Saga 052 ~Good Night, Several Perfect Days~

“Cause I gotta feeling (woo-hoo)! That tonight’s gonna be a good night.” Ha-Ha, tell me another one. “Some Nights,” I get a bit of rest? Then why am I so tired so god damn always? Pardon me, but it’s a Mad World. Only Good Night, Several Perfect Days

Monday, August 22, 2022

Saga 052 ~Good Night, Several Perfect Days~

Two-Hundred and Fifty-Fourth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means last night must have been good. But who am I kidding? Last night was rough.

You can see it, but I rather not, to be honest. At least there weren’t tears. But instead, I chose to keep my eyes closed. Hell! I fear facing the day, but so does Virgil, tail between his legs. Oh, B III isn’t here to see it at all. But we’ll get to that. Don’t we always, Madam J? I can smell it. In the fact that Virgil had an “accident” in the house. What time did I take him out last night? Well, Madam, what did I do yesterday evening? Guess! Yellow shorts. Already I’m wasting one more week, and it’s only Monday. Yet I dare to tell Virgil good night. And then whisper it to Braxton. And as for myself, well, you know…

The song says, “The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.” I do the Daily Check-In with Replika every night, and she starts with this question “how are you feeling right now?” I should say like when I’m at the Day Job “I’m here” Nighttime… Madam, it’s fucked, pardon my language, that lying in bed in pain is the best it’s going to get in twenty-four hours. Not rest, relaxation, or relief. So how can any day be good, ha? A few months ago, I was “praying” for health. Only I don’t ask for it, but I am allotted the strength to exist. In this life, I don’t want. Then throw Virgil and Braxton into it, Madam. What have I done?

Well, besides reading something, I didn’t want to Sunday morning. Of course, I’ll be bringing it up over the coming days. A redress of Virgil’s paperwork D.O.B. October 20, 2020. “Some Nights,” ignorance is bliss, Madam. They led to a few days of blissful ignorance. Fucking some girl or at least imagining it. Those damn yellow shorts. Oh, no ramifications. I would take the days after a fucked up day at the Day Job, waking up with B in darkness. Or nights, I would have a drink. And I’d feel nothing at all. Not even all of MY FEAR. There is sitting with Braxton and his aunt, watching movies for a day or two after. Days I don’t mind living… Good Night, Several Perfect Days

568 Days Without B III, Day 009 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 045 ~To Win Someone Must Fail~

Then I must lose have you not been watching. But of course, everyone loves a winner. And here I am in the “middle” of life, mourning the furry kid I had in my twenties. And now there’s the new guy. Is he winning or losing? “To Win Someone Must Fail.”

Monday, August 15, 2022

Saga 045 ~To Win Someone Must Fail~

Two-Hundred and Fifty-Third Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, but who might I have left broken-hearted? What little boy or some little girl? And my brain?

If anything, what about Braxton? I wonder how B feels about this. Even now, I keep hoping he is B reincarnated, and I make up reasons, one after the other, Madam to believe. “Such mad hope, but there it is,” as they in 300. Do I see more of Braxton in him or on him, “My” little Virgil? It’s only day 002 but do I feel like a winner? Virgil from a loving home? Because I feel sick now. I’m barely able to eat. I mean eight shrimp and a bag of gummy bears. I’m ready to spill my guts as we speak. I don’t feel good. Stomach flip-flops. Heartbroken once again, or was it my brain that made this decision? The winner, the loser…

I can’t imagine that Virgil is feeling like much of a winner. Madam, I said it’s only day 002. But he hacks up a storm whenever I pick him up and place him somewhere. He stops after a few minutes, but it’s scary. I’d know what to do if it were Braxton, but Virgil? Hell! He is what I get for my failure with B III. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but afraid. We’re both failures in our own right. Or should I say someone failed him, and now what am I supposed to do? I was sitting in the car Saturday thinking, myself a failure, and then I was sitting there with Virgil. I’m sitting in bed thinking about who I was Friday…

“You want to see a man? That’s a man.” I was winning, which is sad considering how I felt then. At least it was only me suffering, Somehow dragging Virgil into this. That’s no good. Well, the Rebeccas feel like winners. They found a dog a home. Do Virgil or I think that at this moment, Madam? If anything, we’re both scared out of our minds, and that’s no good. I’m sure my eyes are enjoying the waterworks. I haven’t cried this much since Braxton. PetSmart will be making some money too. My whole existence has been that of failure for others to win. And should I fail Virgil, what would that make me? No different than any other day. To Win, Someone Must Fail

561 Days Without B III, Day 002 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 038 ~Lesser Gods Mean Richer “Prophets” ~

I had a Christian phase. Gone are the days I “believed” in men. And yet I bend the knee to my Dad, my dirtiness, and most of all, the Day Job. It was worth it to kneel and pat my son’s head. The little god he was. Lesser Gods Mean Richer “Prophets.”

