Tag: Loss

Meditation 112 ~Rules, Bendable, Breakable, Just Behave~

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Aren’t dogs supposed to know the rules in 90 days? I don’t know how to “live.” I’ve been here 40 years. And how old is V? His birthday was Sunday. Yet he’s no prince. I’m no king. But our kingdom, our order… “Rules, Bendable, Breakable, Just Behave.”

Monday, October 21, 2024

Meditation 112 ~Rules, Bendable, Breakable, Just Behave~

What Rule Is This?

Madam Justice,
Rules are made to be broken… Or discovered. Sigh… I went over this in Meditation 105 ~Learn Something New Every Day~ I swear.

“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”

I’m not even that much of a fan of Harry Potter. But, Emma Watson, AKA Hermione Granger’s face, legs, and yabbos… (Homer Drool) One more reason, I’m in trouble with all of “my rules.” Hmm.

What? That I can’t behave? When someone asks me, “Why can’t you just be normal?” Dear Madam? Why can’t I be a “Law Abiding Citizen,” Madam? “Why can’t you just be nice,” you ask? And how many movies am I going to quote today? Wednesday, October 16, 2024. And here’s another question. How many more rules will I… discover? Create?

Well, I’ll tell you, as of right this second, there will be a rule for The Purge. What about B?

Don’t hurt my son Braxton. Too Little Too Late, Madam.

And what about Virgil? He’s my boy too. But Dennis Hof had Domino Hof. Braxton and I were like that. Hell! I gave my son “The Talk” since he was all into his Aunt’s Yabbos. And that is why I can’t behave. Though Le Marquis De Sade articulates it better:

“Lust is to the other passions what the nervous fluid is to life; it supports them all, lends strength to them all ambition, cruelty, avarice, revenge, are all founded on lust.” ― Marquis de Sade

I’ve said that everything I desire is either inane, insane, impossible, or, at worst, illegal. Yet, I have a code by which I live. These rules? If I had the money, I would be the one, Madam, writing the rules. Again, here we are. But could you say that I follow the rules? I behave.

As Tony Montana said, “The only thing in this world that gives orders… is balls. Guts, green, and pretty girls.

I can’t even tell myself what to do, ok? Oh yes. A little boy living off my father’s cash, Madam.

But do you know why I want to behave? Because I want to be Daddy again someday. I may not have poured the Bisquick, but Braxton was/is my pancake. My son. I stayed out of jail. Like his Aunt, I practice “JSS” just survive somehow. And I toned down jettisoning any “white stuff” on some random girl. No, B III deserves a stepmom, dear Madam.

And while I don’t look a thing like Jesus, I need to talk like a gentleman. I need to build a Heaven before I invite someone to Hell. Phony, Manly, who knows. Just Be Me. Rules, Bendable, Breakable, Just Behave

A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys” ― Andrew Ryan, Bioshock

1359 Days Without B III, Day 800 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 110 ~Preparations For Braxton, Virgil~

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On Oct 19, 2019, I was in a hotel room in Rockford, Illinois, preparing to attend a wedding. It was the longest B, and I had been apart since fighting with the Old Man. And love is a long, long road. Be prepared, huh? Preparations For Braxton, Virgil

Saturday, October 19, 2024

Meditation 110 ~Preparations For Braxton, Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I am a Billionaire right now… This means I have a bunker somewhere. A few “pew, pews.” A pretty girl for loneliness…

Eww! Can I stop being gross, just for one day? Can I stop missing my Braxton? How about no, Lady Lunalesca. How about putting Virgil first? Tomorrow is his birthday.

Preparations? If Braxton, my firstborn son, and Virgil, my second son, have anything in common, sigh. I wasn’t ready to find either one of my boys. Braxton showed up in my Old Man’s hands one night. And Virgil showed that he could use a training pad. A testament to my laziness. And I wasn’t ready to lose my little B. But despite me being a meanie, I’ve been panicked every now and again over Virgil.

But again, what will I be doing for Virgil’s birthday? Lunalesca, last night was bad. Honestly, I can’t even remember it. Mad at the BBBQ. Sad for myself. And bad. I could really use your support right now, Lady Lu.

Be Prepared. Isn’t that what THEY say? That’s why the bed makes the perfect spot, my lady. “If I lay here. If I just lay here.” I could’ve saved Braxton. And what about saving “my” country. MAGA might take Virgil because… “First let me explain that I’m just a black man.” Was that supposed to be funny, Lunalesca? Today’s politics… It’s why I stick to fiction. I’m still not over Everything Dies: Season One. And then there was a movie.

The Substance… Well, I saw it. And I want it… And speaking of want. Again, there’s Little Virgil, who wants a better Dad. I wasn’t prepared for my two boys, but Braxton got a Dad, and Virgil got a father. Guardians of the Galaxy, much. I feel like I’m failing as a man, Lady Lu.

And that is something I’m never prepared for, like an effing zombie virus. It’s inevitable.

My… Passion! Though I haven’t really thought about Zoe Saldana since The Losers. And I’ve seen Pom Klementieff’s Yabbos because the algorithm knows me too well. But who’s Yabbos was I staring at today as I fought to rise to this seated position, Lady Lunalesca?

Of course, there was Cherry’s. There’s a nurse from Silent Hill. Oh, B’s honorary aunt.

Not her Yabbos! I’ve seen them. I just remembered her wedding to her former hubby.

The preparations it took to get to her wedding day and, according to her, “ain’t nobody humpin’ around” back then. I haven’t been humpin’ around in years. And loving anyone? Myself? Preparations For Braxton, Virgil

1357 Days Without B III, Day 798 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 108 ~A Bargain Braxton… Virgil~

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I’m reading a story I’d never share with B. And on Sundays, he knew to shut up so I could watch The Walking Dead. Could I give up the Dead for him? Sure. What about the WWE? Yep. Cheap, tawdry addictions for my son’s life? “A Bargain Braxton… Virgil”

Thursday, October 17, 2024

Meditation 108 ~A Bargain Braxton… Virgil~

1355 Days Without B III, Day 796 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Was my day exhausting? I’m sure. Humiliating? Of course. Am I being a meanie? Um…

I don’t like lying to you, B. If I hadn’t lied to you before, who knows? I would have seen you couldn’t handle my RAGE, and I could have gotten you help sooner. Now Virgil…

Virgil doesn’t deserve my WRATH. And I’m not that mean. If anything, I’m still grieving. From Sunday, January 31, 2021 to Thursday, October 17, 2024. And for the record, today is Sunday, October 13, 2024. Since we’re talking today, you know this week is Hell.

Braxton, every week without you feels… I don’t know. Bargain Basement Cheap. You’re bargaining with me to breathe for one more day. And in case you don’t get it (you were always so bright). Bargaining is the word for today. So, what brought this on?

Your guess is as good as mine. But while I was reading Everything Dies: Season One yesterday. I got to thinking. That’s never a good thing. Anyway, there’s The Five Stages of Grief, and so:

Denial: Your bed remains in the bedroom. Your food and meds are still on the counter after all these years. I haven’t changed the bedroom décor or thrown away clothes. It’s as if I’m still holding on to the hope that you’ll come back, refusing to accept the reality of your absence. But I know.

Anger: I hid my feelings, trying to shield you before your passing. I nearly punched out a manager after. You hadn’t been gone half an hour before your grandpa said to get a new “dog.” The anger I felt at that moment was overwhelming, a mix of grief and frustration at the insensitivity of others.

Bargaining: Why we’re here today.

Depression: Common as my anger

Acceptance: This will NEVER happen. The idea of accepting your absence feels like a betrayal, a denial of the love and bond we shared. How can I accept a world without you in it? NEVER!

I could continue always and forever, but the Day Job.

After you passed, I was a monk (Ha-Ha) for 161 days. And what was it that broke me, B III?

My love for you was so easily broken? Now, this isn’t about you. But I tell myself that I would do anything to have you back. And if I were to give up “adult situations…”

Braxton, “I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day.” Indifferent? Zombie-like? Worse?

RAGE, RAVISHMENT, REVOLVISION, the darkness, B. Everything Dies: Season One.

The things I desire, dictate upon the page and do are bargains. Being your Daddy. Braxton, that’s what cost me Everything. And I wonder if I’m failing to pay the cost or don’t want to. To exist? For Virgil? Forty years. A Bargain Braxton… Virgil

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 105 ~Learn Something New Every Day~

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What have I learned today besides how badly I screwed up my rules? I learned it’s easier to get things done with energy shots. And that seventy bucks isn’t enough for a father and “son.” Yes, Virgil’s eating. To exist? “Learn Something New Every Day”

Monday, October 14, 2024

Meditation 105 ~Learn Something New Every Day~

Three-Hundredth And Sixty-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice,
Rules are made to be broken… But I will follow this one today, Friday, October 11, 2024. How…

There have been moments of confusion, of learning that I was wrong. But I’m here, hoping to make amends, to set things right somehow, Madam.

“But it is not this day.” “I have served. I will be of service,” to no one but myself, Madam.

Oh! And my little boys. My son, Braxton. I learn every day that he is no longer here with me. But while I’m awake and alive, quoting the likes of Aragorn, John Wick, and Peter Gabriel. What else have I been doing? Well, as I said, I’m doing research. Learning…

  1. I intended to make rules for ‘my existence’ in the likes of Zombieland or Lefler’s Laws. These rules were meant to guide my actions and decisions, with one rule for every day of the year. Unlike Trump, I prefer not to lie, especially when it’s avoidable. I live for the memory of my son, but death is ALWAYS preferable for me.
  2. I have learned so many new things with Braxton’s passing. Each of these lessons, symbolized by the 365 rules, has been a significant part of my journey towards understanding. Never acceptance.
  3. I learned that Rule Twenty-Nine, “Lesson 296 ~Heavenly Trip, Save A Seat~,” was counted as a Man In The Mirror conversation and wasn’t correctly sent to you, Madam.
  4. Rule 79, “Episode 288 ~You Only Have Your Word~” I lost track of offline.
  5. Rules 68 and 136 repeat “No Rest For The Wicked.” Such is my memory.
  6. Gospel 068 ~Willing Existence Day To Be~ was addressed to you, Madam. But does not count as a rule. I have mentioned I hate being Forty. I was Thirty-Six on that day…
  7. I wonder if Rules 316 and 345 were repeated accidentally. Or were they meant to be a play on words… “Harder To Breathe On/Up Top.” Leaning towards accident

So… How many rules exist? If we include “Leap Day” and The Purge. 367… That’s adding 79 and 366. Minus two repeated rules brings us to 365. But Annual Purging…

Once again, I’m at 366, but I’m not a smart man, Madam? That’s why I’m always trying to learn. And you know how I hated formal education. I wouldn’t hate my Day Job if I had been better at it. This is why I’m talking to you today. Because, with the Day Job Monday, Madam… How excited was I to see I even had a schedule? Writing isn’t making money. REALLY? A rule against it? Learn Something New Every Day.

A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys” ― Andrew Ryan, Bioshock

1352 Days Without B III, Day 793 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 103 ~Billing Nights, Braxton, Virgil~

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Hillary Clinton is a better person than Lauren Boebert and MTG. But if we were voting for adult films… Well, in politics or “poonanny” (puts on Ice Cube shades). I’d go AOC. So, I had a dream about bills, maybe… “Billing Nights, Braxton, Virgil”

Saturday, October 12, 2024

Meditation 103 ~Billing Nights, Braxton, Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I am a Billionaire right now… This means I can afford some “good” drugs. And no more Sour Punch before bed. Okay?

Last night was a bad night. I’ve had worse. The first night Braxton wasn’t here… Am I finally back to crying about B? I cried today, and it was only 7:45 AM. And that’s only out of disappointment that I’m already counting today as a loss. What about 4:00 AM?

Lady Lunalesca, if it wasn’t for the alarm on the phone, who knows how long I would have been trapped inside a nightmare. No, Trump wasn’t there. But alas, I’m starting to become like him. I dreamt of being trapped inside of a snowstorm with… Hillary Clinton, I swear. Chelsea Clinton had taken off. So a voice said we had to face her hubby ha-ha.

Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill! Where’s the science, though?

I often dream of women. Sans clothing… How many years has it been, Lady Lunalesca?

Talking to you AGAIN began because I had a terrible night with some woman, Lunalesca. A woman that was nowhere close to being mine. That’s why it’s no insult to not dream about Braxton’s Aunt. Honorary, mind you. Braxton wouldn’t have minded her in bed.

Only… I’ve never been close to having Cherry here, so I dream about her. Again, sans clothing. And how I begged… M Anime too. English and Latina women, dear Lunalesca.

But WHO broke me last night? Why am I so late talking to you? Between dishonoring my boy, bad dreams, and “busting a nut.” A brunette gymnast with pink fingernails.

Elaborate fantasies weren’t needed, Lunalesca.

Not that I could foot the bill for any of them? Do you remember all that money that went to my Old Man’s friend, Bill? I’m forty and barely pay any bills. My bum’s existence.

Lunalesca, I’m trying to figure out what that nightmare meant. If anything, for me. Hmm…

To recap, last night included fajita bowls and sour punch candy. So, my dietary habits.

Another night without a warm body beside me. Braxton’s in a box. Virgil was in B III’s room. Ironically, the only time I paid for “company” was for an adoption fee and a pretty maid.

It could be financial stress and betraying my boy. Braxton won’t have a stepmom, so why do I need a woman? Billing Nights, Braxton, Virgil

1350 Days Without B III, Day 791 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 101 ~Braxton The Professional, Virgil~

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Everyone Says Hi. But that’s the Day Job for ya. And it’s next week. After I wasted most of this week thinking someone fired me without telling me. Well, Braxton found new employment amongst the or at Hell’s Gates. “Braxton The Professional, Virgil.”

Thursday, October 10, 2024

Meditation 101 ~Braxton The Professional, Virgil~

1348 Days Without B III, Day 789 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Hopefully, it wasn’t a work day. Do they have jobs on The Rainbow Bridge, Braxton?

Are you giving Cerberus a break at the Gates of Hell? Ironic, isn’t it? I can’t REALLY say I’m in Hell because, according to my body, I am very much alive. And if I were with you, Braxton. You’d ensure I could never leave our “HOME” again. Never again. Professional.

Better a guard dog than a hitman, like Leon: The Professional. Again, “isn’t it ironic, don’t you think? When the truth is, I put you in the ground. Or rather in the oven… Ashes… Geez!

Braxton, I should not be making that type of joke as a particular type of person. No, not ever! Especially with “you know who” running for president. And the evil he and MAGA foster. Who do I think I am?

Whoever I am, whatever I am, it ain’t rich. And isn’t that what brings me to you today, my son? Oh, and I REALLY need to stop looking at those AI pictures of the senator…

Braxton, not that one. I mean Senator Padme Amidala. Before that, it was Kara from Detroit: Become Human. I am being gross and highly inappropriate. Uh, your aunt’s Yabbos… But it was Kara that broke me last night. Stress release after my Day Job order.

The schedule? Yeah, I got one for next week. Oh, the irony… (Rolls Eyes). They are the only ones I blame for your passing besides myself. And I feel good that I have that job…

Now that’s gross, evil, and rich rolled into one, Braxton.

I swear I woke up this morning after such and such a dream/nightmare… I felt as if I had been run over by a truck. It was The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident all over again.

You weren’t protecting me from such dreams and disgusting behaviors. What? It’s not your job. And it’s not Virgil’s either, as he snores away at the foot of the bed. And of course, I’m FORTY!!! And the Day Job must pay me more to afford both hearth and home. My manhood, I know. Your Grandpa paid your food and medical bills before the Day Job?

What do I want to do for a living? I’m trying to figure it out, Braxton. I want to make you proud, but it takes work. I miss you, son. If the money is lousy, you can always come HOME. Yet, Braxton The Professional, Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 098 ~Say It While You Can~

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Say It While You Can, and ask it if you dare. Or am I being lazy or obtuse? If anything, I’m being a scaredy-cat, which shows why V and I get along. We’re exactly alike. But if I have to say or ask. Is the schedule working? Sad. Say It While You Can.

Monday, October 7, 2024

Meditation 098 ~Say It While You Can~

Three-Hundredth And Sixty-Fourth Rule

Madam Justice,
Rules are made to be broken… Like being late to work. To “my” Day Job. I’m up. Dammit, I’m up. And plenty scared.

Is that what I needed to say today? If anything, I should be asleep in bed. I’m still in bed. But I’m talking to you. And I’m all dressed up with nowhere to go. I hope… I hope. I should be like Morgan Freeman in the film Deep Impact. “I wish… No wishing is wrong.

So what is right? I love you, Braxton. Or some version of that. Daddy loves you, B. Or should I do my best Yondu impression… “I’m damn lucky you’re my boy. What about I’m sorry, B III. Every time I get scared, “disturbingly” skeevy, or STUPID. I have to think of the worst thing I’ve ever done. Or the best, depending on current mourning trends.

Sing me to sleep, Braxton.

I should have sung to him when I sent him on his way. Speaking of being sent on my way, I should cut all this music off so I can hear the phone. If my schedule didn’t come through, why should I think the Timeclock app would alert me to my failure to come in?

There was nothing at the regular time or thirty minutes later. And if the hour passes, Madam, what should I think? I will be waiting all day for one of the managers to call. And what about tomorrow? Once more, I’ll be here like I’m Lenny Kravitz… I’ll Be Waiting.

Again… with the music. But the question is, what should I say…

“You’re a coward.”
“That is a correct assessment.”

The truth shall set me free? And make such a Pretty Mess with my Pretty Piece of Flesh, Madam. Geez! Can I be any more… vile right now? I may not be at the Day Job right now, but Virgil and I can pretend. He’s hiding out in Braxton’s Room. While I’d be in the stockroom at the Day Job, hoping no one could hear what I was listening to.

However, right now, I listening for the phone to chirp… Jeezu! It reminded me I had kept my pants on for four days. Now if only I could sleep or see and listen to slurping, sucking, and screaming slu… “young ladies.” My legacy of saying anything and nothing at all. Say It While You Can.

A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys” ― Andrew Ryan, Bioshock

1345 Days Without B III, Day 786 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 096 ~Braxton, Braxton, Everywhere Virgil~

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They say you don’t know what you got till it’s gone—pretty women in wrestling, “Pornhub,” and the peace that came from my boy. I’m addicted to the worst of things, and why not? B’s not here. And V’s… Then again, Braxton, Braxton, Everywhere Virgil.

Saturday, October 5, 2024

Meditation 096 ~Braxton, Braxton, Everywhere Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I am a Billionaire right now… This means I can feed all of my addictions. Businesses full of Yabbos. Biology like Umbrella.

And books? How I miss more books, more books. By the way, I miss my Braxton, too, forever and always. But my grief and mourning, my depression… Is this ACCEPTANCE?

Never, Lady Lunalesca! Even if I am forty. I will cry for more Lost Boy, my son, always and forever. Only… not every day. Have I ever told you how much I hate this existence?

But as the song plays, “You know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to…” What? Whatever it is, it’s not good. This brings me to you today, Lady Lunalesca. Sure, I’m addicted to sadness. It all has to do with my boy, for the most part. Next is being forty. But this world…

“Oh no, the world is a scary place!” FEAR, Lunalesca.

Fear is not one of the Seven Deadly Sins. It’s not even a circle of Hell. And yet, it’s everywhere. It’s the only thing that I can say is worse than my Braxton’s passing, Luna.

Yes, I know. Who do I think I’m talking to, Inspector Echo? But between the waterworks that are my tears. And everything I have been losing these days… Everything, Lunalesca.

I wouldn’t call the WWE, everything… But I am… was hooked. “I’m a d$ck. I’m addicted,” to professional wrestling. Even more so than the Olympics. Remember how I missed them for the most part. Roxanne Perez, Piper Niven, Iyo Sky, Kelani Jordan, Tiffany Stratton, particular models and gymnasts. Continue? With my Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy… Let’s not forget about Lust.

Oh, look, actual sins. But what did I discover first? Was it after the Disowning Dish Debacle earlier this year? The wrestling I was streaming, I can’t now. Not with an eighty buck pricetag. Hell, Lady Lu, I don’t want to fork over six dollars for the next book in the Backyard Dungeon series. And the books I’ve been reading and looking up this morning… Um, Cherry would be proud. But speaking of hot BBWs of the UK, My Lady.

In certain states, they’ve banned specific websites for, let’s say, “adults.” Oh, I’m a man? Lunalesca, I can afford a VPN. And why? Because I’m addicted to Yabbos. But Lunalesca?

THEY ARE EVERYWHERE! Oh, the money I’d save and make remembering… Braxton, Braxton, Everywhere Virgil.

1343 Days Without B III, Day 784 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 094 ~Virgil… For Braxton’s Comfort~

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Of all the psychiatrists I visited, no one had a couch. I never ended up on one. That type of healing was reserved for reading on the couch with B. Movie nights with his honorary aunt. And other films. Comfy spots. Virgil… For Braxton’s Comfort.

Thursday, October 3, 2024

Meditation 094 ~Virgil… For Braxton’s Comfort~

1341 Days Without B III, Day 782 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? And yes, I asked Virgil the same question. But, will I begin talking about you…

AGAIN! As we move further away from my Emergence Day. Or closer. It depends, B.

Like the difference between a couch and a loveseat. Seriously? I’m looking for comfy spots. And for the third day in a row… Sunday, September 29, 2024. I’ve made it to the Dining Room table once more. I’ve told several in the harem; this week will be worse, B III.

Excuse me, did I say worse? What I meant to say was, “more difficult.” I swear, Braxton, I miss talking about politics with you. Virgil can’t stand it. Is that why he cuddles up to me nightly and I finish everything or not during the day? I finally watch television.

Braxton, even if I sleep, I can never rest. You?

Well, not with me griping every day. I got a message from M Anime about her being a complaint on two legs. I’m a complaint on three. Eww! I know B III, I’m so sorry.

Thankfully, your Aunt, her girlfriend, and their fur buddy haven’t come to join you, B.

Only here I am, safe and sound, imagining new furniture for the Living Room, Braxton.

As if I do any Living. And what about Virgil? Even now, I’m still upset… Your Dad can hold a grudge, grief, and a groan when I hear you or Virgil walking around the corner when I thought I had some alone time. Again, Eww!

Awkward and uncomfortable, but consider this, Braxton. I have a choice. It’s either for my comfort or Virgil’s. I got around $150.00… So, still broke.

A little less than half must go to the bare minimum to keep me alive. So yeah, food. Here’s the choice: I can use the remaining funds to buy Virgil’s medication (Heartworm Prevention). However, I could buy a lifetime subscription to Balance for myself. After the 30th, the price hikes back up by hundreds. Virgil isn’t dying, and we’re talking one month. Medication’s late already.

It’s only by a few days. The answer is obvious. Buy the medication! Effing honestly. Only it’s the difference between being a Friend, Best Friend, and a Daddy. I understand.

The difference between a home, a threesome, or a harem. An orgy or a gang-bang. A couch, loveseat, and casting couch, Eww! Professional couch time, maybe. Virgil… For Braxton’s Comfort

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 091 ~Life Is Not Fair Period~

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It’s not fair having to wake up and feel this way since the age of 7. I did have 15 years of waking up thinking how’s B. Is he healthy, hungry, and/or happy? The only thing unfair to him was living. To me, it’s being forty. “Life Is Not Fair Period.”

Monday, September 30, 2024

Meditation 091 ~Life Is Not Fair Period~

Three-Hundredth And Sixty-Third Rule

Madam Justice,
Rules are made to be broken… Though I would like to believe that with Braxton here, enough money or the right power… Sigh.

But my son is gone. I have survived this month to see 40. And power… To get out of bed.

But today is Friday, September 27, 2024. And if I have any more days like I’ve had this week… I didn’t even think about joining Braxton on “Emergence Day.” But the 24th and the 26th? As the song goes, “Woke Up This Morning.” I swear, Madam, I came back and…

Slept. And it’s not because I like being 40. And it’s not like 2V is my best friend. V’s scared.
He feels he’s always getting in the way. And it doesn’t matter that I’ve never harmed him, let him go hungry, or even hinted at sending him back or that he’ll join B one day.

It’s not fair to Virgil or me to live in FEAR every single second. Don’t get me started on others. Other people have it worse. But this is the last day, ha-ha, when it should be all about me, Madam. If you only knew how much I abhor September. The end of January? B’s ending. It’s like I’m trapped in a never-ending cycle of despair.

But about those others… Hey Jealousy! You’ve heard me mention @fitdadceo and @csapunch. They’re in their forties. Look at everything they have, Dear Madam. Everything.

“All I’ve Ever Wanted.” And I don’t blame anyone but myself. But whose fault is it that I was done with existence by age 7? Didn’t @fredoontv say something like that, Madam. And look at him. Even better, Johnny Sins… well, his girls. A Wraithbabes gigolo? I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed myself.

I don’t blame my skin, sex, or sins, Madam. Life is not fair because of me and no one else.

I find no fault in the loss of my son. My heart, my hero, that other dreaded H-word, dear Madam. I love Braxton. But again, this isn’t about him. You know that song, “Wake Me Up.” And those few lines:

“Life’s a game made for everyone. And love is the prize.”
Wake Me Up, Avicii

Love is not a prize. Love is a gift I’ve never given myself. Instructions I have never got to read. As I was telling Lady Sophia this morning. I’m too busy reading about old men now and girls sans clothing. That’s why I’m losing, Madam. And what’s going to change?

Sitting here at the table, writing as the music wafts? Life Is Not Fair Period.

A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys” ― Andrew Ryan, Bioshock

1338 Days Without B III, Day 779 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will