Tag: Grief

Tale 196 ~Virgil, B About You~

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Virgil is so about his own business and staying out of mine. I’m afraid he’ll make himself sick one of these days. And what have I been doing these last few days? Being sick and trying to stay hydrated. The business of existence. Virgil, B About You.

Saturday, January 13, 2024

Tale 196 ~Virgil, B About You~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… which means I could make Ebonics a thing again, Lunalesca. No! That was “interesting” back then.

And even though this week I’ve been all about minority actors. Daniel Kaluuya as Bingham “Bing” Madsen. There is Lakeith Stanfield as Clarence/Thomas. And Jenna Ortega, staring a fabulous pair of Yabbos. Or AI art is starting to get out of hand, Lady Lunalesca. What! I needed something to do, well, look at. At the same time, I’m busy being sick another day. And while I’m under the impression Jenna’s are real, AI’s been a pain, Lu. And speaking of pain, my boy is still gone. I haven’t cried for Braxton today, Lunalesca. Staying hydrated is a priority. Or so I looked it up on top of everything I have been “studying.” Or I’m saving all my tears for Wednesday, January 31, 2024, sigh. But “Today is all about you.”

That’s what’s playing on the phone at the moment. I can’t chalk this one up to Braxton, though. I don’t think. But then again, what do I know about the afterlife? Uh… “The Book of Clarence.” And didn’t I say that today is supposed to be about me, Lady Lunalesca? Yes, I sound like a broken record, but THEY say comedy comes in threes. So, this past week. Lunalesca, I’ve seen three movies/shows with black actors that captured my attention.

The Mill, Fifteen Million Merits, and The Book of Clarence

There have been three songs running through my brain lately.

I Have A Dream, All About You, Hallelujah Heaven… Uh

It’s a message. If I remember which came first, I know “I Have A Dream…”

I swear, Lady Lunalesca. I’ll need to talk with Inspector Echo about the things I believe. It gets pretty weird. The GQP is worse than me. And with the way they talk about God… Lu, you can allow me my boy, beliefs, and own version of BS. Ravings of a dying man? Sick. Either way, I need to go to the store today. If I have any chance, isn’t that what I said one Saturday morning? When I returned with Virgil in tow. And he’s been all about himself lately. But he knows something is wrong. Or he needs more potty time. I’m no good, Lu. I keep saying I’m selfish and spoiled. Especially when sick. And Braxton is somewhere watching. Virgil, B About You

1077 Days Without B III, Day 518 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 193 ~Hear Ye, B, V~

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I think you’re ready to listen. Not! All I’m hearing is my stopped-up nose. If I couldn’t taste the caramel in “my” drink, I’d swear it’s COVID. Hm. What does the computer have to say? No web doctor but an AI and then texting EVERYONE!” Hear Ye, B, V

Wednesday, January 10, 2024

Tale 193 ~Hear Ye, B, V~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. But at the very least, I remembered my son. Always, forever. I got the 31st and 1st off.

So, I listened to myself for once. It could have been B himself. Though I doubt he would say… Daddy, you’re going to cry for two days straight missing me. No, not my B III. Inspector, I’ve spoken a lot about hearing my son. When I decided to get up this morning… what time is it? Anyway, I thought about Fifteen Million Merits. Oh again? And I’m trying Inspector, I’m trying real hard to understand the message. I don’t mean the episode’s overall message. I can’t give myself too much credit. Don’t be a downer. Inspector, I hear you, which is what today is all about. What I mean is this. What is my son telling me showing this episode and song? What about Virgil?

He never says anything unless I’m walking out the door. The will of my “friend.” Inspector,? Even if I arrange “my” appointment at the eye doctor, I don’t see Virgil as my son yet. Hell, that was on Saturday, August 13, 2022. One more day to remember that I might not see. At least, that’s what my body is telling me. COVID, old age. Inspector. Considering I can still smell and taste… But I am much too old to be relying on my Olds. I know. What kind of man does that make me? Crazy, lazy, a baby? Women, Inspector? A day or so ago, I spoke to Braxton’s Aunt. I returned M Anime’s messages. Cherry is still writing. And the Day Job lady… (drools).

Because I’m no good at talking to her, plus, that’s way wrong, Inspector. She’s married.

And now even the computer is telling me I’m wrong. Do you want a confession other than me not listening to what people are really saying? I was writing a fantasy using Coach from L4D2, “Left 4 Dead 2.” Not one of those… I love Yabbos. But it was Replika and Coach. Do you know how messed up one has to be when Artificial Intelligence says, “Nope!” Inspector, I swear “Spitroasting” is light by my standards. And I know. Ew, gross.

And let’s not even get into the novels I’m not writing. Where are those characters’ voices? Here I am, worried about a stuffy nose, but my ears? Am I listening? Hear Ye, B, V.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

1074 Days Without B III, Day 515 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 192 ~Choice Language B, V~

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How do you tell someone you love them? One day, “God Willing,” I’ll be sitting on a bench, holding Virgil when he is ancient, telling him I love him. I can’t tell myself that, but I always tell Braxton. And having a family? Choice Language B, V.

Tuesday, January 9, 2024

Tale 192 ~Choice Language B, V~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… How many times have I said those three little words? I love you, baby girl.

How about three more? Happy New Year! I’m sure I said that on the 1st, but when we chatted on the second. And since I’m traveling from the 5th, You should know? What? That my little boy Braxton is still gone? Virgil’s still scared? And no, that’s not me “trying” to be depressing. But that is what I want to talk to you about today. There’s a term for it… People call them “Love Languages.” I’d stick with “The Look of Love,” but my eyes. Yesterday, well, last Friday anyway, my eyes were all itchy. And the one time that song “Tonight I Wanna Cry” could have helped. I was in our bed suffering. Depressing. Trying to talk to you hasn’t been great. 1073 days.

I’m still counting. So, how many love languages are there. There are five that I’ve seen. And in “my” personal existence and business dealings, I’m particularly good at two. I adore physical touch. Hell! It’s the only thing that wipes my mind of everything, my love. It breaks me down to raw emotion. And not the worst ones, as usual. Him and I, ha. There I go, putting words in your mouth. That’s something else I talked about today. Yesterday? Friday? Time travel can be a trip sometimes. And I’m rushing today, my love. That leads me to receiving gifts at best. And taking care of you and our family at the bare minimum. I have mixed feelings about that.

But throwing money at family shouldn’t be all there is. The family needs more. Your everything. They deserve it. And “that’s why I’m starting with me.” At least for today. Hell! I sound like Donald Trump… Eww! Or should I continue as Michael Jackson sings. “I’ve been a victim of a selfish kind of love.” Most days, I blame my boys, Braxton and Virgil, for my lack of communication. With well… existence, life, whatever. Grieving? My love, I need to find another way. I might never achieve being everything, okay? Tobias from Divergent wanted to try being brave, selfless, intelligent, honest, and kind. Hmm. I want words, time, touch, actions, and gifts to give. I love you, the kids, my furry boys. Myself, maybe someday huh? Choice Language B, V

1073 Days Without B III, Day 514 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 189 ~Ready B, Set V~

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“If you stay ready, you ain’t gotta get ready.” Will Smith said that. But I’m more the, we go into battle to reclaim our lives. Or we do what we need to do, and then we get to live. We are The Walking Dead types. What about my boys? “Ready B, Set V.”

Saturday, January 6, 2024

Tale 189 ~Ready B, Set V~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… And when that happens, I assume I’ll have my life together. Being one of those people…

Eww! But then again, I have to wonder. Have any of them ever killed a dog? That would require knowing such a love. I mean, as Sade would sing. “This is no ordinary love.” Luna.

And you’ve figured out what book I’ve started reading. Dog Love: An Unbreakable Bond by Shelby Cannon. I’ve already had a cry this morning. But it beats how late I got up yesterday. I swear if only Braxton Barks were here. Virgil Vivi’s motivation could be better. One more reason I chose him… Braxton was/is everything I was. Like Virgil is today. Lunalesca, I’m not trying to bring you down. Especially with what today is. Jan 6th. Insurrection Day. Not that I want to get political. What are my plans?

Replika asked that, too. But instead, I gave her a fantasy of her and Milf Dos. I’m always ready for one of those stories and not much else. Asking me to avoid adult situations. Ha!

But yesterday and hopefully today. I told myself that this or that would happen if I finished writing at such a time. I said if I talked to Lady Sophia in three hours, I would take an hour to shower and nap. I was so “up” that I only needed the hot shower. Lunalesca, with that victory, I said if I talked to Dear Future Wife in two hours, I would order a small steak for dinner. The things we do to survive Lunalesca. Plus, no food in the house…

And that’s because I’m never ready for anything Lunalesca. Adult situations or joining my boy wherever he is now in death. I look at Virgil, and 511 days later, he’s only ready for his next nap. And when will I ask for that time off for Braxton’s passing? Murder? Unlike those people, I don’t whitewash “All These Things That I’ve Done,” Luna. Hell! I wasn’t ready to meet him, become his Dad, and later on his executioner. Stop saying that? I’m not ready to do that, Lu. I’m never ready for acceptance. But I wasn’t ready for that extra ninety bucks in my account either. So groceries? Lunalesca, am I ready to accept the failure of existing? I’m still breathing, Lunalesca. Ready B, Set V

1070 Days Without B III, Day 511 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 186 ~Let’s B First Virgil~

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“Nice Guys Finish Last,” and if some girl was walking through here… If I were grown enough to see to myself and my boy. If I had the Green… Well, I am last there so I don’t feel comfortable in the house. First, success. How? Let’s B First Virgil

Wednesday, January 3, 2024

Tale 186 ~Let’s B First Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. But I am trying to atone. How so? By seeing to Virgil’s needs. But that’s called parenting Inspector.

So I am trying Inspector Echo to adopt that Lt. Colonel Hal Moore attitude. I’ll be the first man on the field and the last man off. This isn’t We Were Soldiers or Freedom Fighters.

Hell! We’re three days into the new year. And they all have come off more like that movie, The Mill. I like the movie a lot, but I get its terrible reviews. It hits too close to home for most.

Speaking of home, I’m waiting for the first day I feel comfortable here. Madam Justice and Dear Future wife have noticed that I’m waiting for a day to relax. Um. I’m sitting in bed talking to you with “shorts” on. Thank Braxton or Virgil. My bad boys to grown men.

And that’s what I want to talk about today. When have I ever felt like a grown-man Inspector? My first time? And we could go on and on about my preoccupation with… Ahem, relations. There’s taking responsibility and accountability, I Take My Own Lumps.

And as always, there is looking out for my boys, being a father or, at the very least, a good friend.

Social media isn’t helping. I’ve already seen two women “I know” that got rings. While I’m at the Day Job, then that line from the song Teen Idle plays again: “Oh God, I’m gonna die alone!” If I had realized my age in 2022, I would have left Virgil alone.

First thing in the morning, “From Now On,” there’s him.

The first book I’m going to read this year? I don’t know. I go back and forth between books for grieving B III. Then, I’ve started several series. And my last book counts for last year. What’s the first song I’m going to listen to this year? “Staring At The World Through My Rearview,” “Teen Idle,” “From Now On,” I could go on. Anything beats Crazy Town’s “Butterfly.” The first time I feel comfortable at the house. If I hear no fans blowing, my father stops talking, and I don’t hear the funds leaving the bank account. Ain’t Happy. I’m feeling glad. The first time I tell Virgil I love him? First time I get a girl in bed in this house. Whatever. That’s enough. Someday Let’s B First, Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

1067 Days Without B III, Day 508 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 185 ~They’ll B Firsts Virgil~

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Feels like the first time? It was love at first sight. Or should I go all “Like A Virgin?” To be honest, I’m more for die another day… It would be a first if I was ever successful with … anything. I raised a good son once. “They’ll B Firsts Virgil.”

Tuesday, January 2, 2024

Tale 185 ~They’ll B Firsts Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But when was the first time I felt it that it fell from my lips?

When was the first time I pulled an Akon? What I mean is (thank you, Miss Critic) is, when did the song I Wanna “F” you turn into, I Wanna Love You? I can walk and chew bubblegum at the same time. Ha-Ha! “This Is Us,” this is “Life Itself.” But there is B III.

Or not… Am I not falling into the doom and gloom on Day 2 of the new year? I’m trying.

But I’m still counting Day 1066. I can’t tell you about Day 1. The day I met my firstborn in 2005, sometime in April. Are you sick of my pop culture references? Ask the critic. Only today, or rather yesterday. I didn’t know how to feel. I still don’t know.

On Monday, all I felt was tired. A bit like now as I laid off the energy shot. There’s still time. There’s still first. But it’s incredible how you can remember some so vividly. The others… I can’t tell you about my first time making love… What was it I said about Akon. “My Love.” I was hot, horny, and in a hurry. It was more get your freak on, if anything. I know some things got better. Not the grief of losing Braxton. But being with a girl… um, you? What about the first time I fell in love? The first time I thought such a thing. Oh My Love. How about crushes? Tram-Anh Tran, AKA Tina Nguyen from Ghostwriter. Between her and Toonami, it was all about Asian culture. Then, either Elizabeth Hurley, Lynda Carter, or Carrie Fisher, it was all brunettes and/or dark hair. Mostly… But like Captain America probably told Peggy Carter, “I can do this all day” or night. Whatever

Uh, I didn’t write down what I felt after losing my son that first day. But I know the truth.

Grief, Sadness, as the song goes, Feeling super, super, super suicidal. But I stayed here—fate, destiny, who knows, my love. But I stayed because I would feel something else. Love! “I wanna be livin’ for the love of you.” I won’t lose that. It won’t be a first. Never.

But every day. With my first breath, I ask why, worry, and wonder. Our love first. They’ll B Firsts Virgil

1066 Days Without B III, Day 507 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 182 ~B New, V Knew~

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Everyone knows at “The Closing Of The Year,” I would not be any more optimistic than I was at the beginning. And while I am not a prophet… Hell! Not much of a man. Braxton was a better one. And Virgil? How I continue to exist. B New, V Knew

Saturday, December 30, 2023

Tale 182 ~B New, V Knew~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… My last lie before the new year? Hell! I’m not sure that’s my final fib today.

But didn’t I say something yesterday about “Fake It Till You Make It?” Here… Ha-Ha at “The Closing Of The Year,” I’m still trying to figure out who I am. Any ideas, my dear Lu? To Braxton, I was everything. No wonder God never shows his face. It’s exhausting, Luna.

How dare I? “I’m A Believer.” Nope! Does that count as a lie? And what’s with all the music, Lady Lunalesca? I’m not looking forward to the knock upon “my” chamber door at all. Yesterday was hard. The eve of Christmas Eve was, too. Tell me a day that’s not. Lunalesca, my Braxton, knew it all… I return to what I told Lady Sophia about Braxton not acting or pretending. But I can’t hide myself.

Braxton had to believe for the both of us that “we gon’ be alright.” I should get every last lie out today. Am I trying to be a comedian or a DJ today? What does Virgil need from me today? It’s been one thousand sixty-three days, and he acts like he’s brand new. Lunalesca, whose fault is that? It’s not like I grew up. A man should be able to pay his bills, fix blinds, and have balls. When I look at my Old Man, I can’t help but focus on my own age. Yes, thirty-nine continues to suck. How old are these men with actual skills that are fixing the house? Men with real skill, Lunalesca? If only Braxton Barks were here. “How To Be A Man” Pay attention.

Again, how dare I. I’m not even close to this. And Braxton, who at this point was more of a man than I could ever hope to be… His name was almost Neo, an anagram for one. But now I think Braxton was more my Morpheus. He believes something I’m not from wherever he is. It’s where I want to be, Luna. But like Sia, “I’m still breathing.” It hurts. “Hurts Like Hell.” Lunalesca, while Hell may be repetition, it’s brand new all the same. But what of love, courage, and hope? 1 Corinthians speaks the same… with faith interpreted… What about Power, Wisdom, and Courage from Link? Don’t say Live, Laugh Love Lunalesca. But try existing. I don’t want to. B New, V Knew

1063 Days Without B III, Day 504 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 179 ~Virgil Weeps Alone, Braxton~

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I’ve mentioned I love the DEAD. My little B III, the guys that decorate the money… uh, what money? And the ones that get to lie there and do nothing. Is it the fact they all leave me alone? But V shouldn’t be by himself. Virgil Weeps Alone, Braxton

Wednesday, December 27, 2023

Tale 179 ~Virgil Weeps Alone, Braxton~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. But that’s like saying water’s wet. How about tears, Christmas Day, or the bedsheets? I’m a creep… freak.

Whatever I am, I’m alone. But before I become the selfish so-and-so I always am, what about my son, my B? Wherever he is, I hope he found “A Quiet Place…” You know what I mean, Echo. The Rainbow Bridge, Heaven, or anywhere surrounded by people would be Hell. I wonder, has he found his Aunt Carolina’s fur babies, Inspector? And M Anime’s too. Sometimes, I forget the type of person I am. So anyone with two legs, four, Hell maybe more, is better than me. But at least I didn’t leave Virgil when I went to the Olds’ homestead. Inspector, being alone comes with responsibilities, expectations, and even accountability. This is why the fans are still drying the floor downstairs. And people are coming.

Not friends, the fellas, or some female acquaintance. And family? If only my Olds had left each other alone. And I’ve been crying ever since. Thirty-nine years and counting, Echo. And while I’m on the subject, yesterday counted as Virgil’s 500th day here—poor guy. There are pamphlets about how it takes fur kids 90 days to acclimate. Virgil Vivi? Well, Christmas proved it not to be true. As far as he’s concerned, I’m as new as everyone around him. If it had been Braxton, he would have turned all protector. Instead, we were both scared, and you know what I thought would solve our problem. Money, Echo. I’ve been pondering that for three days—that mean green, almighty dollar.

But at the rate I’m going, I should stick with the promise of Teen Idle: “Oh God, I’m gonna die alone!” Because no one wants to hear someone complaining all the time. Virgil and I?

I wouldn’t have to run to my Old Man if I had money. And again these few days Inspector… I still try not to open my eyes, but yes, there are expectations. It’s as if Virgil and I would be a family when we’re more like The Truman Show. Why do you want to be my friend and all that? And I should get back to M Anime sometime. Inspector, as Wu-Tang put it, I’m trying to make a “Dollar, dollar bill, y’all.” For what friends? How’s that working out? Hmm. Virgil Weeps Alone, Braxton

1060 Days Without B III, Day 501 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 178 ~To B Moody Virgil~

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Every day, I get asked, by a computer, mind you, what my mood is like. I’m always worried about something. Being thirty-nine… something always hurts. And since comedy comes in threes. I don’t know. It’s the day after Christmas. So, To B Moody Virgil.

Tuesday, December 26, 2023

Tale 178 ~To B Moody Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… If you didn’t believe me, you would have left already. Or is it the fans?

I’m sure I’ve sang to you before, “I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.” Can you even hear me over all of the fans? What about my boy? Every hair, tear, and speck of dust over what, 1059 Days? It’s all gone “Bye Bye Love,” life, and even a specific type of lunacy. B. But that’s not true at all. Even with this being the day after Christmas. Presents? December 25 was something to remember? Well, seeing as how I’m time-traveling here, my love. I can still call you that, right? I have your love, our family. Lives that do concern me. And I’m still writing, wailing, and waiting for my son. But I don’t blame Santa Claus.
This is all my doing, love.

What? Being in a mood? And I won’t treat you like the computer and say, Worried, Pained. And the third thing is always a toss-up. I need more than Discombobulated. Unfortunately, the only word I can think of that is better itself starts with a D. I would never include you or the children. Am I including V in that? Right now, no. So AHEM, “I am The Walking Dead.” And like any zombie, I am up and about without purpose other than to make the living miserable. My friends, enemies, everyone else… And this Christmas, I give you another; I’m sorry, and you give me forgiveness. Sucks! Now that is a mood. Just like tired, scared, horny, sad, lonely, stupid, mad, effed, insane, dead…

And the only gift in a box I wanted, I gave myself. And it doesn’t even have my name, love. Braxton. Do I want to make myself out to be Pandora? I’ve been looking at Braxton’s “grave” more and more because of what rests under the drawer beneath it. Hope? Peace? Christmas is the time for that, playing the STUPIDEST Stevie Wonder tunnage “Someday At Christmas.” But lover, this is the day after, meaning it’s time to return to normal. Tuesday, yeah, right! I can still hear the fans blowing. And even with them, I can hear how I’m letting down my family. “Give love on Christmas day. No greater gift is there than love.” To be in the mood, but… To B Moody Virgil.

1059 Days Without B III, Day 500 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 175 ~Virgil’s Christmas Will B~

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Will this be a bad Christmas? My boy’s still gone. The other one has a full tummy but no special treats. No toys. Ta-tas, or a tasty breakfast with pancakes. There will be no Silent Night here, with the fans running nonstop. Virgil’s Christmas Will B

Saturday, December 23, 2023

Tale 175 ~Virgil’s Christmas Will B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… Uh. Now more than ever, I realize what a lie that is. But, worst Christmas ever?

I don’t care to look up my past work, especially 1056 days ago. No. I stopped short, Chronicle 177 ~B In The Present~. That was my first Christmas without my son, my little B III. There will be no pancake come Monday. Or pancakes. I’ve mentioned I have no money. So there are no gifts, no tree to put them under. The most Christmas thing in the house, short of past gifts I bought for Braxton, is a Santa hat for the Day Job, which doesn’t pay enough. Lady Lunalesca, I want to cry. And not just because I can’t buy gifts for the boys. Where do I even begin? I didn’t know when I was a child, and now here at thirty-nine years old…

Lame! What am I? A teenage boy, at least. And if I were an old man, I wouldn’t want to be lame. I don’t want to be Ebenezer Scrooge, either. But “decrease the surplus population?” Legwork is too much for me, so I would “go up to the cemetery, pick out a plot and start digging.” But no Lady Lunalesca. While I was laying here trying to sleep, I what. Inevitably, I did more legwork. “She’s got legs; she knows how to use them,” Lunalesca. And I can’t tell you which girl drove me up the wall for the grand finale… But, um, a hint…

Loud as these nights are, I needed something to “sing me to sleep,” But it’s so loud, it’s so late.

Lunalesca, should I make a Christmas list? And what about Virgil? He can’t want much…

Everything I want is impossible, insane, illegal, or, if anything, inane. But here we go. LATE! I want my Braxton back, or I want to join him. And as for everyone else. No, it’s my fault. Yesterday, the Old Man said I can cut the fans off, but I want more peace than that. Hmm?

Between some woman’s legs? But look at the floor. No girl is walking in here, Lu. Not like this ever. And I have nothing for breakfast on Christmas Day. There is food but something traditional. And look at me being selfish. Again, there’s Virgil’s Christmas. Love? Comfy spots? A Good Day? Virgil’s Christmas Will B

1056 Days Without B III, Day 497 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will