Tag: Worry

Meditation 279 ~B Aware Reminded Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Old enough to forget how to breathe. Too harsh? I should have forgotten at 17. Braxton didn’t forget at 15, but he stopped… And whose fault is that? Virgil is 4, and he wonders how I do it. And why I rushed into the rain. B Aware Reminded Virgil

Sunday, April 6, 2025

Meditation 279 ~B Aware Reminded Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… In case you have forgotten, these lights, the water, and the air keeping Virgil TOASTY isn’t yours.

But if you had your way, you’d forget how to breathe. Forty years, but you keep going at it. I forgot to stop too. So it’s not your fault. Only if it keeps raining as it has been for the past hour… FEAR is the strongest advocate for stopping making a mockery of your existence.

But Braxton must be remembered. And Virgil needs his father. He hasn’t gone running yet. Virgil hates the rain. You hate the backyard fence… in the rain. Backyard fence repair.

Yeah, that’s one more thing you haven’t erased from the phone as of yet. You have every reason to quit. I was saying yesterday, after all the pictures of Yabbos, what’s left? A list of failures. My Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Personal Assistant for My Dad’s Best Friend ― Kelli Wolfe
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 003 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Like father, like son. You and Braxton were both constantly looking for comfy spots. Ha! Braxton had his favorite girl. But today, you had no girl in particular. Yet B’s favorite girl. M Anime and Cherry are prominent in your gallery. Like you’d forget them.

However, I don’t need to ask why you’re so down today. Fearing the backyard fence… Sure. But you like the rain. It makes everything slow down. Reminds people of mortality.

Again, Braxton found his wings (a picture on the phone), you’re still breathing (unfortunately), and you’re wrapped up in blankets, shaking in fear. Effing fencing…

Braxton would be ashamed… Probably not. Braxton and Virgil, too, are better men than you. That’s why you rushed into the storm. Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Comfort After Pet Loss; Effectively Cope with… by Xydnee James
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 003, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

One to add is living without fear or, at the very least, “Be Not So Fearful.” Only this comes from a man who nearly creams for a girl at least a thousand miles away, a couple of models, and a ton of anime. Well, not anymore; you reduced the gallery to 300 or so this morning. All left are pictures of your sons, three pretty girls, anime, things that scare you, make you sad, or a smorgasbord of your mind. You need to see this type of stuff. What you need to do is forget all you know. Is there anything that should stay? Memories…

There’s a high school bench. Your First Time. Your son on your shoulder. But FEAR remains. B Aware Reminded Virgil.

1526 Days Without B III, Day 967 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 276 ~Braxton’s My Homie, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I always make time for my homies, homeboys, those homebodies that I call my sons B and V. Even if their Dad has a million things going on. The good news is that I can hardly see them with all the pollen. Is this home? Braxton’s My Homie, Virgil.

Thursday, April 3, 2025

Meditation 276 ~Braxton’s My Homie, Virgil~

1523 Days Without B III, Day 964 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I should know, considering you spend more time here than on The Rainbow Bridge or wherever I sent you… Home

Though I can’t blame you for saying Take me “Back to Paradise.” Nice up there…

Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and it’s been 1523 Days. You’ve remained here with me. I gotta tell you, B, I feel like a bit of an A-hole. And wait till I tell you what I said to your potential stepmom the other day. I’ve got to stop calling M Anime that. Instead, what about your favorite girl? Were you here when I introduced her to Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise? I wish I could remember. The fact that I can’t is pretty sad.

That’s the thing about allergies. Am I crying about you, or are my eyes effed up? Depression, Prolonged Grief, or mourning in general. It’s home.

Did I really just say that? And it’s not right, fair, or just to you or myself. At least that’s what all the Pet Loss books say, Little B. Not that I would know. I didn’t start this morning with reading. Instead, as has become routine, I was mass deleting Yabbos off the phone. I wanted to go Wheeler Walker, Jr. with it. Uh… But didn’t I teach you to be a gentleman, B III? Yeah, tell that to your aunt? This brings me to M Anime. I’m no better.

I offered her up to $700 to get her sans clothing. Seriously. How much did I pay to keep you alive, B, and then boxed up? That box isn’t your home. You’re still teaching me.

Neither is the way I’ve been feeling. And I’m not talking about the pollen season. Honestly, it’s always the mental over the physical. And at the moment… Well, my mind is always on three or four things. You, Braxton, and your brother Virgil. Big Yabbos.

Truthfully, I’m annoyed that such and such posted pictures of Anna and Riko Ichinose from Ran Sem. That means I should be splicing movies, but nope! I’m a writer, Braxton.

More importantly, I’m your father. And home is where the heart is and not other parts of myself. But you know how I feel about words like home. I’m here. That’s that. But you made here better… Safe and sound, less skeevy. Telling your little brother. Braxton’s My Homie, Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 272 ~Spring Braxton and Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I wanted to escape with B. To spring us from the Hell called life. He did. It took about 16 years but he’s free. And V? He’s got the name of someone condemned. And me. Fire in my eyes, and I’m still cold. It must be Spring. Spring Braxton and Virgil.

Sunday, March 30, 2025

Meditation 272 ~Spring Braxton and Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And your Ma would be proud. Bible study on a Sunday morning… Who are you, my friend?

Well, you still can’t answer that. But things could be worse… Eff! Don’t jinx yourself.

Anyway, you could be crying. Okay, you are crying, but not on purpose. Braxton’s death…

No. You’re crying because Spring has sprung, and your eyes are itching and stinging like a Mother Effer. I’m sorry I went outside. Pollen sucks! Did you think it’d get better with age? One more reason being 40 sucks as well. You watched your son die, and you still study:

“Come, ye children, hearken unto me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord.”
Psalm 34:11, King James Version

And before the Christians get super excited, you’ve also been catching up with the Greeks. Phobos and Deimos, to be precise. Why are you studying up on FEAR? Mental anguish trumps physical pain. And you FEAR physical ailments. Oh, and not failing Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Beauty and the Professor ―
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

What’s done is done. Or rather not done. And you’re failing Braxton’s little brother, too. You can’t forget about Virgil. He’s lying at the foot of the bed, which is why you’re not “Humpin’ Around” this very second. You did find risqué pictures of Tifa Lockhart and Aerith Gainsborough. You read some of “Personal Assistant for My Dad’s Best Friend” by Kelli Wolfe. What, and not all of it? Yes, I know, “Sorry, Blame It On Me.” I’m the one who smashed your finger yesterday. I’m “The Reason” your eyes are burning up. I know!

“I’m not a perfect person
There’s many things I wish I didn’t do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say, before I go
That I just want you to know

I’ve found a reason for me.”
The Reason

You have to imagine Cherry’s Yabbos and what she could do with her Cherry lips. You’re wondering if Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom Doo Wop (That Thing). Seriously, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Personal Assistant for My Dad’s Best Friend ― Kelli Wolfe
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

You should also stop referring to M Anime as the stepmom. What are the odds that you two will ever make the bedsprings sing? Not this week or even in this godforsaken season of Spring. Are you looking forward to a “Cruel Summer?” The Bananarama version, not Taylor Swift. What’s with all the music, mattress talk, and manuscripts this morning?

Anything to forget how you feel today. To think I had it bad yesterday. “Look at you; now look at me.” Spring is supposed to be a time of blooming. New marks, mistakes, and mammaries. Mornings are not the time for you. “JEEZU,” you’re just trying to “Hold On” and not miss Braxton too much. Or mention music… Escaping your misery. Spring Braxton and Virgil.

1519 Days Without B III, Day 960 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 269 ~Virgil Saves Space Braxton~

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At one point, I wanted to be an astronaut. But Math, Science, and general education. Nobody taught me how to be an Ordinary Human. I’m better than MAGA/Republicans. But FDT. My sons are better men. And I’m spacing out. Virgil Saves Space Braxton

Thursday, March 27, 2025

Meditation 269 ~Virgil Saves Space Braxton~

1516 Days Without B III, Day 957 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? And what about your brother? Virgil’s day hasn’t REALLY begun. Like father, like son, right?

So, I am acknowledging him as my son. While you are like my SUN. Yes, it’s morning, so you need to go outside. I don’t know what I miss more. A pretty, pretty girl sitting on my face. Or you plopping down on my head to wake me up. I’m lying, ain’t I, Little B?

Always and forever, I’ll miss you more. “Every Morning,” I wake up a bit disappointed. Now that the world isn’t ending as the song goes. It’s like, well… I don’t know how you’ll take this as a compliment or an insult. But it’s something I was thinking about a bit.

“Now that the world isn’t ending
It’s love that I’m sending to you
It isn’t the love of a hero
And that’s why I fear it won’t do.”
Chad Kroeger

Braxton, my son, you were like an asteroid, a comet, and my rock that I discovered, or rather you found me. Do you remember my sister? Pet Parenting wasn’t for her then. But two-legged kids…

Anyway, I knew one day you’d destroy me. And then here comes my Virgil. And what did I expect from V? Virgil didn’t save Dante in the Inferno. He was only a guide for him.

But what I’m getting at is this. It’s like I’m constantly teetering between wanting to be destroyed and wanting to be saved. And these days, I’m leaning more towards burning.

Neither Virgil nor I have any sense of what to do. We’re both floating along. I want to say we’re aliens, but we’re more like “Two Ghosts.” That’s not fair. You’re the dead guy here.

“We’re not who we used to be
We’re not who we used to be
We’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me
Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat.”
Two Ghosts, Harry Styles

My Braxton… I was there when you took your last breath of air. And now there’s air, air everywhere, and no breath to breathe. Or, again, I don’t want to. However, “Here I Am” SIGH

Virgil is lying at the foot of the bed, giving me space as if that’s helping. He could be afraid. I wish I could sing to him, “Be Not So Fearful,” but I’d also be lying to myself. I’m afraid, Little B. I’m always scared.

“Be not so fearful, be not so pale
Someone watches you; you will not leave the rails
Be not so fearful, be not so pale.”
― Be Not So Fearful

So, how am I staving off this fear? While I was spacing out how I’d waste my time, I was clearing out my phone. How many pictures of Yabbos does your daddy have? Too many.

None of Cherry or you and Virgil’s future stepmom. I should stop calling M Anime that. There are other girls… I’m a Cosmic Castaway believing… someday… Virgil Saves Space Braxton.

“But I’m not broken; in my dream, I win
And I take over ’cause I’m no loser
And I’m in, and you’re not. Bad dreams don’t stop
But I’m all screwed up, a cosmic castaway.”
Cosmic Castaway, Song by
Electrasy

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 265 ~A B’s Value Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

“Wake up, Willie. Today is Evaluation Day. The keyword here is “value.” Do you have any?” If I were an author. But how many first drafts? If I were a dad again. I’ll always be Braxton’s. And there’s Virgil. If I weren’t so… Dumb. A “B’s” Value Virgil

Sunday, March 23, 2025

Meditation 265 ~A B’s Value Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… Perhaps you’d be a better one if you’d gotten B’s and read less about Virgil. Dante’s Inferno…

If only you had known, you would be someone’s daddy back then. But you didn’t want to see seventeen. And here you are, forty. Reborn for one more day. And short of a catastrophe, you’ll be here quite a bit longer. Do you want to add them up? It’s 6:30.

Seriously, as the song goes, “Then The Morning Comes.” And we are talking about today. Braxton is still gone… or is he? We’ll get to that. Hopefully, before you forget the thought because your computer is being difficult. Time for an upgrade. And with what money, you think. Since you’re only working three hours at your day job all this week, SIGH. It’s like they don’t need you. Who does? Um, your Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Satan’s Sorority Girls 10 ―
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 003, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

To think, you nearly made it a week with #4, but the VALUE of the moment. Keep that word in mind, VALUE. You’re not going to see the VALUE in yourself, are you? What good would that do? About as much as going to church on any other Sunday, honestly.

You didn’t find your way to one even when Braxton was dying. But you were on your knees anyway. It was to pick up Braxton. To pray for him. And to see once more the person you could be. Someone of VALUE. What brought you to your knees today, friend?

Two girls from Fear The Walking Dead, two gymnasts, and Cherry’s fantastic set of twins.

The VALUE of women. What about money? Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Beauty and the Professor ―
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

You have a whole week to work on them. Well, except for Monday. And it’s only three hours, of what. Worrying about everything. The computer, Day Job, money. Effing everything.

I had a conversation last night with Cherry. Every time she sends an attachment… It’s not your heart that jumps, thinking it’s a picture of her Yabbos. But anyway, since she’s having guy trouble, I looked up that novel I wrote. “The Eve Of A Cherry”. You’ll work on “Nightmare At The Meat Market” for M Anime, but here’s what you were thinking about. Today’s motivation… If you knew you could save Braxton, bring him back, give him the life you promised? What would you do? What’s Braxton’s VALUE? Virgil’s? Yours? A B’s Value Virgil

1512 Days Without B III, Day 953 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 262 ~B-V On Commitment Braxton~

WillLeave a comment

At 40, I’ve never lived with a woman I wasn’t related to. Never committed to a woman dating-wise; I haven’t seen sans clothing. I’ve had my Day Job for over 10 years. Eww! And who have I known longest? B? His stepmom? “B-V On Commitment Braxton”

Thursday, March 20, 2025

Meditation 262 ~B-V On Commitment Braxton~

1509 Days Without B III, Day 950 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? It’s only 6 AM here. Six in the morning, sheesh, and the day’s already ruined.

I could say that is the order of things you being dead and all. Or the fact I feel sick. Energy shots? As I said, it’s early. I feel like The Walking Dead. And I’ve been reading up on it some, considering I couldn’t pick a book this morning. To lay here with you, B…

“Every day he woke up, he told himself, ‘Rest in peace. Now get up and go to war.’ And then, after a few years of pretending he was dead, he made it out alive. And that’s the trick of it, I think. We do what we need to do, and then we get to live. But no matter what we find in D.C., I know we’ll be okay because this is how we survive. We tell ourselves that we are the walking dead.” ― TWD.

Braxton, I wanted to ask… Isn’t it sad that my longest commitment has been to mourning you? Hell! I’m sure it’s been longer for Virgil since he’s had to witness me for two and a half of them. Do you want to see a ghost? What’s with all my pop culture references? Again, so freaking early. More books, more books!

But after finishing Satan’s Sorority Girls 10 yesterday… Spoiler alert: Grayson and Robyn are going to be okay. They have millions of dollars. Grayson knocks up a few more of his witches, and everyone is fully committed to him. Who’s been that committed to me?

You’re here… in spirit… Virgil was out in the hall all night since he can’t be trusted to go to his potty spot and back. 2 and a ½ years. 3 months to get comfortable…

Nope! And I can’t say I blame him. I’ve been here 40 years, and how many times have I tried to leave? A slew of pills, starvation, I might sluice myself right out of bed looking a Yabbos. And on that note, how long have I been committed to Cherry’s?

What about your potential stepmom, M Anime? I should stop calling her that; I know only until any other potentials show up. If I keep my promise to you. I once dreamed of a beach, a wife, your two-legged siblings, and all the money in the world for us. SIGH

Am I more committed to reading books to blame myself for you or harem romances? There are worse things to give myself to. I see that every day. If only you could see my last paycheck. And since I didn’t work this week, this time next week I’ll have nothing. I can’t help but feel guilty about this… Laziness, Depression

I’ll have your memory and Virgil making his way the best way he knows how… Loyalty, commitment to a dead man. He is his father’s son. B-V On Commitment Braxton

“It’s not so bad… being dead like me,” Georgia Lass

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 258 ~Braxton Times Out Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I wanted more time, and I doubt I’ll have 40 hours at the Day Job this week. Ha-Ha! 40hrs, that’s funny. I’m a writer… But what have I written besides a few words looking up ANIME? The type I’d have to send Braxton away for. Braxton Times Out Virgil.

Sunday, March 16, 2025

Meditation 258 ~Braxton Times Out Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And while you missed your chance to watch Fallout, you still get to live your own apocalypse.

And to think you made such plans for you and Braxton once upon a time. But chances are you would be gone Day One Ish. But now that the world isn’t ending, you have the opportunity to grow and evolve. You’re not the same person you were a week ago… And that’s a good thing.

Do you dare to feel any gratitude? I am proud that you remembered to congratulate Braxton’s Favorite Girl on her nuptials with her girl today. The second time’s the charm.

And speaking of The Second Time Around Virgil Vivi is still here after yesterday’s storms. To think he can be scared of something so… NORMAL. As for you? You had another case of FOMO, waking up at 3:00 AM to splice videos of Reika Kurashiki. Seriously, *SAIMIN SEISHIDOU Hypnosis Sex Guidance #5 Obata Natsumi/Kurashiki Reika Already failing, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Life After Pet Loss: Coping with the… by Lynnlee Hunt
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 002, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 003 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

And again, I’m proud that you can accept such failings. It’s not easy, but you’re doing it. Remember what I said the other day? I would NEVER find ACCEPTANCE in Braxton’s passing. And neither will you. But you’re facing it head-on, and that’s something to be proud of. You think…

Could you do something productive instead of sending Braxton or Virgil out? You remember the days when you prayed that Braxton did something that got him sent to his room. All so you could drool over some Yabbos. When did Cherry begin teasing you with hers? You want to be a guy. Like this? A failure of Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Satan’s Sorority Girls 10 ―
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 003, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

I think not. But Braxton had nearly sixteen years to get you ready. You were twenty when you met your son and thirty-six when Braxton died. And what kind of a man are you today?

