Tag: Sickness

Meditation 142 ~Need More B’s Virgil~

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WARNING: 18+ For elements of the novel I’m writing. Or am I being lazy for writing 405 words instead of (checks notes) 725? I’m here; I’m writing. I need some sleep, as the song goes. I need more Z’s. More like A, B, C, D, etc. “Need More B’s Virgil”

Wednesday, November 20, 2024

Meditation 142 ~Need More B’s Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… And I’m probably gon’ do some mo’, you shouldn’t hold that against me though. Meaning? I’m being lazy.

Yesterday was humiliating… Witches, man. Now, swap the B with a W. Some girls, Inspector.

And I’m worried I didn’t do good work at the Day Job. And what about my chosen vocation? Writing, Inspector Echo? I’m ignoring my editing like I once ignored Braxton. And Virgil? He’s okay… I’m writing. Or so I hope.

Chapter Thirteen: Forgetting The Terms And Conditions
Sofía confronts William, The Director, about working in Richard Thornfield’s sex trafficking. William promises protection while enjoying benefits.

  1. From William’s POV. Begin in William’s house. Sofía rages at William about what she went through at the hotel with Richard Thornfield and others.
  2. William’s other house guest explains that William is only another victim, as they all are. But William can warn Sofía of Richard Thornfield’s plans.
  3. Sofía angrily decides to give herself to William. William warns Sofía that touching isn’t allowed. Sofía then touches the other woman as William watches.
  4. The woman then quietly departs as William and Sofía enjoy each other as they watch one another bring themselves to orgasm. Sofía then leaves.
  5. William reports to Richard Thornfield, who then praises him on his work, Sofía. But demands that William direct a ruthless hardcore scene for Sofía.
  6. William then visits Sofía, telling her of the scene but not revealing his total involvement in its creation. Sofía asks, can William do anything?
  7. Cherry shows up to Sofía and threatens William. Cherry says she’ll reveal everything to Sofía if William refuses her. Sofía watches William and Cherry.
  8. William returns to his house and again calls for company from two girls. Afterward, he lies in bed contemplating the price of Sofía’s freedom.
  9. William discusses with Richard Thornfield the price of Sofía. And offers to continue his work. Richard Thornfield scoffs at the idea. William threatens him.
  10. Sofía begins her scene with several gentlemen, but she now recognizes William there. Despite the rough sex, she is comforted by his presence watching.
  11. William apologizes to Sofía as he sits beside the bed. Cherry comes in trying to concoct her plan to make Sofía undesirable to Richard.
  12. Sofía says that she can’t take more scenes like the one she endured. William decides he must use his funds in more criminal ways.

Need More B’s Virgil

1389 Days Without B III, Day 830 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 136 ~A B Paper Virgil~

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You know why I don’t feel better about my writing. It’s because I refuse to watch the news these days and see the horrible things they’re posting, printing, and prattling about. I’m Shakespeare by comparison. But this will only be “A B Paper Virgil.”

Thursday, November 14, 2024

Meditation 136 ~A B Paper Virgil~

1383 Days Without B III, Day 824 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’ve wasted 40 minutes of mine, at least… Don’t worry, it’s all been sleeping, Braxton.

So what, I’ve traded one vice for another? Considering I put you to sleep… (Gasps)!

Braxton, must I bring that up every day? I still have the paperwork in the Den. Your freedom papers, in a way. But I won’t talk about freedom for much longer anyway with who will be in charge come January. If only we knew how good we had it back then, B. Well, you did. Dogs always know. And even in the end, you begged me to save my paper.

Braxton, you just wanted to come “home.” And when will I tell that story? Madness. Braxton, I didn’t understand my writing, which made me part of the resistance. Well now. The rebellion. Dare I say, righteous? As the world ends…

Not that I can be or write something so profound as “The Man Who Watched the World End” by Chris Dietzel. When did we become a book club again? Anything that keeps me from the news these days. So it’s like old times except this is more than the Day Job. The things I would do… The paper, as in cash, money, I needed to keep you fed. And happy…

Writing? I need to be doing a lot more of that. And yesterday was the first semi-decent day. Braxton, I’ve seen better on your training pads. And what about Virgil. He’s living the high life. He is on the bed, and I haven’t had to kick him out. You know I need private time, sigh…

Speaking of which. And I shouldn’t be telling you this. But I’m always one for coincidences, B. I was looking up a girl for the novel I’m writing… Where have you heard that before? Hmm. Anyway so she was in “Himawari Wa Yoru Ni Saku.” The source said that the movie was released in January of 2021. I swear that month wasn’t good, Baby B.

