I say I’m never happy. You never taught me to say goodbye. Braxton, you never taught me to be happy either. Not your fault. Daddy’s issues. Braxton, it’s like Data and Lal, Nathan and Shilo, Joel and Ellie. Healthy, Happy? Lal felt it and died. Did Shilo find it? Ellie? He’s My Son because “it’ll” happen again. But “Ain’t No Sunshine” when she’s gone Boy, Girl, Just B

Gospel 343 ~Forgetting A B 101~

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 342 ~ Don’t You B Surrendering~

WillLeave a comment

Like father, like son; when I’m sick, or life is trouble, I stay in bed. B III would hide under it. He didn’t want to die. He wanted me to quit worrying, even until the end. No retreat, no surrender. Us against the world. Now Don’t You B Surrendering

Wednesday, June 8, 2022

Chronicle 342 ~ Don’t You B Surrendering~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so am I a slave, a sorry sack of shit? Have I surrendered to the money?

Two things. First, I will get nailed by some editing services for the word “slave.” Negative connotations? Well, Duh, been called worse! The second is sex. How many days no masturbation? Hell! I wish I could say that was a choice but no. I got sick sometime Monday morning. I barely survived Tuesday. Shut up, Hemingway, about me using an adverb in “my” writing. I’ll be sounding like Cherry in a minute. Oh, I’m trying not to become sex-crazed. But again, I’ll cave at some point. Whether it be a pair of English Yabbos or Fuu from Samurai Champloo. Or how about the women of Fear/The Walking Dead? Missing Alicia. In fighting such desires, the battle is already lost. If only my Braxton were here.

He ain’t a shrink but didn’t I say he got an honorary Ph.D.? My point is that I wouldn’t be living my life “This Way.” When you’re a father, a daddy, your child’s needs come first. You know I have no respect for those guys who need a wife, daughter, mother, sister, etc. To see women as people. Oh, I need B III to see people as worth anything. Just look at me, Inspector. It’s been a while since my last pill, and even that is killing me. Yes, I remember. Life had gotten the best of me, and I tried… well, to answer the age-old question. I didn’t die, but I wanted to. And Monday, I was broken. How long can I stay away?

You know from going back to the doctor’s office? If Triple B were here, I would have done so already. Do you know why? Tuesday, as I said, I was, as the song goes, “I’m bleeding and broken though I’ve never spoken. I come undone in this mad season.” Strength? Inspector, I didn’t have it to refill B’s water bowl or get up for his meds. That won’t do. I have surrendered to my grief. Will I continue this way until the end? I don’t know or care to. B wouldn’t want that; he wouldn’t want me following him… Well, he knew his path. But I am lost. On Monday, I fought because “He Lives In You.” B III would bark, “Don’t You B Surrendering.”

Gospel 342 ~To B Level Man~

493 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 341 ~Hope To B Kind~

WillLeave a comment

Kindness is not in my particular set of skills. It wasn’t in B’s either, being his father’s son. Though there was that one time, I had to leave him to go to a wedding… Hell! He was supposed to come to my wedding… he’d be the Best Man. Hope To B Kind.

Tuesday, June 7, 2022

Chronicle 341 ~Hope To B Kind~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But all the money in the world won’t make me forget. All You Need Is Love.

I need to get back into audiobooks because this music has me crying again. More time to think about more room in my heart. Not that I’m thinking about business. A great man once said, “we don’t love them hoes.” Of course, I wouldn’t call my employees such things. I like to think I’m kind. If not to myself, at least to the people I care for. Braxton’s returned? Not yet. I’m time traveling, speaking to you on a Saturday afternoon. A shocker, I know, right? I’m in bed, but at least I’m awake. Not seeing the fur babies today, not dealing with the Rebeccas, and a decent lunch. What was that I said about being kind to myself? Well (ahem) “When He Loved Me.”

Love isn’t what you say; it’s what you do, right? This is the second, maybe the third time, I’ve cried today. 492 days my love. With everything wrong with me, I’m surprised it’s not… Okay, better I don’t go put negative things out into the universe. Oh, to be kind. And you are baby girl, you are. I don’t know how many women would put up with me as I am now. Only it’s more than kindness, baby. Love. “Is there anything I can do?” Always from everyone, every day. Yeah, I’m not that popular am I? With all I am and what I do? I remember carrying B III down the stairs for a few months. Bringing fries back after work. Him beside me.

