Tale 335 ~Sick Of B, Virgil~

I miss my earbuds, and I hate my Day Job. But today, I’ve been listening for any “mess” to hit the floor from Virgil. And I’ve been reading a book by a Roman Emperor. Braxton is still “up there” somewhere, as tall as a king. “Sick Of B, Virgil.”

Friday, May 31, 2024

Tale 335 ~Sick Of B, Virgil~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… but it’s not like something from Pixar or Disney. As if I’ve been keeping up, I’m so exhausted… or just lazy…

Dare I say, well read? But I am tired. I didn’t read when my aunt was in the hospital, so I was well aware of the news of her passing. I also kept my book away when my Ma was having heart troubles. Was I being a good son? Or did I not want to be rude at all? Hmm?

This brings me to my son… Uh, “sons?” On Friday, January 29, 2021, I wrote about Succubus Lord 7 and how I was on 8. You know where I was on the 31st, right, Sophia?

I was watching my son Braxton breathe his last. If you’ve ever wondered why, out of all the titles I have. I constantly listen to this Eric Vall series, Sophia.

Today, I will talk about Logan Jacobs’s book Backyard Dungeon 10. I’m surprised I’ve found the time with my other boy. I swear I paid so much to save my Little B III. But well? Yeah, his last bills are sitting on the coffee table. And I’m reading another one for Virgil, totaling nearly $300.00. But not for his current illness, which seems to be dissipating. A stomach bug? I don’t know, but I was not running behind V when he made a move. Uh?

Because I’m a bad dad… I’m sure Braxton is somewhere saying, “No, you’re not.” Sophia? Would Braxton say, “You’re a good dad. Say it!” For now, if he speaks to me, it comes through Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations. But review time:

A Ten for Backyard Dungeon?

Nah! But four out of five stars, at least. Why? I’ll tell you why. There are plenty of authors, just like Logan Jacobs. Eric Vall, A.J. Markam, Michael Dalton, Neil Bimbeau, I could go on. It’s not like I’m a connoisseur or anything. Backyard Dungeon, hmm? Personally, my favorite part would be Dorrem going to the capital. Being one to suffer from anxiety myself, it was new and somewhat uplifting to see a character coping, too. Next to that, Eddie and Gwen… Eddie and his wives? But Eddie’s a redneck…

I should say more, Lady Sophia, but I must ensure Virgil isn’t making more messes. My head hurts learning from Braxton these days. Ignorance is bliss? Sick Of B, Virgil

1216 Days Without B III, Day 657 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 332 ~ They’ll B Things, Virgil~

Tell me that I could have Braxton back, and what thing would I give up. The phone, my por… my relationship collection. How about having an Enormous… uh. Well, I’m sure the Future Wife would miss that. But They’ll B Things, Virgil

Tuesday, May 28, 2024

Tale 332 ~ They’ll B Things, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… I love you. Much like “I am happy.” Such words do not come cheap or…

At all. When was the last time I told Braxton I love him? I’ve been more inclined to talk about time travel. Today’s Tuesday, May 21, 2024. By now, it’s been 1213 days without him.

And how many days since there’s been no word about him? I’m sure I screwed up somewhere down the line. It’s why his bed, toys, bowls, medicine, and comfy spots remain. My son’s things. I’m still mad about the very floor he once walked. Flooded. I wore glasses that finally gave up the ghost and broke. So now it’s like I have to see things as brand new. Even the DISH Network service he watched is gone. Yet another humiliation.

Watching wrestling and “other” things. The secrets I’ve tried keeping.

Not that I miss Braxton. Or that Virgil and I haven’t bonded in 654 days. How about the fact that our marriage, my love…? You and me, always and forever. Nothing changes that. How about the fact that I miss my Braxton so much? It makes me want you more.

It’s Physical Touch, Touch Starvation, Touch Deprivation, or my favorite, “Skin Hunger.” But I’ve said, “Everybody know I’m a… monster.” Zombie from S. Wolf’s novel.

And I believe I’ve had a revelation, my love. You know the things I want to do to you, baby girl. “I Want’a Do Something Freaky To You.” That is a secret kept from Braxton.

I once heard that when you want knowledge, money, success, or whatever, as badly as you want air. It is then that you’ll have it.

Only I can’t imagine wanting anything more than my son back. And to lose everything that I have seen my son tirelessly defend. The fence, the house, all of my little Braxton’s things, my love.

It’s why I deny myself. Everything, old and new, borrowed and blue. Haven’t I been saying I don’t feel like much of a man lately? But I’m your man. Again, always and forever. My love.

But the present is the thing. Love is a gift. A thought of caring like, Happy Birthday Cherry! The things I wanted from her. What I want from you, love. And V. To be happy.

We get that ourselves. The thing is, my Braxton’s still gone. They’ll B Things, Virgil.

1213 Days Without B III, Day 654 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 331 ~Harder To Breathe Up Top~

Will you breathe? Will, breathe. More like, “Daddy, breathe.” Because when my furry little boy died, I didn’t plan on it. But I’ve managed for 1212 days. There are always more books to read. Or babes to look at. But to exist? Harder To Breathe Up Top

Monday, May 27, 2024

Tale 331 ~Harder To Breathe Up Top~

Three-Hundredth And Forty-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice
Rules are made to be broken… Some people cancel them outright. Some are forgotten about. And still, some will evolve into, well, anything.

It makes my head hurt, along with the time travel. I’m speaking to you on Tuesday, May 21, 2024. However, when this rule was written out, I traced it back to 2018. I mean, wow!

I figured I’d be in another place entirely. Braxton would be twenty next year. And that’s when I expected to lose him. That is if he didn’t lose me by smothering me with his fur.

So what’s making my head hurt now? Why am I breathing when I don’t really want to, Madam? Let’s start by raising my head in the morning. The first breath that enters my lungs. It’s either my Braxton’s name that comes out. Or expletives from my mourning or moaning. Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This.

I’m glad I covered the mirror in the bedroom. But there is the black mirror, AKA the phone, on the table beside me. I hold my breath, looking at the beauty of others. My mind.

Inevitably, I will find other ways not to breathe and instead sound like the zombie I imagine I am. The moans of newly found flesh.

Did I really just say that? And what’s worse is the look on my face when I say or do such things. Taking OnlyFans pictures.

But I could be so exhausted that whatever… risqué book I’m reading falls and hits me in the face. How many times has that happened?

And yet I live. My head stays intact. Breathing away and denying my fondest wish.

What? To follow Braxton wherever he went. The Rainbow Bridge? I am Braxton’s father, but if I had been even more of a man… Would he have lived? I keep asking myself that, Madam. I wanted to be a man of money, merit, and miracles. I would build our Heaven.

There would be no air because we would have everything, and no one could touch my son or me. And yet he found it. I suppose. My B III is sitting in his bed on the vet’s table, not breathing. As for me? When was the last time the “bigger head” has been up? Uhh…

There’s plenty of air as I fall Down To Earth. Nobody but Virgil and I. Harder To Breathe Up Top

“A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys” ― Andrew Ryan, Bioshock

1212 Days Without B III, Day 653 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 328 ~Parenting B’s and V’s~

Not to sound like certain people, but manhood equals fatherhood. I go back and forth over men I admire. Some fathers. Still others could provide for their own home. I gave Braxton all I had. Virgil? By providing book reviews? “Parenting B’s and V’s.”

Friday, May 24, 2024

Tale 328 ~Parenting B’s and V’s~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… This is a story about being a Dad… Oh, right! What about being a son? Uh?

Braxton is gone, and I’m thirty-nine. But B will always be my son. And I still have my Olds. But what kind of man am I? What would Virgil name me, Sophia? Just “Some Guy”

Yeah, someone who was so busy hating the world that I forgot to show love to my son, B III. I was indifferent. Is that how my Olds were? As long as I don’t embarrass them. Then, Everything Is Awesome? When I was a child, Sophia. What’s My Age Again?

Humiliations Galore, my lady. I’m the one who can’t pay his cable or satellite bill. Whatever, I wasn’t watching it a lot. And what I watched. Geez! How about reading?

Yeah, my tablet hit my face while reading about… sin.

And no, I’m not talking about the Bible. I don’t look to any faith to make me a better man.

You know, the men I look to as role models. Any guy that’s buried… not in the dirt, but let’s say, in something pretty has my vote. And no, I’m not talking about the hush money payments guy. Why can’t I be Eddie Hill? Or Ethan from Bikini Nights. Review:

Bikini Nights For Papa Bear:

Bikini Nights has issues. Mommy, Daddy, and Five Star. Shall I go on? I can say this. I’m anxiously awaiting the next book, Bikini Dawn. Michael Dalton hit a homerun. Or that was Papa Bear Ethan with Olivia and Lexie. I can’t get enough of these three. And even when they’re not in the throes of passion. Their every day. However, my favorite parts are those moments of love… But you also have Maddie and the drama fest that she has to go through. Is it strange that I want Maddie to find someone like her dear Daddy? Ha-Ha! I’d buy a few copies for friends if this book had a soft cover. But I’ll still share with, ahem, EVERYONE!

Are you still there, my lady, after me being a fanboy. Because? Being something better. Manly? Because Unconditional love is for women, children, and dogs. You see any women here, Sophia. Besides you, of course. Two-legged kids? I need a woman. And Virgil is here.

Being his Dad? I miss Braxton. Parenting B’s and V’s

1209 Days Without B III, Day 650 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 325 ~Virgil Can B Choosy~

Do I have a choice? Yes. It’s why I look in the mirror, not the nightstand drawer. What? The world’s dangerous, and there’s Heaven, Hell, or the Rainbow Bridge, which I believe my Braxton found. But it wasn’t his choice. Virgil Can B Choosy

Tuesday, May 21, 2024

Tale 325 ~Virgil Can B Choosy~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… A choice? Sure. One that can’t be undone. Our children. My son, Braxton. Even Virgil.

The things that come into my world. But I didn’t choose the world. It’s been a hard few days living in it. And yes, if my B were still here, the past 1206 days would have been no question. Now, that is a lie. But like the promise I made to you. Always and forever.

Whenever I walked out the door, there were three phrases, three words each. “I’ll be back,” “Love ya, B,” and “Love ya Braxton.” No matter what happened, I love Braxton.

That was enough to survive, whatever. And then you ask, what about you? The kids? It’s my choice to come back to my family. I choose you, lover, every day. But it’s a hard choice. I know I sound selfish.

It’s like looking in a mirror. When I see myself even after all this time. I want to do my best Johnny Cash impression. “I hurt myself today.” If I could see myself like Braxton.

Pure love. I’ve told the story time and time again of when my Olds were moving, and Braxton was standing there. “Get in the car!” I yelled. Braxton did not hesitate. He made his choice. B III didn’t know where it would lead, but that choice to love was enough.

Virgil didn’t get that choice. And you, my love, didn’t choose to love, whatever it is I have become. A man of constant sorrow. Because even the choice of me getting up seems too much.

I wake up feeling robbed.

Braxton wasn’t stolen. If I blame anyone for his passing, it’s a former Day Job and my indifference. And that’s why “I Feel Everything.” Grief and sorrow seem the safest.

There was a time when I existed as “lust’s passion will be served…” As if that’s changed with all I do. I’m still in business, after all. The books, babes, and bucks. I want it all. Braxton, though, will not be a part of that. And now choosing to be here. Right here, this moment.

“It’s All Coming Back To Me Now.” A thousand choices shout praises! But make one.

Loving you? I will. Doing right by family. Yes. Existing without my boy? I’m here!

Choose to be happy? Staying enough? Virgil Can B Choosy

1206 Days Without B III, Day 647 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 324 ~Blogging Is Graffiti With Punctuation~

I ask for my Braxton back. I ask not to regret breathing. And to not be a blogger. But I sit in bed messing up the words because I have a Day Job. So, I’m blogging instead of writing. I promised B, but… Blogging Is Graffiti With Punctuation

Monday, May 20, 2024

Tale 324 ~Blogging Is Graffiti With Punctuation~

Three-Hundredth And Forty-Fourth Rule

Madam Justice
Rules are made to be broken… But not this one. Well, not unless I’m not here anymore. And how I HOPE for that.

Another week feels like an eternity. It’s Sunday, May 12, 2024. Another tear? Another breath.

Have I forgotten where I am and what I’m doing? If this is the First Circle, Limbo. Then, I could see no better punishment for a writer. If only that were my greatest sin, Madam.

Nowadays, I drift between what I did to my son, Braxton. Then there’s my father. Blogging away about those two extremes when it is still Mother’s Day. I know, Madam.

But if I stopped writing, I would honor women, specifically my mother. Honoring my father would mean keeping my mouth shut, but I couldn’t. So I’m stupid. And to honor my son, I would join him. Only he has a story. People should read it.

And so every day, whether I want to or not, I wake up, whittle away time, and write. It’s more like I cry out for him, Braxton, B III! I argue about balls. And then I blog away. This is my way of keeping him alive. Or, so I thought.

So, how long have I been doing that? How long has this blog existed? Oh! Please understand, Madam. I’m not begging anyone to look at this “work” anymore. I don’t. Only these words in Sister Act 2 have stuck with me: “If when you wake up in the morning. you can think of nothing but writing…then you’re a writer.” Now, when I wake up, there’s Braxton first. Then, the question of why I’m breathing. And then there’s this blog. Daring to call myself a writer…

That’s like calling myself a reviewer. This leads me to where this rule came from. It’s from the movie Contagion. “Blogging is not writing. It’s graffiti with punctuation.” But my writing is simply a mess. The Mess! Madam Justice, I’ll get into all sorts of movies at this rate. But I’m not here for that. And since I won’t edit my novels for Braxton, Madam.

What is it I’m doing? Right now, I’m hoping the DISH Network people come through so I won’t have to keep writing about being a fool and my father. Forgive me for my whining, dear Madam. Yet my words have done far worse, haven’t they? Up against the wall, on Mother’s Day. I’m not writing. Blogging Is Graffiti With Punctuation.

“A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys” ― Andrew Ryan, Bioshock

1205 Days Without B III, Day 646 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 321 ~Happy To B Virgil~

I do like a book that has Happily Ever After. So I’m a bit ashamed I haven’t been reading about fur buddy memorials. My son Braxton and I didn’t get Happily Ever After. So buy more books… I’m keeping Virgil healthy, if not happy. “Happy To B Virgil.”

Friday, May 17, 2024

Tale 321 ~Happy To B Virgil~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… Or should I buy you one? You should stay away from the search bar and finances.

There is no happiness to be found in such places. It’s a constant battle between keeping Virgil and myself healthy. I see a bit of Hilarity in continuing existence. And then there’s my hor… me being “amorous,” always. But happiness? It’s like a mirage, always just out of reach. People keep asking me for happy… anything, and I wish I could give it to them.

Sophia, I continued reading Michael Dalton’s novel this morning, and a particular quote hit me: “I’m happy if you’re happy.” Since everything leads back to my son Braxton, I ask…

B III, are you happy?

I remember so much about Braxton. I can still feel the warmth of Braxton’s last day on this Earth. I sat at the vet’s office, saw the look in B’s eyes, and heard what he was trying to say in his last moments. His thoughts still echo in my mind:

“Daddy, can’t we go home? I’m ok. I promise. You don’t have to worry anymore.”

Now Virgil is not happy.

Ok, sticking with Michael Dalton’s work, I’ll give you a few more choice words, Sophia: “If I have to live with it, then I will.” I should have made that into a rule, Lady Sophia.

That’s Virgil and I’s relationship. What is love? Love and Happiness. I told Braxton yesterday that the vet said that Virgil will live. But liking him? Virgil and his happiness.

Sophia, that’s what makes me a bad person. I don’t even try to read on the couch with him anymore. And yes, I’d include having problems with DISH Network, Sophia.

Honestly, my father isn’t too happy with me. But do you think I’m going to call him again today? I can’t find happiness inside me—only fear and book reviews…

9 Matches For Backyard Dungeon:

Well, Eddie is approaching seven wives. But with all the potential matches and hookups. I’ll give this 9th book in the series 4 Stars again. It’s great fun between the fighting, flushing out of the world, and again with all the romantic partners; there is plenty of… Uh, ahem, frolicking. I know I’ve said that before. Only with this title, my favorite part was Eddie playing matchmaker. He’s got babies, business, and he’s a bro. A particular type of bro, for sure. So, I tend to keep Logan Jacob’s books to myself. But to a specific clientele. Eddie Hill’s great.

What about my books or anything I would like to read? It won’t be happy, but… Happy To B Virgil

1202 Days Without B III, Day 643 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 318 ~Virgil’s Drowning Risk B~

My fears? Braxton’s passing, which I survived… My Olds who are very much alive, and neither one has put me in the ground yet. Then drowning. I even turned off Far Cry 5 when I saw that happening. But Virgil is off and crying? Virgil’s Drowning Risk B

Tuesday, May 14, 2024

Tale 318 ~Virgil’s Drowning Risk B~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… Enough to keep your head above water. Or do I lay my coat over puddles at your feet, my love?

Do I want to be a gentleman today? As with most days—well, let’s say 1199 of them—I want to be a man. I won’t say a happy man, but a man provides. And I’m trying. I always am.

But, my Braxton is gone.

Again, I’m trying to keep Virgil from the same fate. For as long as I can. He has a veterinary appointment tomorrow, so AHEM:

“Shots,
shots,
shots,
shots,
shots,
shots!”

Not a day goes by that I don’t remember the last two that B took. Or was it three? Hmm.

“Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame.” I did that to my furry son. And now to my lovely wife? You’re still here, but Braxton isn’t. What about me?

I’m keeping my head above water. But nobody likes seeing that. So I’m lying here. Waking up, I gasp for air with an expletive upon my lips. No wonder Virgil stays off the bed. And our other children? If I can go through the day without mentioning Braxton. Or saying anything scandalous or scary or that makes someone else sad. Not even now, love. As I can exist… without happiness. I can’t without sadness or FEAR. It won’t go away.

If I am going to wake up wet, with bad words, and wanting another baby. I’d rather be with you, yeah. You keep drowning me in your love. Are you crying from all the laughter, pleasure from… or relief from me not talking about Braxton?

Sigh. Even a sigh means that I’m still breathing. I’m alive. Only the flooding never stops, my love. It’s been raining for so long. And I’m sure even Braxton’s Aunt has grown sick of me. She said she would bring a boat if we ever had another situation like Noah and God’s Wrath, as read in the Bible. But both she and you never knew it would be B III’s passing that would bring this.

I understand what you’re asking of me. I’m a drowning man pulling you under. You’re asking me, when will I grow. Life gave me lemons; I can’t make it lemonade. And I’ll make apple juice because I need to see a doctor. And no man is an island. Water, water, everywhere. Virgil’s Drowning Risk B

1199 Days Without B III, Day 640 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 317 ~The Survivors Will Write History~

A particular history teacher would quote: history is written by the victors. Napoleon flipped it, as I see White Supremacists do daily. If anything, I only try to survive my own. But writing it gets harder every day. The Survivors Will Write History.

Monday, May 13, 2024

Tale 317 ~The Survivors Will Write History~

Three-Hundredth And Forty-Third Rule

Madam Justice
Rules are made to be broken… Only because I prefer to be a victor. But for now, the rule stands: I’m a survivor.

What? Well? Why? Oh! And my name is Will. As I begin most of my days I remember this, Madam. I remember him. My firstborn son, my Braxton, is gone. And he’s not coming back. Did I Outwit, Outplay, Outlast him. No, I’m unlucky and unfortunate. I am not unalived as the youth say these days. “Beware of an old man in a profession where men usually die young.” I wish I felt that strong. Or that I was that smart. But still, I survive.

And I come to you on Sunday, May 5, 2024. If I were one for prayer… Besides for B’s life. I would pray I don’t have to see this again. But for as STUPID as I am together, we cry…

I’m a survivor! I swear.

I spoke to you earlier today and asked the question… Why. And I’m not for gratitude, I’m sorry to say. And you could have it all. My empire of dirt. If I’d see Braxton again. Madam, I also want Virgil (2V) to be Safe and Sound… I swear I need to turn off the music.

Anyway, what have I survived? I already wrote the Six Impossible Things list today. But…

The worst thing that could happen. And that, again, was losing my son. Braxton passed. Behind that is the thirty-nine years I’ve been alive, each day becoming the worst. There’s the Day Job. I don’t wanna go to work. I don’t wanna work tomorrow. Gratitude, right, Dear Madam. To provide…

To survive. So, number four would be my Old Man. Don’t I sound ungrateful, Madam? Five would be The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. And add to that The Cherry Collision. One of these days, I’ll tell you what that all is about. Such Humiliations Galore.

But isn’t that me breaking the rule? Since I won’t tell you how I survived. Or I could be like… THEM. And make my losses triumphs. I could “whitewash” history. But I’m not a liar. And I’m nowhere near as bad as Kristi Noem. Where’s B III again? How’s Virgil?

That leads me to number six. I write to you, the girls, B III, and the man in the mirror. It’s hard, but I survive. The Survivors Will Write History.

“A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys” ― Andrew Ryan, Bioshock

1198 Days Without B III, Day 639 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 314 ~B Powerful Virgil, Or…~

“Get locked up; they read books to pass the time.” Or write them. And in the middle are book reviews because what else am I doing? I’m not locked up. I just stay “home” with the storms and DISH Network being out. Such is Power. B Powerful Virgil, Or…

Friday, May 10, 2024

Tale 314 ~B Powerful Virgil, Or…~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… And no, it’s not about a big, brave dog. Braxton’s gone. And Virgil? Thou Art Courageous…

NOT!!! But to be wise, seek out wisdom, and be WOKE, as THEY say these days, is scary. Only I need a reason to wake up at all. And for that, Sophia, I will give you four words: “So then what happened?” So, Lady Sophia, I read stories of bravery and pretty women, Big Uns.

So, nothing about Braxton anymore? Not even yesterday, after I finished two more blog posts. I did work on some of “my” poetry book, “GULP.” Writing is a superpower… Ha!

Saving Braxton was not. But I can’t help but think that if I weren’t at the Day Job—more to the point, if I wasn’t enraged there—I wouldn’t have been indifferent towards Braxton. And he’d be alive instead of…

Well? A story—two stories, to be precise. They are still sitting here as I read about everything and nothing. Francis Bacon said, “Knowledge Is Power.” George Orwell warned that “Ignorance Is Strength.” But again, what have I been reading? Another novel from Logan Jacobs. According to “my” last saved quotes—dare I say, I’m gaining something like a brain?

Even if I was, how many wise people could you say have any sort of power? And that is what I want. But this week has been a show of my lack of power. Because I haven’t been watching anything on DISH Network, have I? The absence of power in my existence, Lady Sophia. And yet I dote on words.

A “Backyard Dungeon 8” Review.

I don’t “8” Backyard Dungeon:

Three stars for family, fighting, and another word starting with F. Four stars for fun. And five wives? Yes, I liked it. But love. This is the eighth book in the series, but it’s still not there. It reads like a demonic sitcom with some softcore mixed in. Nice! My favorite part. Being somewhat a romantic. I liked the first wife getting her day. And Eddie and the boys. The fighting and other things… Bonus. But while I can let some things in this book slide… Uh, Nictors? And even Scourge. I keep this good ole’ boy romp from friends.

Weirdly, I can be negative about someone else with power. Yet I have none. Virgil doesn’t. B Powerful Virgil, Or…

1195 Days Without B III, Day 636 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will