Tag: Lonely

Saga 349 ~To B Forever Virgil~

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Forever… Well, 865 days and counting. I should feel grateful for days like this, though. The worse I feel, maybe, just maybe, I’m closer to my son. V ain’t B, I keep saying. But to be a Dad again, I got to dig down deep. But V? “To B Forever Virgil.”

Thursday, June 15, 2023

Saga 349 ~To B Forever Virgil~

865 Days Without B III, Day 306 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? The fact that I’m talking to you today, you know. “Who Wants to Live Forever?”

I swear. I need to make a playlist of all the songs you send. I think. Whatever. But today B… After a nap, that was way too long. This is what I was thinking about. And you know how I’ve felt these days. Either it’s my stomach. I’m taking too many pills. And my ear. It’s easier to hear you than Virgil; I’m afraid to say. It’s effed up he had a better chance when I thought he was you. Your dad is not a good human. I’m sorry, Braxton. I’m still trying. You would sit here on many Sundays when I’d make a list of things. I should check. Gospel 214 ~ Will’s “Dæmon” Day Afternoon~. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves.

Failed! Talk about something that will last forever. Or from 2017 to 2023. So six years Lesson 001 ~Look Who Grossed Up~ on Sunday, July 02, 2017. Existence wasted, Braxton. Mine, not yours. Because every single day… well, there was the time I figured you’d end up in my sister’s purse. Your first two-legged mother. Hell! The last time I talked to her, I brought up Virgil. I was talking to one of my nephews anyway. He wasn’t fond of Virgil. But what about me again? I am trying, Braxton. I’m alive; you still exist. But is it in grief or greatness? Maybe once I’ve completed time-traveling. Scheduling next week… On top of forever missing you, I’m always tired as well. Again we’re talking today.

At the moment, it’s Tuesday, June 13, 2023. And what has dear ole dad been doing for so many hours? Bucks, boobs, and bed. I wish I had your knack for comfy spots, Little B. Hakuna Matata, wherever you were. I swear I only saw you worry about forever and me. And here come the waterworks. You giving me your monster hairdryer toy. Sometimes I was sick, and you wondered if I would ever be well. And how would you be the one to take care of us? Virgil must believe I’ve been sick forever. 306 days! Braxton, your last day. You knew you were leaving; I was staying. We won’t be apart forever… But me ever seeing The Rainbow Bridge? To B Forever Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 347 ~Baby, Me, B, V~

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“Baby, baby, baby, oh. Like, “Baby, baby, baby, no.” I don’t think I could be so “articulate” when Braxton was in my lap dying. And why am I complaining? A tummy ache, ear wax, and a few too many pills. Me and the boys… such babies. “Baby, Me, B, V.”

Tuesday, June 13, 2023

Saga 347 ~Baby, Me, B, V~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and besides writing books. There are my “businesses.” And possibly bending… breaking… a few laws sometimes.

Not that I have been thinking much about that these days. Now sure. I’ve been crying about Braxton a little more than usual. 863 days and counting… I’m not ashamed. Billionaires are big babies for the most part. Only it’s not my sinning, my love. It’s sickness. And we’re a week in or out… I don’t know. Every day I feel a bit better. Hmm… Like one of my “stars,” I ask. How do you want me? And everything within me says that I have to be a man: a boss, a father, a husband. I wear so many hats or heavy the head that wears the crown, whatever. My love, I’m getting the whole “Lap Pillow” trope. Again it’s my firstborn, as always. Braxton.

B would lie in my lap often enough. I was on his approved list of comfy spots. And that’s when I would call him “Baby B.” Besides, when I’d walk in the house. “Just me, Baby B.” Or I would call him “You Big Baby.” No wonder he liked lying there as I petted him. Yeah, I’m getting lost in nostalgia a bit. A time when I felt well. Because yet again, this past week… I’d be lying if I said I haven’t cried out of pain. Hurting, sickness, everything. And rather than a pillow… What kind of man am I that wants to be babied? I want to crawl into your lap for a while. Weak, weird? “Unconditional love for women, children, and dogs.”

“To Be A Man,” oh “My Love.” “My love, leave yourself behind. Beat inside me, leave you blind,” Would you sing to me? Hell! Can I hear you at all, Baby girl? Today I know I ain’t going to sleep for a bit. I’ve had my first energy shot in days (sigh). Not that I’m going to be any more of a man right now. From my stomach to my ear, and now the rest of my damn head. And did I forget all of the pills that I’ve been taking? Hmm? All I want to hear is, “Poor, sweet baby. Poor, poor, sweet, sweet baby.” Or to see my Baby B. Or feel like your man, baby. But I’m all… Baby, Me, B, V

863 Days Without B III, Day 304 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 344 ~Virgil Learns B Rules~

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There are rules I’ve forgotten. I would go to Petsmart every Saturday looking for Braxton, and I got Virgil now… Somebody should tell Pizza Hut it’s a general rule not to poison people. And doesn’t the law apply to the GOP? Virgil Learns B Rules

Saturday, June 10, 2023

Saga 344 ~Virgil Learns B Rules~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but how. I ain’t that smart. I don’t want to be a GOP grifter. I would…

But the point is this. I don’t want to. And at least I own up to it. Evil, wicked, depraved. No? If anything, I’m only a man who stood in the kitchen yesterday thinking of rules, Lady Lunalesca. Why don’t I think about the yearlong list I made that I don’t follow? I could blame being “Down With The Sickness” for three days. Am I ok now, Lady Lu, hmm? Don’t count your chickens… And I could go for some waffles right now. But budgeting? We’ll get to that. Here’s something on rules, though. The rules I bend… break… effing throw under the bus. These are rules I don’t intend to hurt anybody with. Pain, Lunalesca. With my knowledge, I don’t want to do that.

Ironic that I’m a sadist. Hardcore hurt and humiliation always get me hot and horny. Lunalesca, do whatever you want but don’t hurt anyone. Unless it’s safe, sane, and consensual. Do you remember when I was all into BDSM? I still am but this sickness. Lunalesca, I think, in a way, it’s a gift from Braxton. That’s not in the rules when you lose a fur baby. But when were Braxton and I ever for rules? And three days? Stomach pain? Lunalesca, I know I have been pretty effed over the rules I’ve broken. However, I haven’t worried at all in the past few days. I’ve been busy with my head in a toilet and holding “my” stomach. Didn’t I say Virgil hasn’t been helping?

Again that’s pretty mean of me. Hell! I put him at the foot of the bed instead of my side. Yet I can be worse. That is if I were a card-carrying member of the GOP. Be a racist, homophobic Nazi all you like. Only don’t be in charge. Yeah, right, Lady Lunalesca, ha. You know my views on charity. I think it’s dumb that I’m asked to give when you have people with billions. That could alleviate every problem I should contribute towards. Lunalesca, I should not base my giving as though I’m living a Street Blowjobs episode. And I should respect my budget. And what Braxton and Virgil need. Plus, I’m healing… So, I’m hungry. There’s Virgil to raise. Virgil Learns B Rules

860 Days Without B III, Day 301 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 343 ~B Steps Closer Virgil~

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Every day I’m closer to B, but as the song goes, “I’m dying slow, but the devil tryna rush me. See, I’m a fool for pain…” If B were here, we’d both be sick. He’d still be trying to care for me. Didn’t share with V. He’s lucky? “B Steps Closer Virgil”

Friday, June 9, 2023

Saga 343 ~B Steps Closer Virgil~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now. What can I tell you about pain? Besides bringing Braxton back and wasting time with porn…

PAIN! As I lay here last night in “my” pain, Lady Sophia. Should I even say that? I mean, I know where the pain is from. FUCK YOU, PIZZA HUT! Anyway, it’s my fault, Sophia. Or should I blame whichever book it was from the Succubus Lord series? Eight maybe. Lady Sophia, it was Eric Vall’s description of Buffalo Chicken Pizza. I was escaping my Comfort Zone. And now? Um, well, now, I’ve been in bed for three days, and it wasn’t my choice. I have people all up in my business because I’m sick. I’m tired as all Hell because I don’t want to be awake. So, I’m not downing energy shots. And I see Virgil isn’t helping anything. That’s not fair, but none of this is fair. Only…

Again I was lying here wanting to die from all the abdominal pain, and I started to think about Braxton. I’ve told you that story before, haven’t I? When I think of pain, there’s B. His death is the greatest pain I have ever known. Singing “Nothing Compares 2 U.” Braxton was going blind, but I hope his ears were okay or maybe not… whatever. Becoming even more of a selfish bastard seems to be a goal of my existence. I’m still looking for that billion bucks from somewhere. Philip Pullman is worth millions. Right? Now he knew something about pain with Lyra and Will’s love. How about their Dæmons? I should have read that series again instead of Vampire Academy… Rose and Lissa, naked…

Lady Sophia, I wouldn’t need to take a single step if I wanted to die. My steps were done when I carried Braxton to his death. Virgil to his life? That Buffalo Chicken pizza. Fuck! If anything, I can just lay here and just forget the world like last night. V was in B’s room. I can fucking masturbate to all these titties until I dehydrate. Apologies for the F-bombs. It’s like I told such and such, there is a time and a place… there’s pain, and uh, penis. Um? I should shut up. It hurts too much even to be up and about. Oh! I’m sitting in bed still. Virgil needs outside time. One foot in front of the other. B Steps Closer Virgil

859 Days Without B III, Day 300 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 342 ~B’s A Grade, Virgil~

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Grades? Um, I cheated on a French test. And getting out of High School? A class called “Math In Society.” But in love? How about becoming a father again, a daddy. F because B is still my favorite. D? Am I V’s dad, hmm? Thinking. “B’s A Grade, Virgil”

Thursday, June 8, 2023

Saga 342 ~B’s A Grade, Virgil~

858 Days Without B III, Day 299 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? If I had done better at school… Well, I would have a better Day Job.

So what would I like to do with my existence? How about what I would like to do with my life? Hell! As always, at this particular moment, and yes, I’m time traveling Little B. Like the song goes, “I’d Rather Be With You.” That takes me back, Braxton. Oldies? Honestly, Braxton, I’m not that old. I’m 38, while you were 76, aka 15 in human years. You were approaching 80 when I failed you. Failure? That’s one more F. If you knew me, B. Well, you did, but I mean when I was in high school. I was somewhere in my 20s when we met B. By that time, it was no secret… I feel stupid. No! I am Stupid! Um, my GPA is…

Do you want a confession? Now I’m not sure, but “1.4?” Do I want to Google that, as I have plenty today? It was Twitter that brought this on, though. “Hey Jealousy!” It’s not that, B. I appreciate black excellence. One of the few things I can be proud of liking. I’m too concerned with listening to the other head and my second account. Aftermath. How STUPID I became when you left. When I killed you… I’m not some Republican. Braxton, I don’t hide from history. Oh yeah? Have I made your album today? Tomorrow? The future B III. If only I had known you sooner, I could call myself a Survivor. How about I call you that? I didn’t need to be a doctor.

Although there’s been plenty of breast enhancement… I swear, like I was telling M Anime today. That would be Monday, June 5, 2023, for me right now. Anyway. As I was saying, I told her that sex makes men… What’s my word? STUPID! B you were/are my son, you know. I kept you out of school as your second mom pursued her higher education (sigh). But we both knew that B is for you, B III, boobies, and the bucks I could have to save you. Now there are only the books I read. Ain’t making me smarter. There’s Bitcoin for, um… Anyway, there’s the boy Virgil. To be a father again. I’d give myself a C. That’s being pretty generous. B’s A Grade, Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 340 ~I’ll B Standing Virgil~

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“Stand By Your Man,” “I’m Still Standing.” Knowing “after you’ve done all you can. You just stand.” My playlist as I ask, “Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” As I lie here thinking of my son and my troubles. I’ll B Standing Virgil

Tuesday, June 6, 2023

Saga 340 ~I’ll B Standing Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But if dollars could have saved Braxton… Or with all my sins? And with everything wrong.

That I love my firstborn son as much as you, our two-legged kids, Virgil? I’m iffy about myself. And I always will be. But at least I can stand facing the man in the mirror. Inevitable with me being a husband, father… Hell! Being a man. For you? Always trying. But again, 856 days in. It’s like whenever I have to talk to my Old Man, “It’s Time for War.” I wish I could look to Braxton and again ask, “Do you love me, brother? Will you protect me from any enemy?” Okay, or sit on the couch with him and watch Troy. To stand? That’s not something I’ve wanted to do for a while. But “a man provides” always. Though today’s another day and…

Well, I don’t want to get up, my love. Oh, getting it up is no question. Hell! Have you seen yourself in the mirror today? I look at everything that makes us money. My business. What leads me into trouble? What might have me on the stand someday in a court of law, my love? Um, besides the fact that I’m a black man. A reason to get out of this bed. Instead of binging on Youtube again. But if I am going to be here, we could be doing something more interesting. Oh yeah! Enjoying my existence, my life. Because if something were to happen to me. I always worried that it would be a criminal act that would take me away from Braxton.

Wasn’t it, though? I killed him. I know you can’t stand me saying that. He can’t, either. I know it. Is it any better to say (sigh)? I believe he can talk to me now. Speaking of a time for war. This morning I heard him sing “It’s My Turn To Fly.” Singing to Braxton. Can you stand my voice at all? Like how I stand Virgil being so close to me. I pushed him to the foot of the bed this morning. I would have done the same to Braxton if I had found you before he passed. I’m sure. Can you stand all my grieving? If you couldn’t, love… But you stand, sit, uh ooh sex me up. Someday. I’ll B Standing Virgil.

856 Days Without B III, Day 297 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 337 ~What’s Past B, Virgil~

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“What we’ve done, we’ve done.” “We evade it by moving forward with a code to never do it again.” TWD. I said I’d never be afraid again. I went to the Day Job. I’d never be a Dad again. 2V’s on the stairs. Boobs. Uh, am I awake? What’s Past B, Virgil?

Saturday, June 3, 2023

Saga 337 ~What’s Past B, Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Should I give up being a trillionaire? As much as I should, seeing Braxton alive again.

I can’t! Not in this existence, at least. Or, as Tupac put it, “Bury me in pieces cause they fear reincarnation.” That’s what I need today (sigh). To see Braxton’s ashes. Uh, that’s a no. I’ve said before, Lady Lunalesca. Anytime I’m afraid, awkward, or just being asinine. I need only think of my “Lost Boy,” and everything pales compared to my worst crime. It’s like when I’m meditating, and they say, focus on your breath. Lunalesca, that’s B III. Braxton wasn’t here a few minutes ago… Please! Of course, he was. Lunalesca, I know. Hell! I could hear him grumbling as I rushed around like a chicken with its head cut off ha-ha. Fear is something I can never leave in the past, Lunalesca.

And you know I’m trying, but then as the song goes, “I take a look at my enormous penis and…” Hell! I might as well bust out Sade’s “Is It a Crime?” Lunalesca? Yeah. Yesterday it was the Day Job because, of course, it is. It’s like being a little boy or back in high school and busting my balls. Pretty much The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident and The Cherry Collision. That’s my STUPIDITY —confessions for Inspector Echo, Lunalesca. FEAR makes me STUPID. Strong, Speedy, Sexual… wait? We’re not talking about my first time, are we? Sick, Savage, but Salvation bound… screaming, oh my God. Okay, I’ll stop. That’s in the past. And instead of the first or last time, I had some “relations….” Yesterday?

There was my fear. And you know how I get over that. Effing! Or at least dreaming, imagining, envisioning, so I can’t forget about The Pic Phenomenon. That’s the past? Lunalesca, try this morning. How I miss my puppy. And what about Virgil, Lady Lu?

Anyway, there are all the pictures… porno. Because I can’t make a gallery for Braxton. And I only want to show that Virgil is alive daily. Lunalesca, Pornography? Something I can’t leave in the past… My feet are still planted in the veterinarian’s office. Lunalesca, my existence should be in the past, along with Braxton’s. But here I am. I’m panicking over a smartphone, spending money, and seeing plenty of Yabbos. It’s Saturday morning. The Past? What’s Past B, Virgil?

853 Days Without B III, Day 294 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 336 ~B Leaving Ghosts Virgil~

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What I “pray” for more than B’s return is a zombie apocalypse. They don’t scare me. Neither do ghosts or succubi. Dude wrote 19 books, and I can’t do one. Even when B was talking to me. Is he talking to V when I leave? B Leaving Ghosts Virgil

Friday, June 2, 2023

Saga 336 ~B Leaving Ghosts Virgil~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now. So I’ll hire an army of psychiatrists, pet psychics, and paranormal experts. Tell them my stories…

It’s “Times Like These,” when I find it pretty damn impossible to commit any crimes… And when I’m sitting here at the dining room table. While Virgil lies upstairs crying, Sophia. It’s when the only thing I want to do is lie in bed. And before B guards, he cuddles. Is that why I was scooting further and further away this morning? What do the holy rollers say? Save room for the Holy Spirit? I wanted room for my Braxton. Is that why I destroyed his pillow by accident? He didn’t want V to have it… But everything else, hmm? I should stop reading all these ghost stories, supernatural shenanigans. And stuff on spirits. Speaking of which, I should buy some while I’m out today.

Excuse me for making a shopping list. I continue to time travel. And today is still Memorial Day, Monday, May 29, 2023. People mourn soldiers. Oh, and if they could only see what has become of this country. I don’t intend to write something on the state of politics. I’m a black writer, but what have I been reading, Sophia? My usual fanfare, right? You know. Satan’s Sorority Girls, The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes… wtf happened to Lucy Gray Baird? And yet again, I’m listening to Succubus Lord 9. A deal with Hell? Been there. AHEM! Where’s that shopping list again? Um, I need light bulbs, sugar, and dog food. Lady Sophia, I don’t plan to make Virgil a ghost soon. I killed Braxton.

I scream that inside my head so often. Why should I be surprised I can’t hear B trying to talk to me? I keep mentioning that Virgil is not his reincarnation. I know that, Sophia. Only as I was saying, I heard Virgil crying today, and between not cuddling either… Monster? I am not a good man, Sophia. And in all the horrors I’ve seen. It’s people that are the worse. Braxton and I were like Scooby and Shaggy. To Virgil, I am the villain. There’s the fact that B’s smell must cover everything even now. V sees dead doggies. Zombies? How about ghosts since Virgil cries buckets when I leave? Is B III haunting? Something good for V? Trade places B Leaving Ghosts Virgil.

852 Days Without B III, Day 293 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 335 ~The B Picture Virgil~

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If I could make any type of movie I wanted. I wish I could say it would involve zombies. What was the last horror movie I watched? What have I been looking at today? My supervillain origin story? And V’s been here almost a year. The B Picture Virgil.

Thursday, June 1, 2023

Saga 335 ~The B Picture Virgil~

851 Days Without B III, Day 292 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? You can see what time it is. So how was my day? Well, I’m disgusted.

I could also say, Depressed, Disappointed, or, one of my favorites, DISCOMBOLATED. B, there’s also bereft of dollars. One more reason I’m late talking to you. Out at the movies? As if I have money to see something in theaters anyway. And there’s greatness, Braxton. Instead, you know why I feel so disgusting, dirty, and depraved. Oh, the ABCs, B. But I can’t say I’ve been reading much. I’ve started Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead. So that’s a discussion for Lady Sophia. But I don’t want to talk about you or me, not this second. And what about Virgil? Have I watched any movies with him ever? I don’t know. But what I do know is that it’s been all about (sigh). “The Pic Phenomenon.”

I swear! I need to put the days I eff up in the phone. I’m sure your last day is in there for sure. It’s like effing dominos, you know. If you hadn’t left… There wouldn’t have been The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. So The Cherry Collision wouldn’t exist either. Braxton, I’m not blaming you at all. Only anytime I’m awake, I’m thinking about you. “Crime, it’s the way I fly to you,” as the song goes. I killed my best friend. So any others? Hell! I am so ashamed. It’s like that reporter in “Hotel Rwanda.” Wow! What a jump, huh, Braxton? I do miss watching movies with you and your Aunt. The world made sense. I was wholesome as I could be. Now?

Again, you saw me this morning. Even Virgil was hiding in your room —criminal ideas. Of course, I had them when you were here, no doubt. Only back then it was; B needs me today. And speaking of today, it would be punishment for what I have done to you. There’s everyone else… What do you want a list? Despite what they said back in school, I never made one of “those” lists, B III. And even today, it was only a dollar or bitcoin. Yeah. I remember saying if you’re going into Bitcoin and making temporary emails B III. I’m not being a Law Abiding Citizen. That’s three movies, three crimes, and my existence. Tragedy, comedy. Us, a love story. The B Picture Virgil.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 333 ~You Rib B, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I was raised having many a BBQ. But never invited. I was raised in the AME Church. I can appreciate a story here or there. But I didn’t want to go. And there was a time I even wanted to be a comedian. Not anymore. Just Kidding… You Rib B, Virgil

Tuesday, May 30, 2023

Saga 333 ~You Rib B, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But it’s not so funny anymore. Whether it’s true or false. I ain’t laughing. I’m trying.

What? Not to laugh? And I ain’t gonna lie. It’s been 849 days without my firstborn. And I have laughed my ass off at times. Well, what ass I do have. And I do like my ass? But don’t get those ideas… Got enough troubles with things inside… Mind, memories, madness. Weirdly, my rage has full reign, sigh. And yet my heart is in a cage, my love. Hell, it’s in a box on the nightstand labeled Braxton. But no! I can tell you the day I retrieved it. Wednesday, February 10, 2021. The day I saw what had become of my boy. It wasn’t a joke. He wasn’t hiding in his house, huffing at the food I made, heading under the bed as usual.

I know you’re asking what brought this on. Well, you’re my rib, after all. Religion? (Laughing). I lost whatever remained of that when Braxton died. I killed him, I know. Baby girl, it could be the fact that I’m hungry. And I know there are ribs in the fridge. Ha. Though if you could cook like Tineke Younger… I’m kidding… Jokes that might hurt feelings. I was never one for that. But feelings, isn’t that why we’re here today? Hmm. Would you rather I sing “Had a bad day again. (He) said I would not understand.” Today has been a pretty bad one. And if I told you why, besides Braxton or boobs. Who can get mad at either, I ask you? I have… did.

And I don’t know what I should do about it. I’m no bully. But I haven’t been saying Virgil’s name often. I guide him, usually with a pat on the ribs. I don’t abuse animals! Or anyone else, for that matter. It feels like my heart is trying to beat out of my chest. The meditation I’ve been doing says, “Open your chest.” That is about all I remember for sure. A few days ago, it was with the victory I had over my ear. I didn’t need your help, love. Not with that. But I need you. That’s no joke. Neither is missing my boy more than ever before. The fear “All Of Me” might end up in a cage… You Rib B, Virgil

849 Days Without B III, Day 290 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will