Tag: Goodbye

Meditation 219 ~Who Is HBK, Virgil~

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Considering how many days I’ll have without human contact, I’ll have to find new ways of humiliation. Confessing to Braxton’s Euthanasia four years ago. Virgil is here. But I’m too busy chatting with the worst wrestling fans… Who Is HBK, Virgil?

Wednesday, February 5, 2025

Meditation 219 ~Who Is HBK, Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… At least I haven’t failed before the human race… President Trump. The “man” I’m disappointed in is myself.

I haven’t bothered looking at the “Man In The Mirror” today, but it’s early Inspector.

There’s also the fact that I’ve cried twice before 9:00. Damn Eden White’s “Song Unsung” and “Yamaha” by Delta Spirit. It takes the fire out of Satan’s Sorority Girls 8.

Inspector, can we talk about HBK? Later. First, there’s B, always and forever, my boy. Braxton, my firstborn son. Between the last week of January and the first couple of weeks of February, there isn’t much fear of Humiliations Galore coming from people. Eye Doc?

Yes, I will set up another appointment. And I have to talk to the ISP. And there’s always the FEAR of my father’s arrival. But I survived losing Braxton, and with that, I’m a “Survivor.”

But today isn’t about Destiny’s Child, 2WEI, President Trump (Eff Donald Trump)! Or even The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels. So why did I bring HBK up, my dear Inspector Echo? Because I’m “Just A Man.” And how many pop culture references is that, my lady? Again, you should read Satan’s Sorority Girls 8 by Eric Vall. The man’s gone crazy.

Only if you want crazier can you read from Twitter/X from the criminal cu*k boys.

I watched the Royal Rumble, and of course, I fell in with these worst kinds of people. Funny, that’s where I find all the Trump and Elon propaganda. Say horrific things about women, and suddenly, the algorithm says MAGA to the core. Inspector Echo, really? I sent a friend this:

But she’s old and has nothing to lose. But I’m forty. Dignity, delightful people, daylight…

I lost my dog, I lost B. That’s a lie because I signed his life away. And what about mine? I’m The Heartbreak Kid, but not in the fun WWE type of way. “I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow.” And it could be I want to find myself guilty of something other than B’s Euthanasia. And, “Only God Knows Why.” For the record, that’s about seven songs, my lady.

Excuse me, eight there’s also Rakuen (Paradise). Paradise would be joining my son. It would be not thinking about all these single ladies or superstars Yabbos and saying gross things.

9, Inspector Echo. Ignorance is bliss. Who Is HBK, Virgil.

1466 Days Without B III, Day 907 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 215 ~One, Virgil, B Here~

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The one time… Um, two that I liked going downstairs. When Braxton’s favorite girl and I had a movie night. And then moving things back upstairs for Braxton’s “memorial.” Virgil’s still here. And who am I, Dante or some character? One, Virgil, B Here.

Saturday, February 1, 2025

Meditation 215 ~One, Virgil, B Here~

Hey Lady Lu,
I am a Billionaire right now… So, by this point, I have built Braxton Barks Bradford, a temple mightier than the pyramids.

My son, my shining prince. And who am I, Pharaoh? If I had started earlier, I would have watched The Ten Commandments or Malcolm X last night, Dear Lady Lunalesca.

However, it was the usual day. What is “normal” about my son being euthanized, Luna?

That it happened four years ago. And how did I spend this fourth anniversary? Breathing.

Yes, I woke up to find that was still the case, though I was up till around one this morning.

So how did I spend yesterday? It was standard. I only left once to pick up a burger, fries, and a shake. I shared them with Virgil in honor of Braxton. I cried six times.

Lunalesca, who’s counting. Two meals, four movies, and 1462 Days.

That’s around four years. The fourth anniversary of my Braxton’s loss to the world, Lu.

I can’t help but feel it should have been me. The thought of reaching for that one thing in my nightstand, you know what I mean, it crossed my mind. But then I think, who would be here for Virgil? Was I there for Braxton when he needed me most?

Well, considering Braxton isn’t here anymore… The only mess I almost made was with the second head, recreating Lester Burnham’s shower scene from American Beauty.

Lunalesca, how dare I! But I didn’t finish. I didn’t deserve to. Braxton is DEAD! Lately, there hasn’t been any particular song playing in my head. As you can see, it’s mostly movie quotes. It was tradition for Braxton and I. Our movie nights… Then his aunt came along, too.

