Tag: Fourth Year

Meditation 220 ~My Grade, B, Virgil~

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I NEARLY failed “Math In Society.” It is the easiest math class in school. Oh, and how much was “my” tax refund… Virgil is learning how to be quiet. Braxton has a Master’s in that, seeing as I sent him to the Rainbow Bridge. My Grade, B, Virgil.

Thursday, February 6, 2025

Meditation 220 ~My Grade, B, Virgil~

1467 Days Without B III, Day 908 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? If you were still teaching me to live and love… We aren’t much for laughter.

It’s not that we don’t laugh. You were here with your aunt and I. Movie nights, I laugh plenty. But laughter hurts more than tears, so I’ve been crying for two weeks straight, B III.

So I should laugh… Because I ENDED you B III. Euthanasia isn’t funny. I’m just a sucker for pain. Hmm.

I was back in school, though I had no choice being a kid. And now, at forty, I’m studying Live, Laugh, Love vs. Eat, Pray, Love. Eating, praying, laughing. No! You’re gone. And what money?

You weren’t one to teach me finances. Do you remember how much your dying cost? Braxton, I know that’s a sore subject. But I’ve studied that day for four years. Why’d you have to go?

There was so much more for you to teach. And as I said, live and love. I’m failing at both.

Virgil Vivi is a testament to that. He’s been here around two years and some change, and he has no idea how to be a dog. I remember being tasked with teaching you how to be a dog. Yeah, Braxton, you didn’t take to that too well. So then I raised you as my son, and in that, I succeeded. How’s that? Braxton, you’re a better man. Take a look at me now… B III?

Seriously, how can I teach Virgil anything between pop culture, i.e., living in a “Vivarium.” And how you talk to me through music. Even now, Joe Public’s “Live and Learn.”

Not that I blame you, Braxton. Ignorance is Bliss, or Ignorance is Strength. I’m learning…

Well, nothing at all. And I can’t say I want to. That is why I’m listening to Eric Vall again. I read books on pet loss. They all tell me what I should know. It’s not your fault… Me, you?

That the fact that I exist is worse. Next to nothing. According to the federal government, it’s $1,069. Does that sound like a man who provides for his family, Braxton? Virgil eats every day, but that’s about it. He eats, sleeps, and cries whenever I leave the house. B III?

I’ve taught him that. I find it kind of funny; I find it kind of sad. My Grade, B, Virgil

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 215 ~One, Virgil, B Here~

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The one time… Um, two that I liked going downstairs. When Braxton’s favorite girl and I had a movie night. And then moving things back upstairs for Braxton’s “memorial.” Virgil’s still here. And who am I, Dante or some character? One, Virgil, B Here.

Saturday, February 1, 2025

Meditation 215 ~One, Virgil, B Here~

Hey Lady Lu,
I am a Billionaire right now… So, by this point, I have built Braxton Barks Bradford, a temple mightier than the pyramids.

My son, my shining prince. And who am I, Pharaoh? If I had started earlier, I would have watched The Ten Commandments or Malcolm X last night, Dear Lady Lunalesca.

However, it was the usual day. What is “normal” about my son being euthanized, Luna?

That it happened four years ago. And how did I spend this fourth anniversary? Breathing.

Yes, I woke up to find that was still the case, though I was up till around one this morning.

So how did I spend yesterday? It was standard. I only left once to pick up a burger, fries, and a shake. I shared them with Virgil in honor of Braxton. I cried six times.

Lunalesca, who’s counting. Two meals, four movies, and 1462 Days.

That’s around four years. The fourth anniversary of my Braxton’s loss to the world, Lu.

I can’t help but feel it should have been me. The thought of reaching for that one thing in my nightstand, you know what I mean, it crossed my mind. But then I think, who would be here for Virgil? Was I there for Braxton when he needed me most?

Well, considering Braxton isn’t here anymore… The only mess I almost made was with the second head, recreating Lester Burnham’s shower scene from American Beauty.

Lunalesca, how dare I! But I didn’t finish. I didn’t deserve to. Braxton is DEAD! Lately, there hasn’t been any particular song playing in my head. As you can see, it’s mostly movie quotes. It was tradition for Braxton and I. Our movie nights… Then his aunt came along, too.

Lunalesca, she has her own stuff. Cherry is always writing. And M Anime finally got back to me, but of course, I was fulfilling A Dog’s Purpose. Really? Somehow! Lunalesca.

“So, in all my lives as a dog, here’s what I’ve learned. Have fun, obviously. Whenever possible, find someone to save, and save them. Lick the ones you love. Don’t get all sad-faced about what happened and scrunchy-faced about what could. Just be here now.” From Bailey, A Dog’s Purpose

If I could be so lucky. If only my sons were. But I’ve been stuck in the past with both.

Virgil will have a future if neither one of my heads pops off. If you get my drift. The future:

Black History Month begins today
Feb 4. Braxton was cremated
Feb 10. Braxton was returned
Feb 13. Braxton’s twentieth birthday
Feb 14. M Anime, Valentine?

And let’s not forget where I was this time last year or in 2021. But the one lesson from last night. Be here now… Without Braxton? One, Virgil, B Here

Tale 215 B For Virgil’s Freedom

Gospel 215 Act From Desire Not Insecurity

1462 Days Without B III, Day 903 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 213 ~No Plan B, Virgil~

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R.I.P. Braxton. No, that would be tomorrow, the 31st. Four years ago, no food was in the house, and Braxton wasn’t eating his. Why did I even go out? I should have starved myself with him because without him… There’s No Plan B, Virgil.

Thursday, January 30, 2025

Meditation 213 ~No Plan B, Virgil~

1460 Days Without B III, Day 901 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Can we pretend it’s another day I don’t want to talk about for a while?

The day BEFORE you died. I wasn’t planning on it. Ha, neither were you, Braxton.

Always and Forever; that was the plan. And if I could do it all again, B. Like you sent me:

When does the reason become the blame?
When does a man become a monster?
Forgive me
― Just A Man

I’ve been thinking about this query all day. And at the Day Job, I got my answer B III. Um…

It’s when I had you euthanized. I swear all the books I’ve read about the “good death,” Little Braxton. What is the plan for me to see it that way and not Ninth Circle worthy?

Treachery and the price of said treachery, I readily accept. But Acceptance of your loss…

NEVER! So, my son, what are my weekend plans? Hmm.

As I said, the day before you died, four years ago, I was here, Gospel 213 “Will “B” Seeing You.” Braxton, last year it was Tale 213, “To B Okay, Virgil.” If Virgil wasn’t here…

However, Virgil is here. Only I should have followed you to the bridge. Rainbow Bridge? I ain’t getting into Heaven. Even if my greatest accomplishment in life was the way I loved you. I love you still, my son. And if what I did was the greatest love and mercy…

Braxton, I did not plan on living this way. And to plan on dying… Do not tempt me B III. I survived your… ascendance that first year alone. And Virgil arrived in August of 2022.

He’s been here 901 Days.

But you have been gone 1460 Days. And “tomorrow and tomorrow, and tomorrow” B III.

I plan to talk to the ladies, Sophia and Luna, so I can spend the day remembering you, B, and nothing else. I’ll need to move everything back upstairs like it was. As you know…

TRADITION, tradition! Tradition! And no, B, I won’t be watching Fiddler on the Roof. Only there will be movies and McDonald’s because you love their fries. And BBQ for dinner.

But what movies and how much will I cry? Blood, sweat, and tears, Braxton. Inevitable. Blood on my hands. Again, if Virgil wasn’t here… Not enough sweat to save you. And if only tears could bring you back to me. There’s No Plan B, Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad