Tag: Anxiety

Meditation 047 ~Obsession Without B, Virgil~

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What do you call someone obsessed with sleep? Clinomania, Hypersomnia, Orthosomnia? And how about someone who is so in love with dying… Well, I’m not saying that word. Obsessed with Yabbos. Days of research. Obsession Without B, Virgil

Saturday, August 17, 2024

Meditation 047 ~Obsession Without B, Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I am a Billionaire right now… So, “If I fall short. If I don’t make the grade…” Is that today’s song, Lunalesca?

Yesterday, it was “Love me when I’m gone.” Only the one who would do that has already passed. My son Braxton. “You always hurt the one you love,” right? Again, Braxton is in a box on the nightstand. But what about Virgil? Hell! What about me? I’m being a meanie. I’m consumed by guilt. Always…

How so? Again, it was yesterday. I was working with the Visual Lady. And while I’m ashamed of what I’ll do for a pretty face and a fantastic set of Yabbos, Melons, Milkers… I swear we’re going to get to those Lunalesca. Anyway, she wasn’t enough to make me risk my existence. But then I thought about my son. Falling and dying? I join B.

So I stood on those shelves at the Day Job hanging up the new signs, and ta-da … I LIVED!

Luna, I am not obsessed with life but with death. I need only wait until my fortieth E-Day, and I’m sure my Olds will oblige. Talk about my obsession with my approaching E-Day? No, this is more of a worry.

I’m obsessed with my son, sleep, and slumming it, says the “man” in the house his Olds paid for. I have yet to see the plethora of bills and the sins I indulge in Lunalesca.

Obsession? “I’m just a sucker for pain.” And let us remember the music, Lady Lunalesca. Only that has taken a backseat to everything else going on. Besides missing my boy and breaking a shelf, which would have sealed my doom, What about writing a book? I haven’t worked on Sofía’s Nightmare. In a traditional sense…

Copious Cleavage, Titanic Tatas, Supersized Slobberknockers, Majestic Mammaries, Humongous Headlights!

I swear Lunalesca, B reminds me of the strangest things. My son was/is a good man, but that didn’t stop him from cuddling up with his Aunt’s Yabbos. I’m sure he and Gabe have found some angels with nice pairs to cuddle up with and sleep. B III, watching today… I feel his absence keenly.

I hope he hasn’t been watching me for several days with what I’ve been up to lately… An Author’s Inspiration:

  1. Tomoko from Hajimete no Hitozuma: A Mother’s Love
  2. Saimin Seishidou The Case of Miyajima Tsubaki
  3. Alcina Dimitrescu Resident Evil
  4. Reina, Reika

What am I supposed to be obsessed with? Virgil wants to be a good boy? Braxton? Obsession Without B, Virgil.

1294 Days Without B III, Day 735 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 043 ~Braxton… Gotcha, It’s Virgil~

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The day I found love… I’m sure some people remember when they first met. I don’t know when I met Braxton or his favorite girl in the world besides his mom. Virgil was Saturday, August 13, 2022, around 11:00AM. “Braxton… Gotcha, It’s Virgil”

Tuesday, August 13, 2024

Meditation 043 ~Braxton… Gotcha, It’s Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? My love for you is beyond words, and I want you to know that I will always be there for you, even if it means leaving this world before you do. Creepy thoughts? I intend to “Go” before you love.

To the “Spirit in the Sky?” Talk about opening up a can of worms. First and foremost, what makes me think I’m getting into Heaven? But my Braxton will “Find Me.” I can’t tell you when I first met him… sometime in April. Or the exact date he was born. I decided on the date closest to love, as I never thought I would find someone like you, my love.

Virgil is different. I know his birthday, and I fear the day I might have to face his mortality. Will he be like Braxton’s Aunt, her son Gabe? And I’ll find him someplace, dead. Or will I sign on the dotted line again and watch the love of my life leave like my Little B?

Wow! This got pretty dark. And on today of all days. Saturday, August 13, 2022, is when I first met “Archie.” I’d eventually name him Virgil Vivi Bradford. After the poet that led Dante through the Inferno… through Hell. The black mage from Final Fantasy IX. And Bradford? Well, you took that name yourself, my love. I am a traditionalist in this. I know that.