The month you passed and all. But to think that I would be writing about that girl, you, and looking up what happened on the very day you left? If I had been so studious.

Colleges don’t take my type of writing kindly. Which is weird with what I’m writing now. Everything? Notes to you, Braxton… A B Paper Virgil

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 135 ~Virgil, B Not Embarrassed~

WillLeave a comment

I did a few days in a detention center once. Don’t threaten people in print. OH! I’ve said things to girls… Uh, I know a few angry fathers. OH! Stay away from specific foreign contacts… OH! Why aren’t I the next President? “Virgil, B Not Embarrassed”

Wednesday, November 13, 2024

Meditation 135 ~Virgil, B Not Embarrassed~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… Well, no, Inspector Echo, no, I have not. I identify as the billionaire white guy who became president.

Last night, I stood in the kitchen thinking of this house mess. As I thought of my son, who I took from this world. The boy that I treat with such… I don’t know what, Inspector. But it’s not that I’m playing the role of a Dad again. Didn’t I adopt Virgil? Expectations… Responsibilities… Sacrifices.

As the night wore on, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I would fall short in NaNoWriMo. I’ve burned through the last of my cushion, leaving me with around 21,000 words. When did M Anime share her nightmare with me again? And when I wasn’t writing, I was preoccupied with building a harem. One Piece’s Nami, ‘Landlady,’ a few models and cosplayers. It’s embarrassing, Inspector, to admit these personal failures.

Not when the US elected Donald J Trump as President!

“By all that you hold dear on this good Earth. I bid you stand, Men of the West!!!” ― Aragon

This is not what Aragon meant. I’ve been standing this week, Inspector. Just being STUPID! A failure to this country. You know I have a guilt complex. Talk about representation…

But again, I was in the shower, and I was thinking about all the horrible things I say about women. But have I ever been found guilty of “SA?” Nope! But Trump can be president.

It’s that time of the year again when the Day Job hires certain types of employees. And I may not like it. But I don’t call people names. I don’t talk about camps. I don’t write laws to restrict their rights. Again, I am an equal opportunity misanthropist, dear Inspector.

However, America is not. Hey, I’m just a black man.

And I won’t say I’m an especially good one. I’m the guy who thought Whitney Wright’s “Prom Night” was a bit much. I know more models and European agents than I care to admit. And? B III rests in a box. Instead of feeling the guilt and shame of criminality,

Inspector Echo, I see the criminal who has risen from the ash. I watch the darkness descend upon this country and scream out. What’s My Crime? Any embarrassment? Some shame?

There are no such things if I were to run for office. But I respect women too much. I don’t demonize the poor. I don’t care who people marry. OUR kids should be educated, Echo.

Only This Is America. Eff TRUMP! Virgil, B Not Embarrassed

1382 Days Without B III, Day 823 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 129 ~An Enormous Blank, B~

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I bet people are still drawing a blank on who won the presidency. Please be Kamala! PLEASE BE KAMALA! But here I am, talking to the ghost of my best friend. Or a harem girl. The Man In The Mirror. A future wife. But next Monday… An Enormous Blank, B.

Thursday, November 7, 2024

Meditation 129 ~An Enormous Blank, B~

1376 Days Without B III, Day 817 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Seeing how we’re talking from days away. You know how today turned out. Bad? Whatever.

At least I don’t have to tell you I don’t want to talk about it. I’d just flop down, Braxton.

A “Blank Space” Baby B. Am I thinking about Taylor Swift right now? REALLY? NOPE!

I wish all of my humiliations, hedonistic tendencies, and hunger were all blanks. What am I talking about? What will I be doing for dinner tonight? By the time you see this… I should have a little cash to eat. But that’s not the only reason my stomach’s in knots.

It’s election Day, the better of the E-Days. Do we have a new president yet? I’m rooting for Kamala Harris, you know, B. “First, let me explain that I’m just a black man.” This world is tough enough without you.

