Tag: Hurt

Meditation 316 ~Virgil, I’ll B Saying~

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The last time I had to send Virgil to Braxton’s Room was because of a storm. He’s not one to control his bladder. And he could lose his sh*t. Speaking of which, the things that I say. I miss Braxton. I love sex, I’m afraid. Virgil, I’ll B Saying

Tuesday, May 13, 2025

Meditation 316 ~Virgil, I’ll B Saying~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? More than my boys? I plead the 5th. My love, I’m not that lying Trump.

I have my soft and hard limits, but may I never be as vulgar, vindictive, or vicious as those of MAGA. And yet one of my sons, Braxton, saw Trump’s end… Virgil sees Trump 2.0.

But no, I don’t want to talk about politics today, Monday, May 12, 2025. Or ever. But we have no choice in the matter. As I have no choice but to keep loving Braxton. Always.

And Virgil? I don’t love him as much as Braxton. Later V, Later Virgil as opposed to Love ya B, Love ya Braxton. And look at me crying again. It’s not only because of Braxton. Mother’s Day has been pretty HARD till now. And OH MY GOD, we’ll get to that. Only, I miss Braxton.

Would you rather listen to me cry over him love or sweat over you? Mourning or Moaning? Grieving or Grunting? Wiping my tears or Whipping my… Must I be gross?

“Should I say it out loud?

Yeah, I should. You can’t heal something unless you’re brave enough to say it out loud.

I’m scared, though. I’m scared to say it… which is why I have to.”
The Last of Us

Love, if anything, as Roger sang, “I Want To Be Your Man.” I need “Sexual Healing,” as Marvin Gaye spectacularly put it. What’s better than making Love “Between The Sheets.”

My boy isn’t the only one that can put together a playlist. But we’d have to send Braxton, Virgil, and our two-legged rugrats to bed. Especially considering who I want to be with you. Annoying? I can be that too, but at least I’m not crying anymore, but you, darling.

Well, I want to effing “Tear You Apart.” Because “You get me closer to God.”

And that’s the truth, “I Wanna Eff You.” But not only because I love you more than anything. (Braxton looks down on me from Heaven). I don’t have alternative facts; I have ADDITIONAL facts. Effing MAGA! Anyway, my love, I’m afraid. Yes, I’m worried, but it’s FEAR, my love. And it has begun to overwhelm me. But I’m “Just A Man.” A man provides, protects, and pets puppies. But Braxton isn’t here anymore. And a man isn’t supposed to call on a woman for help, but who else is there. My Ma? Anyone at all?

Love, I don’t know what to do. WHATEVER IT TAKES! I sound like one of my motivations, or Captain America. So what’s next. I have Virgil. Virgil, I’ll B Saying.

1563 Days Without B III, Day 1004 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 314 ~How Moms B, Virgil~

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Happy Mother’s Day! Braxton and Virgil’s moms are long gone. Their second moms? One has two-legged kids, and the other has no clue. Their stepmom? A hope? A chance? But today I have to go and see my Ma. Cue “Last Of My Kind.” How Moms B, Virgil.

Sunday, May 11, 2025

Meditation 314 ~How Moms B, Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And today, I gotta be nice. Well, no. We’re never nice to one another. Damn, energy shot.

Whether they do the trick or it’s the Placebo Effect, whatever. You’re awake. They’re gross. But not as gross as you are going to be today. It remains to be seen. But that’s not the point of today. Mother’s Day. Happy Mother’s Day. Star Wars Day was last week. B’s Favorite Girl turned 35 as well. Are there any other holidays you’ve forgotten? Vacation days or Sick days. Anything to put a little more money in your pocket. You’re welcome.

But you didn’t get a gift for your Ma. Grandma, Braxton’s Favorite Girl, or M Anime? Cherry doesn’t want to be a mom, and now you’re thinking about her Mum. MILF! Didn’t I say you were going to be gross? And failing Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Temptation Next Door, Rose Richards
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 002 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Wouldn’t your Ma be proud of her forty-year-old son? You do love your Ma. Always. However, as I was saying yesterday. The fact that you have to get out of bed to see the family is Stephen King’s The Long Walk meets Judge Dredd The Long Walk, with a trek through the snow in the Andes Mountains, and throw in Dante’s Inferno. Today is not going to be any fun.

Plus, you’re taking Virgil along for the ride. Poor little guy. But your Ma would have never invited Braxton, her furry little grandson. Virgil has that over Braxton. Utter terror.

At life? Braxton’s mom was purebred, and his second gave him up. (Your little sister). Virgil’s lineage? No clue. Your Ma? She’s good but made a mistake. Six Impossible Things:

Someone made a mistake.
Someone made a BIG goddamn mistake!
Captain Deladier, Starship Troopers (1997)

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Vector: An overpowered MC harem-lite…
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 002, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

How so? Again, you’re forty and still living off your Olds’ dime. Your Ma’s dime. Your sister gave her two grandchildren. Two-Legged grandchildren. Do you have anything to show for the life she’s given? Like Sia put it, sing out, “I’m still breathing; I’m alive.”

Lovey-Dovey wise, you care for Braxton’s Favorite Girl. She has a son and a beautiful wife. Again, there’s Cherry, but you want some two-legged kids for some reason. But her Yabbos, wow. And M Anime. Would she ever be B and V’s stepmom? Breeding kink?

Most of her dreams/nightmares and short stories elude that. (Drools). And the things you write about women. MILFs, women in war, trafficking. Things you can’t share with your Ma. Unconditional Love? How Moms B, Virgil

1561 Days Without B III, Day 1002 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 310 ~Virgil Doesn’t Eat B’s~

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One more day, I haven’t been humiliated… Uh, fact-to-face. I’m sure somebody in their car wondered if I had any control over Virgil. That’s why we go out early before everything gets busy, like the bees. Or M Anime’s dreams. “Virgil Doesn’t Eat B’s.”

Wednesday, May 7, 2025

Meditation 310 ~Virgil Doesn’t Eat B’s~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… Not to mention humiliated. But according to all the motivational speeches I listen to. Let’s begin with gratitude.

Virgil woke up alive and well, and we went for a walk. And he has had his breakfast. The only “adult entertainment” I’ve consumed was reading about Eddie and Ibseth from “Backyard Dungeon 17.” Oh, speaking of dungeons, the back fence hasn’t fallen. Not yet.

So that’s the good news. As long as I stay off social media, I should be fine. Uh, the phone?

To think Samsung had problems. Like the song plays, “I got 99 problems but a…”

Anyway, I owe Braxton’s favorite girl a birthday present, his grandma a hello, and his stepmom an apology. Didn’t I say something about adult entertainment? Also, I’d stop calling M Anime, Braxton, and Virgil’s stepmom. SIGH. “She drives me crazy, and I can’t help myself.”

While finishing the “Backyard Dungeon 17” sample, I got antsy about M Anime… Her latest nightmare, I mean. So, I was busy copying it to read on my Kindle. What, I need free books? Always. I haven’t had any… Uh, self-fulfillment in three days. Her dreams/short stories will do it.

And as I told her, my dreams are pretty dull by comparison. She has General Xu, Associate, and The Boss. I swear, I’ve never been one for reverse harem romances.

Inspector, my dreams have been dull, and my stories, if disgusting, are the same. Writing. It doesn’t pay, not yet. And I haven’t been dreaming about my boys. I’m giving Braxton a break to play on the Rainbow Bridge. And Virgil is very much alive.

So it’s great he doesn’t eat bees or anything like that. Because I couldn’t afford to save him. Life is telling me that. My dreams share that sentiment. The last one I remember was something out of World War Z. The crappy movie. It was that scene where the girl rattled off the code to Brad Pitt to get into a room full of viruses. But I was saying my locker combo at my Day Job, which feels the same. Can’t I do anything original, Inspector Echo? V can’t eat the ABCs. And I’m living off of pizza rolls until payday. After last week, ha!

As Paramore put it, Hard Times. No cash, thinking of Yabbos, or walking going nowhere. Thankfully. Virgil Doesn’t Eat B’s

1557 Days Without B III, Day 998 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 309 ~Virgil’s B In Language~

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I tell B I love him every day. But I don’t know about the reception on the Rainbow Bridge. I tell V, “Later.” I tell him I’ll be back and that he’s staying. I rescued him. And they’re potential stepmom. What I said to her. Virgil’s B In Language

Tuesday, May 6, 2025

Meditation 309 ~Virgil’s B In Language~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? But as Snow Patrol sings, “Those three words are said too much. They’re not enough.”

How do I know? Despite how much my Old Man paid my way, I hate him. My firstborn son, Braxton, died. And I could say it to my secondborn son, Virgil. But I hate lying.

Always and forever, there’s you, my love. There is the family we created together. And you know me, a beast with a beat. “Havin’ my baby. What a lovely way of sayin’ how much you love me.” That’s all you because I highly doubt Braxton would send me such a song. If he were here today, his four little legs would run circles around his two-legged siblings to keep them safe. Virgil would be quieter than them, easy. Long story.

Love can be quiet or loud. It’s a difficult language.

And since I’m reminiscing about people, places, and even pieces of myself I hate. LEARN.

I’m constantly having to relearn how to love myself. Love, I am The Walking Dead. However, I’m not saying that because today is Sunday, May 4, 2025. So we both know, um, Tuesday, May 6, 2025, is going to suck. Oh, we’ll get to the sucking. Uh, ew. Uh, lovers.

Watch my mouth? Again, we’ll get to that. I say the most horrible things, and we’re not a religious household. But love, Jesus had it easy. If we skip the torture, he just died, love.

My Ma would say he died to save us. And I live? Not because I particularly care to do so. That’s my love language. STAYING.

Again, from a biblical context, Jesus came back. God is love. Dog is love, and my B III, “I said he doesn’t look a thing like Jesus,” as The Killers put it. However, “My Goddess.”

Um. Did we put the kids to bed four-legged, two-legged, and all? Okay, dearest love.

Purely in a Shakespearean meets The Pretty Reckless type of way, “You make me wanna die.” Hear me out, my love. My grief brings me closer to my son, B. Not really, but that’s what I’m going with. Being with you brings me closer in a way to dying. Seriously? Neither of us is Rihanna, but “Sex with Me,” sex with you, I tell myself, “I guess I die another day.” Virgil’s B In Language.

“I think I’ll find another way
There’s so much more to know
I guess I’ll die another day
It’s not my time to go

For every sin, I’ll have to pay
I’ve come to work, I’ve come to play
I think I’ll find another way
It’s not my time to go.”
Die Another Day

1556 Days Without B III, Day 997 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 307 ~A G-Thang Braxton, Virgil”

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Things that get a G up. Mammaries, dirty manuscripts, and my mutts. Hey! Braxton was a purebred, and Virgil might as well be royalty. But what about having a queen, though such and such a girl called herself something else. A G-Thang Braxton, Virgil.

Sunday, May 4, 2025

Meditation 307 ~A G-Thang Braxton, Virgil”

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… Happy Star Wars Day! But can I say you’re not looking all that well, my G. Whatever!

It’s not an after-sex glow. Save that for the ladies like Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom. Are you ever going to stop calling M Anime that? What? I told her about a guy using his fingers with her and her using her Yabbos on him. Cut to 3 AM today, and she’s sending you another “nightmare,” where a guy uses his fingers, and you guessed it, she uses her Yabbos in bed. That’s a message. I believe the legendary Whitesnake posed the question, “Is This Love?”

Braxton and Virgil can’t help with that. But you haven’t cried for Braxton today. And Virgil hasn’t seen you sweating. Still, there are several screens glowing. You’re still grieving. Then, groaning and moaning for M Anime. Uh, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Backyard Dungeon 16, Logan Jacobs
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 004, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Yeah, yeah, you were doing okay with #4 until M Anime’s nightmare story. Not that you have anything against Logan Jacobs and his fantasy harem. And speaking of fantasies, what will you do for Star Wars Day? And aren’t The Last of Us and The Walking Dead: Dead City on tonight? Screen time. Anything beats the sun shining on Monday. For the love of everything, let the dead rise before then. If not, “Let The Monster Rise.” Repo Man did.

Your effing Day Job! You would take being a gangsta over going to that place. However, you wouldn’t have to if you wrote about General Xu, Associate, Boss, and this new fellow I created last night, Wraith Ambrose Blackwood. G’s who’d accomplish Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Temptation Next Door, Rose Richards
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Or they wouldn’t have to. They wouldn’t forget Braxton’s Favorite Girl’s birthday. A very Happy Birthday to Braxton’s Favorite Girl, his and Virgil’s aunt. You love her like pancakes… More to the Milestone tune of “Girl, I care about you, I’m there for you,” yep.

What about Cherry? You’ll never say no to Yabbos, but your eyes are glazed over. Virgil’s also lying at the foot of the bed, so zero fun, sir. But with adrenaline running through your veins when M Anime uh seduced you with her dream, a pill, and an energy shot.

You’re feeling about as high as Snoop at the moment. “Nuthin’ But A “G” Thang.” However, you’re saying, “I’ve Seen Better Days,” When Braxton was breathing. A G-Thang Braxton, Virgil

1554 Days Without B III, Day 995 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 303 ~Braxton, Virgil, Have WRITES~

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“Now, did you read the news today?” Sorry, but no. The Genesis of America is that things get worse. Modernized but worse. It leads to a friend’s bad dreams. But we compared ourselves to Winston and Julia. Classic reading. Braxton, Virgil, Have WRITES

Wednesday, April 30, 2025

Meditation 303 ~Braxton, Virgil, Have WRITES~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… Though I woke up this morning, uh, not feeling that way. Not good, not bad. Super, super (super!)

Listen to the song “Teen Idle,” and you’ll get it. But who knows? Maybe you won’t. It’s the same thing with my writing. And didn’t I tell myself I was going to be positive today?

What can I say? Old habits die hard. I have a thing for sisters in pigtails and bikinis. Uh, Ew! And then there are the rules. My rules. Do you remember, Dear Madam Justice, Echo?

Do you remember Rule Fifteen, I Take My Own Lumps? ONE of the things that rule means is that I take responsibility and accountability, and pay my own way. Big bill? Inspector, yes, it was a VERY big bill that I handled. If I take care of myself, Braxton, and Virgil, “we gon’ be alright.”

But Braxton isn’t alright. He lives in books now, Inspector. I’m trying to remain positive. And I also read that I went a week without any self-fulfillment. Sisters, Pigtails, Bikinis…

“I’m sorry, I just need one minute to make sure I look good. Do you think I look good, Mr. Armstrong?” ― The Cleveland Show

Yes, my dear Echo, that’s all it took to break me. But I did enjoy my streak while it lasted. And Virgil was already in Braxton’s room. I swear he’s communing with B III’s spirit.

Meanwhile, I’d usually be drooling over pictures of Cherry’s Yabbos or the confession she wrote once upon a time. And speaking of writing, Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom has been doing plenty of that lately. Again, I shouldn’t be calling M Anime the stepmom. But um…

Inspector, I swear M Anime is trying to send me a message through her writing.

So yeah, you are not Lady Sophia. I leave books and edits to her. But M Anime first wrote about a fictional first time in a brothel. That led to “Nightmare At The Meat Market.” She asked about Cherry’s sexual characterizations, and so I shared “The Eve of A Cherry.”

With that, she told me about another dream. Sex? Xu? “Cries Come Women, Come Country.” And most recently, she shared her “dream” of her and The Associate having sex. Wow!

So what does it mean when a woman is having “Sexxx Dreams” and compares her partners to you? Book boyfriend material? Anyway, as long as I ignore the news, I’m reading plenty of good things. Erotic books, bills paid, streak before… Braxton, Virgil, Have WRITES

1550 Days Without B III, Day 991 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 302 ~Room After B, Virgil~

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To be a man and a Dad, one must “Make Room, Make Room!” I don’t know if B has only taken up more space since his death or if there is so little left of me. V needs space, too. And yet I step forward only to ask myself. Where to? Room After B, Virgil.

Tuesday, April 29, 2025

Meditation 302 ~Room After B, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? Every little step I take, you will be there. But I’m not Bobby Brown. I’m…

That’s the thing, my love. I want to say, “All Yours.” But I’m not one to shy away from the truth. And while I’m constantly asking myself where I am going, It’s where I am.

“Where you gonna go, where you gonna run, where you gonna hide? Nowhere… ’cause there’s no one like you left.” — Carol Malone, Body Snatchers (1993)

Darling, I have never left the last place I saw my boy on Sunday, January 31, 2021. There was Braxton, in his own bed on a vet’s table, looking at me to do something, save him, or spare him any more pain. My boy wanted to stay. And since he couldn’t, I have. That is the truth. It could be a new definition of love. At its most simplistic, love means you before me. By that logic, I do love Virgil, too. But the concept that one would only stay.

Baby Doll, I could give you a whole playlist on that “Stay With Me” “If I lay here. If I just lay here. Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” “We were made to never fall away.” You can thank B for that last one. “You’re coming back for me.” Damn right!

However, this is the rub. How can I return to a place that I have never left? Where am I?

We are in a dream. I still see us on a beach somewhere. Our two-legged kids ran along in the sand and waves. Little Braxton pulled with all his might to keep them from the water. And you are pulling me and trying to get me to join you. Where?

Again, I don’t know. A man is supposed to lead, but I would rather follow my boy or have you, my love, follow my rules. One of those reasons is “chains and whips excite me,” ha-ha! You know how I’ve been feeling about money these days. Building our “Red Room.”

More like I wanted to “Paint It Black.” Like all the ink along the pages of the books I write. I read something last night and to see the dark lusts, depravity, and desires. Love? Honestly, it could go either way. Let’s say all the dark places in women that men yearn to go, my love. Because with you, at least, I’m moving forward in a Kama Sutra way, baby.

Love? Room After B, Virgil.

Even if you leave this room, you can never leave this room.
— from 1408 (2007)

1549 Days Without B III, Day 990 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 300 ~Braxton, Virgil, So, Universal…~

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My Olds took my sister and me to Disney World, Universal, and other places. Is it this talk of those new IDs, my wasted paid leave, or the fact that I’ve wasted 300 days not doing what I promised Braxton… And Virgil. “Braxton, Virgil, So, Universal…”

Sunday, April 27, 2025

Meditation 300 ~Braxton, Virgil, So, Universal…~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… I have a question. How do you get to Universal Studios? That’s a tough row to hoe.

Considering it took you thirty minutes after sunrise to get up and walk little Virgil. Braxton would have sat on your head until you needed air. And speaking of which, when was the last time you wanted air? It’s only been eight hours, and whether at the Day Job or sitting in bed, you wish you weren’t here. What a way to begin the week.

No wonder you already need a vacation. It’s only 8:00 AM. And even if you had a usual nine to five and the crisis wasn’t nickels and dimes, what then? I just wanna be successful.

Is that what you’re singing today? And what is success? Braxton alive and happy with Virgil. The money, cars, clothes, hoes; suppose Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Independent Study ― Harem University Book 5 by Dirk Knight
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 001, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 004 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Because “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus.” Me? You? Either way, Braxton is gone. Somehow, you have to see Virgil. And even if you didn’t, you couldn’t go out in a “Blaze of Glory” like “300.” Uh-Oh! Guess what day it is? 300 days, and what do you have to show for it? Well, you’re talking to me. As for myself? What’s one more thing to worry about? Money, how long you’re going to be sitting on this mattress, and some girl’s mammaries. Who is it today? Cherry, M Anime, there’s a lot of pretty girls in this city. You’re still upset that you’re wasting all of your paid leave to simply survive. And not visiting your boys’ stepmom, M Anime. Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Backyard Dungeon 16, Logan Jacobs
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 004, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Like how to stop thinking about M Anime in that way, you can’t get her nightmares out of your head. Hell! You’re writing two full-blown novels about them. “There’s Nightmare At The Market,” and “Cries Come Women, Come Country.” If General Xu from the latter novel can make her a wifey, why can’t you? Would that be success to you?

Whatever! Again, you’re wasting all your paid leave time. You’re watching all these good men with their wives and girlfriends having babies and living the dream. You would settle for being Johnny Sins and effing your way around the world. What do you want to do? You want to publish Braxton’s novels, give your kid his name, live like you promised… Braxton, Virgil, So, Universal…

1547 Days Without B III, Day 988 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 296 ~Braxton Wasn’t Planned, Virgil~

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I didn’t plan on being a Dad. And I can’t count on being a husband. Last I saw, I was $3,000 in the hole. Showing a bunch of anime holes or writing about lady parts equals a whole lot of nothing. My boys need to eat. “Braxton Wasn’t Planned, Virgil.”

Wednesday, April 23, 2025

Meditation 296 ~Braxton Wasn’t Planned, Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… But no, I haven’t knocked up Braxton and Virgil’s future stepmom. I should stop calling “M Anime” that.

“Accidents ambush the unsuspecting, often violently, just like love.”
― Andrew Davidson from The Gargoyle

I didn’t plan on having a son. I didn’t plan on my Braxton. I didn’t plan on being a Dad. But one night, my father walks in with this little ball of fluff. And though I had begged for a dog for years… There’s this tiny thing being flopped into my sister’s hands. My Neo.

That’s what I called him anyway. My Ma quickly changed it to Braxton. But to me, he would always be “The ONE.” And because my sister knew how to make a life. And “I am an equal opportunity misanthrope.” “Here I Am”: Father, Friend, and Fiend. Because I never planned on killing him. But I survived. I learned. And I’ve never forgiven myself, either. I dream, plan, and do nothing.

So that’s why I’m here Monday, April 21, 2025, financially effed. I should have followed.

Who, Braxton? “Too Little Too Late,” as the Barenaked Ladies sing. We’ll get to that. Today, there’s Virgil. 984 days ago, he wasn’t here. Hell! Braxton was very much alive on Tuesday, October 20, 2020, when Virgil was born. Three months later, my Braxton passed.

How much did it cost for tests and trying to keep him alive? “It Doesn’t Matter.” But when was the last check I got over one hundred dollars? And now Virgil’s vet visit, security, and the fact we need to eat… I didn’t plan on seeing forty or on trying to be Virgil’s hero. SIGH

He needs a father. I need to be a man.

Please! I don’t know the first thing about being a man. I’ve got man parts. And what was I doing with that hardware before coming here and talking to you, E? Trying not to come.

Talk about blasphemy because I was the same way on Easter Sunday. Whether it was M Anime’s nightmare that I’m writing “Cries Come Women, Come Country.” There are thoughts of Cherry’s huge vanilla Yabbos. Then such and such posted Megumi and Ayami from “Ecchi na Onee-Chan ni Shiboraretai,” so I had to cut up their episodes. But this led me to two more sisters I was moaning about in the bathroom. Filming OnlyFans? Nope. “Don’t know why I didn’t come.” “Mama told me not to come.” Braxton Wasn’t Planned, Virgil.

1543 Days Without B III, Day 984 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 295 ~No B In Sharing~

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Manners! Language! You talk too much! Should I say more about my furry kid? Four years gone. Or what about the walk with his little brother on a rainy morning? Money woes. Manuscripts that will never be published. Manhood. My Evils. “No B In Sharing”

Tuesday, April 22, 2025

Meditation 295 ~No B In Sharing~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? Enough to SHARE my life with you. Or give it. Oh, to be so noble.

Missing my Braxton, I could be a modern-day samurai. Committing Seppuku? No. That would only dishonor my firstborn son, you, my love, and our family. What? You didn’t think I only studied Japanese Adult Anime. Would you instead have me share more about B III?

Money has also become a concern. I was talking to my Ma the other day and wanted to share with her that I am afraid. A man provides for his family. Husband and father. “What Kind of Man Would I Be,” to admit that I’m afraid I can’t give you and our kids everything you want and need. But I wouldn’t be a good one. “What Makes a Good Man?”

Manuscripts full of bad ones. I was reading “My Writing.”

Yesterday, I kept getting the same response from “the critics.” I share far too much.

Truthful, yes, but too much. There’s “No Hope Left.” Apparently, I can’t say such things. I didn’t tell Braxton that as I watched him die. I don’t tell Virgil that when we walk every day. He needs to believe in a better world. A better me. What about myself, love?

Looking at myself in the mirror, I inevitably say, “I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend.” But what’s the truth? I want to tell the worst things, my Dirty Little Secret.

Braxton was euthanized Sunday, January 31, 2021, because I failed him. I don’t know how to reach Virgil. And I wish I was never born.

Because I am afraid. “It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” So why not share my sins with you? The things I have never done. Is it effed up that I think about this, like sharing food with my boys? Braxton eating hot dogs, and Virgil has pizza bites. You love?

I get off on the idea of watching you with someone being “ravished.” Cuckoldry vs Netorare (NTR). There’s a book in the closet, “Ravishment: The Dark Side of Erotic Fantasy” by Desmond Ravenstone. I’ve been excited by nonfiction violation stories. Exhibitionism is something I’d explore with you. My Sadism. Fear brings out my depravity. I share this with you because telling myself, my boys, I’ve failed. No B In Sharing.

1542 Days Without B III, Day 983 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will