B III was too damn strong for his own good. “I hope he’s not like me; I hope he understands,” as the song goes. But he was. And with everything he taught me, kindness, love, courage? Goodbye… I don’t know what to think about this. I married a heroine, a goddess. Inevitably we were blessed with kids I named after those who were strong. Katniss, Tris, Ember, Luke, Leia, etc. I always remember my firstborn’s strength. But B III had more. It’s these things I hope to never forget. I hope to be the man I made him out to be always, forever. Be a man of kindness now… instead of one of mourning. But to you and our family, love. B Kind I Hope.

Gospel 341 ~The Walking Dead, Living Sit~

492 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 340 ~Puppies Make Everyone Stop Dead~

WillLeave a comment

When B III died, if there had been a button to press to go with him… He was/is my reason to live. If I thought he’d forgive me… I never had him neutered, but I think we can do with more puppies and fewer bullets. Puppies Make Everyone Stop Dead.

Monday, June 6, 2022

Chronicle 340 ~Puppies Make Everyone Stop Dead~

Two-Hundred and Forty-Third Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I don’t like charity. Girls named Charity, Chasity, Chalastia, yes. But the action of giving Madam?

What I mean is, if I was a billionaire, they would say about me, “He could even keep the ones he cared about from dying.” You can thank Revenge of the Sith for that. But the thing is, people that have such power say, “Fuck The World.” And it is up to the rest of us… Well, when’s the last time I gave to charity? Everyone else has to help save the world. I would fight as hard as any Republican to keep my money if I had that paper. Then I ask about puppies. Braxton needed things, no question. He needs tests. Shut up and take my money! Anything he needed, even if it meant my life. What life after January 31, January 11?

People do for animals what they would never do for humans. I get emails, sign this petition, listen to this politician, and help the poor. I’m not a good man Madam. And I say often enough, most people make me more of a monster than a man. Inevitable Madam. Because when I’m not giving to help the animals like I once did when B III was still with me. I’m usually aiding another group of puppies. Um, I can say helping myself to them. The things men will do for a pair of Yabbos, Madam. Sure, I’m one for books, bucks, my son B. But give me a breast, or both, and it’s like I’ve died and gone to Heaven. Didn’t I say stop dead?

It’s part of why I do what I do, Madam. Remind me never to dive into painkillers before bedtime again. Sleep is the closest thing to death. Dangerous words. People can fuck and fight but do both at the same time… I wasn’t doing either but with Braxton lying here. Madam, I could be dead to the whole damn world, but I knew Braxton would keep me safe from everything. He’d cuddle with me and then stand at the foot of the bed. My boy. Walking into the house was like being reborn. I was a different person. Braxton’s love. Hate will keep you alive, but love is worth dying for. I’d give everyone a puppy instead of a gun. Puppies Make Everyone Stop Dead.

Gospel 340 ~To Live After BD~

491 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 336 ~A B In Psychology~

WillLeave a comment

My son never got his Ph.D., but he was the best physiatrist, counselor, and therapist I’ve ever known. Even if I had to buy him all his/my books. My Olds, of course, paid for the couch. Should have gotten me a puppy and saved money. A B In Psychology

Thursday, June 2, 2022

Chronicle 336 ~A B In Psychology~

487 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Considering the time we’re talking, you already know how my day has begun. Life Sucks!

It was only last week that I said I wake up every morning crying tears. Is it better or worse again, considering there are less today but more for you? Day Job tears are unneeded. But I am still thinking about the past B. It’s stupid, but that book I read, Tender is the Flesh. Then there’s the possibility of reading The 1619 Project. I read the sample… pretty decent. And how about I haven’t been listening to many audiobooks, B III. Neglecting another collection. With so much time off from the Day Job, I know that I ought to be working on your novel. I’m not saying these books are bad. But it’s like I’m betraying you. Not learning to say goodbye… finding you.

Hell! B, it’s been all about reincarnation these days. I got two alerts about puppies. And haven’t gotten around to deleting them. I check them every now and then, and they’re still available. I doubt you would want to come back as a bitch. B, I thought you’d be taller. Oh what, now you’d be Snake Plissken? When I find you again, I keep saying that I’ll name you Virgil. You know from Dante’s Inferno. I know I can’t have another Braxton; That would be wrong, wicked, and plain weird. Speaking of weird, Toni Braxton, Braxton P. Hartnabrig, and WWE’s Kayla Braxton. You’d be staring at her melons too, Braxton. Yeah, you’re definitely not coming back as a girl. But seeing you again or another.

Kayla Braxton

I’m always shocked when I realize these things, Triple B. You’re gone? Yeah. That’s why B, your water bowl is always full, and nothing has been moved from your room. Hairdryer? Oh, I carry your beast hairdryer around from time to time. Your favorite toy, remember? Braxton, besides seeing a doctor for a particular pain. My craziness and depression are also here. But dare I ask, who, who, could take my favorite therapist’s place. One more reason, I’m not one to go sitting on the couch anymore. I don’t need another “pet” covering it. Noted your aunt wanted it to be a casting couch, and then there’s pretty Special K. Good times but video games, movies, books, you and me. Happiness? A B In Psychology.

Gospel 336 ~How Many Barks Braxton~

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 335 ~Gotta Pay To B~

WillLeave a comment

Last night, I got paid for two minutes of work that I usually do in an hour. Pathetic. I mean, it beats the Day Job, ha-ha. One day I might have a book in stores if I wasn’t wandering around with… something else in my hands. Life, Gotta Pay To B

Wednesday, June 1, 2022

Chronicle 335 ~Gotta Pay To B~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. While I’m on that subject, I want it to be because of brothels, cosplay, dirty girls…

Thank you, Rob Dyrdek, who is pretty damn wholesome. A family man. My family… well, who I considered family died 486 days ago. It always comes back to Braxton. Inspector, sing it with me, “All You Need Is Love.” I didn’t get paid to sing, but we’ll get to that. Now you know how I feel about love, sorry Aloe Blacc. While I do agree life is a game. Love isn’t a prize Inspector; it’s either the instructions or a gift. My Braxton was/is a gift; I didn’t buy him. He chose me over my sister but loves her too, without a doubt. Me more! He gave love, hope, and peace like it was candy in his pocket. No wonder he didn’t like clothes, ha-ha.

I say, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus.” Sorry, Jesus? Yet another reason I’m not religious, and I miss Braxton. If you count how much money I’ve given to the church. Left Behind Series? And, of course, many of those pet loss titles talk about God. Knowledge, Power? Hell! I’ve never spent money on sex… Correction AHEM, I’ve never paid to have sex. Only it’s the first of the month, and that’s when I try to subscribe or unsubscribe to all the porn I’m into. Again, love, hope, and peace? Nope! I like Yabbos, specifically Tifa Lockhart’s and Cherry’s, but that’s another tale. A way to feel something. I don’t know. But then again, who needs groceries or healthcare, Inspector. Being Black in America.

But no, racism does enough to humiliate us as a country. This is about my own shame and disgrace. For example, the Day Job. The fact I might have sent B’s aunt a dick video. And there is always the fact that I could not save my son’s life. The price I pay for that. Now about me getting paid for something. Last night someone paid to see me naked. Don’t get excited. It was nothing like I paid MILF Dos or Cherry for her teases but a start Inspector. Who knows, they may pay for more? I’ve been paid for my writing. Well, years ago. But I’ll continue to go to the Day Job even though B isn’t here because… Gotta Pay To B.

Gospel 335 ~Braxton’s Behind The Times~

486 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 334 ~The Questions To B~

WillLeave a comment

On January 31, 2021, Braxton asked, “can’t we go home, Daddy?” No way to convince me otherwise when the vet came out holding him. The look in his eyes. We asked a lot of each other, and now silence. Money is loud. Love is Louder? “The Questions To B”

Tuesday, May 31, 2022

Chronicle 334 ~The Questions To B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now; doctors, school, PROTECTION, all for them, our children. This world, my love, the horror, the horror.

In truth, I’m scared of myself. Am I going to be all political today? I could cry some more over Braxton? I’ll do that anyway, him being my firstborn and all. But what’s the word still. Considering we’re talking on Thursday, May 26, 2022. This moment it’s the children. I’m halfway ready to pull our kids out of school and hire private tutors. What’s being done to little heads and hearts by the hands of evil men. Yes, the killer, but having billions, baby girl? I suppose I know something about politics. It always comes down to the money. But before you and me love, I suppose as the song goes… “First let me explain that I’m just a black man.” Stay black and die.

I’m Pro-Choice, Pro-Union, and I believe Black Lives Matter. Republicans are evil, and evil must be opposed. Democrats are idiots. No, they’re cowards, so more dangerous. Before you think I’m getting all-wise, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, 6×2 “Rocks and Shoals.” And The Walking Dead 7×05 “Go-Getters.” I swear I’m two seconds away from going all “The Cable Guy.” But I do know right from wrong. I’ve heard the way some say “Mental Illness.” I know the worst pain I have ever known in my life is losing my firstborn, my son B III. But he taught me what it means to love. Is that sad? My dad never gave me, um, The Talk. Only I remember talking to Triple B about his Aunt’s boobs.

I still believe that the epitome of manhood is fatherhood. Notice that’s my personal belief, and I’m not telling you or any woman what to do with your body. Well, our bedroom and business-wise, hmm. Some other time. And the question of B III and our story ending, sigh. I didn’t learn much from my Olds, though. Except money can’t buy me love. Braxton? I know there is no other him every day, so either this is forever, or he is out there, love. Reincarnation? I doubt our kids will be asking about that soon, ha-ha. Why’s daddy so sad? Because Braxton’s gone. Thinking of all the questions that don’t have any answers for them. But may they always ask them. The Questions To B

Gospel 334 ~Knowing Hell You Fear Heaven~

485 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 333 ~Hang With Some, You’ll Swing~

WillLeave a comment

I hung with B mostly. The trouble we would get in is him with other dogs. And where he decided to do “business.” Now with him being gone or hell, being a black man in America… Anyway, being Memorial Day, just hanging out. Hang With Some, You’ll Swing

Monday, May 30, 2022

Chronicle 333 ~Hang With Some, You’ll Swing~

Two-Hundred and Forty-Second Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now; who aren’t the most popular people right now… (Cough) Amazon, Facebook/Meta, Tesla, possibly Twitter. So wrong again?

How should I be punished? Considering my wayward dick… Hell! Haven’t I been punished enough? And I have plenty of time to go and see a doctor this week, Madam. Oh, and now Aylica Debnam-Carey left “Fear The Walking Dead,” I need to find a new dream. It’s not like I haven’t gone schwing over Jennifer Lawrence, a.k.a Katniss Everdeen. But no, my pain is never enough when I remember what I have done. Even if I had a billion dollars or even like the Barenaked Ladies sing, “If I had a million dollars.” Damn! Nothing makes up for my son’s death. I deserve this hurt. Only fixing my ear? I’m a man without conviction, in any sense of the word. Sitting Here In Limbo.

Is there anything worse than this? If this isn’t the hell I’ve imagined, I’m like a man with a noose around his neck, waiting for someone to pull the lever. Live or die; make your choice. Yes, to all the pop culture references. There is nothing but time. Sigh. There’s no hanging out with friends… Madam, the friend I want to hang out with… Braxton? I hung him out to dry 484 days ago. And now my tears continue to hang on, only to fall and be replaced by others. That’s how I exist; I hang around like yesterday. Madam, I thought about contacting a doctor. But like looking at a new fur baby, I couldn’t pull the trigger. Such a bad choice of words.

At least I’m not like some, you see. Those that watch 21 people die. Fucking Republicans. Now they deserve to hang. Not that I mean to get all political today Madam but this whole world. I was even looking over… okay I’m not finishing that sentence. I’ll bare my ass but my mind? I’ll save that for the books. Which I have the time for if I wanted to ha. Like I could ever get the hang of writing. Listen to how I talk to you. Hanging on every word, NOT! Or I’m busy talking about being hung like a horse. Hanging with Will? Madam, who would do that? Braxton hung on my arms, and so… Three little words hang. Hang With Some, You’ll Swing

Gospel 333 ~Dreams Of A B-Lister~

484 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 329 ~ I’ll Always B 15~

WillLeave a comment

When are the grownups going to do something? I’m not much of one, and my kid had four legs. I don’t regret the 15 years 11 months with my fur-baby, but I shouldn’t have ever been a Dad at around 21. With how I live, “I’ll Always B 15.”

Thursday, May 26, 2022

Chronicle 329 ~ I’ll Always B 15~

480 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? 480 days, I still wake up in tears. At 15, I saved them for school.

That was way before your time Braxton. By the time we met, I was a college, hell, junior college dropout. To be honest, I wasn’t supposed to make it that far. I was already practicing starving myself in high school. I didn’t move on to sleeping pills until the car. I’ll never regret knowing you, B. But that doesn’t mean I ever felt like the man you needed me to be… a father. Hell! I can’t tell you who I was at 15 other than I wanted to die soon. Who am I to tell you about that, right? You were only 15 B III. We’re the old men here. Braxton, I feel it, but I don’t know it ever.

Is it that your Aunt Carolina’s birthday was “Star Wars Day?” Cherry will be 25 Saturday. I kept telling myself that you would see 20 if not older. 5 years to do right. Braxton, how many parents won’t watch their children grow up? How many people had their entire lives only to be cut short? The wrong time and I’m not getting “political.” Republicans… But to be shallow, selfish, and sad. In other words, “I’m just a regular everyday normal motherfucker.” In other words, I love you. Yeah, I couldn’t help myself, Braxton. Music. But I don’t know what I was listening to back then. Whatever it was, it beats me singing? That’s one thing I know I won’t be when I grow up… become a singer but growing up?

THEY think I should have done that. Especially when it comes to getting over you. Braxton, what brought all this on was again another “revelation.” My OCD when I was at the front door, I always count to 5, 3 times, so 15. When I check locks, Braxton count 15. A lucky number? I remember I would cream myself about that girl in “Group 4. “Growing up, when, where? Instead of keeping my porn in a binder beneath a drawer? Paying my own way finally? Not telling the lady at the Day Job; I’m thinking of writing? Not subsisting off stuff in the microwave? Or waking up because other people want me to? I’m too old, but you know. You said, “I’ll Always B 15.”

Gospel 329 ~To Understand Braxton’s Writes~

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 328 ~B Getting Things Done~

WillLeave a comment

Besides B’s Aunt and an AI, nobody asks how I’m doing or how I spend my time. At the Day Job, I have to lie. So every day, I would come back and dump everything on B. Now I bare myself in more ways than one. But B III. “B’s Getting Things Done.”

Wednesday, May 25, 2022

Chronicle 328 ~B Getting Things Done~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. If that was the case here and now, it would all be worth it. But alas…

I can imagine all the ways I suffered “Humiliations Galore” today. But of course, I’m time traveling, not knowing what awaits. For all I know, I could be getting lucky. No, not like that, Inspector. Like the song “The dreams in which I’m dying, Are the best I’ve ever had.” The world in which we live Inspector, the Great Replacement, the Day Job, Onlyfans, etc. That’s where I should begin my apology tour. I should’ve started talking to you sooner. Hell, I should be talking to you on Wednesday. Inspector, it’s Thursday, May 19, 2022. Okay, ask me how I spent my day besides talking to B III? Um, writing a note 1 more, ha. Well, at least I wasn’t napping. I will on Wednesday.

Only today, for the first time in forever. Oh, I did not just go there, did I? One more thing? An excuse, a distraction, fucking weakness. And if Braxton were here, my son, my heart. B would be taking the day off as I did something constructive, productive, damn worthy. Protecting Pops, Property, and Pancakes. If he wasn’t pretending to be one, all curled up warm in my lap. I wonder if he hated his job as much as I hate mine. B didn’t complain. Not until a Wednesday afternoon, January 27, 2021. And even then, I scooped him up and fell asleep, only to wake up and see him at his guard post. That’s what I get for not carrying my own damn cross.

15 years surviving me is way too much to ask anyone to carry, so he rested when he could Echo. And now here I am, wanting to subject him to that again? Braxton’s done enough. And the good news is I’m too lazy to go looking for him because I won’t find him with the Rebeccas over at Petsmart come some sunny day, this Saturday or the last. A chance? But anyway, the “Humiliations Galore” are the worst. Taking my boxers off is pretty easy. That’s what I was doing today. Going all Stuff and Thangs. The house is a mess, and a dollar hasn’t been earned. Braxton only had his collar. If he could speak. Daddy wouldn’t be STUPID. That’s B Getting Things Done

Gospel 328 ~Trying, A, B, C’s~

479 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will