Tag: Heaven

Journey 009 ~To B Late, Virgil~

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I Need A Dollar. And you’d think I’d have plenty. I’ve had the Day Job for over a decade, and how much did I make this week? Um… If my words pay. The story of my boy. The dirty things to his potential stepmom. You’re what! To B Late, Virgil

Thursday, July 10, 2025

Journey 009 ~To B Late, Virgil~

1621 Days Without B III, Day 1062 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? As usual, I’m late, and I do apologize, Monsieur B. What excuses do I have?

I’ve been chatting away, you and Virgil’s potential stepmom, M Anime. I haven’t slept well. And when I stop and think on “life” B I’m “Feeling super, super (super!) su*cidal.”

How long has it been? And I’m still not late. I wanted to take a nap a few days ago, but I was much too busy pulling ticks off of your little brother. It’s “Dirty Work” B. And not in the Tony Warren type of way. And speaking of yanking, wanking, and spanking. I know. Eww! Your Daddy is gross between M Anime, Cherry, and @SeeJaneGoTV” Yabbos. Braxton, you might be late for dinner, wanting to cuddle those dirty pillows.

“Dinner, Breakfast, and Lunch.” I’ve had a hard time getting Virgil to eat anything. SIGH

Did I mention I’m not sleeping as I listen to him cry all night? Or is it me? I don’t think I’ve cried today. Yesterday I was crying over your book. But it wasn’t because I “Miss You Much.” Janet Jackson? I do miss you, Braxton, but remind me to send this to M Anime.

She and I are always trading songs. But with everything going on, I’m not sure I’ll even make that lovers’ rendezvous. I would never deny you or her anything, but remember how long it took you and your favorite girl to get along? And now that your Dad has one.

I think you would like M Anime. But I also enjoy eating, and even if I published on the 25th…

I don’t think I can. Of course, you would throw The Pillows song “I Think I Can” at me, B.

Funny how words can have different meanings. Pillows? Do I mean where I cry a lot? Or where Virgil lies right now. The band? Or on the chest of the girl I pointed out to M Anime? Even she admitted that Jane has quite a pair of melons. She and I make quite the pair. This is why she could be your future stepmom. Virgil? Who knows his little mind?

But you didn’t want puppies, and you kept your “McNuggets.” M Anime might one day tell me that she’s late. Do you need more siblings, Braxton? “I Need A Dollar.” Bills! To B Late, Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Journey 007 ~Virgil, Tune Of B~

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This ends week one on this Journey. What do I have to say? I’d rather say nothing. But M Anime and I are tempting each other. Braxton says nothing because he’s still dead, and I’m not writing. What’s in Virgil’s little head? “Virgil, Tune Of B.”

Tuesday, July 8, 2025

Journey 007 ~Virgil, Tune Of B~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? But will we skip a “Love Song” today or two? You know me too well.

My ears hurt. Well, my head hurts. Trust me, I know when something’s wrong with my ears. I still hear the silence my firstborn son left behind. Is it scary that I’d joined B III? “Anytime, anyplace, anywhere, if you ever need me, I’ll be there.” A blood oath to my son. More like Bloodsport. But as much as I want to lie here and watch movies with you, My Love, there is a reason we’re speaking early this Monday, July 7, 2025, 3:00 PM.

Beloved, “Any Time, Any Place.” Dancing with you to Janet Jackson vs me crying over Braxton. That’s a whole other conversation. Not that I would ever deny you, My Love. Today, I would deny myself. “Feeling super, super (super!) su*cidal.”

If I don’t tell you, who would I tell? “Well, I feel STUPID. But it’s something that comes and goes.” I haven’t been good over the last couple of weeks on this Journey we call life. “Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today. To get through this thing called life.”

The more I try to cut the music off, the more that comes through. There is too much noise, My Love. I can handle the smell of replacing Virgil Vivi’s potty/training spot. In and out.

They call that breathing. And I can’t stand the sound of me breathing at all. What about the silent tears coursing down my face? It’s either Braxton or my exhaustion. And effing technology! Every beep and boop has me jumping.

Fireworks. They annoy V and B. They explode by the house. I’m ain’t “Never Scared.”

But the noise. Not at all like your pillow talk. Or should I go ahead and say your dirty talk? And the sounds your mouth makes when you’re doing other things, to me… For me. Your moans, whispers, cries, and screams. It’s like I’m John Seed, The Power of YES. It’s your heartbeat I care about, your breathing. When I know you’re going to explode.

So I won’t go getting “Tired Of You.” I’m tired of myself. I want to quit crying over Braxton sometimes. Or listening to Virgil’s munching and crying about whatever’s wrong with his eating. I want to quit digging my own grave. Virgil, Tune Of B

1619 Days Without B III, Day 1060 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Journey 006 ~Pancakes To B Feared~

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Last week, I wanted a burger. Today, I want pancakes. Braxton and Virgil’s potential stepmom can cook. I microwave. But I’ve been so afraid I can barely eat, and V? Like father, like son. B, my little Pancake, is brave. Pancakes to B Feared

Monday, July 7, 2025

Journey 006 ~Pancakes To B Feared~

Hey Dad,
It’s Me, Baby B… What? Huh? Pancakes? Who said somethin’ bout pancakes, b*tch. You cookin’? Pancakes? Yes, I know, Dad. “Language, young man!”

Young? Daddy, I was fifteen. And I’m sorry I couldn’t give you twenty. “Look, you wake up one day, and your legs, they just give.” Oh, I’m Michael De Santa now? You know me, Dad. Food. Forgetful? Not even with my age. And FEAR! The three pillars of your life…

At least these days. And I’m proud that you decided to read about food this morning… Pancakes, to be specific. Do you really need to read more about fallen fur children? I’m your child, your son, the same as my little brother Virgil. Think of me sitting in your lap right now as you stroke my head, and you tell me about my nickname. Pancake.

That was always one of my favorites. And yours, too.

Comedy comes in threes. When I was a puppy, you took me walking for the first time, and you said I was getting stronger. I was strong enough to jump on the bed and eat a plateful of waffles. The sausage? I swear, Daddy, the thing you humans eat sometimes. But the next morning, you had pancakes, and you placed them high so I couldn’t reach. And Grandma said, “You must love pancakes.” And then you’d tell me, “I love you like pancakes, but…” Then would come some WARNING. “Son, FEAR is the heart of love.” Dad, when we would watch The Walking Dead, you would say this. You remember:

“When you were, uh, pouring the Bisquick, were you trying to make pancakes?”
Abraham Ford

You said I couldn’t be more your son if you had made me yourself, Daddy.

Uh, what you showed me and V’s potential stepmom, M Anime, from Sunday. Um Eww.

You know, I walked up and down those stairs. And so does Virgil. Anyway, the third reason I got my name is because I would sit on your head, and you knew it was morning. I would curl up into your lap, and you would say I was just one warm pancake. Safe and Happy.

It looks like I’m still doing my job. I know you feel far from Safe and Happy. Daddy, you’re never happy. And yesterday was very hard for you. Talk about FEAR. You had to watch Freddy Krueger to calm down. My Daddy’s “Sicker, Faster, Bigger, Badder.” Virgil knows. M Anime. Me. Pancakes To B Feared

“Higher Further Faster”
Captain Marvel

“Call up your courage again. Dismiss your grief and fear. A joy it will be one day, perhaps, to remember even this.”
― The Aeneid

1618 Days Without B III, Day 1059 of Virgil’s Arrival

Always and Forever,
Your Son

Journey 002 ~So, Wings? Braxton, Virgil~

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In my wildest dreams, I picture my son in his final moments saying, “It’s my turn to fly. Father, be with me tonight.” What I think he said was “Why can’t I stay?” But probably, “Can we pick up some wings on the way home?” So, Wings? Braxton, Virgil.

Thursday, July 3, 2025

Journey 002 ~So, Wings? Braxton, Virgil~

1614 Days Without B III, Day 1055 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Did you get to where you’re going safely? What, right here by my side today?

Forgive me, but it takes a concentrated effort to even remember what day it is. Fireworks, notwithstanding. I swear Independence Day is like Armageddon for your sort. Virgil wasn’t too thrilled last night, and we haven’t even made it to the fourth yet. And me?

Braxton, you remember when I would sing to you, “Don’t look down.” Don’t feast your eyes on the things that are on the ground.” I know, I’m no David Ryan Harris. I’m not Marina either. All Teen Idle. But I’m still “Feeling super, super (super!) su*cidal.” I’m not singing that to Virgil. Your little brother has been hearing me mutter the word “EAT” all this week. Does that remind you of anyone? Your last day? Your last meal? And today…

Well, seeing as how I have to go and buy more dog food. Yes, your brother is eating, B III.