And we were always prepping for when the dead walked the Earth. If MAGA won… What would the world be, B? Talk about emptiness, the Endless void, simply the end.

Something so Enormous… I know Braxton, positive vibes. I’m not one for prayer. I hope.

But what do you hope for Braxton? Have I decided to let you speak on Monday? I don’t know. At this moment, I’m still drawing a blank on what I will do. No Rules! Run!

MAGA has a ton for me but not for themselves. And again, I’m not the most “Law Abiding Citizen.” If it isn’t the government or TRYING… to be a gentleman, it’s the GD Day Job.

Monday, November 4, 2024. I’m not even giving myself a break, doing some other BS. Braxton, if I could only let my mind go blank to escape today’s humiliation smorgasbord.

Anyway, let’s talk about us and my thoughts at said hellhole. Working the Day Job! “Brother, my brother…” “Brother, brother, brother…” I told you I’m not listening to Taylor Swift. Blessid Union of Souls and Marvin Gaye. Ok… Reproduction. Conception.

I was thinking how much Christmas… music annoys me and started thinking about the two other ‘holidays’ I get off. The day you passed and the anniversary of my Ma’s biggest effing mistake. I swear…

My Existence. But could I give you yours back? I’ve started reading Pawprints from Heaven. Will you be speaking to me next Monday, Braxton? I long for our connection, mind, heart, and soul, the page… maybe. An Enormous Blank, B

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 128 ~Son Of A B~

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Remember, Remember the 5th of November. I wish I could forget it. Hell! I don’t know what’s happening now. I’m avoiding X/Twitter, Instagram, and everywhere else. Reading about failing my son beats reading about failing my country. “Son Of A B.”

Wednesday, November 6, 2024

Meditation 128 ~Son Of A B~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… What the Eff! Eff, Eff, Eff! “Eff you, eff you and eff you! Who’s next?” (Coming to America)

This Is America! And I am ashamed to call myself an American. That is if everything I have been seeing is right. Inspector Echo… I went to bed last night saying, “I don’t feel so good.” And this morning… Well, there have been tears. And that’s my crime for today.

Not one of them has been for my son Braxton. M Anime and Cherry texted and asked how I was feeling. I dared to say that this is reminiscent of my son’s passing. Can’t be

When I looked into Braxton’s eyes and said, “I’m sorry. I tried. I’ve done everything I can, but I can’t save you. Please forgive me!” Yesterday, I did my best, Inspector Echo. You know me. I’m an effing misanthrope! But I voted for the people who I believed would bring positive change. And now, I’m left wondering what will become of them and me, Inspector?

As I said, I did my best. But winners go home and eff the prom queen! Yasmina Khan, Jessie Rasberry, the Midnight Sleazy Train series and even Cherry’s melons… No prom queens. Though if I know MAGA and the dictator… excuse me, next president’s taste…

Inspector, that’s one more way I know this isn’t good. I had no desire when B was gone, and now? I feel sick to my stomach. I want to silence everything. And what I’m seeing…

SUCKS!!! Everything sucks! Does that include the book I’m reading? Like I said, Inspector, since I haven’t been “getting off…” No Nut November, Election News, and the nothingness I feel.

Jack McAfghan: Pawprints from Heaven: How to Communicate with Your Pets in the Afterlife. I was lost before I finally got it up to talk to you, Inspector. Any comfort?

Honestly, I don’t know. It’s kinda preachy. Kate McGahan’s dog, Jack, is preaching to her and all of us. But I can see Braxton saying some of this stuff as well. I am not a prophet or philosopher. Braxton is not the “Son of a Preacher Man.” But Braxton is trying… Faith, hope, and love

Inspector. Braxton was supposed to be my apocalypse partner. And we are on the verge.

Talk about “I saw the sign.” Or coincidence… It’s was the fifth of November. I’ve watched V for Vendetta reactions with Virgil/V. Waiting for what now. Son Of A B

1375 Days Without B III, Day 816 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 122 ~Can’t B Bothered Virgil~

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It’s Halloween! What am I? A corpse? The TWD variety? Maybe? I’m still talking to B from across the Rainbow Bridge. And what about Virgil? Well, he’s not worried about chocolate poisoning. I’m not an ordinary human. Can’t B Bothered Virgil.