Today, you don’t want to answer that. But here you are. One more morning, bedridden. More upset that somebody is beating you with an anime blonde’s yabbos because you were ten minutes late. What about getting no time on your Day Job schedule? Needing money…

You are not worthless… You are a wraith. Well, in terms of being a womanizer… You remember Judge Wraith from Fifteen Million Merits. If anything, you’re a wimp. So’s V. You need a time out. Are you trapped? Are you Timing-Out? Braxton Times Out Virgil

1505 Days Without B III, Day 946 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 255 ~MATH, Find B, V~

WillLeave a comment

I’m glad I didn’t have audiobooks in school… I would have been an even worse Math student. But I didn’t have Braxton back then, either. Only he would be sitting under my feet as I did the books. Who’d’a thunk it? It adds up. MATH, Find B, V

Thursday, March 13, 2025

Meditation 255 ~MATH, Find B, V~

1502 Days Without B III, Day 943 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? A good day would be worth dying for. “Everything, Everything”? I never read the book but I saw the movie. Your aunt would like it.

But money for the movies… Once upon a time, Braxton, I would be cheering $200.00.

Arithmetic, sigh, was never my strong suit. But I had plans for that money, Braxton. Seriously, am I crying again? It’s only a tear or two. I remember that $600.00 was spent on COVID relief. Most of that went towards testing to figure out what was wrong with you back then. In English… Because I can’t stand Math. You were dying. But who gives a damn about the money! I’d have paid anything to save you. Or a final feast.

However, what brings us together today? It’s Monday, March 3, 2025. I’m trying to find X. No! Let’s focus on you. What would you like, B? To be with me?

$200.00 split three-ways would be $66.50 for you, $66.50 for Virgil, and $67.00 for me. Braxton, Brother My Brother. Again, I had plans for us, the world, and everything. Really? But you’ve been gone four long years, so what can I get you? Birthday, Death Day, and Christmas, so at least twelve toys. Then, everything for your memorial. Effing shrine…

What does Virgil want? I keep thinking about a crate. I want a place for him to feel safe and at home… Now, that’s the keyword Braxton. HOME. Where might that be, my B III?

“If the money is lousy
You can always come home.”
Everyone Says ‘Hi’ (Defiance Version)

“I wish I was
Homeward bound
Home where my thought’s escapin’
Home where my music’s playin’
Home where my love lies waitin’.”
― Homeward Bound

And how much is it worth to you? How much was it again to bring Virgil here, and then what? The Math ain’t Mathing. Three days, weeks, months. 943 Days.

And $67.00 won’t pay for therapy since I’ve been this way for 1502 Days. And by the time you read this, I expect the money will be gone. But on what you ask? My firstborn son. What’s a month’s or a year’s worth on the Balance App? Meditation could help.

Only I have your Infinite Playlist… and what about more audiobooks and some fancy earbuds? I’m still jonesing for a good steak. And if it’s not filling my belly, it’s filling something else… Eww! But I am looking for X, or rather three of them. There’s always a girl somewhere. M Anime in her lingerie. That was a pretty penny. But I have good boys. Virgil’s trying. I’m spending time, money… MATH, Find B, V.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 251 ~Braxton Had Time, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I had a week to myself. What have I done with the time? I need to talk to M Anime… She won’t be B and V’s stepmom… SIGH. “Nightmare At The Meat Market” is over 50,000 words, but I’m not done. But plenty of time for Animation. Braxton Had Time, Virgil

Sunday, March 9, 2025

Meditation 251 ~Braxton Had Time, Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And do you know what I see? At best, an old man. I’m not shooting for OnlyFans…

“I see pride. I see Power. I see a badass mother who don’t take no crap of nobody.”
Cool Runnings

True story and all. I’m not a fan of the movie Cool Runnings. But that line has always stuck with me. Or should I say you? Honestly, you don’t have to look in the mirror this morning. It’s time that’s beating you. And did I mention you were beating… nevermind.

If you could only beat time like other parts of your anatomy. Yeah, that part. You swear you don’t have time. But somewhere between one and three this morning, what were you up to? Eww! Whoever on X/Twitter decided to feature Tsubaki Miyajima, so naturally…

Yeah, yeah, I’m hopeless! I posted Tsubaki’s video with her lovely daughter and then returned to bed. If only Braxton were here. And what about Virgil? Oh, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Bikini Sunset: An Unconventional Romance
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Isn’t making time an Impossible Thing. Most days, I would PRAY to have B’s strength.

But today, you ask for Braxton’s courage and, most importantly, his time. How long was he gone before finding Virgil Vivi? 559 Days, if memory serves. And with that time…

There were three books, at least. Two of them you wrote for Braxton and yesterday… Slothfulness. It’s an easier sin to admit to than ending Braxton. That’s the only sin I regret passing on to you. It’s 8:36 AM… Excuse me, 9:36 AM. And of the Seven Deadly Sins, you’ve already committed four: Lust, Sloth, Envy, and Wrath. Where do you find the time, you wonder? And don’t you need to do some food shopping? Gluttony? Please! Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Life After Pet Loss: Coping with the… by Lynnlee Hunt
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 002, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

While you’re thinking about being a proud black man. Martin Luther King Jr. once said:

“The time is always right to do the right thing.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

You could live with being a good father to Virgil. And if Life After Pet Loss has it right, you were/are a good father to Braxton. But you still remember that your boy, your son…

Braxton Barks Bradford fought for every second of life. He wouldn’t even let you bring him water. B walked down the hall to his room and drank his water. And in that same hall, I’ve been spending time trying to teach Virgil that he doesn’t have to run all manic.

Except for last night, when I carried him to bed. Can’t spend all night kneeling to him, God, or Tsubaki Miyajima. Braxton Had Time, Virgil

1498 Days Without B III, Day 939 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 248 ~B Excited Someday Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Chains and whips excite me… Well, it’s more like chains, ropes, scarves, and a big enough (boulder holder) to hold a wrist. But I’d give it all up to have B on his leash again. Or for my old glasses… Yesterday was exciting… “B Excited Someday Virgil”

Thursday, March 6, 2025

Meditation 248 ~B Excited Someday Virgil~

1495 Days Without B III, Day 936 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? My day is only beginning, and I’m already disappointed. But I’m not crying… Not yet.

Excited? Only when I’m scared. When I’m being scary or amid a sin, but what am I afraid of today? Other than that, I live in a world without my protector. Where are you, Braxton?

I’ve been saying that a lot these days, B; I live in a world, fill in the blank. Because, oh no, the world is a scary place. I’m sure I scared you plenty. But not to death. I don’t think.

Anyway, I do miss your eyes. Hell! I miss my eyes this morning. The last thing I want is to get out of bed and look at myself in the mirror. Especially after what happened yesterday… The day before. As long as I’m blindly giving away $55.00. Effing new glasses!

I would pay anything to have you back, my prince. But God’s Favorite Princess… slightly less. If Cherry ever agreed to show me her Yabbos… But I respect her… Anyway…

Yesterday, Braxton, I was busy trying to be scary. Maybe even a Karen. The excitement all started when I got a message about the new frames for my glasses. My first pair broke, which hurt because they were the last you saw me in. Then I got the brown ones in memory of you… somewhat. Yesterday, MyEyeDr broke those. And so I was in their office, yelling about getting a complimentary frame. I don’t like being angry or an ass. But they pushed me B.

Only everything was not awesome yesterday, and I was excited when it was all over.

Speaking of all over, I’m glad I didn’t… all over my sheets. I know. Eww! But that was more of a financial decision than one of testicular fortitude. I’m all for God’s Favorite Princess @Luxlo, but she isn’t your stepmom. M Anime? I haven’t heard from her in a bit.

And again, if it were Cherry… But I’m not thinking of her. More like I can’t get excited over her as Virgil is now lying at the foot of the bed. Excited, expecting, entertained, ha! All Virgil knows is when I return, or he steps into the room, life is… something. You were excited because your life is/was good with me in it. Maybe V or someone will feel that.

Me? B Excited Someday Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad