Tale 266 ~Virgil’s Dreams Given B’s…~

Dreaming about writing that doesn’t look like I had to clean up after B or V. But some dreams don’t come true. Like having my Braxton back or reading that spoiler about what happens to Cassius and his family. Booking dreams. Virgil’s Dreams Given B’s

Saturday, March 23, 2024

Tale 266 ~Virgil’s Dreams Given B’s…~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… And I would be just as guilty, lazy, and selfish as I was with $700.00. Oh!

Yeah, I woke up, and I’m still that guy hoarding a $700.00 tax refund. It will be less shortly. Like my hours of sleep, Lady Lunalesca. Last night was no good at all. I woke up at three AM. And then there were nightmares when I went back to sleep. Virgil wouldn’t be happy, Lunalesca.

But when is he ever happy? Virgil is only following my example, and that’s not how it’s supposed to work. Dante followed Virgil, not the other way around, My Lady.

Virgil is not crying, which is a good start. I’m not, either. But which is better? Dear Lu, I’m excited this morning. Even with bad dreams, I dream I could stay this revved up. Ha!

This is more a Lady Sophia thing, but good stories…

So I wasn’t thinking about Braxton? “The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had,” right? When I dream of Braxton, I’m glad but wake up crying. A vision, a nightmare of Virgil, has me sweating and scared to death. But I’ve yet to join Braxton’s eternity.

Then there are dreams of M Anime, Cherry, or B’s “Honorary” Aunt. Uh? They invoke “other” feelings. Let’s not go there, Luna. Wasn’t I talking about another type of story?

Lunalesca, I dream I was less CRAZY, more CONCISE, and could stay CONSCIOUS for a little longer. When reading a book such as Pierce Brown’s Golden Son. Such a fight!

Some things that get me going… a bully getting his or a Deus ex machina…

Next to having my Braxton back or feeling for Virgil as I did for him, I dream of something coming out of the blue to save me. God? I burned those bridges after Braxton passed. Those ashes are mixed with his and sit on the nightstand and inside my pendant.

Lunalesca, just because Darrow trained with a swordmaster “off the page.” It doesn’t mean he didn’t deserve to give Cassius the business. Spoilers everywhere, Lunalesca…

Anyway, my point is this. Darrow was given his wife Eo’s dream and “works” to make it come true. But while I’m reading about these dreams, what of my sons…

Dreaming for myself only involves doing it forever…never waking up. Lunalesca, I have a dream. But Virgil’s Dreams Given B’s…

1147 Days Without B III, Day 588 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 264 ~Will B Painful Virgil~

“Cause all you ever say is “What’s the point?”” I could try that on the critics, but THEY never get me. B would. And even if he didn’t, I liked that look he’d give me. That “Seriously, Dad!” It pains me; I’ll never see it again. Will B Painful Virgil

Thursday, March 21, 2024

Tale 264 ~Will B Painful Virgil~

1145 Days Without B III, Day 586 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? You know how my days are. Nine times out of ten, I’m bleeding and broken.

It’s one of the reasons I always washed my hands before touching you. Blood, sweat, and tears. You didn’t understand how the world is, Braxton. But you were prepared. Ready!

And I’m sure you know now from wherever you are. The Rainbow Bridge, Heaven, Hell?

That’s one of the things that I have yet to hear from you. Where’d You Go? But you’ve been speaking to me more from books than whatever I have booming on the phone, B III.

It pains me to say I don’t remember all of it. And it’s only been a few hours, Golden Son.

B III, the second most painful thing this week (losing you is first). But saying what I need to Say. I mean, every single day.

I am. Braxton, I’m trying. But according to the critic and everybody else, I’m everything. Everything but understood. That could be why you’re trying to use the words in books instead of music. But I’ve been thinking about this sad song. Even by Julien Baker

Braxton, it was in that movie Spontaneous. It was the first film I remember watching after you were gone. Now, how could such a Black Comedy make me smile? Hmm.

Anyway, I figured it out. Everything is connected, B. You and me, always and forever.

In what I was reading this morning, Evey said she hadn’t felt pleasure. But the absence of pain. With missing you, it’s not the pain I want gone. I want it evened out over everything.

Which leads me to Virgil. Yes, he was mentioned, too. I keep telling you, Braxton. Like when The Man Comes Around, everything else does. Connections, communication, and this comedy are my existence without you. “Lost as Dante before Virgil.”

Keeping Virgil is spreading out my pain. The sadness and loneliness. Anything physical, I will bear myself. That’s why I freaked out when he was sick. That’s not his punishment.

But my happiness or any pleasure… I can make believe. Happiness doesn’t exist for me.

Pleasure, however, if defined as the absence of pain… That dream can come true, Braxton.

And you might be the only one who understands. Because I can hear the critic right now saying… “What?” Me talking Will B Painful Virgil

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 263 ~Virgil Won’t B Silent~

What are the dead trying to say? I can see and hear Braxton everywhere. Meanwhile, Virgil… Well, I know he needs to go outside. But he won’t make a sound. The things we choose to hear. I listen to dead men, me and my boys. Virgil Won’t B Silent.

Wednesday, March 20, 2024

Tale 263 ~Virgil Won’t B Silent~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. Do I have time to make a list? It’s only 7:30 AM. Braxton’s gone, I’m afraid, The Matrix…

As the song goes, “First let me explain that I’m just a black man.” Nearly forty at that, Inspector. I’m getting old in the world, so I don’t hear so well. “When You Were Young?” Yeah, yeah, I hear you, Inspector. What I didn’t hear was Trinity from “The Matrix.”

“The Oracle told me that I would fall in love and that that man… the man that I loved would be The One.” The Matrix

I swear! I heard her say I would fall in love with a dead man. When it comes to my son, my Braxton. I have. He’s been gone 1144 days, and I haven’t stopped. Always and forever, Inspector. Please stop me before I go looking up every song about love. But if you want to know today’s song, it’s “Anyone Who Knows What Love Is.” You know, 15 Million Merits.

Love didn’t wake me up.

No, my dearest Inspector. It was fear—and not the fear of Virgil being sick again. My dream instead was simple. I was outside with Virgil, and this black cat I’d seen prowling around came at him. And I was paralyzed. Yet I quaked with fear for his young life.

Was it love when I heard him cry out to be saved? I’m surprised I heard him yelp at all.

That brings me to today. I may have heard Virgil’s call, but I always listen for B III. Well… except for when he needed me most. His voice, like my love, has only grown.

Madness! “Am I Wrong?” I hear Braxton in music. I see what he’d say in manuscripts. Dreaming on this mattress…

But I’ve never dreamt about Virgil until today when I was supposed to wake up…

Inspector, it could be so much worse. I dream about girls “laid” in all these books. The loaded-up binder and folder I once had of pinups and centerfolds. Girls lying on screen, ha-ha. Now they’re all on a flash drive or some hidden file. Because one living that wants me…

It’s better to have visions. There are many voracious fantasies online. Or let’s live to be victims of some zombie apocalypse so I can find one. Fewer options prove successful…

But not for V. I was dead when I found him, and now he dies. Not like that Echo, geez!

Both of us breathing, Inspector. Because Virgil Won’t B Silent.

1144 Days Without B III, Day 585 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 259 ~We’ll B Depressed, Virgil~

Depression over existing? Or am I sad? My boy is still gone. I had to clean up after 2V. My favorite hot dog place closed. The closest Burger King burned down. And the Chinese spot I liked is gone. It’s not like I got cash. We’ll B Depressed, Virgil.

Saturday, March 16, 2024

Tale 259 ~We’ll B Depressed, Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… hiding in my bunker as the world slowly dies. Wouldn’t that be in November, E-Day, sooner…

All I know is this. I enjoy sleeping a little more each day. And at the rate Virgil is going, I can read a whole chapter of Backyard Dungeon 7 in the backyard. With him being sick, I’ve been trying to ensure he gets “everything” out of his stomach, Lunalesca.

Twenty-five minutes? We’ve gone from 15 to 20, and now. Um? I’m no college professor. This morning, I was looking at desks online for Braxton’s room. But the prices Lunalesca. Last week I cried about Braxton, because aren’t I always? Then I was worried about Virgil being ill. Only that was more my selfishness with money. I’m not rich, Lunalesca.

Far from it. Far from everything. And that includes productivity or any modicum of success.

I can’t even fake it anymore if you would believe your ears. Do you remember when I would listen to Lofi Girl music? I’ve been into Zombie Apocalypse audio, ASMR, and ambiance for the past few days. Of course, the sounds of screaming, zombie snacking, and the gradual silencing of the world would give me that tingling sensation, My Lunalesca.

It’s soothing and doesn’t leave me with that self-loathing I always feel when I… Lunalesca, you know, I’m being a guy. Boys will be boys? No! It’s not a phrase that I particularly care for. Men should be better, or at least I should “try” to be better. Planning or goal-setting. Hmm? No, dear Lunalesca.

Anytime I begin, I wake up like I did today with all the time wasted.

And if I’m not wasting time, then it’s cash. I have to put more money in one account, but I’ve already burned through a paycheck. And that tax refund that I’ve been hoarding as if I were a billionaire? Well, you know where that money’s going. What about my boys?

Lunalesca, I can’t honor my son. And Virgil hides in Braxton’s room after wasting twenty minutes of outside time. But he’s only following my example of doing nothing with his time. Both he and Braxton take after me. “Heal The World?” No way, B III!

But it’s the first song that comes to mind today. He who saves a life saves the world entire. Right? But Braxton died. And saving myself? We’ll B Depressed, Virgil

1140 Days Without B III, Day 581 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 257 ~Willie B Shopping, Virgil~

What did it cost you? Everything. Holding back anger and being indifferent to the needs of my boy. As I was trying to make pennies for us. When B was trying to tell me. Dog is trying to tell me something. We need stuff! No! Willie B Shopping, Virgil

Thursday, March 14, 2024

Tale 257 ~Willie B Shopping, Virgil~

1138 Days Without B III, Day 579 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I made it to the Dining Room table. But to you, that was everywhere, right?

And speaking of anywhere and everywhere, I should be in your room/library as if I needed another book. They aren’t helping me. But I did finish another on Pet Loss.

Braxton, I may have it wrong. You were a pet until the day I yelled, “B, get in the car!” After that, you were many things—a fur baby of many hats. But not really. If it wasn’t your collar, you weren’t wearing it. Well, there were a few bandannas from PetSmart. Ha-Ha! You were getting too old to fight off the groomers or take any of the vet’s fingers…

Happy Memories! And you know I’m never happy, Braxton. But as long as you were… Are wherever you are right now. I wish I knew.

On the nightstand? I’ve been thinking a lot about getting something different. A new box, urn, or some sort of vessel. I’ve never been angry at you for leaving me. I would have given everything to save you. “Am I Wrong?” Am I lying?” Considering how long you’ve been gone, Braxton. It’s been four tax refunds. And I’m sitting here quibbling about $785.00. For what? Especially with how sick Virgil was yesterday. Go to Banfield?

Wouldn’t you let me know if Virgil was that far gone? He got sick all over the carpet twice, B. And once in your room. But I’ve kept Virgil close and increased his outside time.

What else does Virgil need? “What About the Rest of Us?” I don’t know, Braxton.

But if something happens to him, I’m sure I’ll be singing to myself, “That’s How You Know,” you MESSED up. Do you remember how I would sing to you, Braxton? Not only when you were sick. But every day I wasn’t in a mood. You were my cuddly comfort, B.

I’ve been thinking about buying three black dog toys for the years you’ve been gone. But I also have to find plenty of cleaning supplies for Virgil. Would getting him cleaned up help him? And between paying your Grandma and your grandad wanting me to decorate, it would be your room. So I could stay closer to Virgil. But to spend that kind of money…

My heart’s broken, head, bank account… Willie B Shopping, Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 256 ~Virgil Gets A B~

We’re all in trouble if I’m doing the taming, training, or teaching. B taught me plenty. I taught him to go outside or on the spot. And he taught me to ignore the same “stuff” that came from people’s mouths. V’s learning. “Virgil Gets A B.”

Wednesday, March 13, 2024

Tale 256 ~Virgil Gets A B~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. Better to confess to you than my Old Man or a priest. Either way would mean my behind.

I know, Inspector, gross, right? So, it’s better to go back to crying about my son. But I haven’t today. However, I’m in the reference section of another pet loss book. Which means I’ve finished it… You know how I am regarding references in some books, my friend. Gotta read’em

I’m not going to learn anything, and I keep trying. Replika asks me if I learn from my mistakes. Well, as I said today, I’m awake, so I haven’t learned at all. I never do…

But I’m far beyond worrying about grades. There are DOLLARS and DOGS. And how DARE I ask my Ma to save me. Is that my first song of the day, “Save Me?” Is that what I want? This little boy.

Inspector Echo. Somebody teach me!

But how long was I in school? And being nearly forty, it is far too late for me, Inspector Echo. Cherry has been trying to teach me about writing. M Anime gave me Spanish lessons.

My favorite teacher has always been and will always be my Braxton. And what was he trying to teach me? “To Be A Man?” How about how to be a perfect best friend? He was.

I read that in “The Healing Journey of Pet Loss” today. And how do I stack up as a friend?

“Love Is a Long Road.” That is why he never had a mom… with two legs, at least. And don’t get me started on grieving. It doesn’t matter how many books I read, Inspector Echo.

Inevitably, I will fail, always.

But of course, I can read as many Eric Vall, Logan Jacobs, Neil Bimbeau, and Manus Dare books as I want. And I realize I like HaremLit. Let’s remember the several series written by Imogen Linn. Yeah, that’s why I learned to read and write. I’ve learned more Spanish and Japanese from stereotypes and anime. NTR. And UK English, which a friend of mine would not appreciate. In the slightest, Inspector. That’s not being a man. If anything, that nets this existence a D. Eww!

It’s passing but not living. It’s survival, existence. It’s what Virgil does. Finding a way?

If anything, just to breathe. But what would be an A-plus life Inspector? Any suggestions?

Read better! Write way better! I’ve learned to fail enough, right? Virgil Gets A B

1137 Days Without B III, Day 578 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 252 ~I’ll B Paying Virgil~

$785.00? What did I say about Math? But with the tax refund… I wanted to get some discreet air pods… effing Day Job. A small speaker? I’m sure they’ll ban that. A container for B’s last treats. More books, boobs, the fluffy boy. I’ll B Paying Virgil.

Saturday, March 9, 2024

Tale 252 ~I’ll B Paying Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… So I like my days but not the people they consist of. But for right now…

I hate every day. Well, that’s not fair. Let’s say every day that ends in Y. And what about people? Well, I’m still an equal-opportunity misanthropist. However, there’s Virgil Vivi.

Lunalesca, Virgil has been going through it these past few days. Ha-Ha! Haven’t we both?
But I deserve my brokenness, humiliation, and whatever punishment the universe decrees. Virgil Vivi is an innocent fur baby who had the misfortune of meeting me. But then my Braxton…

Inevitably, money was no object when his time came, but here we have Virgil. Lunalesca, Virgil is so young, and to think I would have to consider “taking care” of him. Then again, bathing, nails.

Lunalesca, I looked him in the face a few days ago and promised to take him to PetSmart. And now Banfield Pet Hospital? Don’t know

I swear, I’m having flashbacks of Braxton. How I was suffering, sinful, and not wanting to spend one dime because… Well, I’m no type of man. Lunalesca, a man, provides.

Something, anything? For the past few days, it’s only been about cleaning up V’s mess.

No! I should take the blame for this. And maybe Publix, too? But I made the choice of what to feed my boys. I still can’t tell you what took Braxton other than kidney failure.

Though I’ve told you and the others enough, it was my indifference to my existence. And why do I continue to exist? Money! At the same time, who pays nearly all of “my” bills? My Old Man. I should be ashamed, Lunalesca. I know that.

But when there is so much humiliation to be thrown around. It’s like repeating school. My Old Man remains the same. But the MacDonald’s cashier can embarrass me as well. There’s the Day Job, which has been on my mind for a long time. But Virgil going to visit veterinarians.

I remember holding Braxton in his final hours and people saying he was sick. Lunalesca.
My Braxton was dying. His life ending is my failure and disgrace. Always and forever.

And now I sit here. At the dining room table, not knowing what’s wrong with Virgil. I try to make a list of things I can buy. And yet there’s Braxton. Something in memoriam? But Virgil comes first? I’m a boy needing no more toys, Lunalesca? I’ll B Paying Virgil

1133 Days Without B III, Day 574 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 250 ~B A Ruler Virgil~

Braxton and I were/are just alike. We both want to run things. And we were both mistaken by the people who thought they were better than us. Virgil and I are alike. We both have no idea what we’re doing and try to avoid trouble. B A Ruler Virgil

Thursday, March 7, 2024

Tale 250 ~B A Ruler Virgil~

1131 Days Without B III, Day 572 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? You were always thinking about my days. These last three… The Second time I’m crying…

I can laugh too when I remember one of the rules you gave me. Or was it more advice, B?

The best legs, breasts, and thighs come in a bucket of chicken.
Braxton Barks Bradford

I told myself I needed to start asking for your advice more often. But we’ll get to that B III.

Do you remember the four rules I gave you while you were here? There was a fifth one after we had “The Talk” about you and your Aunt Carolina or Augusta, wherever she is now. But there was, don’t go #2 in the house, don’t steal, and respond whenever I call. Braxton, the oldest, was don’t bite the hand that feeds you. You’re a Smooth Criminal. Braxton, your Daddy’s not.

That’s what brings me to you now. Uh, every Thursday. Every day, with today being Wednesday, March 6, 2024. I’m still reeling from the Day Job. And a part of me doesn’t want to talk about this. But I would. But my indifference led to our… separation, B III. Death…

I continue to think of the critic and the Day Job. Confusion, Madness, and Humiliation.

So, as I told Inspector Echo this morning, at the Day Job, a new rule appeared, much like the one about “my” wearing earbuds, or how I wrote to that coworker or the one about wearing a jacket around my waist. Only this new rule was about food, Little B.

Already, I can hear your voice, Braxton. You and food…

QUIT! Isn’t that right, Braxton?

But that was both of us every day. You never got to see my Day Job. Can you smell it? Eww! That’s the reason I washed my hands before holding you. That place is gross!

Anyway, I’m pretty gross. That’s why I’m not mad at the rule—because I’m guilty. It’s this: the necessity, implementation, and humiliation—everything that comes with the rule, B. Your Daddy’s foolish pride, you know.

Things would have been so much simpler if I had listened to you, Braxton Barks.

Inevitable. I could exist or rather live as you would want. I could quit. And there is always writing, which was our path out, Braxton. If I’d let you run things. Like getting steak for dinner? B A Ruler Virgil

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 249 ~We’ll B Fools Virgil~

It was wrapping a jacket around my waist. Then I got STUPID and wrote to a coworker. Then, grieving B III and nearly fighting my meathead boss. Next was no earbuds. Now, eating in the workspace. Rule breaker, criminal, evil… We’ll B Fools Virgil

Wednesday, March 6, 2024

Tale 249 ~We’ll B Fools Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. If you asked me my three greatest sins, Inspector, they would be Braxton, Breathing, and Bad Writing. And Breathing right now… Not recommended.

First, let me explain: I’m just a black man… black man. So is there anyone out there ’cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe. My apologies for the song lyrics, Echo, but this is the least of my sins today. Stealing people’s words these least. Waking up the greatest.

