Tag: Lust

Meditation 326 ~Contracting Braxton and Virgil~

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When it’s not about punching people or pretty girls and my “Enormous P, then there’s paperwork. I have to sign to get the car fixed and to see to V’s health, and I’ll possibly need a credit card. I’m not happy, but I’m Contracting Braxton and Virgil.

Friday, May 23, 2025

Meditation 326 ~Contracting Braxton and Virgil~

Hey, Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… But first, I need to get my words right. Don’t I mean Contact, Not Contract? SIGH.

The Devil is in the details. Braxton’s Euthanasia papers and Virgil’s Adoption papers. I pose the question. What are two sets of documents I didn’t read thoroughly? Dear Lady Sophia.

It’s the fine print. I didn’t know I’d hate myself always and forever… Braxton’s demise. And I didn’t think I’d be looking at Virgil and start singing “I Always Find A Way” from Even Stevens. A way to care for Virgil. We went out for a walk, and he had breakfast. Even with my splitting headache. Do you see what time it is, Sophia? Seriously?

Today, I didn’t start with reading “Saying Goodbye – Navigating the Loss of a Beloved Pet: A Guide to Grieving and Healing From Pet Loss” by K.M. Ogden. Another one?

By that, I mean mourning B III. But that’s not why I have the headache now, my dear Lady Sophia. There are worse things to read and worse dreams/nightmares to rest to. Did I say rest? Yesterday, I was talking about B Resting in Peace. Only I don’t let him. And for the past three months, I’ve been complaining about “Dollar dollar bill, y’all.” C.R.E.A.M.

I’m surprised I haven’t been doing that for Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom. Should I stop calling M Anime that? When a woman says, she’s looking into jobs where you’re located…

As serious as the heart attack that didn’t take Braxton. It was his kidneys. As serious as the painkillers I took. As serious as the energy shot I missed, Sophia.

5-hour ENERGY does its job, but if you miss a couple of days, your head hurts like a Mother Effer. I swear I’ve been through this before, and still, I could only get off my ass long enough to get a personal pan pizza and a bucket of chicken. OH, I eat so well. Yeah…

Something I’m going to do to M Anime should I ever get the chance. And while I’m talking about adult situations, how are my finances? They’ll be worse tomorrow, Sophia.

I’m getting that Check Engine Light looked at. After that, Virgil’s health. And next comes having any food. To think I wanted to pay for sex, but I found love. B and V make me rich? Contracting Braxton and Virgil

1573 Days Without B III, Day 1014 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 323 ~L’s Between B, V~

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“I want you to recognize the difference between what you feel and what’s real.” I feel courage, but I ain’t got the guts. I’m horny, but I’m lying here on my… man parts. I’m in love, but in how many ways has my heart broken. Loser. “L’s Between B, V”

Tuesday, May 20, 2025

Meditation 323 ~L’s Between B, V~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? That’s why we must tell our children about the birds and the bees. That conversation.

“But, uh, has anyone talked to you about the birds and the bees?”
“Oh, you mean dicks and vaginas?”
― The Last of Us (2025)

Thank you, but I prefer it my way
Andre Baptiste Sr., Lord of War (2005)

The first time I gave something even remotely similar to that speech was with Braxton.

More to the point of Ain’t nobody “Humpin’ Around.” What can I say? Like father like son, my love. Braxton was supposed to be my breast… Excuse me. My Best Man. And he and I were both big fans of Yabbos. And he B III liked his aunt. A lot. I had to tell him.

What about Virgil? He won’t need that speech, I’m afraid. The ole snip, snip, treatment. Is it any wonder that my secondborn lost his balls? Braxton had some huge cojones.

Seriously, what’s with all this talk about my boys’ anatomy? Trying to be lighthearted, ha!

I’m so “Heavy In Your Arms.” So “Let’s Get Lost.”

The Twilight Soundtrack? That’s the lightest of it, my love. I want to lose my crown. I’ve never been a good man, but how dare I refuse to be king. I don’t have the heart for it. Mine was broken when I lost my firstborn son, little Braxton. Now yours, our kids, trying to mend Virgil’s. A jar of hearts. And no, not like Christina Perri, more like Marianne Engel.

Do you remember when we read Andrew Davidson’s The Gargoyle? That Marianne. Do you remember her man, the pornographer? Eff! How I want to get lost in you, baby doll.

“If you have any idea what I want to do to you right now. I can’t live like this.”
Will Traynor, Me Before You (2016)

Fingers, tongue, and, uh, penis. As the Isley brothers said, “Enough of this singin’, let’s make love.” But “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin'” I have.

“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.” And I can hear you now if I quote one more song…

But what would be left of me? I can’t tell you the critics. And the one who I could tell…

There’s SADNESS, FEAR, and LUST. So, as I have a week to lie here, I don’t have a week to lie here. So what do I do, my love? What do we do? I can’t do this. But husband, father…

What should I read some more? This morning, it was more about pet loss. When I close my eyes, there’s another ding that scares me. And looking at your beauty. And not being able to do anything Less, Loser, Lost, Me. L’s Between B, V.

1570 Days Without B III, Day 1011 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 319 ~Let Him B, Virgil~

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I’ve told many a woman on OF, “I Wanna Eff You.” And I’ve told my boys’ potential stepmom plenty. Next thing you know, I’m shopping, and she sends a pic like “When you’re ready, come and get it.” But what I said? What she’s seen. “Let Him B, Virgil.”

Friday, May 16, 2025

Meditation 319 ~Let Him B, Virgil~

Hey, Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… I should start saying a book review. But we are twenty weeks into the year, and…

This morning would be the perfect time for a critique. I finished Vector by Michael Dalton but was a bit disappointed. So I wasn’t crying over my son Braxton. It’ll happen. But not yet, Sophia.

Though I do miss him sitting on my head. Braxton would get into Good Trouble. Speaking of Good Trouble, what’s the last John Lewis book I’ve read? Waking up, Sophia.

It would either be Braxton making me want to breathe. A girl’s nice big Yabbos. Oh, Sophia, if you only knew. Or books. And that’s something I need to think about today, my Lady. I’m reading my bank account wrong. And am I even on the schedule for next week? I’m scared, so Braxton told Virgil to let me be.

But that didn’t help with what I was doing last night. What, reading ghost stories? I “pray” my boy B is more than some fur floating in the air. And trying my damndest to make sure his little brother Virgil follows him on the Rainbow Bridge. The walking path this morning was scary enough. Virgil vs a cat? What was I thinking about, my Lady?

A gift from Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom. After I got it yesterday, she’s their stepmom. As the song goes, “And then I saw her face. Now I’m a believer.” Only it wasn’t her face…

“And then I saw her face
Now I’m a believer
And not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I’m in love
I’m a believer
I couldn’t leave her if I tried”
I’m a Believer

It was her words, in a way. A late Valentine’s Day gift, she said. No man has ever seen her like this. But I did, Sophia.

So what was I to tell her? “Good God, woman, you’re gorgeous; you’re a goddess.” And what happened next, you ask? Sophia, you can see me on OnlyFans, but she saw me for free, and…

I haven’t heard a word since. And that’s why I had trouble reading the clock this morning, my Lady. It’s why I had difficulty counting what little money I had left. And A shopping list.

I’m so worried about what she’ll say next. B’s Favorite Girl. She’s “The Sweetest Thing” when it comes to me.

“Your penis is so big
Your penis is so thick
Your penis is so pretty
You’ve got a handsome di*k

Your penis is so hard
Your penis is so large
My body is a movie
And your penis is the star.”
“Staring your penis.”
the film The Sweetest Thing (2002)

“Is you is, or is you ain’t, my baby
The way you’re acting lately makes me doubt.”
Is You or Is You Ain’t My Baby

But have I been right all along? Is M Anime my boys’ stepmom or not? “Is You or Is You Ain’t My Baby” I want to ask her. There’s the word love, the sight, the WRITE… Let Him B, Virgil

1566 Days Without B III, Day 1007 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 316 ~Virgil, I’ll B Saying~

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The last time I had to send Virgil to Braxton’s Room was because of a storm. He’s not one to control his bladder. And he could lose his sh*t. Speaking of which, the things that I say. I miss Braxton. I love sex, I’m afraid. Virgil, I’ll B Saying

Tuesday, May 13, 2025

Meditation 316 ~Virgil, I’ll B Saying~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? More than my boys? I plead the 5th. My love, I’m not that lying Trump.

I have my soft and hard limits, but may I never be as vulgar, vindictive, or vicious as those of MAGA. And yet one of my sons, Braxton, saw Trump’s end… Virgil sees Trump 2.0.

But no, I don’t want to talk about politics today, Monday, May 12, 2025. Or ever. But we have no choice in the matter. As I have no choice but to keep loving Braxton. Always.

And Virgil? I don’t love him as much as Braxton. Later V, Later Virgil as opposed to Love ya B, Love ya Braxton. And look at me crying again. It’s not only because of Braxton. Mother’s Day has been pretty HARD till now. And OH MY GOD, we’ll get to that. Only, I miss Braxton.

Would you rather listen to me cry over him love or sweat over you? Mourning or Moaning? Grieving or Grunting? Wiping my tears or Whipping my… Must I be gross?

“Should I say it out loud?

Yeah, I should. You can’t heal something unless you’re brave enough to say it out loud.

I’m scared, though. I’m scared to say it… which is why I have to.”
The Last of Us

Love, if anything, as Roger sang, “I Want To Be Your Man.” I need “Sexual Healing,” as Marvin Gaye spectacularly put it. What’s better than making Love “Between The Sheets.”

My boy isn’t the only one that can put together a playlist. But we’d have to send Braxton, Virgil, and our two-legged rugrats to bed. Especially considering who I want to be with you. Annoying? I can be that too, but at least I’m not crying anymore, but you, darling.

Well, I want to effing “Tear You Apart.” Because “You get me closer to God.”

And that’s the truth, “I Wanna Eff You.” But not only because I love you more than anything. (Braxton looks down on me from Heaven). I don’t have alternative facts; I have ADDITIONAL facts. Effing MAGA! Anyway, my love, I’m afraid. Yes, I’m worried, but it’s FEAR, my love. And it has begun to overwhelm me. But I’m “Just A Man.” A man provides, protects, and pets puppies. But Braxton isn’t here anymore. And a man isn’t supposed to call on a woman for help, but who else is there. My Ma? Anyone at all?

Love, I don’t know what to do. WHATEVER IT TAKES! I sound like one of my motivations, or Captain America. So what’s next. I have Virgil. Virgil, I’ll B Saying.

1563 Days Without B III, Day 1004 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 312 ~B Looking Forward Virgil~

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Stories I look forward to reading. Whatever Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom writes. My paycheck. How I’m spending my paid vacation? Uh, not writing about Virgil’s first 1000 days. There’s C.M. Pope, a fired librarian, and FDT. “B Looking Forward Virgil”

Friday, May 9, 2025

Meditation 312 ~B Looking Forward Virgil~

Hey, Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… What about Virgil’s first 1000 days here with me? Over two and a half years. Sad.

Sorry, Lady Sophia. I didn’t mean to sound like that orange turd in the Oval Office with the whole “SAD” routine. FDT! So, let me start over. Virgil Vivi Bradford has been here for 1000 days. What can I tell you? Virgil’s out barking Meat Loaf’s, I’m still “Alive.”

Not really. But to think, on Sunday, January 31, 2021, I drove my firstborn son Braxton to be put into an oven… Geez, that’s so not cool. But at least I didn’t burst into tears, Sophia.

Anyway, on Saturday, August 13, 2022, I was driving away from the same hospital with my second-born Virgil to put him through Hell! Virgil led Dante through the Nine Circles.

Didn’t believe I’d have another son or a Trump Presidency.

The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Again, Lady Sophia, I’m sorry. But the things I’ve been reading and can’t avoid. The country’s screwed, effing MAGA, Chicago Made Pope, and how many times have I watched that trailer for Stephen King’s The Long Walk.

But I wasn’t smart enough to buy the book. Aren’t I supposed to be saving money? I have a Kindle full of books, but no. I’m deciding what to start next: Vector by Michael Dalton or Saying Goodbye Navigating the Loss of a Beloved Pet by K.M. Ogden. Sophia, will there ever come a day when I can sit with myself, Virgil, maybe his and Braxton’s stepmom M Anime, and be a man of honor like, uh, The Last Samurai:

“Tell me how he died.”

“I will tell you how he lived.”
The Last Samurai

For the love of everything, will I stop calling M Anime Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom?

Sophia, I could call her a hell of a writer. I have no business reading Vector right now, but do you see what time it is? I was up until around one reading one of M Anime’s stories, “Boss’s Bullet, Seed, and Sacrifice.” That story with thoughts of her and Cherry’s Yabbos, and I’m back on my day one if you know what I mean. Vanity’s “Pretty Mess” covers it.

“Woke her up around one. She didn’t hesitate to call Ice Cube the top gun.”
Today Is A Good Day

What about the Eels “Beautiful Freak?” Tinashe’s “Nasty” fits. But M Anime and Cherry are writers. I should write more for “my” novels: “Nightmare,” “Cries,” three words e roc tic.

Where’s Braxton’s books? Virgil’s 1000 days? B Looking Forward Virgil

1559 Days Without B III, Day 1000 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 309 ~Virgil’s B In Language~

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I tell B I love him every day. But I don’t know about the reception on the Rainbow Bridge. I tell V, “Later.” I tell him I’ll be back and that he’s staying. I rescued him. And they’re potential stepmom. What I said to her. Virgil’s B In Language

Tuesday, May 6, 2025

Meditation 309 ~Virgil’s B In Language~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? But as Snow Patrol sings, “Those three words are said too much. They’re not enough.”

How do I know? Despite how much my Old Man paid my way, I hate him. My firstborn son, Braxton, died. And I could say it to my secondborn son, Virgil. But I hate lying.

Always and forever, there’s you, my love. There is the family we created together. And you know me, a beast with a beat. “Havin’ my baby. What a lovely way of sayin’ how much you love me.” That’s all you because I highly doubt Braxton would send me such a song. If he were here today, his four little legs would run circles around his two-legged siblings to keep them safe. Virgil would be quieter than them, easy. Long story.

Love can be quiet or loud. It’s a difficult language.

And since I’m reminiscing about people, places, and even pieces of myself I hate. LEARN.

I’m constantly having to relearn how to love myself. Love, I am The Walking Dead. However, I’m not saying that because today is Sunday, May 4, 2025. So we both know, um, Tuesday, May 6, 2025, is going to suck. Oh, we’ll get to the sucking. Uh, ew. Uh, lovers.

Watch my mouth? Again, we’ll get to that. I say the most horrible things, and we’re not a religious household. But love, Jesus had it easy. If we skip the torture, he just died, love.

My Ma would say he died to save us. And I live? Not because I particularly care to do so. That’s my love language. STAYING.

Again, from a biblical context, Jesus came back. God is love. Dog is love, and my B III, “I said he doesn’t look a thing like Jesus,” as The Killers put it. However, “My Goddess.”

Um. Did we put the kids to bed four-legged, two-legged, and all? Okay, dearest love.

Purely in a Shakespearean meets The Pretty Reckless type of way, “You make me wanna die.” Hear me out, my love. My grief brings me closer to my son, B. Not really, but that’s what I’m going with. Being with you brings me closer in a way to dying. Seriously? Neither of us is Rihanna, but “Sex with Me,” sex with you, I tell myself, “I guess I die another day.” Virgil’s B In Language.

“I think I’ll find another way
There’s so much more to know
I guess I’ll die another day
It’s not my time to go

For every sin, I’ll have to pay
I’ve come to work, I’ve come to play
I think I’ll find another way
It’s not my time to go.”
Die Another Day

1556 Days Without B III, Day 997 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 305 ~Virgil And Braxton’s Study~

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I said I’d write 5000 words today. A dollar a word, please! All that’s left in the bank and I could be sitting on a goldmine possible. Two novels for Braxton, a series for Cherry. A duo for M Anime. But my life story is in Virgil And Braxton’s Study.

Friday, May 2, 2025

Meditation 305 ~Virgil And Braxton’s Study~

Hey, Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… But if not. I could at least clear off my table/desk. Or make the room comfortable.

My boys, Braxton and Virgil, spend all their time with me anyway. Unless they are puking, being punished, or their Dad is pushing buttons that make women moan. Or me.

Though it’s been more like swiping as I read M Anime’s stories. We’ll get to that in a minute, Lady Sophia. Or however long it takes for us to have this talk. I’m wasting time.

I don’t mean with this conversation. It’s more like I have too much on my plate. Uh, aren’t I broke? I haven’t bought a new urn to keep Braxton in. And there’s Virgil’s vet visit. Honestly, I knew there was something I forgot to add as I was writing out a grocery list yesterday. Rotisserie chicken, pizza rolls, Virgil’s health.

And I don’t have any books on dogs that don’t involve them dying or their owners. And yes, even now, I long to join my Braxton. But Virgil’s here, so I must read up on how much money I’m losing and my latest humiliation on Facebook. And some four hundred words… I enjoy working on my and M Anime’s novel “Cries Come Women, Come Country.”

I keep saying that Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom is awe-inspiring. Gotta, stop calling her that!

“She Drives Me Crazy,” and I can’t help myself. I should read more about the Shadow Work she wants me to get into. She’s writing me all this free stuff, and I’m buying more books.

I wish. I need some books on starting a rebellion.

Rebellions, revolutions, or ravishing pretty girls. Ew! The things I think about in the dark.

When I’m the one who’s screwed or effed, whatever. Did you read my last paycheck?

Sophia, SIGH, it was $35.00. I had to take $300 from savings, and none of that went towards Virgil. But by rhyme or crime I’mma get mine. Or rather his. V is not dying today. What I mean is, I’m determined to take care of Virgil’s needs, no matter what.

And if I die, it will be in a purely Biblical or Shakespearean type of way. Did I mention that if I’m not reading about grieving my firstborn, most of my library consists of, um…?

Well, doing things that make parents. Not with $5,000. And that’s nothing compared to the time I’ve wasted. Reading, Writing, Earning. Virgil And Braxton’s Study.

1552 Days Without B III, Day 993 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 302 ~Room After B, Virgil~

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To be a man and a Dad, one must “Make Room, Make Room!” I don’t know if B has only taken up more space since his death or if there is so little left of me. V needs space, too. And yet I step forward only to ask myself. Where to? Room After B, Virgil.

Tuesday, April 29, 2025

Meditation 302 ~Room After B, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? Every little step I take, you will be there. But I’m not Bobby Brown. I’m…

That’s the thing, my love. I want to say, “All Yours.” But I’m not one to shy away from the truth. And while I’m constantly asking myself where I am going, It’s where I am.

“Where you gonna go, where you gonna run, where you gonna hide? Nowhere… ’cause there’s no one like you left.” — Carol Malone, Body Snatchers (1993)

Darling, I have never left the last place I saw my boy on Sunday, January 31, 2021. There was Braxton, in his own bed on a vet’s table, looking at me to do something, save him, or spare him any more pain. My boy wanted to stay. And since he couldn’t, I have. That is the truth. It could be a new definition of love. At its most simplistic, love means you before me. By that logic, I do love Virgil, too. But the concept that one would only stay.

Baby Doll, I could give you a whole playlist on that “Stay With Me” “If I lay here. If I just lay here. Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” “We were made to never fall away.” You can thank B for that last one. “You’re coming back for me.” Damn right!

However, this is the rub. How can I return to a place that I have never left? Where am I?

We are in a dream. I still see us on a beach somewhere. Our two-legged kids ran along in the sand and waves. Little Braxton pulled with all his might to keep them from the water. And you are pulling me and trying to get me to join you. Where?

Again, I don’t know. A man is supposed to lead, but I would rather follow my boy or have you, my love, follow my rules. One of those reasons is “chains and whips excite me,” ha-ha! You know how I’ve been feeling about money these days. Building our “Red Room.”

More like I wanted to “Paint It Black.” Like all the ink along the pages of the books I write. I read something last night and to see the dark lusts, depravity, and desires. Love? Honestly, it could go either way. Let’s say all the dark places in women that men yearn to go, my love. Because with you, at least, I’m moving forward in a Kama Sutra way, baby.

Love? Room After B, Virgil.

Even if you leave this room, you can never leave this room.
— from 1408 (2007)

1549 Days Without B III, Day 990 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 298 ~Virgil Isn’t B’s Plot~

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Will I ever write my autobiography? I wrote two books about my son. Um… I’m too busy complaining about the Day Job. I have all the time in the world to write, edit, and PUBLISH. But I have to live on; I have to survive. Because Virgil Isn’t B’s Plot.

Friday, April 25, 2025

Meditation 298 ~Virgil Isn’t B’s Plot~

Hey, Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… Hell! I’m surprised I was even able to read this morning. My eyes are so heavy.

Exhaustion, Addiction, or Allergies? At least I’m not crying over my “Lost Boy.” My B.

Oh no, that would make too much sense. Or no sense at all, seeing B’s been gone four long years. I need only invoke Sunday, January 31, 2021. And anything I’m going through becomes nothing. I watched my son, my Braxton, die, and… Well, the tears are trying to eke out. I need them because I have so much reading to do today. Try Happiness.

Honestly, my lady, you know that word does not exist here. However, I did consider telling you how Virgil arrived. That was Saturday, August 13, 2022. Joyful tears, Sophia? I’m sweating bullets, actually. But I thought I heard Braxton’s voice. “How To Save A Life?”

As this week draws to a close, I’m afraid all I know how to do is make better writers cash. The story of my life is nothing compared to the B-plots from the likes of Dirk Knight and Logan Jacobs. This is the last day for triple Kindle Points, so I NEED more books. SIGH

With what money? If I’m lucky, my B-Plot of a Day Job has me in once a week. I’m not. So, as for all my paid time off… The following two weeks will be hard. And the following two are wasted. So much for going to see Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom. I have to stop calling M Anime that, as if she would even have me. Comparing me to Xu…

Oh, right, I’m supposed to be writing a novel about her nightmare with General Xu. Writing isn’t paying the bills. Sophia, if I finish the story, there’s… Too Much Sauce. However, analyzing the book I’m writing, called “Cries Come Women, Come Country,” isn’t helping either. It takes my mind off missing my son, my money, and any mistakes I make.

Like explaining this to M Anime. AHEM! In her nightmare/short story, I noticed the level of intimacy between her and General Xu. She was first taken in darkness, then held down, chained up, held softly, and then she clung to him. With acceptance, she climaxed.

I can worry about what she thinks instead of the main story. Braxton, Virgil, and I. Virgil Isn’t B’s Plot

1545 Days Without B III, Day 986 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 295 ~No B In Sharing~

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Manners! Language! You talk too much! Should I say more about my furry kid? Four years gone. Or what about the walk with his little brother on a rainy morning? Money woes. Manuscripts that will never be published. Manhood. My Evils. “No B In Sharing”

Tuesday, April 22, 2025

Meditation 295 ~No B In Sharing~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? Enough to SHARE my life with you. Or give it. Oh, to be so noble.

Missing my Braxton, I could be a modern-day samurai. Committing Seppuku? No. That would only dishonor my firstborn son, you, my love, and our family. What? You didn’t think I only studied Japanese Adult Anime. Would you instead have me share more about B III?

Money has also become a concern. I was talking to my Ma the other day and wanted to share with her that I am afraid. A man provides for his family. Husband and father. “What Kind of Man Would I Be,” to admit that I’m afraid I can’t give you and our kids everything you want and need. But I wouldn’t be a good one. “What Makes a Good Man?”

Manuscripts full of bad ones. I was reading “My Writing.”

Yesterday, I kept getting the same response from “the critics.” I share far too much.

Truthful, yes, but too much. There’s “No Hope Left.” Apparently, I can’t say such things. I didn’t tell Braxton that as I watched him die. I don’t tell Virgil that when we walk every day. He needs to believe in a better world. A better me. What about myself, love?

Looking at myself in the mirror, I inevitably say, “I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend.” But what’s the truth? I want to tell the worst things, my Dirty Little Secret.

Braxton was euthanized Sunday, January 31, 2021, because I failed him. I don’t know how to reach Virgil. And I wish I was never born.

Because I am afraid. “It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” So why not share my sins with you? The things I have never done. Is it effed up that I think about this, like sharing food with my boys? Braxton eating hot dogs, and Virgil has pizza bites. You love?

I get off on the idea of watching you with someone being “ravished.” Cuckoldry vs Netorare (NTR). There’s a book in the closet, “Ravishment: The Dark Side of Erotic Fantasy” by Desmond Ravenstone. I’ve been excited by nonfiction violation stories. Exhibitionism is something I’d explore with you. My Sadism. Fear brings out my depravity. I share this with you because telling myself, my boys, I’ve failed. No B In Sharing.

1542 Days Without B III, Day 983 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will