Thursday, October 31, 2024

Meditation 122 ~Can’t B Bothered Virgil~

1369 Days Without B III, Day 810 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? If only I were busy writing books about a dead man. You B. But instead…

If I had my way, “Wouldn’t It Be Nice,” to sit on the loveseat. You, me, and your favorite girl. Your honorary Aunt. I’m not an optimist or positive in any way. Sometimes, I think the last of my goodness left with you, like something out of Silent Hill. Braxton?

Don’t ask me why, but that’s the feeling that came over me some time ago. Today is Friday, October 25, 2024. But even before I got my latest schedule… Sigh. “I Gotta Feeling,” that “every little thing gonna be alright.” Am I thinking about throwing a Halloween party? No! Your Dad would never. I only want to watch horror movies. Braxton, those were the best nights. Though you didn’t care for the zombie genre, right?

Anytime The Walking Dead, Fear The Walking Dead, or anything related came on, I turned into Lieutenant Dan… “Get down! Shut up! One more nightly exploit I excluded you from. Though I didn’t mind that you saw the Dead. When I needed my private time…

Well, your Daddy becomes a monster. That’s why I always sent you to your room. Virgil doesn’t seem to mind that I am a zombie. But I can be worse. Except he only gets into trouble when I go to the Day Job. He doesn’t guard me when I take naps. He does walk the hallway because I won’t let him in the room until he learns to go outside, or more so on his training pad. I swear, Braxton.

How long did it take you to stop being a little monster? Please! The vets knew those chompers of yours. And you couldn’t stand your Aunt for eight months. Courageous.

Your Aunt is a courageous woman, but what are you, Braxton? A Halloween ghost? Hmm. A zombie like your Old Man. I was the one that had to put you down. Again, it’s like something out of I Am Legend. Am I making a movie list for Halloween? Don’t I wish.

We’re finishing this talk on Sunday, October 27, 2024. Just now… Busy with Virgil? Nope! Your Dad hasn’t become a good man for Halloween. Not even a costume. Playing Dead?

Aren’t I always? Virgil’s Chips from Dawn of the Dead. Can’t B Bothered Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 121 ~We’ll B Saving Virgil~

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To save Virgil, I would have never come back. I would have picked him up, put him down, and pet the dogs next time. I could have saved Braxton if I knocked a lot of people to the floor. Saving myself? I don’t have a cape. “We’ll B Saving Virgil”

Wednesday, October 30, 2024

Meditation 121 ~We’ll B Saving Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… And no, I don’t mean waking up super late. It’s 8:20 AM. Or looking at… sending dirty pictures.

SINS, nevertheless. But not REALLY bad ones… Must I once again return to what I did to my son? Not a day goes by that I forget that Braxton’s gone. Have I not given everything!

The only answer, “More, more, more.” And so here lies Virgil, my “second-born” son, who is very much alive and well, Inspector Echo. A four-year-old.

I ask myself, does he get jealous. As I sit here at the edge of” the bed… “Ooh, it makes “me wonder.” What? About all my pop culture references. Because the voices in my head…

Inspector, it has been a mess for a few days. And when I say that, I mean around forty years’ worth. Give or take fifteen years. Anyway. It seems Virgil is pushing me away from Braxton’s “Shrine.” I’m no hero.

Far from it… This leads me to my fourth greatest sin this week… thus far. One is Braxton’s passing. The next is waking up. The third is continuing to fail Virgil. He went from “I Believe I Can Fly,’ And “Fly Like An Eagle” to “Dear Heaven.” The music, sigh.

And in case you are wondering why I’m not listening to Lofi Girl. Well, I get a day off, and instead of being productive… Uh, you and me are talking. I look up such depravity.

However, yesterday, I was headed to the Day Job. Outside this house, I saw a fur buddy walking alone in the dark. Why didn’t I save him? Why didn’t I even try? You know why…

The DAY JOB, Inspector. Working there has taken so much.

I can’t save myself from that place. The DAY JOB, short of my own two hands, took my son away from me. And here’s a third life that could have been lost because of my inaction. When I came back, I saw someone had found him and was trying to bring him home. But what about me, Inspector. I could have done something, anything. Inspector?

I don’t have to be some celebrity, fad, or influencer. Talk about “Hey Jealousy,” Inspector.

I don’t have to be a best-selling writer. my writing Inspector… It’s so much worse.

Worst is being a man of inaction. GOP politicians, specific photographers, a budding career in por… being an adult. Villainy, sickness, whatever. I dream, though. Someday. We’ll B Saving Virgil

1368 Days Without B III, Day 809 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 115 ~Braxton, Will, Madmen… Virgil~

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I wouldn’t call myself a good man. Other than having an Enormous Peni… And liking Yabbos, Black, White, Asian, Latina, Middle East all over, some big ones across the pond. Madness. This is Willie! And I’m a bad guy, duh. Braxton, Will, Madmen… Virgil

Thursday, October 24, 2024

Meditation 115 ~Braxton, Will, Madmen… Virgil~

1362 Days Without B III, Day 803 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? “My” day is just beginning. But don’t ask me how I feel… Or should you…

Isn’t It Ironic, B? I was thinking about this at the Day Job yesterday. Remember how when I was in school, your granddaddy would ask me how my day was? “I don’t want to talk about it,” I’d say. And then after the Day Job, you would ask me how my day was… My answer.

“I don’t want to talk about it…” Your granddaddy is in his sixties and you’re in the ground. Well, a box. Whatever. Speaking of things, rather words that cause trouble.

Madness, Baby B. I don’t know what I was thinking yesterday or this morning. An hour or two costs a lot. Sorta like Yabbos. Which is why I warned you…

As Will Smith sang about:
“Listen, homeboys don’t mean to bust your bubble. But girls of the world ain’t nothing but trouble” Girls Ain’t Nothing But Trouble by DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince.

So, I know you and me and all other people have talked about plenty since you… I don’t know. I’m not really feeling the word died. It implies you’re gone, and I need you more than any set of Yabbos. Moved on? That’s the same thing. Transitioned? Now that’s a loaded word. Anyway, I’m going to tell you about what happened yesterday. Because with what happened this morning. My actions. Eww! But Cherry could say she still does it for me. Yabbos I’ve never seen… I need to talk to her this morning. But I’m here talking to… Pure Imagination…

Braxton Squared. You know, one of my favorite heroes is The Incredible Hulk. And why?

“That’s my secret Cap. I’m always angry.” Dr. Bruce Banner

What really sets me off, B is the fact that I’m still here, alive and breathing. And for what hmm…

So I’m “awake and alive” Wednesday morning because of some Yabbos and a cute butt.

Now everybody know I’m a mother effing monster, a savage. And other songs from Tillie Cole’s Sick Eff Playlist (rolls eyes). But the universe tends to remind me lest I forget. So I get to the door, and the boss starts screaming while cute butt smirks. So, I scare people?

There’s more. I’m still so mad standing at my locker that I start playing “I Hate Everyone” by Get Set Go,” sigh. Am I in trouble? I don’t know, but I know that was a madman thing to do. And I’ve been wondering. If only I could have shared my emotions so candidly with you. Pets, hugs. 2-V is here.

Feelings… Braxton, Will, Madmen… Virgil

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 114 ~I’ll B Running Virgil~

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Did I outrun love or did B outrun me? God is Love… My Braxton is Love. He nearly made it to 16. Virgil is a quarter of the way there at 4. But what am I really running my mouth about today? Drowning in emotion or an energy shot. I’ll B Running Virgil

Wednesday, October 23, 2024

Meditation 114 ~I’ll B Running Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… Like the MAGA hats, if I’m breathing, I’m lying. But instead of asking why. Let’s focus on how.

For the record, today is Saturday, October 19, 2024. (Record Scratch) “Yup, that’s me; you’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation.” Honestly? I downed an energy shot and decided to clean up Braxton’s yard. Shouldn’t I go start calling it Virgil’s yard? He turned four on Sunday. What was I doing when Braxton was that age? Sigh…

That’s the thing, Inspector. It’s not why I was his father. His Dad, but how. Don’t worry, your pretty head; we’ll get to females in a minute. Braxton found me. Love is louder and faster. Did I ever tell you I wanted to run track in school, Inspector Echo? Running.

I wasn’t in school when he found me, but he kept up. I carried him. My little boy B III.