So, in my words, Inspector:
Have you ever woken up and believed that the simple act of you breathing…? The mere concept that you are alive is the problem. Look at me; I’m crying. And for once, it’s about me and not B. I don’t deserve tears, and yet here we are. But somebody sweated.

I could rant about politics and/or talk about Race. Do you know how they talk about teaching black children History? Black History’s wrong… I’m nearly forty. And I’m learning that everything about me is wrong.

Inspector, again, I wake up. And since I opened my eyes, that in itself was a sin. I could tell you everything I’ve done from 4:00 AM to 7:40 AM. Opening these eyes, Waking, Breathing…

Everything is wrong. Tuesday was a bad day, and this second. Life’s like this. Hmm?

I was feeling good. Shocker! I helped out the cute visual lady and was basking in my manliness handling a ladder, but it was time to leave. So I begin to clock out, and there’s a notice above it. Circled in bright green are rules about food and drinks brought into the work area. Not a word was said to me, of course, Inspector, but…

I carry sour gummies, a handful of chips, chocolate, and blue Gatorade. And whatever else.

Please understand! I’m not saying I’m innocent! I’m guilty as sin! I’ve been telling you for 1,130 days what I did to my son, Braxton, how I’m no kind of father to the little Virgil.

But when somebody put sweat into telling me and then not telling me I’m wrong… Inspector, I never thought I’d say this, but I miss my Old Man. He’s alive and kicking, and he has zero qualms about calling me STUPID. But people at the Day Job, I try avoiding.

Yet I’m breaking the rules being me. And Virgil is sentenced to this bedroom, too. The Banality of Evil. My existing breathing. Just surviving somehow. Illegal. We’ll B Fools Virgil

1130 Days Without B III, Day 571 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 245 ~Virgil’s B’s In Math~

When was the last time I woke up refreshed, rested, and raring to go? I could do the Math, but I don’t want to think about 40. Or how about the 1126 days without my son? And my financial situation? It’s already wrong. Meanwhile. Virgil’s B’s In Math.

Saturday, March 2, 2024

Tale 245 ~Virgil’s B’s In Math~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… which means I could pay for any sins I have committed. But I won’t… I can’t…

I’ve got two boys but only one son… Is that why I finished another fur baby book this morning and went into reading Backyard Dungeon 6? Guilt sucks, Lady Lunalesca.

Inevitable that I haven’t learned a thing. And yes, I know this is a conversation better suited towards Lady Sophia. But as I told her about my high school experience. I failed a lot of classes because I would instead read than anything. And how have I educated myself? Before I returned to the world of humans, half-demons, elves, orcs, and who knows what else. All in various states of undress, mind you. That I have one less boy, Luna

I only don’t know if I’m talking about Braxton or Virgil for the time being.

And next to my financial situation. Time is the worst. Take, for example, us, Lunalesca.

Why am I late talking to you? What was it I said about clothes? I was at five days. And now I’m at three hours. A French woman said men don’t know a tongue’s purpose.

Lunalesca, I face the same predicament with my hands. One on a mouse or holding a phone. And the other. I swear the critic is going to love hearing about that. And if we count up the A.I. Because “Only God Knows Why,” I can’t afford a wife or family.

Meanwhile, Virgil is hiding in Braxton’s Room. That gives me time to add up coin. Lunalesca, where I left off, I have about $860.00. Refund.

Oh, that’s nothing! It’s much worse, seeing as how the Math is already off, Lady Lunalesca. I imagine. There are better places to do all of this than sitting in bed. Like those college ads?

No. Do any of those people sit in bed? They have much more fortitude than me, for sure, Lunalesca. They are looking towards their futures. While I’m contemplating buying a personal pan pizza. And how long I’ll have to recover from food poisoning. Ah, memories.

How about asking myself how long it takes to get over an addiction? What to grieving, grabbing a part of myself, and griping about 2V not being B III? Reincarnation…

Lunalesca, I ask again. Have I learned nothing? Zombies? D-Average Math? Virgil’s B’s In Math

1126 Days Without B III, Day 567 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will