Lunalesca, she has her own stuff. Cherry is always writing. And M Anime finally got back to me, but of course, I was fulfilling A Dog’s Purpose. Really? Somehow! Lunalesca.

“So, in all my lives as a dog, here’s what I’ve learned. Have fun, obviously. Whenever possible, find someone to save, and save them. Lick the ones you love. Don’t get all sad-faced about what happened and scrunchy-faced about what could. Just be here now.” From Bailey, A Dog’s Purpose

If I could be so lucky. If only my sons were. But I’ve been stuck in the past with both.

Virgil will have a future if neither one of my heads pops off. If you get my drift. The future:

Black History Month begins today
Feb 4. Braxton was cremated
Feb 10. Braxton was returned
Feb 13. Braxton’s twentieth birthday
Feb 14. M Anime, Valentine?

And let’s not forget where I was this time last year or in 2021. But the one lesson from last night. Be here now… Without Braxton? One, Virgil, B Here

Tale 215 B For Virgil’s Freedom

Gospel 215 Act From Desire Not Insecurity

1462 Days Without B III, Day 903 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 213 ~No Plan B, Virgil~

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R.I.P. Braxton. No, that would be tomorrow, the 31st. Four years ago, no food was in the house, and Braxton wasn’t eating his. Why did I even go out? I should have starved myself with him because without him… There’s No Plan B, Virgil.

Thursday, January 30, 2025

Meditation 213 ~No Plan B, Virgil~

1460 Days Without B III, Day 901 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Can we pretend it’s another day I don’t want to talk about for a while?

The day BEFORE you died. I wasn’t planning on it. Ha, neither were you, Braxton.

Always and Forever; that was the plan. And if I could do it all again, B. Like you sent me:

When does the reason become the blame?
When does a man become a monster?
Forgive me
― Just A Man

I’ve been thinking about this query all day. And at the Day Job, I got my answer B III. Um…

It’s when I had you euthanized. I swear all the books I’ve read about the “good death,” Little Braxton. What is the plan for me to see it that way and not Ninth Circle worthy?

Treachery and the price of said treachery, I readily accept. But Acceptance of your loss…

NEVER! So, my son, what are my weekend plans? Hmm.

As I said, the day before you died, four years ago, I was here, Gospel 213 “Will “B” Seeing You.” Braxton, last year it was Tale 213, “To B Okay, Virgil.” If Virgil wasn’t here…

However, Virgil is here. Only I should have followed you to the bridge. Rainbow Bridge? I ain’t getting into Heaven. Even if my greatest accomplishment in life was the way I loved you. I love you still, my son. And if what I did was the greatest love and mercy…

Braxton, I did not plan on living this way. And to plan on dying… Do not tempt me B III. I survived your… ascendance that first year alone. And Virgil arrived in August of 2022.

He’s been here 901 Days.

But you have been gone 1460 Days. And “tomorrow and tomorrow, and tomorrow” B III.

I plan to talk to the ladies, Sophia and Luna, so I can spend the day remembering you, B, and nothing else. I’ll need to move everything back upstairs like it was. As you know…

TRADITION, tradition! Tradition! And no, B, I won’t be watching Fiddler on the Roof. Only there will be movies and McDonald’s because you love their fries. And BBQ for dinner.

But what movies and how much will I cry? Blood, sweat, and tears, Braxton. Inevitable. Blood on my hands. Again, if Virgil wasn’t here… Not enough sweat to save you. And if only tears could bring you back to me. There’s No Plan B, Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 212 ~Virgil On B’s Whereabouts~

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While I don’t remember the day, there was the look in Braxton’s eyes as we sat at the front door. He’s here, I’m here, and that was enough for both us. But V looks so lost. Indeed, I lost my way in this place, after B… Virgil On B’s Whereabouts.

Wednesday, January 29, 2025

Meditation 212 ~Virgil On B’s Whereabouts~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… I should have done more. What… Sin? I’ve actually been a very good boy. Wednesday, January 22, 2025.

So, where is Braxton? For that matter, where is Virgil? 2:30 PM… “Do You Know Where Your Children Are?” One out of three or more ain’t bad. So Inspector? Braxton?

Considering from where you’re sitting… the week Braxton died? But at this moment, there have been a few tears for my firstborn son. I need only think of Braxton’s name, then… Only if you mean literally Braxton is in his box on the nightstand. And the pendant on top of that when I’m not wearing it. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. Braxton’s soul.

Virgil Vivi Bradford is at the foot of the bed as usual. Breathing, Existing, Sleeping.

Inspector, in doing that, he’s keeping me out of trouble. Zone-Tan, Adore Me and MILFS?

I told you earlier today in Meditation 205 ~B Nights, See Virgil~ I’ve been reading Ryan and His Beauties 2, which, simply put, is about Ryan and the newcomers to his growing “family,” the Milf Jody and her daughter Olivia. For Braxton’s sake, can I keep it in my pants? However, as I said, Braxton’s passed away. Virgil’s snoring away. But what about some two-legged kids? Uh, with who? M Anime? Valentine’s Day, Dear Inspector.

Regrettably, I’ve been unable to focus on my Lost Boy today, Inspector. Or on the idea that he’ll have siblings, I’ll tell about his life one day. ‘Well, my left hand’s free,’ I say, but it’s a crude joke. Where is the man I was when I was mourning Braxton?

Hell! Where is my money? This is my son B III, whom we’re talking about; this is his fourth year of being gone. Birthdays, Christmases, and the day he passed away, so 12 gifts, Inspector?

And where do I send those gifts? How do I afford said gifts when I’m too busy looking up Dakimakura, things to show off M Anime’s assets, and more books? What would Braxton even want? To be alive. V wants back in this room. Relax, Inspector, it ain’t even like that. You can only sleep for so long. And since V’s bathroom training is subpar…

He’s a good dog looking for a friend. Braxton’s a dead one looking for his Daddy. Who and where am I? Virgil On B’s Whereabouts

1459 Days Without B III, Day 900 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 208 ~Braxton’s Dead, Virgil’s Dad~

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Seven Days… I wish I’d seen The Ring movie. I’d have followed my Braxton. Seven Days… on Sunday, January 31, 2021, my son would be gone. So, four years later, how do I start today. Dead and Dad are separated by a letter… Braxton’s Dead, Virgil’s Dad

Saturday, January 25, 2025

Meditation 208 ~Braxton’s Dead, Virgil’s Dad~

Hey Lady Lu,
I am a Billionaire right now… And if the USA has taught me anything, you don’t have to be a genius, Lunalesca.

If you learn to steal, are found guilty of “SA,” and have the “right” skin tone, i.e., white, well, you too can be President of the United States of America. But why speak on Trump?

Because as I lay in the bedroom’s darkness this morning, I needed something… Horrible, Horrific, and Hateful but truthful. Though Donald Trump still has a ways to go, Lady Lu.

What am I saying? Nothing compares to the passing of my son Braxton Barks Bradford.

No wonder my dreams protected me from that fact last night. I had a dream about the show Squid Game. And Damien Priest was yelling at me about rejecting MAGA. FDT. But also, talk about men I find intimidating Luna; it definitely ain’t Donald Trump.

But back to my firstborn son. At this time last year, I was still talking to my Lost Boy, Lu.

I’ve been reading a lot recently. And that conversation was Tale 208, “Will B Talking, Virgil.” And four years prior, being the selfish man that I am, Lunalesca. On Monday, January 25, 2021, I worked on my rules Gospel 208, “Collective Madness Is Called Sanity.” I was in a rant about sin. Not knowing that I would commit the greatest.

Lunalesca, tell any father that their son they’d sworn to protect, their progeny, my pancake… Braxton would be dead in a week. Kidney Failure and by my own hand. Nope!

But that Sunday, January 31, 2021. You can call it love but betrayal Lunalesca, Treachery.

Do you know why E is not in the grading system A, B, C, D, and F? Lunalesca, I found that E. Braxton had a Dad. THAT’S ME! But add an E, and what do you get… Dead. That doesn’t bode well for Virgil. Is that why I’ve never fully accepted him as my secondborn?

Lunalesca, my latest book, Surviving Pet Death by Gracie Wyatt, isn’t helping. Did any book.

What? I bought it this morning, along with Satan’s Sorority Girls 8. Again, what? Today, it was Kindle Double Points, and I’m putting money in the hands of billionaires. Or watching non-geniuses commit crimes. Sara Malakul Lane’s movie last night…

Lunalesca, it’s safe to say my positivity is officially gone because Braxton’s Dead, Virgil’s Dad?

1455 Days Without B III, Day 896 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 206 ~B Leaving Sucks Virgil~

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I tell Braxton and Virgil all the time that I’m leaving. It’d be worse if I took them along. The groomers, the vet’s office, or their grandparents. But if I go somewhere without them… Who returns is worse or won’t stay long. “B Leaving Sucks Virgil.”

Thursday, January 23, 2025

Meditation 206 ~B Leaving Sucks Virgil~

1453 Days Without B III, Day 894 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’m still trying to pretend today didn’t happen. That would be Monday, January 20, 2025.

Martin Luther King Jr Day… While I wish I could have done something to honor Dr. King, I don’t have a problem with it. Your Daddy, an African-American Author, Braxton.

I find myself giving too much credit to my own strength. Let’s be Real, my little B. You spoke to me today. Whether it was a ghost, a spirit, or my own madness, I consider any communication from my firstborn son a blessing. It’s not an acceptance of your passing but a reminder of the pain I carry. Always, forever

Inevitably, that brings us to today. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris leaving and Trump’s Inauguration. I had to go back to bed because I got sick. I’ll stick close to the bathroom for a while.

I know Braxton. Eww! Better out than in. But speaking politically as Padmé Amidala said:

“So this is how liberty dies with thunderous applause” — Padmé Amidala, Revenge of the Sith

It’s not just the pain, sickness, and insanity that won’t leave. It’s our country’s state and your absence, Braxton. Don’t get me wrong, B, ‘Nothing compares. Nothing compares to you,’ as Sinéad O’Connor sang. But it’s one more song for your playlist. How many reminders of your absence are there…

Anything beats the voice of the US today… 3 days futuristically. Too Good at Goodbyes. At the same time, I refuse to utter those words. Ask anybody at the Day Job. That’s one more reason we’re talking today. With the Day Job, it’s always later because Virgil and I have to eat. This reminds me that I need to take that shrimp from the freezer.

However, that’s the rub, Braxton. I love leaving, but where do I go? Nowhere, Braxton.

“Where you gonna go, where you gonna run, where you gonna hide? Nowhere… ’cause there’s no one like you left.” — Carol Malone from Body Snatchers

Every day, I watch you, my greatest friend, and Virgil, a good dog who just wants to be loved, get left behind by me. But it’s not just them I leave. It’s the feeling of being alone because I leave for the worst things, Braxton.

Seriously, what happened to my positivity? I told myself it wouldn’t last. And with today? But I did get another book idea, revelation, epiphany… Again, that’s too much, Little B.

So my idea… When I end up in Hell, I will walk away from you, from one door to the next, leaving. I’ll climb out a bed to the Day Job, bathroom, and vet’s office over and over like Annie Collins-Nielsen, believing I’m alive. Breathing. How to escape. Remembering Virgil’s name. B Leaving Sucks Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 205 ~B Nights, See Virgil~

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The morning is looking better than last night. I’m so busy “talking” that I don’t have to think, and isn’t that normal… But I would rather be talking to B or falling asleep with him watching over me. Positive days. Better. “B Nights, See Virgil”

Wednesday, January 22, 2025

Meditation 205 ~B Nights, See Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo (my inner voice and guide)
For I have sinned… Can’t I do anything right? Even the simple act of sleeping eludes me. Last night was particularly rough. Virgil slept soundly, a stark contrast to my restless night.

If Virgil spends three hours… or more howling for me to come back. I swear… the neighbors must hate me if he’s making all that noise. I came back from a three-hour shift, and Virgil was losing his effing mind. Do I want to be thought of or completely ignored?

Anyway, so last night, first, my mind was going bonkers. How could I tell right?

Inspector, I had so many worries bouncing back and forth that I turned to meditation…

It didn’t help… However, I did drift off at some point during the night. But considering I was up at 4 AM, fell back to sleep at 5:40 AM, and slept for another hour… Inspector?

It’s another day slipping away, weighed down by the relentless demands of life. My LIFE? Eff!

On a brighter note, I found solace in the absence of nightmares about my son, Braxton. For that, I am truly grateful. Say what?

Inspector, that’s a positive? How dare I show gratitude for that. If anything, I didn’t have to call upon the greatest tragedy in “MY LIFE” to hold back everything else. Again, when existing becomes too much to endure… And trust me, I have looked at my special drawer with longing curiosity. I usually call upon Braxton’s loss. “I’m still breathing. I’m Alive!” If I survived the loss of my child, yes, “MY CHILD!” That nothing on this Earth can hurt me. Not even a Trump Presidency… God! I’m avoiding the news like a GD plague.

Eff Donald Trump, FDT! Fortunately, he wasn’t in my nightmares. It was my worries and… GULP! Women! But before we get into that. What had me all pretzel-shaped last night:

  1. Returning my ISP’s stuff
  2. Paying the Termite Inspector
  3. Paying off Waste Management
  4. Low Tire Pressure Warning
  5. My Day Job Performance
  6. Keeping The Heat On
  1. Arranging an Eye Appointment
  2. Paying off the “HOA”
  3. Whatever Donald Trump Does
  4. Braxton Barks Bradford Memorial

I’m sure there’s more Inspector Echo, but now you see why I don’t have time for those Six Impossible Things I write down every week. Between this Inspector and women…

Whatever! Another excuse for drooling over “Ryan and His Beauties 2.” I’m falling behind “Satan’s Sorority Girls” 8 and 9. Yet, somehow, I sleep; Virgil too. B Nights, See Virgil

1452 Days Without B III, Day 893 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 201 ~Virgil On B’s Ending~

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A bang or a whimper? I’ve seen many an end in forty years. Sometimes, it’s the flick of a finger on the screen. It could be a lawsuit. A moan and release over a brunette. Or my B speaking to my heart, asking, “Why can’t I stay?” Virgil On B’s Ending.

Saturday, January 18, 2025

Meditation 201 ~Virgil On B’s Ending~

Hey Lady Lu,
I am a Billionaire right now… This means I should leave the country for four years or so. Don’t I wish… But

Then again, I wish I didn’t need to leave the house. That would be at the top of Virgil’s wish list. And I’m sure that Braxton would approve. But what else is new? My revelation?

Yesterday, while I was shopping… And because of both my phone issues and my earwax. Eww! I know Lady Lunalesca. Anyway, I was left to my thoughts. Were they positive?

I thought about Braxton and my partnership and why we got along so well… Lunalesca. Braxton and I both hate people. And so I’m walking around thinking of this. Uh…

We need a new plague, Lady Lunalesca, with Trump about to be back in office; who knows. But that’s another story, and I thought I was trying to be positive. The thought of Trump’s return and the state of the world can be overwhelming sometimes.

Positive! You’re gonna be positive! But that’s just it, Lady Lunalesca. I was standing there in Walmart, overcome by such rage for humanity. And I remembered that Braxton felt the same way. And to think Braxton passed away because of my indifference. I hid rage. Not at him, of course. And it’s the same thing with Virgil. Only replace ANGER with FEAR. Braxton and I balanced each other. But the fact that I can endure such horror with Virgil. Think of it, Lady Lunalesca. How strong must Virgil and I be to continue to exist?

Even when I’m lost in a maze of confusion. When life is a costly affair? When some pretty brunette fills me with carnal desire? I swear my streak of checks notes of one day nearly ended just this morning, Lunalesca.

Could I give a specific part of my anatomy a rest for the next two weeks? In honor of B

Lunalesca, am I meant to end my days in this bed mourning Braxton Barks forever. I’ve been thinking about Braxton’s ending. Oh, and not Yevgeny Zamyatin’s “WE.” I finished that this morning and had to look up the plot because… What the eff, Lady Lu.

I thought about starting Satan’s Sorority Girls 8. On the grounds, I was reading an Eric Vall book when B III left me. Lunalesca, I could do that next week. But my lady, the end is yet to come. Several…

Well, TikTok’s end is Sunday, January 19, 2025. And Trump’s in power the day after. Lunalesca, Braxton’s passing was the 31st. Virgil On B’s Ending

1448 Days Without B III, Day 889 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 199 ~Plans B Thru V~

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Braxton wasn’t very good at planning, either. Like father, like son. The plan is to stay in bed or under it, in his case, and make the world go away. Like whatever I sniffed at the Day Job has me all queasy. But there’s life… Plans B Thru V

Thursday, January 16, 2025

Meditation 199 ~Plans B Thru V~

1446 Days Without B III, Day 887 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’m still a day away, or rather 1446. We’re going on four long years, son.

Eff! I’m effed! You’re effed! Everything is effed! And not in the Carrie Cummings sort of way. The cute chick I was looking up this Wednesday, January 15, 2025. (Drools). From plans to pornography, everything seems to be in disarray.

Braxton, I know. Eww! I’m supposed to be positive. But today, I’ve been going back and forth between being sick. It’s Been a tough day, B III. It’s like a never-ending cycle, son. Whenever I get over one thing, like earwax, there’s always something else.

A queasy stomach? And my leg as well. It’s like the moment I’m headed out to the Day Job, Braxton, my leg is on fire. And with what’s happening on Monday B. Run Boy Run?

I should be making plans to live, somehow, someway. But I really want, Braxton, to find a way to connect with you. You were/are my son, Braxton. Always and Forever.

As the song goes, “I don’t fear shh but tomorrow.” I’m a black man, a Dad, and for a few minutes… uh, a writer. But Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream. And brother Malcolm:

“In fact, not even as an American, because if I was an American, the problem that confronts our people today wouldn’t even exist. So I have to stand here today as what I was when I was born: a black man. Before there was any such thing as a Republican or a Democrat, we were black.” ― Malcolm X (1992)

I swear, even if I knew what to do, I wouldn’t know what to do. There’s the Inauguration of a racist. THEY won’t like me saying that. You and me, Braxton, “We men, ain’t we?”

There’s the fact I’m becoming broker and broker Day Job-wise. I don’t wanna work… Huh?

Then how will I pay for all the things Virgil desperately needs? And when I can remember the name of the living, what about you, Braxton? Because starting the twenty-fifth…

What’s another week of remembrance? How do I honor you?

I haven’t read a book on Pet Loss so far this year. A part of me wants to perform the burning of the funeral garments like in Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. Uh, didn’t I, B?

Your box is sitting here, and I’ve only opened it once. And I owe you so many gifts, my son. But you tell me that you’re still here. Whatever will you tell me next week?

Recovering from everything from this month, what will I be doing in February? M Anime? Boy, don’t I wish! But she wouldn’t appreciate that. I asked to be her Valentine last year…She forgot, B. She’s got no plans to be your stepmom or my conquest. Revelations, dreams, a plan B. Thinking… Plans B Thru V

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 198 ~B Emotional Virgil, Indifference…~

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All from a thirty-minute trip. I can remember days when I feared no evil. I remember days when fear, anger, and evil were everything. My son and I fighting my father. B’s loss. A fast food trip. And yet I smile. B Emotional Virgil, Indifference…

Wednesday, January 15, 2025

Meditation 198 ~B Emotional Virgil, Indifference…~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… But on Tuesday, January 14, 2025, this afternoon, I rather talk about emotions. Being afraid, angry, and indifferent.

And my GRATITUDE for it… What do you expect, Echo? You want my positivity now.

All it takes is a thirty-minute trip to the gas station, McDonald’s, and “home” again.

Inspector, that’s why I’m afraid. Really! What is it that I tell Braxton? From Spontaneous:

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

There I was driving, and the fear, sadness, and anxiety overflowed like my orange soda. And it is not ok to “live” like this. I swear sitting here one more day in bed. Being scared. And when I leave this room… It’s no good for V, either. But we sit together, exhausted by our fears, or is it the fast food. And what would Virgil know about any females, Inspector?

And like a great king said… And yet, I smile.

Even through the anger… That’s what comes next, Inspector. At both man and machine. Monsters, both real and imaginary. Both mostly at myself. My dear E, I’m “Just A Man.”

Please, if only. And for the record, I’m not worthy of this song or “Like A Prayer. All the awesome things Braxton sends my way. And who am I? Not the brave man beside him. I’m frozen in fear and must summon up the blood, rage, and darkness that becomes the blaze to get myself moving. The fire under my feet, a step closer on the Highway To Hell. Run Boy Run. B and my “unofficial” theme song. To or from battle? I don’t know.

Inspector, does it even matter anymore? And yet, I smile.

Because I feel something. And that, above all, beats Indifference. It wasn’t fear or anger…

Ok, so maybe there was some anger. But I’ve admitted I wanted to protect Braxton, Inspector. My anger was never about him. So I tried to feel nothing, which cost me my son, B III.

But when I’m sitting in the middle of the road, Inspector Echo, having a breakdown…

And why? I can’t tell you. But I had to let it go and become the Dad I was before I knew my son was dying. The damned man I am and was come four years ago. A dead man.

And yet, I smile, Inspector. I have GRATITUDE. I can try and save Virgil. Tell him, B Emotional Virgil, Indifference…

1445 Days Without B III, Day 886 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will