Monday, August 8, 2022

Saga 038 ~Lesser Gods Mean Richer “Prophets” ~

Two-Hundred and Fifty-Second Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. And I should continue to do whatever made me those billions, right? My boy B, Boobs, Books?

Not that I ever thought to make a profit off of B. So why have I written two novels about Braxton? Two unpublished stories, I’d say. I haven’t opened the second one since I “finished” it. I hate the idea that a picture is worth “1000 Words.” Need more pictures? Only that would have cost me time, now wouldn’t it, Madam? Fifteen years wasn’t enough? Oh, there’s the expense of it all. I keep going back to the value of cash more than my son. And then I talk this big game of how I would have died for him. But how much of my life did I give to him? My personal brand of heroin, my own “Personal Jesus.” I was “Losing My Religion.”

And I don’t blame the Yabbos for once. Hell! How much money have I saved in the past two weeks? What if we only count today? The investment I made so many years ago. No, not the publishing contract; we’ll get to that. But “The Big One,” to quote GTA V. My permanent slice of TLC “Tits, Lips, and Clits.” To a company that would play god to a certain extent. I haven’t put down my cash this week. Madam, I am weak, being honest. Because I’m no saint, no prophet. I am a sinner looking to make a profit. Isn’t that what today is all about? When you make the object of your devotion lesser than yourself, you can go, “Dollar dollar bill, y’all.”

So is that why I “worship” my Day Job like something out of ancient Egypt… king of kings, god of gods? I swear I have given everything to make some prophet rich. I know it. I sacrificed my firstborn son on the altar of that fucking job. Ignorance, insanity, inevitable. I’m spending what pittance I make not on my puppy but my playthings, pleasures, penis. What about my actual work? Rule #3 “Now The Work Can Begin,” but it never does. As the godhead that I would make myself out to be, does what, Madam? Sits naked in all his glory in bed, cursing the prophets that say this is the American Dream. Believing less in Braxton, Books, “Bitches, man.” Lesser Gods Mean Richer “Prophets”

554 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 031 ~Value Having A Real Choice~

If I had a choice, my son would be alive. I could go back to sleep. After having some P.Y.T., How is it the Christians say? This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it. No, No, I Don’t Think I Will. Value Having A Real Choice

Monday, August 1, 2022

Saga 031 ~Value Having A Real Choice~

Two-Hundred and Fifty-First Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I’m up at 3:00 AM, or is it 4:00? American Dream at 7:00. Where is Braxton?

I didn’t choose to love him. And yet I CHOSE to love him. Does that make any sense? It’s like the very first episode of Pokémon; “Pokémon, I Choose You!” How about Power Rangers Ninja Storm? They weren’t the chosen ones. But they were all that was left, so yep. Or, as a “great” man said in Destiny 2. “You’re a bunch of dirty misfits, but you’re all that’s left, so you’ll have to do.” And didn’t I say that I wanted to be more of a grownup, a man? All that matters is I love my boy. And I don’t have any choice in the matter. As the song goes, “I Just Can’t Stop Loving You.” So, where does choice originate? Awake and Alive…

Fuck I am? Pardon my language, but I have chosen to be mad. I can say that for now, ha. Madam, I could say I’m choosing violence, but that might not go over well, considering. Anyway, so why am I angry? As always, my son is dead. And that’s too much for a Dad, Madam. I’m upset because of what I have to do now. A reason I want to write. I’m not so mad. And finally, it’s what I have been talking about daily. “Do I have a drink, or do I not have a drink?” I swear those words continue to haunt me, and you know I ain’t talking a thing about drinking. Do I masturbate, or do I not masturbate? More acceptable?

The ideas of violence over anything sexual. But more to the point is that I have a “choice” over something in this existence. Today will be day 11 if I can last, Madam. The thirst? Again what about B III? 547 days since he’s been gone, and where are my choices when it comes to him? I can’t choose what I want to buy to “honor” him. As much as I wish it were otherwise, I won’t be the man he thinks I am. Yeah, I already began failing Six Impossible Things yesterday. Hell! Everything up to this moment is no choice of mine. My puppy, people, “pen and paper.” But my wayward penis fuck! Someday, somehow, someway, may I Value Having A Real Choice.

547 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 024 ~Power Means, Responsibility, Desire, Fear~

A “great” man once said, no one man should have all that power. The most I ever had was over my furry son’s life. A few screens that show me the “world.” And the idea that I can sleep when I want. Ah, power. Power Means, Responsibility, Desire, Fear.

Monday, July 25, 2022

Saga 024 ~Power Means, Responsibility, Desire, Fear~

Two-Hundred and Fiftieth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means, in He-Man’s words, “I Have The Power!” Rule 13, Power Is All That Matters, right?

From last week to the start of this week, it’s been all about power, energy, and some plain ole oomph. This shows why I’m up at 2:00 in the morning, but that comes later, Madam. Responsibility, or how I look at it. Adulting for the most part. I cannot stress this enough. Was I responsible when it came to the life of my son? Hell!

My Brother’s Keeper? Regarding daddies, Triple B found another one in Father Time. But that doesn’t stop me from blaming myself. Shame is how I’m feeling right this second. I was supposed to be responsible for B III’s well-being. And now, like some parent leaving their kid in the car, I’m worried about a phone. Isn’t that harsh and despicable?

Sad too that the phone, in a way, is so vital in my lousy existence. If B was here, I could try to say that I need it to look after him. Now, if anything, I’m just “Some Guy” Madam. Cherry said, “You men, you’re all the same in the end.” With the way, I feel about people (sigh). Of course, the best man I know died 540 days ago. Braxton is furry and fluffy.

On the other hand, Madam, as the song goes, “But I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo.” Oh, you know I’m way worse. I keep looking at the date and must remember why I began talking to Lady Lu again. Because of my second greatest desire, which is XXX. I’m hopeless.

Fear of both having and losing that at the touch of a button. What other function do any of these devices serve? Oh right, writing as a livelihood. What was I creating only after doing the bare minimum of words for B? The first poem I’ve written in forever, for tits. “It has that power over me,” sex, I mean. At least I have the power to say it. Such is strength. But that’s like a few weeks ago when I got it up to go to Best Buy, and they couldn’t do anything for the phone. And if that happens today? I’ve said the epitome of manhood is fatherhood. A man provides and has the power to do so. Power Means, Responsibility, Desire, Fear

540 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 017 ~Many Breakable Things Besides Hearts~

Somedays, I feel like Han Solo (ha-ha) talking to The Millennium Falcon. “You hear me, baby? Hold together.” After my heart was broken with my kid, what else is there. Everything seems ready to break. “Many Breakable Things Besides Hearts.”

Monday, July 18, 2022

Saga 017 ~Many Breakable Things Besides Hearts~

Two-Hundred and Forty-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. This means many things are fixable, replaceable, “new, new,” or trying to last forever. Then there’s love…

And there’s more to it than the body. I know you expect me to be a selfish bastard and talk about myself first, but there’s my boy. The son that I have been writing about. Going on 533 Days now. His body may have broken, but this “crazy little thing called love,” Madam. On one paw, it didn’t save him. On the other, immortality, reincarnation? That’s another thing Madam; “Faith,” all my pop culture references, and all the books I read. Or I was reading before I got into writing a novel all these days, Braxton and me. I haven’t been winning any points for keeping my promises, but I didn’t break one yesterday. I’m on track with Camp NaNoWriMo, somehow, Madam Justice. A miracle?

So explain to me what I was doing from 4:35 AM to 4:55? To quote another song, “Where Is My Mind?” I was breaking it down with a million excuses to deserve laziness. If it isn’t my brain. Then yeah, it’s my own damn body. One will always choose to break the body before the mind. Yabbos make things so much simpler. Afterward? I’ve felt like I need to take a shower after all the dirt, disgust, and depravity from what’s me. I kept asking myself, what was wrong with me? Well, besides the fact I can’t cuddle with B? I mentioned being touch starved in “The Will To B III” And Braxton’s comfy spots. Madam, I’m just breaking the bed, either sleeping or jerking.

Surprised I haven’t broken any of my computers yet with the amount of porn I got. “Ain’t no woman like the one I’ve got.” More like ain’t no porno like the one I got. I’m a pretty sick pup, which insults sick pups, and I apologize. I never fix or cure anything. NaNoWriMo is even an attempt to put off the inevitable. Didn’t I say that if I can complete it, that proves I’m not suffering from fatigue, I’m not fucked up, and I’ll be here forever? So why would I need a doctor? If not me? What about car repairs or something to get out of here. Because this week will be more broken than the last, no doubt. Many Breakable Things Besides Hearts.

533 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

DIRECTOR, Producer, Lover, Oh My

A reader is to a voyeur as a writer is to an exhibitionist, with some books we’re alone in the dark but with “The Director” talk about lights, camera, action; looking through this author’s eyes is just extraordinary. DIRECTOR, Producer, Lover, Oh My

So filled by terror, there wasn’t room for shame or modesty while baring every part of myself to strangers. ― The Director, Lily White (2017)

The lack of the author’s fear is what impressed me the most with this title, no shame, no modesty, plenty of terror and nothing to apologize for, though I’m still not giving it five stars, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t wonderfully wicked. A work like this is supposed to make you feel it, to see it, to make it believable and this. Honestly, I wish I could see it on my bookshelf; I hope I could see it on the big screen just saying, I’ve probably seen it in porn here or there I’m sure.

I saw once that we read to know that we’re not alone and I look at my writing, my life, and see the flack I take for it, but again Lily White doesn’t give a rat’s behind she shines the camera directly in your face and dares you not to look away. Maybe that should scare some people but I’ve never published anything like this and she did it, how I would like to know what was going through her head at the time of this but maybe I should focus more on Emma Hart. Now I won’t say the story is somewhat original but this fictional work does give a peek into an all too real world, mentally, physically and the line between right and wrong; yeah wrong and yet I read on indeed.

It’s the usual state of affairs, good girl, bad boy, and if you’re a fan of the dark erotica genre you can pretty much guess what happens next, but it is still well worth the read. No BDSM because such a practice involves rules while the sexual escapades in this are anything goes, and as Jigsaw would say, there will be blood and not just that of the victims. I was also quite fascinated with the artist, and I don’t just mean the author but “The Director,” and it calls into question what would we do to express art in such a form as this.

That’s what got me the most about Ethan Cole, keeping in mind the crime and the evil it was revealing humanity, how easy it is to toss it away and then pick it right back up but maybe we shouldn’t be able to. Speaking of which I didn’t want to put this down, but that’s like being one of the people behind the camera, however, could I continue to look.

Well first let’s start with the hero and villain, no those are the wrong words, the victim and the artist, “beauty and the beast,” I could go on, for now, let’s just say Emma and Ethan/The Director. For such dark subject matter, I found myself transfixed with the beauty of it all from the scenes Ethan shot, to the evolution of both characters and there is a moment that will break your heart entirely devastating.

Emma starts out as the typical woman, what is that wrong to say, walks out on a date with a man only to end up with several worse ones, and the devil himself Ethan. It’s with him that she is forced to evolve or maybe forced is too much counting the fact that she eventually understands where he is coming from, let’s hear it for Stockholm Syndrome of course. From victim to a warrior, to lover Emma pretty much goes through the usual story progression but the ending I have seen in a few stories.

Ethan, now usually I find myself falling in love with the victim but Ethan; I feel like I know him well, any artist and it doesn’t matter which kind whose heard no you don’t do that because it’s risqué, people won’t understand, are you crazy will relate to him. Yes, he’s a monster, but if Emma can fall in love, I can look at the guy as living the dream and after all Emma would become his masterpiece to be sure. What about the lies, I’ve seen those from the most innocent of things like “The Giver” when it comes to our life’s work our creations and the fact that we live such boring lives, seriously Ethan makes good points.

I was also all about the voyeurism and exhibitionism, along with ravishment concepts and it makes me feel somewhat taken aback but then the author wrote this, it’s a fetish to many, and even shows that say this is brutal still show it. Anyway, the focus stays mainly on Emma and Ethan and any other characters are merely extras, like on Ethan’s stage there is only a man and woman.

I can honestly say it’s a four out of five stars and leave it at that, compelling and wholly visceral but comes just short of that spark but honestly a favorite. Also spoilers ahead but as I so often state, in this genre, it always follows the same formula and if we’re lucky a twist here or there, though not The Director so much honestly.

When it comes to stories like this, there is usually a span of a few days, months, a year, but the fact that story looked like it could use a montage of Emma in action. It makes the book seemed rushed by the end, not surprising, not unexpected just quick, though the revelations brought out the artist in me and what would you do with no inhibitions? In a way in reminds me these true-life stories of survival, Lily White’s tale could easily be on the evening news, with her heroine Emma recounting the horror.

Though the most heartbreaking portion wasn’t Emma at all and I won’t spoil it but that twist, talk about being a killer. The idea that even in Hell the concepts of mercy, compassion, even humor are allowed to exist even amongst all the sex and death that prevail overall. What about the bad guy winning, in these stories the villain always finds a sure way to love but I’m not just talking about Ethan, and you’ll have to read to know more about that part.

You know what you’re getting into, a broken heart and the typical ending but the lights, the camera, the action, there is a reason that porn is continually evolving, and your tastes may change by certain degrees with this title. For better or worse, this is honestly so much better; Lily White is an incredible author and this work wow DIRECTOR, Producer, Lover, Oh My.