Anyway, maybe it was that terrible Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese I had yesterday. Braxton, I swear I thought I was going to get food poisoning. But this morning I had a hankering for some ranch wings, with that WILD sauce from Buffalo Wild Wings.

Braxton, you’ve been gone four long years, and I can’t remember if you were here when I discovered that. I want to remember the good things about you, about us. That’s something I’ve been saying a lot to you and Virgil’s potential stepmom, M Anime.

We’ll get to her. Now, I’m hungry and trying to forget my humiliations at Walmart.

There was a time when Walmart had a new guy, and I walked away with a half-filled bucket of chicken. Why? I don’t have the courage that Oliver Twist possessed.

Please, Sir, I want some more.
― Oliver Twist, Olivier!

More wings! More feathers in my cap! More cheese, cash, C.R.E.A.M. Dollar, dollar bill, y’all! And how am I paying for 2-V to eat at all? I’m not letting him join you today, B III.

“What do we say to the god of death… Not today!”
― Game of Thrones

You don’t want him following you either. Or me, for that matter. Especially with M Anime making me believe “I think I’ve found myself an angel. A pretty girl who makes my life complete.” Kenny Lattimore? What about Prince’s “The Most Beautiful Girl In the World”? Braxton, you know food and flight. But “Girls, Girls, Girls…” So, Wings? Braxton, Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 365 ~The B-Vs of Anniversaries~

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Happy Anniversary. Should I say that today or tomorrow? And what will tomorrow be? No more Meditations. I’m headed into my ninth year. I’m trying to get Virgil to five. His food’s here. No one’s stopping him. Love is here. “The B-Vs of Anniversaries”

Tuesday, July 1, 2025

Meditation 365 ~The B-Vs of Anniversaries~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? And when is our anniversary again? Do I have a Deathwish? I plead the 5th.

I didn’t want to start today, of all days, like this, my love. Sounding like MAGA. Eff MAGA always and forever. And FDT! But what about today? Meditation 365, beloved.

“Anniversary.” Who am I, Tony? Toni! Toné? I’ve been writing for going on 9 years. I can’t answer this question. Who am I? Your husband, lover, best friend. “My Love”

Where Is My Mind? We have our family. Our children. Two-legged ones at that. Dogdad? For my boys, Braxton and Virgil. “Always and Forever” Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night.” Always and Forever. And can we talk about this “Heatwave”? Hmm.

No, because I Just Can’t Stop Loving You. You’re mine. But my mind. Virgil’s mind. That’s where I am today.

Oh, and not looking in the mirror? I can’t tell you I’ll ever be one for a tux or any black-tie affair. Although black is my favorite color. And I’d always like to be ready for a funeral. In particular, my own. STOP IT! I hear you, baby doll; I really do. But speaking of dressing in black, what about my black skin? I took pictures of my “Enormous Pen*s.”

You know, as “Da Vinci’s Notebook” sings about. And while I’m pretty proud that my meat is murder… How many kids do we have now? I’m kidding. But I don’t understand how you can stand to look at me sometimes. I was walking with Virgil, and he looked so skinny yesterday. Like father, like son?

I have a heart after all to worry about him, so. And my soul is already condemned for B III. I won’t send Virgil to follow his Big Brother Braxton to the Rainbow Bridge. Which is why I was feeding him by hand last night. And there’s no Anniversary shenanigans.

Lessons, Episodes, Logs, Gospels, Chronicles, Sagas, Tales, and finally Meditations. Honestly, what will the next year bring? “Tomorrow,” If I were famous like Salif Keita.

“Lovin’ is what I got.” And ain’t that Sublime. I promised you “All Of Me.” Mind, body, and soul. But my mind, besides everywhere else, has been with my boys. I was ashamed of my body, like Winston in 1984. And my soul is lost between “The B-V’s of Anniversaries.”

1612 Days Without B III, Day 1053 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 364 ~I’ll B Back, Dad~

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All I wanted was a burger. It wasn’t like I could eat it. My stomach was doing flip-flops because I was so scared. Scared of what? A T-1000 is coming for me and Virgil. I haven’t felt safe about technology lately. If B III were here. I’ll B Back, Dad

Monday, June 30, 2025

Meditation 364 ~I’ll B Back, Dad~

Hey Dad,
It’s Me, Baby B… It’s not like I ever left you… Ok, alright, the food here is fantastic, so let me indulge some.

It’s not McDonald’s fries, which is why I’m here a day early. And the bad place you have to go to when you wake up. But I get to see it, ok, because I will be with you always, Dad.

“The Force will be with you, always.”
A New Hope

Star Wars? Jedi? You and I were always more like Sith Lords when it came to those movies. But as I sat beside Virgil this Sunday afternoon, he was so scared. And you were, too, Daddy. I mean, as frightened as I usually was when you took me for car rides. The benefits of being dead. I know that’s not funny. Do you want to call me a Force Ghost? Do you know what I really felt like? It was more Terminator 2: Judgment Day.

A T-800, Model 101, was sent to protect you. And yes, I know a machine reference is the last thing you want to hear; between Norton Antivirus and your nerves, you would always tell me I’m getting on. Only now, it isn’t me. It’s every noise from the glow boxes.

And the numbers. You keep telling my little brother, 2-V, that soon you’ll have nothing.

You want peace. And you have love, always for me. But Virgil, too. And how about my Favorite Girl? And now you have a girl of your own, Dad. V and I’s potential stepmom, M Anime. For her, you need wisdom and power. But right now, Dad, you need courage.

Do you remember my courage? I took “The Long Walk.”

Yes, I was scared, and I know you’re scared too. But I want you to remember who we are, Dad. I want you to remember the Dad you were whenever somebody tried messing with us. The Dad you were when the assistant store manager tried to insult my memory, Dad.

Be the man who found a way for me and my Favorite Girl to get along. You remember she and I didn’t always. But like father, like son. I liked comfy spots. She had yabbos.

Speaking of those, have the courage to make it until you can finally meet M Anime. Who knows… You’ll have the courage to love… She, my little brother, and some two-legged siblings that I’ll watch over. I’ll B Back, Dad.

“He’d never love anything more than getting obliterated.”
― Seven Days in June, Tia Williams

“Through chances various, through all vicissitudes, we make our way…”
From ― Virgil, The Aeneid

1611 Days Without B III, Day 1052 of Virgil’s Arrival

Always and Forever,
Your Son

Meditation 360 ~Stop At V, Braxton~

WillLeave a comment

I catch far too many Zs. And unless you’re talking about The Big Sleep… B III willing. He wouldn’t want that for me. I didn’t want that for him. But the sandman is a bunch of ashes in a box. Still, I write letter after letter. Stop At V, Braxton

Thursday, June 26, 2025

Meditation 360 ~Stop At V, Braxton~

1607 Days Without B III, Day 1048 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? It’s 10:20 AM here, so… I doubt I’ll be meeting you at the bridge today.

Hell! Even if I got lucky, I doubt I’d be headed to the Rainbow Bridge. I know B. Bad dad.

Only “I Can’t Stop.” Who am I, Flux Pavilion? No. And I’m not Marina going around singing “Teen Idle.” But today, I’m “Feeling super, super (super!) su*cidal.” I’ll see you…

Again, no. Not unless you wanted to meet me at the gates of Hell. And if only I would drown in my tears. I don’t know how to stop crying. I’m sure I cried every day for 161 days when I wasn’t leaking ‘other’ bodily fluids. Eww! But I’ve cried every day for the last couple of weeks at least. And today, while reading “Seven Days In June,” Shane said:

“I’m a person who doesn’t know when to stop.”
Seven Days in June, Tia Williams

Mourning, Writing, Lusting, Effing Up!

And speaking of writing, if you’re wondering why I’m late talking to you today. Yes, Braxton, I was busy editing your story “My Turn To B III.” You can thank your Favorite Girl, whom I had lunch with. There’s my Girl, too. You and V’s could be stepmom, M Anime.

Your Favorite Girl is my second-best friend. But M Anime is something else, you know.

She’s the “Girl All the Bad Guys Want.” And what am I? I put my firstborn son in a box.

I talked to Inspector Echo yesterday about not being a bee in the hive. And eff me, I’m an effing number to Norton. Because, as a ‘novelist,’ I can have every letter. Stopping at B.

Before being born, breathing, boobs.

Yabbos! We say yabbos around here. And you liked your Favorite Girl’s B. Not lying. Your honorary aunt has a great pair. I’m sure her wifey tells her all the time. And as far as M Anime. Seriously, I need to let you go before she gets here. NEVER! ACCEPTANCE? NEVER! We even talked about you, Braxton. If I ever Wifed her up for you and Virgil, and we had children. I’m naming a two-legged son after you. That’s why your little brother Virgil’s no reincarnation. You earned manhood “long ago, long ago, long ago.”

“I Turn Home.” Braxton, if I had my way, I would have stopped my Ma from making a mistake birthing me. But I’m here at V. Stop At V, Braxton.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 358 ~Virgil Takes Vitamin B~

WillLeave a comment

I wish I could afford an alcohol problem now. Hell, this morning, my lazy ass stayed in bed awhile and read about a girl sniffing Oxytocin. I want something to make me want to be awake or let me sleep. Sitting in the present as Virgil Takes Vitamin B

Tuesday, June 24, 2025

Meditation 358 ~Virgil Takes Vitamin B~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? Enough that my first question, besides “Beast of Burden,” is, what does Vitamin B do?

And there I go, thinking about “Special K,” sigh. She was my maid once upon a time. And she was the one who told me about Vitamin B. Did I mention I have a maid fetish, My Love? We’ll get to that. The Vitamin B I want to talk about is furry and has four legs. And often looked at me like, “Forget your troubles and just get happy.” “Get Happy.” My Love, I only want to be less afraid. “Be Not So Fearful.” Here are three fears I have:

  1. Braxton’s Death, Virgil’s Life
  2. My Old Man’s Birthday
  3. Whatever Norton Is Saying

And right behind these things:

  1. Losing You My Love
  2. Losing All Our Money
  3. The Loss Of America

FEAR is my energy source, My Love. Scare me enough, and I take action. Everything I did while my firstborn son Braxton lay dying. I should say he was on “The Long Walk” because he was ready to die on his feet. Anyway, I was rubbing his little brother Virgil’s belly, and I panicked when I saw a TICK so close to his eye that I “saved” him from, babe.

And now we have today. And eff Norton! Well, I would rather eff you, My Love. Besides wanting and needing your “Sexual Healing.” What else would help me be unafraid?

Speaking of Sinestro becoming my favorite villain in DC. Darth Vader in Star Wars, ha! Hulk is my hero. Anger. Tony Stark, Iron Man. Wealth.

Sickness? Eww! But I want to be sick. As if I can get everything bad out of my body. Love?

“Stay With Me. Cause you’re all I need.” We can sleep, we can have sex. And you know how I sin. Sadism. I was thinking about all my kinks. It’s effed up that I think of losing Braxton, which is the greatest pain I’ve ever known. Then, as Billy Ocean put it, ‘You wake up, and Suddenly you’re in love.” That’s me next to you, wanting to give a dose of Vitamin D. More like “I want to effing tear you apart” Why? I want to feel better. No son (Uh, Virgil, our other children…) No sun. Just your Love. While Virgil Takes Vitamin B.

1605 Days Without B III, Day 1046 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 357 ~Braxton’s Card, Papers, Deportation…~

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Who am I? Me or my father. I feel older with all of my FEARS, the fight to get out of bed. Have I found my boys a stepmom? I’ve seen photos of my future. Things that have frightened me. But finding peace. Not with Braxton’s Card, Papers, Deportation…

Monday, June 23, 2025

Meditation 357 ~Braxton’s Card, Papers, Deportation…~

Hey Dad,
It’s Me, Baby B… When people asked how old I was, it was because they wanted me to make cute little puppies like me. When I had cataracts…

Maybe or maybe not. You humans and your words. Not that it mattered much, Daddy.

You would always read to me anyway. Age-appropriate things you said. Bro, and yes, I just say ‘bro,’ Dad. I was older way before I turned 15. Way before I went away. But my father?

If that were the case, then who are you talking to right now? You’re old enough to consume alcohol. But you don’t usually. Old enough to be worried about credit and criminal activity; thanks, Norton. (Gives them one of my looks). You’re old enough to feel like you’re going Crazy. Yeah, if you’re going Crazy, it’s over me and Virgil’s potential stepmom, M Anime, in an Aerosmith kind of way. Give me some credit, Daddy.

She finds good music, and so do I. And if it ain’t credit, it’s your paper books, bucks, and bunches of papers that you bring in from outside that scare you. Even more than the paper in my potty spot in my room. You would say the same bad S-word about that. Don’t worry, I won’t say it. You have been saying a lot of bad words for both of us. Right? Even my “future” stepmom said something like that. It’s why she wants to come and see you, Dad.

“Friend. Lover. Victor. Enemy. Fiancee. Target. Mutt. Neighbor. Hunter. Tribute. Ally. I’ll add it to the list of words I use to try to figure you out. The problem is, I can’t tell what’s real anymore and what’s made up.”
Peeta ― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

I know there are things you and she can do together that can’t match. Eww! And even V is whining about it, too. But when she’s no longer on paper. When she’s with you, Dad?

“Your love is king
Crown you in my heart.”
Sade

“You are a king.”
Elijah to Clarence, from the movie The Book of Clarence (2023)

“You’re a good man with a good heart. And it’s hard for a good man to be king.”
Black Panther

You dream of “Dear Heaven.” Is there a heaven? And is anybody there? Yes, Dad, I’m here, and I know who and what I am. You would answer, my everything. I’m your Elijah to your Clarence. Hell! I was your Barabbas sometimes. I’m your “Brother My Brother.” I’m your bodyguard, your ride-or-die, your best friend, your inspiration for two novels, and every blog post since Sunday, January 31, 2021. The day I “left,” I’m your prince, the angel on your shoulder. And always and forever, forever and always. Dad, I am your son, Braxton, B.

So, who are you to think about “Deporting” yourself to Heaven? Hell? I’d follow Daddy.

“Who Are You?” “Who Made Who?” Wisdom, Courage, Power, and Love. Braxton’s Card, Papers, Deportation…

“If you loved someone, you loved him, and when you had nothing else to give, you still gave him love.”
― George Orwell, 1984 (Novel)

“A joy it will be one day, perhaps, to remember even this.”
― Virgil, Aeneid

1604 Days Without B III, Day 1045 of Virgil’s Arrival

Always and Forever,
Your Son

Meditation 353 ~B’s Take Flight, Virgil~

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Am I allergic to bees? I’ve never been stung. Feeling petrified or in pain, and my “Enormous P.” It springs up, and I don’t know what to do. A lie. But I’d rather let it all go. But something is constantly raising me up. B’s Take Flight, Virgil.

Thursday, June 19, 2025

Meditation 353 ~B’s Take Flight, Virgil~

1600 Days Without B III, Day 1041 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I don’t know how I’m feeling right this second. You and Virgil’s potential stepmom texted…

But last night was pretty effing terrible! LANGUAGE! And no, not because of her, B. Honestly, Braxton, you hated… How can I put this? EVERYONE! But you want me happy.

How dare I ask you to bark out Third Eye Blind’s “I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend” Third Eye Blind? B III? I swear Braxton Barks the things I remember.

I don’t want to remember last night. Why? Well, I fell asleep soon after catching up with NXT. So, the lights were on, and a show was playing, and your little brother, Virgil, had “snuck up” beside me. So I’m turning the lights off at 1:00 AM. Then like Squid Game’s Seong Gi-hun, I listen, hear, and understand this thought… cue his face I’m Effed!

Next thing you know, I’m scared, sobbing, the effing screaming inside my effing head, B.

Yes, yes, LANGUAGE, but there’s a reason your ashes rest above all my miniature armory. At that moment, son, I was (Feeling super, super (super!) su*cidal. I haven’t felt that close to you in a bit. And that’s what you were doing last night, biting me, pulling me away from that drawer. I swear I could hear the angel wings on your back, Little B.

But I also imagined your potential stepmom, M Anime. Lying there in the dark, I started compiling a playlist for her. “Ain’t Nobody” Chaka Khan! “Doin’ It.” “Footsteps in the Dark.” I know, Ew! Don’t you want siblings with two legs? And M Anime’s Yabbos…

But thinking about being the first man that will “sting” her, if you know what I mean. B, you don’t want to know. If I’m on top of her, I’m not falling into my grave. And thinking of her moaning, crying, and screaming. Somehow, it stopped my tossing and turning.

Virgil wakes me up, so I know I got some sleep. And next thing you know, I’m rushing him outside so he can go to the bathroom. If only Virgil were more like you, Braxton. Seriously, I still want to be like you. But I can’t hurt you, M Anime and V like that ever.

“What was it like, the luxury of not hurting?”
Seven Days in June, Tia Williams

Did you go to Heaven to hold me up? M Anime above me. Walking with Virgil. B’s Take Flight, Virgil

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad