Tag: Manhood

Saga 202 ~Virgil, Don’t B Mad~

WillLeave a comment

I’ve raised my voice at Virgil once… ok, twice. What he did on Braxton’s pillow, I tried to wash it and destroyed it. And sniffing Braxton’s bed. But Virgil’s not mad; he’s scared. Physically I’m sick, and my heart remains broken. Virgil, Don’t B Mad

Thursday, January 19, 2023

Saga 202 ~Virgil, Don’t B Mad~

718 Days Without B III, Day 159 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Even if you got food poisoning, you’d consider it your best day ever. But milkshakes…

2V can’t be mad at me today. Besides sharing a ton of fries with him, I’m sure he doesn’t have a stomachache right now. Not throwing up or crapping all over your room B III. About to get all TMI. Well, Jack’s is now one more place I can’t go anymore, considering how I’m feeling. But I can’t check the walking path, either. You remember all the walks you took until you got old and I was lazy. My zombie apocalypse buddy. Braxton, I swear I have plenty of reasons to be mad these days. A stomach bug. Way too many boobs, and missing you, my boy. More than ever. It’s making me a meanie regarding Virgil Vivi. I’m a crappy friend so far, B.

I’m sick and tired. Yes, plenty mad too. But Virgil is scared, if anything. It’s been about five months, and where is he? As I said, Braxton, your room lying on a pillow by himself. At least now I have an excuse. I don’t want him to see me like this, about to blow any minute. And I mean that in more ways than one. So gross, I know. I remember your good days and bad. If I thought of those more, I would focus on something other than your last ones, Braxton. And as far as Virgil is concerned… I suppose that’s one thing you two have in common, Triple B. Every day is your last and his first. And at best, I’m in the middle every given day.

But right now, I don’t know how I feel. Well, physically, I’m hopping out of bed. Fuck that milkshake! Or was it the chicken? The fries were on the chicken, but V’s good. I’m fucked. At least I’m too sick to be Humpin’ Around. So I can’t eat, I can’t hump, I’m just like you. How dare I compare this to your last days. Yet again, you see what I’m doing, don’t you, Little B? Anytime there’s pain, I have to dig into the greatest pain. Hurts Like Hell. As the song goes, “I loved and I loved and I lost you.” But I don’t love Virgil like you. When shall I? Not this month; the next, ever, I don’t know. Virgil, Don’t B Mad

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 195 ~B “Stairs” Down Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Virgil successfully climbed up the stairs today. And what was my accomplishment? I stepped up my porn viewing. I climbed up the stairs at the Day Job to avoid people. What would B III be proud of? B “Stairs” Down Virgil.

Thursday, January 12, 2023

711 Days Without B III, Day 152 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I haven’t looked up in some time. Looked down? That our song Don’t Look Down?

I have yet to listen to one song on Spotify this year. I’m still trying to pick something to set the tone for the new year. Don’t Look Down, Just Look Up, and He Lives In You, to name a few. Staring down at the phone when we should be talking. You remember B III. Can’t say I have such memories with Virgil yet, but it’s been five months and some change, 152 days, to be precise. But you’ve seen everything. Kinda scares me when I’d go out of my way to keep something from you. What kind of Dad would I be, ha? I am trying with Virgil Vivi, honest. He could need you more than me right now, don’t you think, B III?

Yesterday was not one of my best days. And that was with getting off early. Yuck! Get your mind out of the gutter or wherever it was. The stuff that you would get into, Braxton. Yes, I’m reading yet another book about dead fur babies. “The Grief Recovery Handbook for Pet Loss.” Braxton Barks, you wish I’d keep my head out of such things. Memories. Like King Ezekiel would say, “and yet I smile.” It’s good to think about how you’d bury yourself in your aunt’s cleavage. Beats you being buried in another way. Fucking low. Speaking of which, yesterday. Remember I said I wished you didn’t see me like that… much too often. My Triple B seeing some Triple X exploits in Saimin Seishidou.

In this Mad Season…, yet another song for the playlist I’m building. Virgil needs you. Braxton, it’s not like I remember how you learned to navigate the stairs. One of the few things I can’t write about. But you learned, and that was a miracle. Your whole life was B. My little miracle, my son, my best friend. One of the few things I can claim in this world I continue to exist in. And I can only imagine you giving me one of your looks. You know, the ones that seemed to say. I hate this inflection, but “… is you crazy.” Yesterday yes. The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. More like The Reika and Reina Kurashiki occurrence. So let’s say B “Stairs” Down Virgil.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 188 ~To B New Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

The first thing, the first someone that made me want to be a better man, ha, wasn’t some parent or teacher. A lovely girl with decent Yabbos made me clean the house. Or flash some cash. But a four-legged kid… I Tried, I try? To B New Virgil

Thursday, January 5, 2023

Saga 188 ~To B New Virgil~

704 Days Without B III, Day 145 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Are you having a good year, seeing as I’m from the past, the future… whatever

Time-Travel is way past my pay grade Braxton. And speaking of time, you know why I’m talking to you on Saturday, December 31, 2022. Today, this year, already fucking hell! There are better ways to start the year. Am I right? It’s my third cry of the day this morning. Braxton, by the time you read this, how many times will I have cried? And more tears are coming. Remind me that I need to see to it getting time off for Tuesday, January 31, 2023, and Feb 1. Ok, Triple B, I’m going to stop crying now. Then again, Virgil might be awfully confused by the change. “You’ll be like lil’ John Q and get a change of heart.” Do you think so, Braxton? Yep, still looking up music.

Ludacris? Both the man and ludicrous my existence. Both cruel and, as for now, necessary. Though I want to say, highly unnecessary. But again, Virgil is here. And how does he know me? Indeed do you know me at all? The day you went away… I wish I had too. The fact that I’m writing this at all (sigh). Unless, by some miracle, I’m not going to do something STUPID today. But again, Little B, I have thought about it. Anytime I open my eyes. Indeed the moment you took your last breath, I closed my eyes. Brand new me. Unfortunately for me. Anyway, this is a brand new year. “It’s a new world, it’s a new start.” Again with the music. Nothing new, B.

I can’t even guess what might be new because of how far I’m jumping. No, not like that, Triple B. If I am keeping my promise… that’s one of many reasons B III. You know, going crazy over Triple X or something like that. Once again, RAGE driving me bonkers. How about thinking that Virgil Vivi could be you somehow? I don’t even remember “Me Before You.” Or I just don’t want to. Hell! I’d give anything to be who I was… perhaps two weeks before you died. And every week I write, I’ll be the person you think, Braxton. Virgil would be better off. But then again, you might have lived. Yet how to see the man in the mirror? To B New Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 192 ~B A Man Of…~

WillLeave a comment

Be a man of greatness now, kindness, wisdom, a man so humble. I’m not sure about all that, but I was better when Braxton was here. Sure I feel a twinge of “giving a shit” when I see such and such boobs or when reaching for tortilla chips. B A Man Of…

Sunday, January 9, 2022

Chronicle 192 ~B A Man Of…~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but does that make me a man? Well, what about you? 1984’s you are the last man.

No, you figured, you and Braxton would be apocalypse partners. But isn’t it ironic that the world ended Sunday, January 31, 2021, and here you are? As the song goes, “I walk a lonely road. The only one that I have ever known.” I have, and you will. It’s inevitable. Only for 343 Days so far. Speaking of the inevitable, missing Braxton, questioning manhood, how I miss music. Geez, this week is going to suck all the more without it. Look at it this way, as always. The Day Job is the third worse day, ok. Emergence Day, B’s Day. Neither made you a man. Hell, both days make you wish you were dead. Dangerous words. The Day Job’s Hell. Much like Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading My Dog Has Died: What Do I Do
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial Completion
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 003 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 010 No Fap)
  5. I WILL Work On A Tattoo Of B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

I had an Epiphany while in Walmart, ha. A Revelation, if you will. Synonyms? Epiphanies are like once or very few times in a lifetime. When I hear the word Revelation, I remember Tillie Cole’s “Deadly Virtues” series or the Bible as in the book of. The world is ending. Something like Ecclesiastes 1:18, increasing knowledge, increases sorrow. Dammit, Jack. You’ll continue to read Jack McAfghan/Kate McGahan. Anyway, Epiphany, Revelation. You’ll share more with Inspector Echo but ok. So I would take that line from Battle for the Planet of the Apes. One day you’ll be as tall as a king. I would tell Braxton. I raised my son so high he went all the way to Heaven. To see him again… Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading Jack McAfghan: Letters From Rainbow Bridge, Kate McGahan
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 010 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Work On A Tattoo Of My B III
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

You won’t put that on the list yet, but how could you make it to Heaven, to Rainbow Bridge? A song came to mind, “We Are Growing” by Margaret Singana. In its lyrics, hell, the first three words are “Be a man.” Now, of course, what of Mulan, Rocky, Star Trek? They all have songs or lines about being a man, but what do you believe. To be a man, hmm? Fatherhood is the epitome of manhood. Just be a man, and let history judge accordingly. So am I telling you to be a father again? After almost a year. Fuck no! There is no way. Yet, getting up in the morning requires boobs, bucks, your Braxton? None of that’s here. B A Man Of…

Gospel 192 ~Will Seconds That Emotion~

343 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Lesson 251 ~Sign Of A Gentleman~

WillLeave a comment

Flowers, Candy, Sweet Nothings, sometimes you should just shut up and show what you got; words can be as dirty as anything, and my name is mud. Also, there are other ways to make dirty money. Sign Of A Gentleman but nobody liked him either.

Friday, March 9, 2018

Lesson 251 ~Sign Of A Gentleman~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore for I am as notorious as Rumpelstiltskin; what I mean is how many people know my name, how often do I brag, what evils, deeds, and deals have I conjured to end up with nothing? What’s in a name, I’m sure somewhere in the land of 0s and 1s I have value but whatever happened to this man’s word I ask you?

The sign of a gentleman is his good name, and I lost that long ago and replaced it with, well take your pick, I’m sure Amazon sees me as nothing more than those same 0s and 1s or repeating the same mistakes. I still believe that I am a man of my word; if I promise, I deliver, but maybe it’s not my name as much as I should worry about the others; you wouldn’t sign a pact with the Devil, would you? Don’t answer that because if it meant a payout for once in my life, I would and what’s my soul worth anyway?

Probably about as much as my name because I have a hard enough time finding the value in either, sort of the difference between forty-five and fifty bucks, food or fun but yeah I’m never growing up right? It’s not that I’m without merit, restocking the submissive closet is one thing, but I did buy food. The dog is well taken care of, I even bought some books but then again my erotica reading group has to be mostly girls and “Cherry” *sigh* I might have mentioned a sweet English tart to one of you girls a while back, seems she wrote a poetry book.

What about my “great” novel, maybe I’m not in a rush to put my name on anything, take my wealth, my sanity, anything but my name but again isn’t that already gone? I use to think that if I couldn’t have fame, I could deal with infamy but lately, I just wish I could start my story all over again, my life story that is.

You know how often I quote that conversation from The Walking Dead “Here’s Not Here” and I will do so again but a gentleman, a man, in general, is not just his name, or his actions. He is so much more and as I write out my story, my work as both man and monster I feel the need to find a better part of me, Sign Of A Gentleman.

“What we’ve done, we’ve done.
We evade it by moving forward with a code to never do it again.
To make up for it.
To still accept what we were.
To accept everyone.
To protect everyone.
And in doing that, protect yourself.
To create peace.” Here’s Not Here, Episode 06×04

“There’s a saying — the pessimist looks down and hits his head.
The optimist looks up and loses his footing.
The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.” The Well, The Walking Dead 07×02

I Will Have No Fear