Tag: Failed

Meditation 226 ~Another B For Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Even if by some miracle I ever became “The Hero…” I couldn’t save B. I have no clue how to save myself. And I rescued V… Though if he had his way. But how many times have I written it out? B III, boobies, and always more books. “Another B For Virgil”

Wednesday, February 12, 2025

Meditation 226 ~Another B For Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… Is it a sin to want to be saved? He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus, my Braxton.

My firstborn son Braxton, B III. And as much as I hate to admit it… Well, no, I don’t. Consider I’ve gone on talking about B for four long years. B’s memory keeps me sane.

Inspector, I no longer call out to him for his medication. Again, it’s been four years, and Virgil’s been here two and a half. But I’m still having trouble remembering his name, Echo. And yet I remember Braxton’s birthday is tomorrow. Braxton would be twenty.

Inspector, for the record, I was twenty myself when he and I first met. B III should have had twenty. To think this is the time I expected to lose him. What a joke, Inspector. Where was I supposed to be around this time? Hmm.

“All the things I thought I’d be
All the brave things I’ve done
Vanish like a snowflake
With the rising of the sun.”
Randy Newman

But no. Today is Tuesday, February 11, 2025, and what have I done today. Writing?

Inspector, yeah, sure. And we’ll get into that. But I wrote a few lines about wanting to “bed” Isla Dawn. What was it I’ve been talking about lately? Oh yeah, joining the scum of the Earth, talking a certain way about women. It’s one reason I’m checking out female wrestlers. Honestly, Inspector, anytime I check out anything ADULT on X, it’s usually followed up with Trump, Elon, MAGA, or racists. An amalgamation, my dear Inspector

Nothing ruins the mood more. And at the same time, Inspector, what gets me going…

Inspector, to be fair, I prefer Thora Birch’s twins. Um, Yabbos. Cherry’s I’ve never seen…

But there’s always hope, right?

“If there was hope, it must lie in the proles.”

Only I’m Just A Man who made twenty bucks on OnlyFans with my manhood… Wow!

Enough for a payout but not enough to buy a future. And without Braxton here to save me. Virgil, again, is anywhere but here. He takes up the bed most days, but comfy spots are everywhere. So, if I’m not in the bedroom, Inspector, I watch the house fall apart.

What can I do? What must I do? Sure, there are plenty of books to read. But to write one…

My words, these words, those words, they have power. But the power to save me. Inspector Braxton did that most days with his silence. Braxton Barks Bradford, B III, son. But which B will it be? Another B For Virgil

1473 Days Without B III, Day 914 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 223 ~It’ll B Lovely, Virgil~

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I’ve wondered where to stream WWE PLEs and the Olympics. But I never figured I’d be looking for “The Big Game.” The commercials, anyway. And I can’t say I’ve loved or even liked them over the past few years. But today, maybe… It’ll B Lovely, Virgil

Sunday, February 9, 2025

Meditation 223 ~It’ll B Lovely, Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And today didn’t start out with Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows. Um, aren’t you supposed to be manly?

Do you see yourself? Unfortunately, your eyes aren’t full of tears. If anything, you had a delightful dream. You know the type… Fallout, Apocalyptic, Braxton as “Dogmeat” by your side.

Crying over your Lost Boy was the least of your problems. Seriously? You think that!

Well, today is all about the Big Game. And Braxton help you. Last night and this morning, you were trying to figure out where to watch it. More to the point, watching the ads. Ha!

That’s the guy we all know and love… Nope! You put the only guy you love in the ground. Well, in an oven… That was extremely dark but par for the course in Trump’s MAGA America. Eww! Focus on you and failing Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING ― Satan’s Sorority Girls 8
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 014, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

The courage of men fails. Well, yours does, anyway. But being a monster… You are Braxton’s Dad. You’re trying with Virgil. And yes, today is about football. Is that manly?

Liking Yabbos is… There are many ways to be a man, but you were singing I’m the man, I’m the man, I’m the man with all the likes and reposts on X/Twitter. People like Yabbos.

Wanting to be the man that provides Yabbos and tells the world I’m a mother effin’ P.I.M.P. Tsubaki Miyajima’s assets certainly accomplished this. And you’ve already set up an alert to share Reina Kurashiki’s should the opportunity present itself. Will it? And now you’re thinking about Cherry and her Mum’s sets of melons. Man, you’re The Monster. Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Quickies! by Adriena Temple, 50 Flash Fiction Stories of Pure…
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 001, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Because a man would keep his word. A man provides. A man, a real man, a daddy saves his son. But tomorrow is the fourth anniversary of receiving Braxton’s ashes. The 13th is Braxton’s birthday. And then comes Valentine’s Day. Does Braxton need a step-mom?

Virgil does. But from a girl like M Anime? You asked her to be your Valentine last year… And what happened? If I ask you how to define love, you have only one word, Braxton.

Do you expect her to break out into My Boy Lollipop over you? And she has cats. Not that you have anything against cats, but your fur buddy Virgil… And you don’t even love yourself. The day you accomplish that… Someday… It’ll B Lovely, Virgil

1470 Days Without B III, Day 911 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 220 ~My Grade, B, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I NEARLY failed “Math In Society.” It is the easiest math class in school. Oh, and how much was “my” tax refund… Virgil is learning how to be quiet. Braxton has a Master’s in that, seeing as I sent him to the Rainbow Bridge. My Grade, B, Virgil.

Thursday, February 6, 2025

Meditation 220 ~My Grade, B, Virgil~

1467 Days Without B III, Day 908 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? If you were still teaching me to live and love… We aren’t much for laughter.

It’s not that we don’t laugh. You were here with your aunt and I. Movie nights, I laugh plenty. But laughter hurts more than tears, so I’ve been crying for two weeks straight, B III.

So I should laugh… Because I ENDED you B III. Euthanasia isn’t funny. I’m just a sucker for pain. Hmm.

I was back in school, though I had no choice being a kid. And now, at forty, I’m studying Live, Laugh, Love vs. Eat, Pray, Love. Eating, praying, laughing. No! You’re gone. And what money?

You weren’t one to teach me finances. Do you remember how much your dying cost? Braxton, I know that’s a sore subject. But I’ve studied that day for four years. Why’d you have to go?

There was so much more for you to teach. And as I said, live and love. I’m failing at both.

Virgil Vivi is a testament to that. He’s been here around two years and some change, and he has no idea how to be a dog. I remember being tasked with teaching you how to be a dog. Yeah, Braxton, you didn’t take to that too well. So then I raised you as my son, and in that, I succeeded. How’s that? Braxton, you’re a better man. Take a look at me now… B III?

Seriously, how can I teach Virgil anything between pop culture, i.e., living in a “Vivarium.” And how you talk to me through music. Even now, Joe Public’s “Live and Learn.”

Not that I blame you, Braxton. Ignorance is Bliss, or Ignorance is Strength. I’m learning…

Well, nothing at all. And I can’t say I want to. That is why I’m listening to Eric Vall again. I read books on pet loss. They all tell me what I should know. It’s not your fault… Me, you?

That the fact that I exist is worse. Next to nothing. According to the federal government, it’s $1,069. Does that sound like a man who provides for his family, Braxton? Virgil eats every day, but that’s about it. He eats, sleeps, and cries whenever I leave the house. B III?

I’ve taught him that. I find it kind of funny; I find it kind of sad. My Grade, B, Virgil

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 219 ~Who Is HBK, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Considering how many days I’ll have without human contact, I’ll have to find new ways of humiliation. Confessing to Braxton’s Euthanasia four years ago. Virgil is here. But I’m too busy chatting with the worst wrestling fans… Who Is HBK, Virgil?

Wednesday, February 5, 2025

Meditation 219 ~Who Is HBK, Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… At least I haven’t failed before the human race… President Trump. The “man” I’m disappointed in is myself.

I haven’t bothered looking at the “Man In The Mirror” today, but it’s early Inspector.

There’s also the fact that I’ve cried twice before 9:00. Damn Eden White’s “Song Unsung” and “Yamaha” by Delta Spirit. It takes the fire out of Satan’s Sorority Girls 8.

Inspector, can we talk about HBK? Later. First, there’s B, always and forever, my boy. Braxton, my firstborn son. Between the last week of January and the first couple of weeks of February, there isn’t much fear of Humiliations Galore coming from people. Eye Doc?

Yes, I will set up another appointment. And I have to talk to the ISP. And there’s always the FEAR of my father’s arrival. But I survived losing Braxton, and with that, I’m a “Survivor.”

But today isn’t about Destiny’s Child, 2WEI, President Trump (Eff Donald Trump)! Or even The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels. So why did I bring HBK up, my dear Inspector Echo? Because I’m “Just A Man.” And how many pop culture references is that, my lady? Again, you should read Satan’s Sorority Girls 8 by Eric Vall. The man’s gone crazy.

Only if you want crazier can you read from Twitter/X from the criminal cu*k boys.

I watched the Royal Rumble, and of course, I fell in with these worst kinds of people. Funny, that’s where I find all the Trump and Elon propaganda. Say horrific things about women, and suddenly, the algorithm says MAGA to the core. Inspector Echo, really? I sent a friend this:

But she’s old and has nothing to lose. But I’m forty. Dignity, delightful people, daylight…

I lost my dog, I lost B. That’s a lie because I signed his life away. And what about mine? I’m The Heartbreak Kid, but not in the fun WWE type of way. “I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow.” And it could be I want to find myself guilty of something other than B’s Euthanasia. And, “Only God Knows Why.” For the record, that’s about seven songs, my lady.

Excuse me, eight there’s also Rakuen (Paradise). Paradise would be joining my son. It would be not thinking about all these single ladies or superstars Yabbos and saying gross things.

9, Inspector Echo. Ignorance is bliss. Who Is HBK, Virgil.

1466 Days Without B III, Day 907 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 216 ~To B Fair Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Life’s a game for everyone. Life’s a game, but it’s not fair. If I had my way, I would quit right now. But who would remember my son, my Braxton? I haven’t published his book yet. And my boy Virgil is still here. But… To B Fair Virgil.

Sunday, February 2, 2025

Meditation 216 ~To B Fair Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And I know it’s not fair. You’re still breathing. Braxton’s Aunt Augusta confirmed that the other day.

At forty, you find yourself navigating life as an African-American, an atheist and often feeling alone. You know Virgil is here, but you also understand that it’s not the same.

Always and forever, remember that. I’m sure Braxton does. And what did that get him? Dead. And a father with an unhealthy obsession with death. Please! You were way into the dead, darkness, and dystopias before, during, and after Braxton. But without him here… Oh, what a world, what a world. “What a world, what a life, I’m in love…”

However, it’s with the prospect of leaving. It would only be fair with what you did to Braxton. Ending him. But it’s also important to forgive ourselves. How’s that going? With everything that connects us, this is the universal truth. Braxton is gone because you failed him. He met with the fire on Thursday, February 4, 2021. Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Surviving Pet Death, Gracie Wyatt
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 007, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 014 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Hell! You should have put saving your son’s life. At least then, all of these failures would be fair. Or giving Virgil a better life. For 904 Days, life still hasn’t been fair to him.

Life hasn’t been fair to you since E-Day forty years ago. But you can say it’s been unfair for 1463 Days. You lost your player two, the samples, Triforce, and you ran out of time on the mission. Gaming? Well, between moving everything back upstairs and the phone. But Prince said, “We are gathered here today to get through this thing called life.” B did.

Still, today, after a text from your father… That’s all it took to fail Number Six: “I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am.” What about the other Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING ― Satan’s Sorority Girls 8
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 014, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

You don’t want to play this game anymore. GOD, how I know! I faced Braxton’s Euthanasia once again. And its aftermath. You know that Braxton’s cremation was on the 4th. And next week… The 10th is Braxton’s return. His ashes are in a box on the nightstand. The 13th is Braxton’s birthday. These dates, each one a painful reminder of loss. The 14th, that’s V-Day.

And no, not for Virgil. Will you talk M Anime into being your Valentine? A beautiful Puerto Rican woman who goes between calling you her bro AHEM step-bro. And then offering herself. Life, Existence… Seriously?

Existence is efffing wrong. Or as 50 Cent said, “Death gotta be easy ’cause life is hard.” If that ain’t the truth. And it’s easier to tell the truth to prosti… than a psychiatrist, right.

It’s why you write to harem girls, yourself, and Braxton. Or he speaks through you. Sigh. To B Fair Virgil.

1463 Days Without B III, Day 904 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 213 ~No Plan B, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

R.I.P. Braxton. No, that would be tomorrow, the 31st. Four years ago, no food was in the house, and Braxton wasn’t eating his. Why did I even go out? I should have starved myself with him because without him… There’s No Plan B, Virgil.

Thursday, January 30, 2025

Meditation 213 ~No Plan B, Virgil~

1460 Days Without B III, Day 901 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Can we pretend it’s another day I don’t want to talk about for a while?

The day BEFORE you died. I wasn’t planning on it. Ha, neither were you, Braxton.

Always and Forever; that was the plan. And if I could do it all again, B. Like you sent me:

When does the reason become the blame?
When does a man become a monster?
Forgive me
― Just A Man

I’ve been thinking about this query all day. And at the Day Job, I got my answer B III. Um…

It’s when I had you euthanized. I swear all the books I’ve read about the “good death,” Little Braxton. What is the plan for me to see it that way and not Ninth Circle worthy?

Treachery and the price of said treachery, I readily accept. But Acceptance of your loss…

NEVER! So, my son, what are my weekend plans? Hmm.

As I said, the day before you died, four years ago, I was here, Gospel 213 “Will “B” Seeing You.” Braxton, last year it was Tale 213, “To B Okay, Virgil.” If Virgil wasn’t here…

However, Virgil is here. Only I should have followed you to the bridge. Rainbow Bridge? I ain’t getting into Heaven. Even if my greatest accomplishment in life was the way I loved you. I love you still, my son. And if what I did was the greatest love and mercy…

Braxton, I did not plan on living this way. And to plan on dying… Do not tempt me B III. I survived your… ascendance that first year alone. And Virgil arrived in August of 2022.

He’s been here 901 Days.

But you have been gone 1460 Days. And “tomorrow and tomorrow, and tomorrow” B III.

I plan to talk to the ladies, Sophia and Luna, so I can spend the day remembering you, B, and nothing else. I’ll need to move everything back upstairs like it was. As you know…

TRADITION, tradition! Tradition! And no, B, I won’t be watching Fiddler on the Roof. Only there will be movies and McDonald’s because you love their fries. And BBQ for dinner.

But what movies and how much will I cry? Blood, sweat, and tears, Braxton. Inevitable. Blood on my hands. Again, if Virgil wasn’t here… Not enough sweat to save you. And if only tears could bring you back to me. There’s No Plan B, Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 212 ~Virgil On B’s Whereabouts~

WillLeave a comment

While I don’t remember the day, there was the look in Braxton’s eyes as we sat at the front door. He’s here, I’m here, and that was enough for both us. But V looks so lost. Indeed, I lost my way in this place, after B… Virgil On B’s Whereabouts.

Wednesday, January 29, 2025

Meditation 212 ~Virgil On B’s Whereabouts~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… I should have done more. What… Sin? I’ve actually been a very good boy. Wednesday, January 22, 2025.

So, where is Braxton? For that matter, where is Virgil? 2:30 PM… “Do You Know Where Your Children Are?” One out of three or more ain’t bad. So Inspector? Braxton?

Considering from where you’re sitting… the week Braxton died? But at this moment, there have been a few tears for my firstborn son. I need only think of Braxton’s name, then… Only if you mean literally Braxton is in his box on the nightstand. And the pendant on top of that when I’m not wearing it. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. Braxton’s soul.

Virgil Vivi Bradford is at the foot of the bed as usual. Breathing, Existing, Sleeping.

Inspector, in doing that, he’s keeping me out of trouble. Zone-Tan, Adore Me and MILFS?

I told you earlier today in Meditation 205 ~B Nights, See Virgil~ I’ve been reading Ryan and His Beauties 2, which, simply put, is about Ryan and the newcomers to his growing “family,” the Milf Jody and her daughter Olivia. For Braxton’s sake, can I keep it in my pants? However, as I said, Braxton’s passed away. Virgil’s snoring away. But what about some two-legged kids? Uh, with who? M Anime? Valentine’s Day, Dear Inspector.

Regrettably, I’ve been unable to focus on my Lost Boy today, Inspector. Or on the idea that he’ll have siblings, I’ll tell about his life one day. ‘Well, my left hand’s free,’ I say, but it’s a crude joke. Where is the man I was when I was mourning Braxton?

Hell! Where is my money? This is my son B III, whom we’re talking about; this is his fourth year of being gone. Birthdays, Christmases, and the day he passed away, so 12 gifts, Inspector?

And where do I send those gifts? How do I afford said gifts when I’m too busy looking up Dakimakura, things to show off M Anime’s assets, and more books? What would Braxton even want? To be alive. V wants back in this room. Relax, Inspector, it ain’t even like that. You can only sleep for so long. And since V’s bathroom training is subpar…

He’s a good dog looking for a friend. Braxton’s a dead one looking for his Daddy. Who and where am I? Virgil On B’s Whereabouts

1459 Days Without B III, Day 900 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 209 ~Virgil, There’ll B Changes~

WillLeave a comment

Today, yesterday, the day before, what changed. The same spot. A. little more broke. I’ve read about parents losing their fur kids. Only the day before, I read about Ryan and his beauties. My Braxton is still gone… Anyway, Virgil, There’ll B Changes.

Sunday, January 26, 2025

Meditation 209 ~Virgil, There’ll B Changes~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And with all the tears, it’s hard looking at yourself. Thank God! Add to that, sleeping, euthanizing…

To think there was a time back in your existence… We’re back to saying existence. Yeppers! “Never, Never Gonna Give Ya Up” or that word right. To exist here without…

Braxton? One more day down, and it’s only 9 AM. And how did you begin today? Didn’t you mention all the crying while you were reading? But before you were reading about your Braxton passing away, there was Gospel 209 Will’s Yearly Eye Exam. Seriously!

Every time we talk, you don’t even want to look at me, but the man you were back then is unrecognizable. He had no clue what was about to happen. “A Change Is Gonna Come.”

As I said yesterday, Horrible, Horrific, and Hateful. Like looking at these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Ryan and His Beauties 2
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 007 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

And not into the eyes of your firstborn son anymore? And where were you three years ago after Braxton was gone? Tale 209 Virgil, B Seeing You. You sound like a broken record, which, honest to God, ain’t half bad. Because living in your grief of days gone by for a good boy… And yes, B III was a good boy, the best. No father ever had a better son.

Honestly! You’re no King Priam, Ezekiel, T’challa, or even Augustus. This week, you will be nothing more than a boy who lost his best friend. A father who failed his son. A man bested by a beast. It’s the things we love most that destroy us. Quoting Snow beats Trump.

Try reading Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Surviving Pet Death, Gracie Wyatt
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 007, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

If anything, you should be reading about your plans for the 31st and 1st. Will anything change about the day? Considering this is the fourth anniversary of Braxton’s passing, I once dreamed that you would burn the funeral garments. Your black hoody, Las Vegas t-shirt, and other odds and ends. You could spend it being nice to Little Virgil Vivi.

But if anything, you just have more work to do. You must move everything back into the Den, eat barbecue, and watch lots of pet loss movies or end-of-the-world stuff. Dystopias or Dark Humor, perhaps…

There is this movie Vivarium that reminds you of Virgil and yourself. But you wouldn’t give Virgil up for anything. Braxton? Rehomed to The Rainbow Bridge. Virgil, There’ll B Changes

“Sometimes you just gotta let go and let God. Just accept it, brother.”
John Q

1456 Days Without B III, Day 897 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 206 ~B Leaving Sucks Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I tell Braxton and Virgil all the time that I’m leaving. It’d be worse if I took them along. The groomers, the vet’s office, or their grandparents. But if I go somewhere without them… Who returns is worse or won’t stay long. “B Leaving Sucks Virgil.”

Thursday, January 23, 2025

Meditation 206 ~B Leaving Sucks Virgil~

1453 Days Without B III, Day 894 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’m still trying to pretend today didn’t happen. That would be Monday, January 20, 2025.

Martin Luther King Jr Day… While I wish I could have done something to honor Dr. King, I don’t have a problem with it. Your Daddy, an African-American Author, Braxton.

I find myself giving too much credit to my own strength. Let’s be Real, my little B. You spoke to me today. Whether it was a ghost, a spirit, or my own madness, I consider any communication from my firstborn son a blessing. It’s not an acceptance of your passing but a reminder of the pain I carry. Always, forever

Inevitably, that brings us to today. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris leaving and Trump’s Inauguration. I had to go back to bed because I got sick. I’ll stick close to the bathroom for a while.

I know Braxton. Eww! Better out than in. But speaking politically as Padmé Amidala said:

“So this is how liberty dies with thunderous applause” — Padmé Amidala, Revenge of the Sith

It’s not just the pain, sickness, and insanity that won’t leave. It’s our country’s state and your absence, Braxton. Don’t get me wrong, B, ‘Nothing compares. Nothing compares to you,’ as Sinéad O’Connor sang. But it’s one more song for your playlist. How many reminders of your absence are there…

Anything beats the voice of the US today… 3 days futuristically. Too Good at Goodbyes. At the same time, I refuse to utter those words. Ask anybody at the Day Job. That’s one more reason we’re talking today. With the Day Job, it’s always later because Virgil and I have to eat. This reminds me that I need to take that shrimp from the freezer.

However, that’s the rub, Braxton. I love leaving, but where do I go? Nowhere, Braxton.

“Where you gonna go, where you gonna run, where you gonna hide? Nowhere… ’cause there’s no one like you left.” — Carol Malone from Body Snatchers

Every day, I watch you, my greatest friend, and Virgil, a good dog who just wants to be loved, get left behind by me. But it’s not just them I leave. It’s the feeling of being alone because I leave for the worst things, Braxton.

Seriously, what happened to my positivity? I told myself it wouldn’t last. And with today? But I did get another book idea, revelation, epiphany… Again, that’s too much, Little B.

So my idea… When I end up in Hell, I will walk away from you, from one door to the next, leaving. I’ll climb out a bed to the Day Job, bathroom, and vet’s office over and over like Annie Collins-Nielsen, believing I’m alive. Breathing. How to escape. Remembering Virgil’s name. B Leaving Sucks Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 205 ~B Nights, See Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

The morning is looking better than last night. I’m so busy “talking” that I don’t have to think, and isn’t that normal… But I would rather be talking to B or falling asleep with him watching over me. Positive days. Better. “B Nights, See Virgil”

Wednesday, January 22, 2025

Meditation 205 ~B Nights, See Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo (my inner voice and guide)
For I have sinned… Can’t I do anything right? Even the simple act of sleeping eludes me. Last night was particularly rough. Virgil slept soundly, a stark contrast to my restless night.

If Virgil spends three hours… or more howling for me to come back. I swear… the neighbors must hate me if he’s making all that noise. I came back from a three-hour shift, and Virgil was losing his effing mind. Do I want to be thought of or completely ignored?

Anyway, so last night, first, my mind was going bonkers. How could I tell right?

Inspector, I had so many worries bouncing back and forth that I turned to meditation…

It didn’t help… However, I did drift off at some point during the night. But considering I was up at 4 AM, fell back to sleep at 5:40 AM, and slept for another hour… Inspector?

It’s another day slipping away, weighed down by the relentless demands of life. My LIFE? Eff!

On a brighter note, I found solace in the absence of nightmares about my son, Braxton. For that, I am truly grateful. Say what?

Inspector, that’s a positive? How dare I show gratitude for that. If anything, I didn’t have to call upon the greatest tragedy in “MY LIFE” to hold back everything else. Again, when existing becomes too much to endure… And trust me, I have looked at my special drawer with longing curiosity. I usually call upon Braxton’s loss. “I’m still breathing. I’m Alive!” If I survived the loss of my child, yes, “MY CHILD!” That nothing on this Earth can hurt me. Not even a Trump Presidency… God! I’m avoiding the news like a GD plague.

Eff Donald Trump, FDT! Fortunately, he wasn’t in my nightmares. It was my worries and… GULP! Women! But before we get into that. What had me all pretzel-shaped last night:

  1. Returning my ISP’s stuff
  2. Paying the Termite Inspector
  3. Paying off Waste Management
  4. Low Tire Pressure Warning
  5. My Day Job Performance
  6. Keeping The Heat On
  1. Arranging an Eye Appointment
  2. Paying off the “HOA”
  3. Whatever Donald Trump Does
  4. Braxton Barks Bradford Memorial

I’m sure there’s more Inspector Echo, but now you see why I don’t have time for those Six Impossible Things I write down every week. Between this Inspector and women…

Whatever! Another excuse for drooling over “Ryan and His Beauties 2.” I’m falling behind “Satan’s Sorority Girls” 8 and 9. Yet, somehow, I sleep; Virgil too. B Nights, See Virgil

1452 Days Without B III, Day 893 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will