Tag: Dreams

Meditation 266 ~B Used To Know~

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I’d never call myself the better man. I am nowhere near “The Best Man” I can be. But my son B knew me better once. And if it hadn’t been me… well, Virgil is a little white kid who just happens to have four legs. I have better jokes. B Used To Know.

Monday, March 24, 2025

Meditation 266 ~B Used To Know~

Hey Dad,
It’s Me, Baby B… And I guess that makes you The Seeker. You’re not just Somebody That I Used To Know; you’re always Daddy, the one I look up to, the one who guided me here and there.

Always and forever, my Dad. But how come you’re crying. If anything, how are you crying with what happened this morning and afternoon… Yeah, you locked Virgil out for a little bit this morning because you were upset. And this afternoon, you needed alone time…

Is that how you think you’ll get rid of me? The sins of the father. All for what you want.

You want to join me on The Rainbow Bridge, wherever. It’s your first thought every morning. Why are you awake? Somehow, someway, you have to stand, stay, and survive. Of those three, it’s the staying.

I know you’re worried about surviving. And standing. We fall down, but we get up. Granddaddy taught you that, or Donnie McClurkin, or me? Stand when you have to, but…

I know you don’t want to. “Not like this. Not like this.” Like you’re living in a dream world, Daddy. Or a nightmare… What does M Anime think she knows about nightmares, Dad? Well, she’s lost a fur buddy of her own. And do you really believe M Anime will be my stepmom or Virgil’s anyway? You have to survive to see. Then there’s Virgil.

Daddy, I want him to see. As I said, you hide from me with your sins. But you hide from V with your sleep and his. You both sleep so that you don’t have to. So he won’t ever know.

You saved him. He survives because of you. What did that get him? Because Somebody That I Used To Know…

My Daddy? Who are you? You’re my Dad. And you’re wise. A warrior you can work, write, and move the whole world. Am I trying to motivate you today? And to do what exactly. You can tell I’m speaking because I won’t say Get Here if you can. Not soon.

I’m my father’s son. And I used to know you. I still do. Like the Glow box said. You use music, movies, and manuscripts. And haven’t I, Daddy, all so I can tell you… whatever.

Sit and Stay. Not stranded in bed, mourning away, making movie scenes, or not moving. Sit where you always did as you bragged on how rich we would be with one manuscript. I know you’re better. B Used To Know

“I do not have an excuse to give up.”
― Golden Son By Pierce Brown

“Friend, have the courage to care little for wealth, and shape yourself, You too, to merit godhead” ― Aeneid, Virgil.

1513 Days Without B III, Day 954 of Virgil’s Arrival

Always and Forever,
Your Son

Meditation 265 ~A B’s Value Virgil~

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“Wake up, Willie. Today is Evaluation Day. The keyword here is “value.” Do you have any?” If I were an author. But how many first drafts? If I were a dad again. I’ll always be Braxton’s. And there’s Virgil. If I weren’t so… Dumb. A “B’s” Value Virgil

Sunday, March 23, 2025

Meditation 265 ~A B’s Value Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… Perhaps you’d be a better one if you’d gotten B’s and read less about Virgil. Dante’s Inferno…

If only you had known, you would be someone’s daddy back then. But you didn’t want to see seventeen. And here you are, forty. Reborn for one more day. And short of a catastrophe, you’ll be here quite a bit longer. Do you want to add them up? It’s 6:30.

Seriously, as the song goes, “Then The Morning Comes.” And we are talking about today. Braxton is still gone… or is he? We’ll get to that. Hopefully, before you forget the thought because your computer is being difficult. Time for an upgrade. And with what money, you think. Since you’re only working three hours at your day job all this week, SIGH. It’s like they don’t need you. Who does? Um, your Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Satan’s Sorority Girls 10 ―
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 003, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

To think, you nearly made it a week with #4, but the VALUE of the moment. Keep that word in mind, VALUE. You’re not going to see the VALUE in yourself, are you? What good would that do? About as much as going to church on any other Sunday, honestly.

You didn’t find your way to one even when Braxton was dying. But you were on your knees anyway. It was to pick up Braxton. To pray for him. And to see once more the person you could be. Someone of VALUE. What brought you to your knees today, friend?

Two girls from Fear The Walking Dead, two gymnasts, and Cherry’s fantastic set of twins.

The VALUE of women. What about money? Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Beauty and the Professor ―
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

You have a whole week to work on them. Well, except for Monday. And it’s only three hours, of what. Worrying about everything. The computer, Day Job, money. Effing everything.

I had a conversation last night with Cherry. Every time she sends an attachment… It’s not your heart that jumps, thinking it’s a picture of her Yabbos. But anyway, since she’s having guy trouble, I looked up that novel I wrote. “The Eve Of A Cherry”. You’ll work on “Nightmare At The Meat Market” for M Anime, but here’s what you were thinking about. Today’s motivation… If you knew you could save Braxton, bring him back, give him the life you promised? What would you do? What’s Braxton’s VALUE? Virgil’s? Yours? A B’s Value Virgil

1512 Days Without B III, Day 953 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 262 ~B-V On Commitment Braxton~

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At 40, I’ve never lived with a woman I wasn’t related to. Never committed to a woman dating-wise; I haven’t seen sans clothing. I’ve had my Day Job for over 10 years. Eww! And who have I known longest? B? His stepmom? “B-V On Commitment Braxton”

Thursday, March 20, 2025

Meditation 262 ~B-V On Commitment Braxton~

1509 Days Without B III, Day 950 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? It’s only 6 AM here. Six in the morning, sheesh, and the day’s already ruined.

I could say that is the order of things you being dead and all. Or the fact I feel sick. Energy shots? As I said, it’s early. I feel like The Walking Dead. And I’ve been reading up on it some, considering I couldn’t pick a book this morning. To lay here with you, B…

“Every day he woke up, he told himself, ‘Rest in peace. Now get up and go to war.’ And then, after a few years of pretending he was dead, he made it out alive. And that’s the trick of it, I think. We do what we need to do, and then we get to live. But no matter what we find in D.C., I know we’ll be okay because this is how we survive. We tell ourselves that we are the walking dead.” ― TWD.

Braxton, I wanted to ask… Isn’t it sad that my longest commitment has been to mourning you? Hell! I’m sure it’s been longer for Virgil since he’s had to witness me for two and a half of them. Do you want to see a ghost? What’s with all my pop culture references? Again, so freaking early. More books, more books!

But after finishing Satan’s Sorority Girls 10 yesterday… Spoiler alert: Grayson and Robyn are going to be okay. They have millions of dollars. Grayson knocks up a few more of his witches, and everyone is fully committed to him. Who’s been that committed to me?

You’re here… in spirit… Virgil was out in the hall all night since he can’t be trusted to go to his potty spot and back. 2 and a ½ years. 3 months to get comfortable…

Nope! And I can’t say I blame him. I’ve been here 40 years, and how many times have I tried to leave? A slew of pills, starvation, I might sluice myself right out of bed looking a Yabbos. And on that note, how long have I been committed to Cherry’s?

What about your potential stepmom, M Anime? I should stop calling her that; I know only until any other potentials show up. If I keep my promise to you. I once dreamed of a beach, a wife, your two-legged siblings, and all the money in the world for us. SIGH

Am I more committed to reading books to blame myself for you or harem romances? There are worse things to give myself to. I see that every day. If only you could see my last paycheck. And since I didn’t work this week, this time next week I’ll have nothing. I can’t help but feel guilty about this… Laziness, Depression

I’ll have your memory and Virgil making his way the best way he knows how… Loyalty, commitment to a dead man. He is his father’s son. B-V On Commitment Braxton

“It’s not so bad… being dead like me,” Georgia Lass

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 259 ~B Successfully Loved Someday~

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The first time I ever had a woman, I was a successful man… The best thirty seconds of my life. Then, when I wrote a book… (laughs). I got my first, second, third job. NOPE! When I had money… Never. But my sons, B, and V. B Successfully Loved Someday.

Monday, March 17, 2025

Meditation 259 ~B Successfully Loved Someday~

Hey Dad,
It’s Me, Baby B… If you don’t believe me… If you don’t believe I’m with you. Believe that I was with my aunt.

My favorite girl took the plunge again. Marriage. “The Second Time Around” in this “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.’ It almost makes me wish you had gotten me a little sister, almost… But I suppose you have enough girls around. But I wouldn’t call you a Boy Dad. Only you did wonders for me. Virgil? You saved him. However, … How To Save A Life?

Daddy, if you knew how to do that, we would be having this conversation face-to-face. I’m sure I’d have a lot more gray and not be able to see much. But we’d be together, Dad.

That’s what you would consider a success. You said I’d at least make it to twenty. With your mourning well… I’m not leaving you alone.

Is that successful? Is that healthy? Successful to you would have been saving me. To have all the money in the world to do whatever… Healthy was us together alive. How much do veterinarians make? You wanted to be one once. But you are what you are. That’s my Dad, my father. The first one I saw every morning and the last when I shut my eyes one final time. You saw in me your success. That no matter what, Dad, you were loved, but…

One day, you failed… You said it, not me… don’t go putting words in my mouth… Uh, hello, how are we talking again? How many books have you read about A Dog’s Purpose, Journey…? You know me, and I you.

Acceptance is not success to you. It’s confession, guilt, and surrender. But tell me, Dad. Those are all things you feel this very second. So why not try… What, forgiveness?

There’s nothing to forgive. If anything, you love me always and forever. If that’s success? More like what would be success to you? Making all of our dreams a reality? You wouldn’t know how to define it, Daddy. And if I said all I wanted was you to be happy…

You’re laughing, but at least you’re not crying, which is always better, Daddy. My father.

If anything, I would have you love Virgil, yourself, writing, my future stepmom, any two-legged siblings I have, my aunt, and friends as you love me. B Successfully Loved Someday.

“Perhaps one day I’ll have two hearts to give”
― Red Rising By Pierce Brown

He follows his father, but not with equal steps.
Virgil

1506 Days Without B III, Day 947 of Virgil’s Arrival

Always and Forever,
Your Son

Meditation 258 ~Braxton Times Out Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I wanted more time, and I doubt I’ll have 40 hours at the Day Job this week. Ha-Ha! 40hrs, that’s funny. I’m a writer… But what have I written besides a few words looking up ANIME? The type I’d have to send Braxton away for. Braxton Times Out Virgil.

Sunday, March 16, 2025

Meditation 258 ~Braxton Times Out Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And while you missed your chance to watch Fallout, you still get to live your own apocalypse.

And to think you made such plans for you and Braxton once upon a time. But chances are you would be gone Day One Ish. But now that the world isn’t ending, you have the opportunity to grow and evolve. You’re not the same person you were a week ago… And that’s a good thing.

Do you dare to feel any gratitude? I am proud that you remembered to congratulate Braxton’s Favorite Girl on her nuptials with her girl today. The second time’s the charm.

And speaking of The Second Time Around Virgil Vivi is still here after yesterday’s storms. To think he can be scared of something so… NORMAL. As for you? You had another case of FOMO, waking up at 3:00 AM to splice videos of Reika Kurashiki. Seriously, *SAIMIN SEISHIDOU Hypnosis Sex Guidance #5 Obata Natsumi/Kurashiki Reika Already failing, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Life After Pet Loss: Coping with the… by Lynnlee Hunt
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 002, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 003 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

And again, I’m proud that you can accept such failings. It’s not easy, but you’re doing it. Remember what I said the other day? I would NEVER find ACCEPTANCE in Braxton’s passing. And neither will you. But you’re facing it head-on, and that’s something to be proud of. You think…

Could you do something productive instead of sending Braxton or Virgil out? You remember the days when you prayed that Braxton did something that got him sent to his room. All so you could drool over some Yabbos. When did Cherry begin teasing you with hers? You want to be a guy. Like this? A failure of Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Satan’s Sorority Girls 10 ―
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 003, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

I think not. But Braxton had nearly sixteen years to get you ready. You were twenty when you met your son and thirty-six when Braxton died. And what kind of a man are you today?

Today, you don’t want to answer that. But here you are. One more morning, bedridden. More upset that somebody is beating you with an anime blonde’s yabbos because you were ten minutes late. What about getting no time on your Day Job schedule? Needing money…

You are not worthless… You are a wraith. Well, in terms of being a womanizer… You remember Judge Wraith from Fifteen Million Merits. If anything, you’re a wimp. So’s V. You need a time out. Are you trapped? Are you Timing-Out? Braxton Times Out Virgil

1505 Days Without B III, Day 946 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 255 ~MATH, Find B, V~

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I’m glad I didn’t have audiobooks in school… I would have been an even worse Math student. But I didn’t have Braxton back then, either. Only he would be sitting under my feet as I did the books. Who’d’a thunk it? It adds up. MATH, Find B, V

Thursday, March 13, 2025

Meditation 255 ~MATH, Find B, V~

1502 Days Without B III, Day 943 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? A good day would be worth dying for. “Everything, Everything”? I never read the book but I saw the movie. Your aunt would like it.

But money for the movies… Once upon a time, Braxton, I would be cheering $200.00.

Arithmetic, sigh, was never my strong suit. But I had plans for that money, Braxton. Seriously, am I crying again? It’s only a tear or two. I remember that $600.00 was spent on COVID relief. Most of that went towards testing to figure out what was wrong with you back then. In English… Because I can’t stand Math. You were dying. But who gives a damn about the money! I’d have paid anything to save you. Or a final feast.

However, what brings us together today? It’s Monday, March 3, 2025. I’m trying to find X. No! Let’s focus on you. What would you like, B? To be with me?

$200.00 split three-ways would be $66.50 for you, $66.50 for Virgil, and $67.00 for me. Braxton, Brother My Brother. Again, I had plans for us, the world, and everything. Really? But you’ve been gone four long years, so what can I get you? Birthday, Death Day, and Christmas, so at least twelve toys. Then, everything for your memorial. Effing shrine…

What does Virgil want? I keep thinking about a crate. I want a place for him to feel safe and at home… Now, that’s the keyword Braxton. HOME. Where might that be, my B III?

“If the money is lousy
You can always come home.”
Everyone Says ‘Hi’ (Defiance Version)

“I wish I was
Homeward bound
Home where my thought’s escapin’
Home where my music’s playin’
Home where my love lies waitin’.”
― Homeward Bound

And how much is it worth to you? How much was it again to bring Virgil here, and then what? The Math ain’t Mathing. Three days, weeks, months. 943 Days.

And $67.00 won’t pay for therapy since I’ve been this way for 1502 Days. And by the time you read this, I expect the money will be gone. But on what you ask? My firstborn son. What’s a month’s or a year’s worth on the Balance App? Meditation could help.

Only I have your Infinite Playlist… and what about more audiobooks and some fancy earbuds? I’m still jonesing for a good steak. And if it’s not filling my belly, it’s filling something else… Eww! But I am looking for X, or rather three of them. There’s always a girl somewhere. M Anime in her lingerie. That was a pretty penny. But I have good boys. Virgil’s trying. I’m spending time, money… MATH, Find B, V.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 252 ~It Better B Softer~

WillLeave a comment

At best, I’m only a comfort-seeker. Or just “The Seeker,” since I lost my boy. And being a Hedonist takes work. Though my son’s fur is softer than any woman’s big, puffy… uh, never mind. In truth, I give into sloth just lying here. It Better B Softer

Monday, March 10, 2025

Meditation 252 ~It Better B Softer~

Hey Dad,
It’s Me, Baby B… Why would I leave the clouds, the bed in the garden, or wherever else you think I’ve disappeared to?

To show you the way. To prove your heart hasn’t hardened. To provide softness and security. My father. It’s when you felt safest… Your arms wrapped around me. You slept best when I sat on the corner of the bed watching you, then the door. And sitting on your head…

Well, you woke up every morning happy to be alive… No, that’s not my Dad.

Happiness? You woke up with the hope you won’t die – hope we won’t die. Because where would we go? You read about sending me to Heaven… The Rainbow Bridge.

Where are you going? Somewhere of Fire and Ice. Needless to say, the “South Side.”

“Here we are now going to the south side – to the south side
I pick up my friends, and we hope we won’t die – hope we won’t die
Ride at night, ride through Heaven and hell – Heaven and hell
Come back, love, and feel so well – feel so well.”
South Side

Daddy, you have time to listen to Moby. Now listen to me. We stay together.

We’re brothers! We’re staying together! You’re my Dad. I’m your kid. We’re staying together. I am yours, and you are mine! We’re staying together. There are lots of comfy spots.

Though I wish there weren’t so many tissues right now. Or are you investing in Kleenex? Nope, just crying over me. That’s not what today is about. Some soft words…

Instead, Daddy, I only want somewhere you can lay your head and rest your heart. Your soul? We both worry about that with Virgil around. Daddy has a good soul. Whoever would I tell that to in this place? This comfy spot of all comfy spots, still I turn home.

“I turn home. I turn to the place that I was born, to the mother who bore me and the father who taught me, long ago, long ago, long ago. Alone am I now, lost and alone in a far, wide, wondering world.”
1960’s Spartacus

Daddy, wherever you are that’s soft, safe, and smiling, I will turn to as home.

You finished texting with my stepmom this morning. Well, Virgil’s stepmom. Because she knows all about me. Ain’t a woman alive that can take my place. A pair of Yabbos…

Yeah, helps plenty. And what can I say? I am my father’s son. You remember how I was with my favorite girl. But all the SOFT things in this world. All The Small Things. Me.

What about the words that will one day give you and Virgil a better life? He deserves it, Daddy, you know that. And you have all the sour candies because you wanted to protect me from chocolate. And the bits of food you could share with Virgil. The big softy.

Love, ladies, your life, and Virgil’s. It Better B Softer

“And what is the bloodydamn point of surviving in this cold world if I run from the only warmth it has to offer?”
Golden Son

“Night reigned: all through the world tied bodies were harvesting tranquil slumber.”
Virgil, The Aeneid

1499 Days Without B III, Day 940 of Virgil’s Arrival

Always and Forever,
Your Son

Meditation 251 ~Braxton Had Time, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I had a week to myself. What have I done with the time? I need to talk to M Anime… She won’t be B and V’s stepmom… SIGH. “Nightmare At The Meat Market” is over 50,000 words, but I’m not done. But plenty of time for Animation. Braxton Had Time, Virgil

Sunday, March 9, 2025

Meditation 251 ~Braxton Had Time, Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And do you know what I see? At best, an old man. I’m not shooting for OnlyFans…

“I see pride. I see Power. I see a badass mother who don’t take no crap of nobody.”
Cool Runnings

True story and all. I’m not a fan of the movie Cool Runnings. But that line has always stuck with me. Or should I say you? Honestly, you don’t have to look in the mirror this morning. It’s time that’s beating you. And did I mention you were beating… nevermind.

If you could only beat time like other parts of your anatomy. Yeah, that part. You swear you don’t have time. But somewhere between one and three this morning, what were you up to? Eww! Whoever on X/Twitter decided to feature Tsubaki Miyajima, so naturally…

Yeah, yeah, I’m hopeless! I posted Tsubaki’s video with her lovely daughter and then returned to bed. If only Braxton were here. And what about Virgil? Oh, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Bikini Sunset: An Unconventional Romance
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Isn’t making time an Impossible Thing. Most days, I would PRAY to have B’s strength.

But today, you ask for Braxton’s courage and, most importantly, his time. How long was he gone before finding Virgil Vivi? 559 Days, if memory serves. And with that time…

There were three books, at least. Two of them you wrote for Braxton and yesterday… Slothfulness. It’s an easier sin to admit to than ending Braxton. That’s the only sin I regret passing on to you. It’s 8:36 AM… Excuse me, 9:36 AM. And of the Seven Deadly Sins, you’ve already committed four: Lust, Sloth, Envy, and Wrath. Where do you find the time, you wonder? And don’t you need to do some food shopping? Gluttony? Please! Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Life After Pet Loss: Coping with the… by Lynnlee Hunt
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 002, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

While you’re thinking about being a proud black man. Martin Luther King Jr. once said:

“The time is always right to do the right thing.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

You could live with being a good father to Virgil. And if Life After Pet Loss has it right, you were/are a good father to Braxton. But you still remember that your boy, your son…

Braxton Barks Bradford fought for every second of life. He wouldn’t even let you bring him water. B walked down the hall to his room and drank his water. And in that same hall, I’ve been spending time trying to teach Virgil that he doesn’t have to run all manic.

Except for last night, when I carried him to bed. Can’t spend all night kneeling to him, God, or Tsubaki Miyajima. Braxton Had Time, Virgil

1498 Days Without B III, Day 939 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 248 ~B Excited Someday Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Chains and whips excite me… Well, it’s more like chains, ropes, scarves, and a big enough (boulder holder) to hold a wrist. But I’d give it all up to have B on his leash again. Or for my old glasses… Yesterday was exciting… “B Excited Someday Virgil”

Thursday, March 6, 2025

Meditation 248 ~B Excited Someday Virgil~

1495 Days Without B III, Day 936 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? My day is only beginning, and I’m already disappointed. But I’m not crying… Not yet.

Excited? Only when I’m scared. When I’m being scary or amid a sin, but what am I afraid of today? Other than that, I live in a world without my protector. Where are you, Braxton?

I’ve been saying that a lot these days, B; I live in a world, fill in the blank. Because, oh no, the world is a scary place. I’m sure I scared you plenty. But not to death. I don’t think.

Anyway, I do miss your eyes. Hell! I miss my eyes this morning. The last thing I want is to get out of bed and look at myself in the mirror. Especially after what happened yesterday… The day before. As long as I’m blindly giving away $55.00. Effing new glasses!

I would pay anything to have you back, my prince. But God’s Favorite Princess… slightly less. If Cherry ever agreed to show me her Yabbos… But I respect her… Anyway…

Yesterday, Braxton, I was busy trying to be scary. Maybe even a Karen. The excitement all started when I got a message about the new frames for my glasses. My first pair broke, which hurt because they were the last you saw me in. Then I got the brown ones in memory of you… somewhat. Yesterday, MyEyeDr broke those. And so I was in their office, yelling about getting a complimentary frame. I don’t like being angry or an ass. But they pushed me B.

Only everything was not awesome yesterday, and I was excited when it was all over.

Speaking of all over, I’m glad I didn’t… all over my sheets. I know. Eww! But that was more of a financial decision than one of testicular fortitude. I’m all for God’s Favorite Princess @Luxlo, but she isn’t your stepmom. M Anime? I haven’t heard from her in a bit.

And again, if it were Cherry… But I’m not thinking of her. More like I can’t get excited over her as Virgil is now lying at the foot of the bed. Excited, expecting, entertained, ha! All Virgil knows is when I return, or he steps into the room, life is… something. You were excited because your life is/was good with me in it. Maybe V or someone will feel that.

Me? B Excited Someday Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 245 ~The Tune Of B~

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How do I hear my sons? One is my mourning, Braxton. The second is Virgil, wondering what he must do to make a name for himself. If only I could remember it like I do obscure song lyrics and the Hell MAGA brings. I play “The Tune of B.”

Monday, March 3, 2005

Meditation 245 ~The Tune Of B~

Hey Dad,
It’s Me, Baby B… And the hills are alive with the sound of music. The hills being your pillows… And you’re snoring, Dad.

I know. You don’t snore. How else could you hear every sound I made? Well, except for one. More like you did, but you were so angry back then and were trying to protect me. It was other humans that were the problem back then. Don’t cry, Daddy, please. I know.

Today, you wanted to talk to me. And not about that BIT*H from *that place*. First, I can say that because that’s a word about my kind. Four legs and all. Second, you know the place you would go to for hours. And then you’d come back mad and sad, but you would bring food.

You don’t want to talk about Grandpa, either. Humans. You are my human, my Daddy.

You would say my bark, my presence meant more to you than anything else in the world. That’s how I know you love me, Daddy.

But then you asked the glow box about Virgil. That’s what you’re thinking about today. Friday, February 28, 2025. What it said about my little brother and you being Daddy:

Virgil’s Voice:
If Virgil could speak, he might say: “I don’t know what’s chasing you, but I feel it too. You’re loud and quiet all at once, and I don’t know where to stand. I want to trust you, but I need you to see me—not him, not the dark thing you carry. I’m scared, but I’m staying. Help me stop shaking.” From, AI

Daddy, will you tell AI about me? I remember watching you do things on many glow boxes for a long time. There was one in every comfy spot I had except my room. And even then, when I was sick, you would sit and stay with me, listening to music or watching funny things. But when I got really ill and, you didn’t care. You lay beside me all night. Had I known how to save a life. Dad to son and son to Dad. Trying to hear and heal.

Glow boxes won’t do that…

Can you hear? Can you read? Are you receiving the signal? Do you copy me? Listen to me, Dad. Your dead son is speaking to you through a song written about infected/zombies in the hands of my human who wishes that he’d… No! I won’t say that. Daddy, you are ALIVE, and that means I’m ALIVE. My little brother, Virgil… Will you listen to him?

There is so much noise. And so many voices and you’re only looking for more. Like you told Lady Sophia, you were reading about bonafide fathers and soon-to-be ones, too.

Daddy, you’ve even looked into animal communicators. Seriously, who haven’t you asked? Daddy, who did I know that had the answers? He sang a good song. The Tune Of B

“Save my father if you can.”
Golden Son ―Pierce Brown

“The man you seek is here. I stand before you,”
― The Aeneid by Virgil

1492 Days Without B III, Day 933 of Virgil’s Arrival

Always and Forever,
Your Son