Well, when he grew older. I’m never going to stop missing him. And I’m never going to stop saying how much being forty sucks. Thirty-nine, thirty-eight, thirty-seven… All the way “Back at One.” Again, Girls, Girls, Girls, comes later. But a couple of hours ago, in the backyard, much like at the Day Job, I started having terrible thoughts. “My future? It’s coming on, it’s coming on, it’s coming on.” And that means failure, fewer dollars, and the magic word, Inspector. FEAR! I’m awake because I’m afraid of everything. Everyone!

Echo, it’s all of the time. Ask me to name a fear off the top of my head. Water. Drowning.

I say I’m going to overflow like Mamimi Samejima from FLCL. And here we go.

If I’m not sweating because of some phantasm in “my” nightmares. Catching some form of the plague. Or doing public works. Uh, cleaning up the yard for puppies or neighbors.

Then I’m up because of my… A private part of my anatomy. Not so private for $5.00 or $100 for “The Full Monty” face and all. Pumping my life away. However, I wonder if energy shots REALLY help me push myself forward or if it is The Placebo effect. The constant questioning and self-doubt are a part of me now.

Whatever it is, Inspector, it has me at the dining room table and not swimming in sheets upstairs. And I can’t swim. Not without some pretty chick with giant floaties. AKA nice Yabbos. But somehow, Braxton kept me on solid ground. I’ll B Running Virgil

1361 Days Without B III, Day 802 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 108 ~A Bargain Braxton… Virgil~

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I’m reading a story I’d never share with B. And on Sundays, he knew to shut up so I could watch The Walking Dead. Could I give up the Dead for him? Sure. What about the WWE? Yep. Cheap, tawdry addictions for my son’s life? “A Bargain Braxton… Virgil”

Thursday, October 17, 2024

Meditation 108 ~A Bargain Braxton… Virgil~

1355 Days Without B III, Day 796 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Was my day exhausting? I’m sure. Humiliating? Of course. Am I being a meanie? Um…

I don’t like lying to you, B. If I hadn’t lied to you before, who knows? I would have seen you couldn’t handle my RAGE, and I could have gotten you help sooner. Now Virgil…

Virgil doesn’t deserve my WRATH. And I’m not that mean. If anything, I’m still grieving. From Sunday, January 31, 2021 to Thursday, October 17, 2024. And for the record, today is Sunday, October 13, 2024. Since we’re talking today, you know this week is Hell.

Braxton, every week without you feels… I don’t know. Bargain Basement Cheap. You’re bargaining with me to breathe for one more day. And in case you don’t get it (you were always so bright). Bargaining is the word for today. So, what brought this on?

Your guess is as good as mine. But while I was reading Everything Dies: Season One yesterday. I got to thinking. That’s never a good thing. Anyway, there’s The Five Stages of Grief, and so:

Denial: Your bed remains in the bedroom. Your food and meds are still on the counter after all these years. I haven’t changed the bedroom décor or thrown away clothes. It’s as if I’m still holding on to the hope that you’ll come back, refusing to accept the reality of your absence. But I know.

Anger: I hid my feelings, trying to shield you before your passing. I nearly punched out a manager after. You hadn’t been gone half an hour before your grandpa said to get a new “dog.” The anger I felt at that moment was overwhelming, a mix of grief and frustration at the insensitivity of others.

Bargaining: Why we’re here today.

Depression: Common as my anger

Acceptance: This will NEVER happen. The idea of accepting your absence feels like a betrayal, a denial of the love and bond we shared. How can I accept a world without you in it? NEVER!

I could continue always and forever, but the Day Job.

After you passed, I was a monk (Ha-Ha) for 161 days. And what was it that broke me, B III?

My love for you was so easily broken? Now, this isn’t about you. But I tell myself that I would do anything to have you back. And if I were to give up “adult situations…”

Braxton, “I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day.” Indifferent? Zombie-like? Worse?

RAGE, RAVISHMENT, REVOLVISION, the darkness, B. Everything Dies: Season One.

The things I desire, dictate upon the page and do are bargains. Being your Daddy. Braxton, that’s what cost me Everything. And I wonder if I’m failing to pay the cost or don’t want to. To exist? For Virgil? Forty years. A Bargain Braxton… Virgil

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad