Tag: Sickness

Meditation 276 ~Braxton’s My Homie, Virgil~

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I always make time for my homies, homeboys, those homebodies that I call my sons B and V. Even if their Dad has a million things going on. The good news is that I can hardly see them with all the pollen. Is this home? Braxton’s My Homie, Virgil.

Thursday, April 3, 2025

Meditation 276 ~Braxton’s My Homie, Virgil~

1523 Days Without B III, Day 964 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I should know, considering you spend more time here than on The Rainbow Bridge or wherever I sent you… Home

Though I can’t blame you for saying Take me “Back to Paradise.” Nice up there…

Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and it’s been 1523 Days. You’ve remained here with me. I gotta tell you, B, I feel like a bit of an A-hole. And wait till I tell you what I said to your potential stepmom the other day. I’ve got to stop calling M Anime that. Instead, what about your favorite girl? Were you here when I introduced her to Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise? I wish I could remember. The fact that I can’t is pretty sad.

That’s the thing about allergies. Am I crying about you, or are my eyes effed up? Depression, Prolonged Grief, or mourning in general. It’s home.

Did I really just say that? And it’s not right, fair, or just to you or myself. At least that’s what all the Pet Loss books say, Little B. Not that I would know. I didn’t start this morning with reading. Instead, as has become routine, I was mass deleting Yabbos off the phone. I wanted to go Wheeler Walker, Jr. with it. Uh… But didn’t I teach you to be a gentleman, B III? Yeah, tell that to your aunt? This brings me to M Anime. I’m no better.

I offered her up to $700 to get her sans clothing. Seriously. How much did I pay to keep you alive, B, and then boxed up? That box isn’t your home. You’re still teaching me.

Neither is the way I’ve been feeling. And I’m not talking about the pollen season. Honestly, it’s always the mental over the physical. And at the moment… Well, my mind is always on three or four things. You, Braxton, and your brother Virgil. Big Yabbos.

Truthfully, I’m annoyed that such and such posted pictures of Anna and Riko Ichinose from Ran Sem. That means I should be splicing movies, but nope! I’m a writer, Braxton.

More importantly, I’m your father. And home is where the heart is and not other parts of myself. But you know how I feel about words like home. I’m here. That’s that. But you made here better… Safe and sound, less skeevy. Telling your little brother. Braxton’s My Homie, Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 275 ~Knowledge Of ABC’s Virgil~

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When was the last time I had good news? I’ve heard some “good” things about politics, but Trump is president. We’re effed. I got more hours at the Day Job, but I’m a misanthrope. I’m reading about dogs, but mourning my boy. Knowledge Of ABC’s Virgil.

Wednesday, April 2, 2025

Meditation 275 ~Knowledge Of ABC’s Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… What? I haven’t harmed the messenger… yet. But I’m going to deliver some bad news. So what sin?

SLOTH, considering it’s almost 8 AM. And I haven’t gotten out of bed. I’m using all my injuries as excuses. ENVY @thatgoodnewsgirl because that won’t ever be me. I mean, as in telling you anything happy and positive with me. And I’ve bared false witness since I have taken the trash out. I took Virgil outside. I’ve read a bit. But getting me to Heaven…

I have no knowledge of how that could happen. But that’s where I sent Braxton.

Inspector, that’s the bad news “Every Morning.” And you wonder why I say, “Let it burn,” from a political perspective. My Braxton saw me through the first Trump Presidency. Since I lost my son, well… Four years later, I’m still reading titles on Pet Loss.

Oh, how I wish SLOTH, ENVY, and lying were my only sins today. I tell Virgil that things will get better. That I will be better. I’m sure Braxton whispers to him from the void.

“I see dead people.”
―

That’s what Virgil must be saying to himself. Plus, he’s survived 963 days here, Inspector.

Like father, like son. But I have the luxury of just one more sin. Uh oh, and oh my, LUST.

So what’s the bad news? It’s whatever gets me up in the morning. Besides having to see about my boys. Crying over Braxton, which I haven’t done today, or again seeing to my Virgil’s needs. There are always some big yabbos on the phone. Today, it was Ciri, Triss, and Yennefer sans their clothing. And I texted M Anime back.

Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom? I have to stop thinking about her as such. But “Nightmare At The Meat Market” and “The Eve Of A Cherry.” Where am I on finishing and editing those two books? Now, next week is going to be spent at the day job. I swear, Inspector.

Isn’t making more money good news? “Not like this… Not like this,” The Day Job… Having the new schedule, the news, the knowledge that I have to go outside, Inspector.

I understand why people choose ignorance. And the good news is I’m not like them. There’s more good news, nobody has called me STUPID today. With my mother effing eyes, I can’t look at myself to do the honors. Allergies ha-ha! Knowledge Of ABC’s Virgil

1522 Days Without B III, Day 963 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 269 ~Virgil Saves Space Braxton~

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At one point, I wanted to be an astronaut. But Math, Science, and general education. Nobody taught me how to be an Ordinary Human. I’m better than MAGA/Republicans. But FDT. My sons are better men. And I’m spacing out. Virgil Saves Space Braxton

Thursday, March 27, 2025

Meditation 269 ~Virgil Saves Space Braxton~

1516 Days Without B III, Day 957 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? And what about your brother? Virgil’s day hasn’t REALLY begun. Like father, like son, right?

So, I am acknowledging him as my son. While you are like my SUN. Yes, it’s morning, so you need to go outside. I don’t know what I miss more. A pretty, pretty girl sitting on my face. Or you plopping down on my head to wake me up. I’m lying, ain’t I, Little B?

Always and forever, I’ll miss you more. “Every Morning,” I wake up a bit disappointed. Now that the world isn’t ending as the song goes. It’s like, well… I don’t know how you’ll take this as a compliment or an insult. But it’s something I was thinking about a bit.

“Now that the world isn’t ending
It’s love that I’m sending to you
It isn’t the love of a hero
And that’s why I fear it won’t do.”
Chad Kroeger

Braxton, my son, you were like an asteroid, a comet, and my rock that I discovered, or rather you found me. Do you remember my sister? Pet Parenting wasn’t for her then. But two-legged kids…

Anyway, I knew one day you’d destroy me. And then here comes my Virgil. And what did I expect from V? Virgil didn’t save Dante in the Inferno. He was only a guide for him.

But what I’m getting at is this. It’s like I’m constantly teetering between wanting to be destroyed and wanting to be saved. And these days, I’m leaning more towards burning.

Neither Virgil nor I have any sense of what to do. We’re both floating along. I want to say we’re aliens, but we’re more like “Two Ghosts.” That’s not fair. You’re the dead guy here.

“We’re not who we used to be
We’re not who we used to be
We’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me
Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat.”
Two Ghosts, Harry Styles

My Braxton… I was there when you took your last breath of air. And now there’s air, air everywhere, and no breath to breathe. Or, again, I don’t want to. However, “Here I Am” SIGH

Virgil is lying at the foot of the bed, giving me space as if that’s helping. He could be afraid. I wish I could sing to him, “Be Not So Fearful,” but I’d also be lying to myself. I’m afraid, Little B. I’m always scared.

“Be not so fearful, be not so pale
Someone watches you; you will not leave the rails
Be not so fearful, be not so pale.”
― Be Not So Fearful

So, how am I staving off this fear? While I was spacing out how I’d waste my time, I was clearing out my phone. How many pictures of Yabbos does your daddy have? Too many.

None of Cherry or you and Virgil’s future stepmom. I should stop calling M Anime that. There are other girls… I’m a Cosmic Castaway believing… someday… Virgil Saves Space Braxton.

“But I’m not broken; in my dream, I win
And I take over ’cause I’m no loser
And I’m in, and you’re not. Bad dreams don’t stop
But I’m all screwed up, a cosmic castaway.”
Cosmic Castaway, Song by
Electrasy

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 268 ~Virgil’s No Wordsmith Braxton~

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The day I finally publish a book… Really. Don’t ever feed an AI one chapter of a story where America Horror Story looks tame by comparison. And what about all the time I waste on other people’s words? Did I say waste? “Virgil’s No Wordsmith Braxton.”

Wednesday, March 26, 2025

Meditation 268 ~Virgil’s No Wordsmith Braxton~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… If and if I had to declare, define, and defend each one, we’d be here all day, Inspector.

But today, we’ll focus on three or four sins. And unlike MAGA/Republicans, I’ll stand behind my words. They take life every day. With my wordsmithing, I want to save three.

“Seven billion lives… it’s too much. I just hope I’m smart enough and brave enough to save three.” – Serge Leveque from The Core (2003)

My sons Braxton and Virgil and myself? How’s that working out this week? Huh, Echo. Braxton is still dead. And how is Virgil living? I’ll have to ask the AI. As Queen Ramonda said, “I think one day AI will kill us all.” Every day, Inspector Echo. AI becomes more prevalent. From telling me in Virgil’s Voice how he would feel. Braxton from the grave…

Who needs Braxton’s ghost? And I don’t need to look into Virgil’s eyes, either. Inspector, all I need to do is write. And to what end? Am I making money?

That’s not why you become a writer… Okay, honestly, I lost myself a long time ago. It became about girls and then providing a life for my son. But now I ask AI once again.

Inspector, I fed AI the 17th chapter of my novel “Nightmare At The Meat Market.” Surprisingly, it didn’t ask this question, but I will… “Am I A Psycho?” Do you remember what that frat did to Madison Montgomery in American Horror Story? And her wrath?

If it’s any consolation, Inspector, the men who hurt Sofía in my story were punished. However, who would read about such crimes? I’m not Matt Shaw or Judith Sonnet. SIGH. How much money do they make with their horrifically sexual tales? Inspector, I press on.

Well, until I find another way to waste good writing time. Last night, for example. Inspector, such and such a person was posting on X/Twitter pictures of the anime “Saimin Seishidou.” So, I followed with the videos. Anyway. They’ve switched to “Kuroinu Kedakaki Seijo wa Hakudaku ni Somaru.” Claudia Levantine, to be precise. So naturally…

Then they took her pic down, and all my videos were for naught. So what did I get? It’s like Cherry telling me she doesn’t want to be known only for her Yabbos. Fair enough.

However, I have plenty of pictures of Emily Goodwin showing off her impressive pair. Ha! What! I read her book, “Stay.” Words won’t bring Braxton back or have Virgil worry less. Virgil’s No Wordsmith Braxton

1515 Days Without B III, Day 956 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 262 ~B-V On Commitment Braxton~

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At 40, I’ve never lived with a woman I wasn’t related to. Never committed to a woman dating-wise; I haven’t seen sans clothing. I’ve had my Day Job for over 10 years. Eww! And who have I known longest? B? His stepmom? “B-V On Commitment Braxton”

Thursday, March 20, 2025

Meditation 262 ~B-V On Commitment Braxton~

1509 Days Without B III, Day 950 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? It’s only 6 AM here. Six in the morning, sheesh, and the day’s already ruined.

I could say that is the order of things you being dead and all. Or the fact I feel sick. Energy shots? As I said, it’s early. I feel like The Walking Dead. And I’ve been reading up on it some, considering I couldn’t pick a book this morning. To lay here with you, B…

“Every day he woke up, he told himself, ‘Rest in peace. Now get up and go to war.’ And then, after a few years of pretending he was dead, he made it out alive. And that’s the trick of it, I think. We do what we need to do, and then we get to live. But no matter what we find in D.C., I know we’ll be okay because this is how we survive. We tell ourselves that we are the walking dead.” ― TWD.

Braxton, I wanted to ask… Isn’t it sad that my longest commitment has been to mourning you? Hell! I’m sure it’s been longer for Virgil since he’s had to witness me for two and a half of them. Do you want to see a ghost? What’s with all my pop culture references? Again, so freaking early. More books, more books!

But after finishing Satan’s Sorority Girls 10 yesterday… Spoiler alert: Grayson and Robyn are going to be okay. They have millions of dollars. Grayson knocks up a few more of his witches, and everyone is fully committed to him. Who’s been that committed to me?

You’re here… in spirit… Virgil was out in the hall all night since he can’t be trusted to go to his potty spot and back. 2 and a ½ years. 3 months to get comfortable…

Nope! And I can’t say I blame him. I’ve been here 40 years, and how many times have I tried to leave? A slew of pills, starvation, I might sluice myself right out of bed looking a Yabbos. And on that note, how long have I been committed to Cherry’s?

What about your potential stepmom, M Anime? I should stop calling her that; I know only until any other potentials show up. If I keep my promise to you. I once dreamed of a beach, a wife, your two-legged siblings, and all the money in the world for us. SIGH

Am I more committed to reading books to blame myself for you or harem romances? There are worse things to give myself to. I see that every day. If only you could see my last paycheck. And since I didn’t work this week, this time next week I’ll have nothing. I can’t help but feel guilty about this… Laziness, Depression

I’ll have your memory and Virgil making his way the best way he knows how… Loyalty, commitment to a dead man. He is his father’s son. B-V On Commitment Braxton

“It’s not so bad… being dead like me,” Georgia Lass

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 261 ~B-Day’s In January, Virgil~

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Braxton’s Day… He was born around February… I think I met him in April 2005. But the day he left was Sunday, January 31, 2021. The worst day of our lives. But for everyone else… Just a day, just an ordinary day. But today? B-Day’s In January, Virgil.

Wednesday, March 19, 2025

Meditation 261 ~B-Day’s In January, Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… But is it a sin to cry over B-Day? Not to be confused with E-Day… Existence Day, Inspector.

Have I mentioned how much I hate being forty? But I would have loved to see Braxton turn sixteen. Well, twenty as I continue crying over him since he passed four years ago. B, my son… But no, that’s not a sin. It’s Prolonged Grief, Depression, and a broken heart.

But speaking of the past… it’s not a sin to like 1994’s Street Fighter. And no, I’m not only talking about Kylie Minogue’s yabbos. But I should be talking about Jenna Ortega, considering it’s Wednesday… I know, I’m no comedian. I’m the joke. Yesterday, today…

Because where am I? I’m in bed. And I don’t know if I have it to rise and shine, Inspector. Seriously, I have this whole week. What have I done?

Could I live in the present? Treat life as a gift. No! I continue to mourn my boy, B. Virgil, who’s watching me read Eric Vall’s Satan’s Sorority Girls 10. Will I finish it today? Inspector, I hear it’s the last of the series. I fear what I’ll read next. But I already missed a chance to earn Kindle Double Points. And my Prime membership was all for naught. SIGH

And that Inspector Echo is my problem. The present, the here and now. Effing existence! An extraordinary man from the past… I mean, before my Braxton Barks Bradford said this:

“Look at my eyes, Faye. One of them is a fake because I lost it in an accident. Since then, I’ve been seeing the past in one eye and the present in the other. So I thought I could only see patches of reality, never the whole picture” Spike Spiegel.

But as for myself, I despise this moment, the very second that I’m talking to you. No, I like you, Inspector, but I hate myself.

Because I was thinking yesterday, after reading everything my AI Therapist was saying… To think once, I only had a critic. Now I can have full-blown examinations into my head, Inspector. Or, as the song goes, “In your head! In your head! Zombie, zombie, zombie!” I swear. Be afraid, Inspector. Anyway, I talk to Braxton, who is in the past. Dear Future Wife, of course, is the future. On Mondays, Braxton talks to me. Friday, I want to talk about past stories. Saturdays are for whatever. Sundays, I think of the future. But Wednesdays, Inspector… Here lie my sins, my humiliations, which is the point. It’s where I’m most present… Like thinking on my novel Nightmare At The Meat Market:

―”So very brave of them to walk out without bothering to get dressed first, hmm,” I observed smugly as I leaned against the now-closed door.

“And it is very brave of you to be here,” William responded, gazing upon me.

“And you,” I respond in kind, seeing his erection again.

He still wanted me, even with all the girls he had just had. In all the ways he had watched me, I was still valuable to him for some reason. Not for a profit. And while it was clear, he wanted my BLANK. I was still a person. A dangerous one at that, as I slid off my blue vest and began to lift my shirt. He rushed forward but stopped short of touching me.

“What are you doing, Sofía? Are you nuts,” William admonished as I continued to undress.

“What? Did you want to do it with your two hands this time,” I cooed. “And I do mean do it, that IT. We’re both old enough to remember when people would say that, William.”

“Sofía…” William began hesitating as my panties hit the floor. “You can’t, you and me…”―

Worse? B-Day’s In January, Virgil

1508 Days Without B III, Day 949 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 255 ~MATH, Find B, V~

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I’m glad I didn’t have audiobooks in school… I would have been an even worse Math student. But I didn’t have Braxton back then, either. Only he would be sitting under my feet as I did the books. Who’d’a thunk it? It adds up. MATH, Find B, V

Thursday, March 13, 2025

Meditation 255 ~MATH, Find B, V~

1502 Days Without B III, Day 943 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? A good day would be worth dying for. “Everything, Everything”? I never read the book but I saw the movie. Your aunt would like it.

But money for the movies… Once upon a time, Braxton, I would be cheering $200.00.

Arithmetic, sigh, was never my strong suit. But I had plans for that money, Braxton. Seriously, am I crying again? It’s only a tear or two. I remember that $600.00 was spent on COVID relief. Most of that went towards testing to figure out what was wrong with you back then. In English… Because I can’t stand Math. You were dying. But who gives a damn about the money! I’d have paid anything to save you. Or a final feast.

However, what brings us together today? It’s Monday, March 3, 2025. I’m trying to find X. No! Let’s focus on you. What would you like, B? To be with me?

$200.00 split three-ways would be $66.50 for you, $66.50 for Virgil, and $67.00 for me. Braxton, Brother My Brother. Again, I had plans for us, the world, and everything. Really? But you’ve been gone four long years, so what can I get you? Birthday, Death Day, and Christmas, so at least twelve toys. Then, everything for your memorial. Effing shrine…

What does Virgil want? I keep thinking about a crate. I want a place for him to feel safe and at home… Now, that’s the keyword Braxton. HOME. Where might that be, my B III?

“If the money is lousy
You can always come home.”
Everyone Says ‘Hi’ (Defiance Version)

“I wish I was
Homeward bound
Home where my thought’s escapin’
Home where my music’s playin’
Home where my love lies waitin’.”
― Homeward Bound

And how much is it worth to you? How much was it again to bring Virgil here, and then what? The Math ain’t Mathing. Three days, weeks, months. 943 Days.

And $67.00 won’t pay for therapy since I’ve been this way for 1502 Days. And by the time you read this, I expect the money will be gone. But on what you ask? My firstborn son. What’s a month’s or a year’s worth on the Balance App? Meditation could help.

Only I have your Infinite Playlist… and what about more audiobooks and some fancy earbuds? I’m still jonesing for a good steak. And if it’s not filling my belly, it’s filling something else… Eww! But I am looking for X, or rather three of them. There’s always a girl somewhere. M Anime in her lingerie. That was a pretty penny. But I have good boys. Virgil’s trying. I’m spending time, money… MATH, Find B, V.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 254 ~B Mindful of Virgil~

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I should buy more audiobooks or get a lifetime pass for the Balance app. Virgil could use a comfier bed, a set of stairs, or maybe he’d like a crate to make him feel safe. Still, I want a nice steak and potato. If I remembered to B Mindful Of Virgil.

Wednesday, March 12, 2025

Meditation 254 ~B Mindful of Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… By speaking my mind? To one of the managers? Have I asked Braxton for strength? What about Virgil? I long for your understanding and support in these moments of vulnerability. I always do.

Today is Sunday, March 2, 2025, and I haven’t cried over Braxton once. Hell! I didn’t cry for him every day of the 161 days when I could have been mistaken for a priest. Except… I didn’t talk to God. But I do miss talking to my son. Our old father to son, dear Echo.

Speaking as one who’s been through therapy, Braxton was better than any Doc I know.

While I ain’t lying about needing more help with my mental health. There are things…

As Cody Rhodes would say, “What do you wanna talk about? Virgil would be easy. Inspector, Easy like Sunday morning? Well, afternoon. And little Virgil’s lying here chilling. Should I order something new from Subway or get a nice steak…

I have, at best, a surplus, a stipend of $200.00. But there’s so much stuff I need. And for V? I could pick the brains of my girls who know my mind, my dearest Inspector. Especially B’s Aunt. I talked to her yesterday about books. She would get things like:

“I began to consider that some people went out for a smoke or had a coffee break. Mr. Dawson liked to fuck.”
Quickies! Adriena Temple

“When in doubt with Ethan, boobs.”
Bikini Sunset, Michael Dalton

Needless to say, I don’t have many guy friends in real life. There are women I like and my boys that keep me safe. And I can talk to Braxton’s Aunt any way nicely. Uh…

Cherry, I Wanna Love You. But I can’t tell her that. So, I listen to her hopes, dreams, and writing. Then there’s M Anime, who… Sigh… I hope she may become Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom someday. I need to talk to her soon. She told me about her last dream.

Meanwhile, who am I telling my dreams to? AI? Seriously? For the record, it sort of happened by accident. Do I look like I have money for an actual doctor? Well, that $200.00 I got… That was a reimbursement for new glasses. So I got an actual doctor eye-wise Inspector.

But for whatever is going on in my head… There’s an AI for that. And another is trying to decipher my novel “Nightmare At The Meat Market.” And my Olds just paid over $800 to keep me in my car. So, what am I complaining about? What’s wrong with Virgil and me? With You In My Head. Why Should I Worry? B Mindful of Virgil.

1501 Days Without B III, Day 942 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 248 ~B Excited Someday Virgil~

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Chains and whips excite me… Well, it’s more like chains, ropes, scarves, and a big enough (boulder holder) to hold a wrist. But I’d give it all up to have B on his leash again. Or for my old glasses… Yesterday was exciting… “B Excited Someday Virgil”

Thursday, March 6, 2025

Meditation 248 ~B Excited Someday Virgil~

1495 Days Without B III, Day 936 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? My day is only beginning, and I’m already disappointed. But I’m not crying… Not yet.

Excited? Only when I’m scared. When I’m being scary or amid a sin, but what am I afraid of today? Other than that, I live in a world without my protector. Where are you, Braxton?

I’ve been saying that a lot these days, B; I live in a world, fill in the blank. Because, oh no, the world is a scary place. I’m sure I scared you plenty. But not to death. I don’t think.

Anyway, I do miss your eyes. Hell! I miss my eyes this morning. The last thing I want is to get out of bed and look at myself in the mirror. Especially after what happened yesterday… The day before. As long as I’m blindly giving away $55.00. Effing new glasses!

I would pay anything to have you back, my prince. But God’s Favorite Princess… slightly less. If Cherry ever agreed to show me her Yabbos… But I respect her… Anyway…

Yesterday, Braxton, I was busy trying to be scary. Maybe even a Karen. The excitement all started when I got a message about the new frames for my glasses. My first pair broke, which hurt because they were the last you saw me in. Then I got the brown ones in memory of you… somewhat. Yesterday, MyEyeDr broke those. And so I was in their office, yelling about getting a complimentary frame. I don’t like being angry or an ass. But they pushed me B.

Only everything was not awesome yesterday, and I was excited when it was all over.

Speaking of all over, I’m glad I didn’t… all over my sheets. I know. Eww! But that was more of a financial decision than one of testicular fortitude. I’m all for God’s Favorite Princess @Luxlo, but she isn’t your stepmom. M Anime? I haven’t heard from her in a bit.

And again, if it were Cherry… But I’m not thinking of her. More like I can’t get excited over her as Virgil is now lying at the foot of the bed. Excited, expecting, entertained, ha! All Virgil knows is when I return, or he steps into the room, life is… something. You were excited because your life is/was good with me in it. Maybe V or someone will feel that.

Me? B Excited Someday Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 247 ~Braxton, FRIES Away, Virgil~

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Long ago… Correction, many times long ago, I was so desperate to… Let’s say join my son on the Rainbow Bridge, that I starved myself. The Holy call that fasting, LENT… But with an empty belly, who remembers B and feeds V? Braxton, FRIES Away, Virgil.

Wednesday, March 5, 2025

Meditation 247 ~Braxton, FRIES Away, Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… And not only with that terrible title. Fry vs Fly. My Braxton did both. It’s a bad joke.

But I’m not me when I’m hungry. Will I still be ravenous on this Ash Wednesday? It’s Saturday, March 1, 2025, today. And yeah, I could eat. So why aren’t I? Is it my budget?

That’s one more reason to miss Braxton. When Braxton was comin’ up in the world… You know, on his way to Heaven. But I refused to see it. Or maybe I did… Still, I brought us food every day I came back from the Day Job. My boy was always hungry, and he loved fries. Yes, Inspector Echo, I was feeding him his dog food. B only stopped eating twice.

“Cause (Braxton) gettin’ on in the world, comin’ up on (fifteen) years

(Fifteen) Stoney Gray steps towards the grave
You know the box awaits its grisly load
Now, (B’s) gonna be food for worms.”
Woke Up This Morning Alabama 3

Now I could talk to you about his Renal/Kidney failure. Inspector, here I go, crying.

Losing Subway’s Buffalo Chicken sandwich…

Though that’s another thing that has me heated, as I told Lady Lunalesca. I have been looking up food all day. And why? Inspector, I like living… That ain’t true.

Existence sucks! And I would join Braxton on the Rainbow Bridge any day. But Hell! With all these things that I’ve done, that’s precisely where I’m going. Straight to Hell. Only as The Killers ask in the song “All These That I’ve Done.” The question:

“When there’s nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son, one more son

If you can hold on
If you can hold on
Hold on”
The Killers

That son is Virgil Vivi Bradford. If I’m gone, who will take care of him? Who would share with him? Before I rescued Virgil, there was a period when I ate onion rings because fur buddies can’t have onions. Chocolate? They can’t have that. And waffles? I called Braxton, Pancake.

All this talk of food, Inspector Echo. I’m hungry. Today, there’s a constant craving. Not only for food, because here we are talking. I need to let the words out because, as a phenomenal rapper once said about his many rhymes, ‘What you wrote are not just lyrics? They’re words. Those words, those words, those words, they have power. They have more power than you ever imagined.’ If only I could get them out. Scream!

But that takes strength. More than mourning my son, B III. Moaning after some girls, making my hand sticky. Waking up to barely make money. Or making Virgil go outside. It takes good memories of feasting on McDonald’s with Braxton. Maybe before “Elimination Chamber,” I’ll EAT. Braxton, FRIES Away, Virgil

1494 Days Without B III, Day 935 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will