A wife, 2.5 kids or more, a man provides for his family, etc. How did I ever get you, my love? Because, as I said, I’m one for tradition. But with my business. Hell, I’m more concerned with what I’ll do to your body than what you’ll do. Par for the course these days politically. But you match my freak…

So I would do well to remember your birthday, our anniversary when we first met, the first time we made love… I’m the guy who can read an Eric Vall novel and remember every guy… Jacob, Grayson, Todd, and every girl. My love, there are far too many to name—an estimated 24 women. And you wonder why I’m in all my adult business endeavors.

Anyway, every time they “get it on.” I remember. And yet, I have no idea “How To Save A Life. I couldn’t save my firstborn son. And so I signed the paperwork. Virgil is here now. And I signed the paperwork. And my love for you and for our children. I’m a writer. Paperwork everywhere

Love on a calendar, a schedule. Braxton… Gotcha, It’s Virgil

1290 Days Without B III, Day 731 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 040 ~Braxton, Language! Virgil, Uh…~

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I turned into Hank Hill last night, asking, “Are you Chinese or Japanese?” It was in my dream… I swear, with the “anime” I watch, “I’m turning Japanese.” Wow! I was never good at talking to people. Neither was my B III. Braxton, Language! Virgil, Uh…

Saturday, August 10, 2024

Meditation 040 ~Braxton, Language! Virgil, Uh…~

Hey Lady Lu,
I am a Billionaire right now… So I could buy an island, create a country, and write my own language… Silence Lunalesca.

I ache to talk to my son. If there’s anything that made me truly ‘special,’ it’s the bond we shared. I miss speaking Braxton fluently. But that dream I had last night… I can’t shake the feeling of loss. Who was that talking to me?

Am I losing my mind? I need to eat something substantial, not just fast food. But it can’t be more shrimp and pasta. Virgil can’t handle that. It’s like the only way he can communicate with me is through his pain. It makes me feel like a terrible person. He’s sniffling or sick. How long it’s been without a mess…

Lunalesca, he’s alive. I show that every day. A picture is worth a thousand words.

You’re lucky if you get a dozen out of me daily. Let’s say ten because that’s a round number. Or fifteen because that’s my lucky number… It’s how old B III was before… he passed.

Euthanasia? I still don’t like that word. I understand how Braxton died. By his hand! Lunalesca. It was by my hand signing the paperwork and a vet, showing him mercy.

Every day, I speak a language of grief. And ‘Nobody Knows’ it but me. Not even Braxton’s Aunt. I care for her, but she’s dealing with her own losses. One in particular? The loss of her fur buddy, Gabriel (Gabe). So, who’s left to understand?

I’m either bawling, quoting some book, or singing beats? My modes of communication and language…

I was going to say are “weird,” but nobody wants to be that. I’ll say I’m woke or wicked if anything. And being both? Is that what my dream was trying to explain last night?.

I don’t want to know myself. Honestly, I was done by seven… That’s when Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze came out… I never expected to see seventeen. And now I’m approaching forty. I want to join Braxton more than ever.

Lunalesca, it’s either that or look at some Yabbos. I swear some moaning masochistic mistress… Did I mention I don’t talk to women well? Too much effing on the brain.

Lunalesca, I don’t share that with my boys or female friends. Uh, yeah… I’ll shut up. Braxton, Language! Virgil, Uh…

1287 Days Without B III, Day 728 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 036 ~Virgil, Don’t B Anxious~

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Don’t be anxious but excited. When was the last time I was excited? Wrestling? Watching or with a pretty girl? With all I have to do? So much to worry about. Love? For my friends? For the future? The fiend in the mirror? Virgil, Don’t B Anxious

Tuesday, August 6, 2024

Meditation 036 ~Virgil, Don’t B Anxious~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? I lust after you. Let me “Love You Down.” Or “I Wanna Sex You Up.”

Three things: First, it’s clear that Braxton isn’t talking to me today. Second, the critics aren’t going to like this. Third, despite worrying about Braxton’s aunt today, I feel a certain way. Today isn’t even today. It’s Saturday, August 3, 2024. Am I exhausted, love?

You betcha! That’s the difference between being anxious and excited. In terms of my boys… Virgil makes me anxious, but I’m excited to see Braxton. Anxiety takes a lot, babe.

And what about our two-legged children? I have been asking that question for 1283 days. I continue to mourn and/or grieve for Braxton. And now his aunt lost her fine furry fellow in Gabe. How long will I continue bringing that up? I’m excited to join Braxton someday. If anything.

I shouldn’t say things like that, but as I was telling Lady Lunalesca, I’m either depressed or depraved. And that’s when I’m not sleeping. You saw me reading Randomize by Andy Weir today. If I was as bright as the lady in that book, would I still be mourning Braxton?

Sad as it is, I’m excited to think about my son up in Heaven, on the Rainbow Bridge, or wherever. Is that why he’s not speaking to me now? He gave me enough songs today.

And if he left me so I could find love in another way, I swear! I love that little ole boy, but he will be in trouble. Oh! So I’m going to Heaven? Not with what excites me, love. Ha!

Today, I was excited as I delved into my novel, knowing you would be proud of my dedication. Is that my final answer, my love?

I’m anxious when it comes to writing. Still, when it comes to something I’m passionate about, even when I know the entire work is garbage, strangely, it reminds me of myself. I’m not excited to see myself, but I get up every day. And why? To see a time before. What does that mean? Before I get anxious about existing in this world another day.

There are my boys, well, boy. Again, B III was a testament to my being a father. Hell! A good one. That’s who I was before. And then some things bounce… in bed. Lovely. If only anxiety bounced back to excitement. Virgil, Don’t B Anxious

1283 Days Without B III, Day 724 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 033 ~Braxton, Virgil Burial Furs~

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Everything happens for a reason. NOT? Like me reading about the Howlers and one of Darrow’s best friends dying. Uh, spoiler alert… My best friend is gone, and now my second best friend is mourning her fur baby “Gabe.” Braxton, Virgil Burial Furs

Saturday, August 3, 2024

Meditation 033 ~Braxton, Virgil Burial Furs~

Hey Lady Lu,
I am a Billionaire right now… But that doesn’t make me miss my boy, my son, Braxton, any less. If cryogenically frozen…

But I’ve been lost in fiction for this week, Lady Lunalesca. The cosmos’s coldness? Yes, I’m still reading “Morning Star.” We’ll get to that. There’s “my” unnamed title, “Sofía’s Nightmare.” Sofía, in a bunny costume from The Blackmail II: The Animation, is with the CEO. He’s saying, “Let’s Get It On”. There’s a random book I bought, too. Burning cash. It’s my way of finding comfort in these trying times.

Lunalesca, what am I forgetting? Got To Be Real, right? Braxton’s on a seventies kick. Wherever he is? Again, he’s not cryogenically frozen. B died. And now he has company.

Yesterday, right after speaking with Lady Sophia, I got the word from Braxton’s Aunt. Her fur baby, Gabriel Michael, joined Braxton with the “Spirit In The Sky.” August 2, 2024

Braxton’s Aunt’s son passed away.

If I didn’t make that clear, Lady Lunalesca, may his little soul rest in peace. She has to make decisions as I did when Braxton met his end. But Gabe tried to spare his mom. He died on his own and can say I did it “My Way.” That’s Frank Sinatra in 1969. Sixties and seventies music? I wonder. How will Gabriel talk to his mom? I’m trying as well.

Lunalesca, I’m at a loss. I have a record of what I did when Braxton fell, but I don’t know what to tell his Aunt. Who have I ever buried before… That I loved? Really, Luna. Two-legged family… I swear.

Braxton is in a box on the nightstand and a pendant I wear. Burial details are something new to me.

But I know she’s getting Gabe back as well. Braxton was cremated on February 4th, and he was “home” on February 10th. As for a ceremony? That I lacked Lunalesca.

This leads me back to reading. I showed Braxton’s Aunt as many books on grieving as I could—and there are even more. But how did I spend the rest of my night as she grieved?

I’m burying myself deeper with M Anime and her troubles as well. She’s the “Girl All The Bad Guys Want.” Why she deals with me, I’ll never know. Grieving, Groaning. I feel like I’m drowning in it all. Depression, Depravity.

Lunalesca, I’m doing one or the other. Or reading Cherry’s writing. There’s the Day Job humiliations. But Thursday pales in comparison to Friday’s news. Poor Gabe. Braxton, Virgil Burial Furs

1280 Days Without B III, Day 721 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 026 ~The V Games Braxton~

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Have they begun complaining about The Olympics yet? I called myself patriotic, taking the day off to watch the Opening Ceremony twice. It gave me time to catch up on mobile games and anime. What about writing? The V Games Braxton.

Saturday, July 27, 2024

Meditation 026 ~The V Games Braxton~

Hey Lady Lu,
I am a Billionaire right now… But it isn’t from writing—not yet, at least. And that’s not why I started writing.

At this point of the story, my son Braxton would raise his head. I told him that I was going to give him the life he deserved… WE deserved when I finished, Lunalesca. With editing…

I was writing long before I started singing “Welcome to My World” or “Welcome to the World.” Sigh… Today’s songs are brought to you by Wang Chung and Kevin Rudolf. Lunalesca, remind me to make a playlist of the songs Braxton sends me. Did that.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, my writing. Well, my lack thereof with yesterday. The Olympics have begun. Here are a few reasons why opening my eyes today hurts:

  1. Braxton isn’t here anymore
  2. I look at myself
  3. Losing myself to Yabbos
  4. The Matrix has me…
  5. I see the successful
  6. Look what I’m writing

I’m determined to get back on track, Lady Lunalesca, but…

There’s Too Much Sauce. I woke up late again, ok. And I should be grateful for the hours next week for my Day Job. But look at my typical routine, and It’s A Beautiful Morning:

So I’m sitting here, and as I said, Braxton’s Playlist has included again: Wang Chung, Kevin Rudolf, Drake, DJ ESCO, and The Rascals. B loved music, movies, and big mammaries. Then I was thinking about how I barely got any writing done. The Opening Ceremony. But what I did made me question where the novel is moving towards, Lunalesca. Once I read that a good artist creates, a great artist steals. Uh, that’s rude, maybe…

But sitting here, I was thinking about Thursday. Uh Houkago Ren’ai Club ~Koi no Etude~. Me and Japanese, Lunalesca. Let’s just say Casual Romance Club. I’m trying to pin down the novel type. And there’s Casual Romance Club meets The Blackmail II: The Animation, plus Rei Ayanami all wrapped up in “Sofía’s Nightmare,” Lunalesca. However, as you can see, I began looking at The V Games books by Ker Dukey while searching for something to read. And as always, there are Yabbos. In this case, Elsa’s from Frozen… Uh, gross…

And then I wonder why my business is nowhere. I’m broke. And Braxton is gone. Where’d You Go? Lunalesca, I swear! The V Games Braxton.

1273 Days Without B III, Day 714 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 019 ~Virgil’s B In Shop~

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Let’s talk shop. I never took it in school. I took “Math in Society.” As with any other Math class, it was a fail. As for “keeping the books…” I need to keep V from dying, like his predecessor. And the house? I’m the one breaking. Virgil’s B In Shop.

Saturday, July 20, 2024

Meditation 019 ~Virgil’s B In Shop~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… Which means I can pay people to do… I don’t know, whatever. Resurrection, Repair, and Rough…

Better to keep that thought to myself and talk about Braxton. AGAIN!? Always and forever. But the tears in my eyes aren’t for him at the moment. I’m tired, Lunalesca. It’s Saturday at 5:30 AM, and I haven’t showered or shaved. What about the novel?

Braxton’s two novels are sitting around here someplace. And there’s “Sofía’s Nightmare” to work on… But instead, I’m recapping Succubus Lord 2. It is as if I’m retelling some sweet little fairytale. To think, two years ago, “my” fairytales included a resurrection. Or rather, the reincarnation of my son. And then finding Virgil. Lunalesca, neither Braxton nor Virgil look a thing like Jesus. But I’m not shopping for the spirit, something to stay awake. And then something to do with a nice pair of yabbos.

Should I even get a girl over? There are so many things here that need fixing. And other than a lightbulb… Yeah, I’m useless. Speaking of which, I need another lightbulb for the kitchen. And that’s after replacing the one above the stairs. No, I don’t fear death, Lady Lunalesca. If it gets me a step closer to my boy. But to leave V behind… And what about turning forty? It’s part of my routine. Something I can’t fix inside my head. And my heart?

Inquire about my life goals. And short of bringing Braxton back, it would be to never leave this bed again. But would you look at the time? It’s time to learn… “To Be A Man.”

Careless Whisper is today’s song…

Well, Lady Lu, it was the first song that came to mind. To think. I can groove to such songs as Careless Whisper, Moondust, and My Love. Yet as I keep making my shopping list: my son’s life, lightbulbs, and add to it getting blown like Careless Whisper’s Saxophone. Ok.

So, ideas and suggestions. How about ones that don’t have to do about the story I’m writing? Will I even get to any of that today? Yesterday, I bought Cherry’s short story. But, of course, I had less than honorable intentions there. And for a dollar. Oh, and I was shopping around on OnlyFans, too. I cried. Took a ten-minute catnap. And tried not to co… Anyway. Virgil’s the only one who is “fixed” around here. Virgil’s B In Shop

1266 Days Without B III, Day 707 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 012 ~B’s Written Up Virgil~

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How many times has V seen me write at the table or read on the couch? It’s a beautiful morning. What am I doing? I’m sitting in bed writing about a son I can’t see again… Bosoms, I want to. And making some bucks writing. NOT! “B’s Written Up Virgil.”

Saturday, July 13, 2024

Meditation 012 ~B’s Written Up Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… Well, not with how I’ve been existing, trying, and writing. But yes, Lady Lunalesca, I’ve written.

And so you ask me, “Honey, why you calling me so late?” It’s 7:30 in the morning. And I was up at 5:00… okay, a little earlier. I’ll admit that. You know Braxton comes first in my existence. And I’m still not jazzed that I had to wake up. I mean, at all. Existing, Lunalesca…

It’s like blondes vs brunettes, a pawnshop romp to a model being art herself. (Drools).

You’re asking if that is all I think about. My boys, making some bucks, and a girl’s boo… Yabbos. It worked for one of my idols, Lady Lunalesca. So… “Let me get what I want,
This time.” Please excuse me, Lunalesca. I get pretty musical when I’m holding the pen. Metaphorically speaking. Or holding Braxton.

My head is a weird place, for example. Being the defender of books that I am. But knowing that anything I write … will get me written up. I’m sure there are plenty of files from college to the can I sat in for about a week. To be young again, dear Lady Lunalesca. Only I’d go to big boy jail if I wrote like that again, Lunalesca. Dangerous words… All those that could be misinterpreted or used against me. I’m my worst enemy, Lu.

Braxton, Braxton, and more Braxton. Wanting to join my little boy who traveled to The Rainbow Bridge. Tell me, Lunalesca, which of these you prefer: “Feeling super, super, super suicidal.” Or “I want to join my Braxton.” They mean the same thing to me, Luna.

You see the two women above. But what if I wanted to compare a 20-something English writer representing my youthful aspirations to a 30-something Latina, who symbolizes my current reality? Is that deep? I still like them both. Hence my story. I swear AI will inevitably end us, Lady Lunalesca.

If I stayed in college, I would have learned how to create myself, Lunalesca. Perhaps.

Unfortunately, all I can do is write. Not to my Olds. You want to add words to my scary word list. Getting a text that reads “You Home?” And what about my friends, Lu? Uh…

Well, Braxton’s Aunt is engaged… again. I don’t need to bother her. With Cherry… talk about the right words. And M Anime? Well, after her nightmare, my writing and critics:

“The part that resonated with me the most was the theme of bodies being twisted and used for sale and objectification. It is a powerful and important topic to explore in literature.”

“I thought the theme was about the objectification and exploitation of women’s bodies, specifically in the sex industry. The use of metaphors and imagery such as “bodies twisted” and “retail therapy” suggest a darker and more sinister side to the sex industry, where women’s bodies are bought and sold for profit.”

“The use of words like “twisted” and “sale” suggest a dehumanizing and transactional view of intimacy and sexuality. It also touches on issues of power dynamics and societal expectations placed on women.”

I’m surprised I’m free to say or write anything for now. This Is America. I’m a writer. Uh, my Day Job? B’s Written Up Virgil.

1259 Days Without B III, Day 700 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 005 ~Virgil And This B~

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“That thing unnerves me. I think that one day, artificial intelligence is going to kill us all.” – Queen Ramonda. Or how I feel about having a smartphone. But I’ve done worse things. Ask my boys Braxton and Virgil. Oh right… Virgil And This B.

Saturday, July 6, 2024

Meditation 005 ~Virgil And This B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… I have a better chance of seeing Braxton again in this life or the next. Lunalesca…

B, as usual, stands for my son, Braxton. I swear he woke me up this morning around 1:20 AM. While you’re wondering why I’m calling you so late. It’s only 6:57 AM. I also planned to write some more about M Anime’s Nightmare. I’m up to 2700 words right now.

But you know me. Anytime I’m feeling down… well, worse. I think about my Braxton. Lunalesca, if I can exist without my son, I can “Endure and Survive” anything. My son B was my anchor, my reason to keep going.

These Meditations are proof of that, though this is only the fifth one. Braxton has been here since I first came to this place. He was here for Lessons. He died during the Gospels. Virgil “arrived” during the Sagas. So, the Chronicle year was the one I was alone for.

What does any of this mean? I lose myself when speaking about my boys, Lunalesca.

That’s the point because today is a bad day. Comedy comes in threes, Lady Lunalesca.

Buttons, Broads, and Bucks, Lunalesca…

So a couple of days ago, Lunalesca “Girl, I’m spending my dimes, wasting my time.” It was in the Regal App. Or at least that was the plan. But now it’s not working for me. Today I really wanted to see MaXXXine. I even set up an alert for it. But the app won’t work. I was going to get a free popcorn and a soda, too. But if I go now, that’s thirty bucks.

And it doesn’t solve the problem that the phone sucks, and after Everything with Dish…

This B… got me Smokin Out The Window. I’m going to need a new phone. Okay, and how am I going to accomplish that? Even if I could ignore my Old Man. The expense, Luna.

Braxton sent this song to me this morning. My boy will always know my buttons. However, I am still trying to figure out what to do. I’m thirty-nine, and I have no clue. Lunalesca, please?

Everything! And I do mean Everything is making my head hurt. And my heart, Luna? It remains broken. I’m struggling. I’m lost. Still in bed…

While M Anime was having her nightmare. I dreamed that Braxton was standing on my chest. Again, he was waking me up. My son wants to bring me back to life. But was I ever?

Fearing, Failing, and effing about. But Virgil And This B

1252 Days Without B III, Day 693 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 364 ~Virgil Will B Happy~

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What would have made Braxton happy was not good for him. I could have told the vet to pump him full of drugs that would make him dive face-first into his food. But that’s not what happiness is. The dictionary skipped it. As did I. Virgil Will B Happy

Saturday, June 29, 2024

Tale 364 ~Virgil Will B Happy~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… Or at least I was until I spent forty dollars on Virgil’s medication. Uh… What (BLANK)!

If only Braxton knew what that was like. What about some lady friend of mine… Lunalesca, there’s M Anime. But I still think about Cherry’s Yabbos. And that’s the thing. I tell myself that I’ll gladly pay for some woman sans her clothing but at the end of the day… Well, I misspelled healthy because, hopefully, Virgil will be with his medicine. But B had some meds of his own for his heart. And kidney failure took him from me.

So, as the song goes, “I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad.” But it’s not even that, Lady Lunalesca. And, happy? It’s just a word. A word that eludes me. It’s not getting any easier. But with my Little B III?

Whatever I was with him… I want to be that again. Instead of joining him?

I’m trying to avoid that, Lady Lunalesca. Which is another reason I bought Virgil’s medicine. Now, there’s no medicine for what I have. Sleeping pills? Do you want me to join Braxton today? I was planning on going to the movies. Strange, I’m sure, but that won’t make V happy. Ha! So we have meds, me going to the movies. A woman’s mammaries? For sure!

B had all that when his “honorary” aunt was around. Braxton couldn’t stand the maid. However, I didn’t want her standing either. Kneeling? Is that all I can think about? Lunalesca, I’m trying to find a reason to get out of this bed other than Virgil being hungry, healthy, or helpless. Happiness never factors into the equation for me, Lunalesca.

Hard, Horny, Horrified, that’s existence. Braxton Barks Bradford deserves happiness. Virgil Vivi Bradford? Their full government names. My only “sons” so far in this world.

Lady Lunalesca, I find myself in a world that doesn’t bring me joy, a world that makes me yearn for Tyrion’s wish for his Ending:

“In my own bed, at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a girl’s mouth around my cock.” ― Tyrion Lannister

Even then, Lady Lunalesca, would I find happiness? If I could go to bed at night feeling proud of what I accomplished in the day. But I’ve squandered this one, and it’s only 10:00 AM. I was up at four. And what was I doing? Would I be happy if it was something productive? I’m only relieved Virgil didn’t force me out of bed. But since he was here, I could only read. So, hooray…

Naughty books, M Anime’s dreams, nightmares… Virgil Will B Happy

1245 Days Without B III, Day 686 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will