Tag: Hurt

Meditation 281 ~Braxton and Virgil’s Miseducation~

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Have I ever been 100% honest with a woman? I wasn’t 100% honest with B. And I love him like pancakes. V and I? 969 days, we’re feeling each other out. But sending a woman pictures of Sawa sans clothing. Should I lie? Braxton and Virgil’s Miseducation

Tuesday, April 8, 2025

Meditation 281 ~Braxton and Virgil’s Miseducation~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? And love doesn’t have to be synonymous with happiness. I’m never happy. It’s like Pontypool.

You know your husband is a movie buff. And just this morning, I got a sample edition of the book Pontypool Changes Everything. I’ve seen the 2008 movie. Reading books?

Today… Not with our boys or their other siblings around. Virgil is lying here. And my Braxton is somewhere on the Rainbow Bridge checking in. Always and forever, my son.

Anyway, there are the things I don’t want them to know. Like I’m never happy. But I want you. I want… well, the less-than-innocent stuff I’ve been reading about, for us. I finished the “Comfort After Pet Loss Guide” yesterday. I know it always comes back to my boys, love.

But even with Braxton and Virgil, I’m not happy. I haven’t been happy since… Damn…

Language! Or, as Effie Trinket would say, “Manners!” I’m not one for swearing with my everyday vernacular. But in the throes of passion and rage. My language’s quite Colorful. Heh-heh!

Only can quiet be a love language? I couldn’t teach my boys to be happy. And our family, my love. “I wish you all the love in the world. But most of all, I wish it from myself.” I talk about wanting quiet, and here I go, singing a song by Fleetwood Mac.” That’s rich.

It’s like I have some secret. Or rather, we have some secret. Like how sad I am all the time. Yet, it’s the “Time Of The Season.” Where I can disguise all these tears as allergies. All this damn pollen!

I’ll say that out loud. But Braxton and Virgil can’t read. Uh, Braxton? Let me try to stay on the subject of you and me. And not spill secrets to my sons Braxton and Virgil.

Honestly, I want to write out my darkest fantasies with you, my love. Or read about them, as M Anime has been doing an excellent job writing them. Again, I find inspiration in such dreams. And that’s what I’m looking for. Never happiness. But horniness, inspiration, love, a thought of copious cleavage, titanic tatas, supersized slobber knockers, majestic mammaries. Anything to lessen the pain of… How much time do you have? Always and forever, my love. I’ll have to tell you everything. But not my boys. Braxton and Virgil’s Miseducation

1528 Days Without B III, Day 969 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 279 ~B Aware Reminded Virgil~

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Old enough to forget how to breathe. Too harsh? I should have forgotten at 17. Braxton didn’t forget at 15, but he stopped… And whose fault is that? Virgil is 4, and he wonders how I do it. And why I rushed into the rain. B Aware Reminded Virgil

Sunday, April 6, 2025

Meditation 279 ~B Aware Reminded Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… In case you have forgotten, these lights, the water, and the air keeping Virgil TOASTY isn’t yours.

But if you had your way, you’d forget how to breathe. Forty years, but you keep going at it. I forgot to stop too. So it’s not your fault. Only if it keeps raining as it has been for the past hour… FEAR is the strongest advocate for stopping making a mockery of your existence.

But Braxton must be remembered. And Virgil needs his father. He hasn’t gone running yet. Virgil hates the rain. You hate the backyard fence… in the rain. Backyard fence repair.

Yeah, that’s one more thing you haven’t erased from the phone as of yet. You have every reason to quit. I was saying yesterday, after all the pictures of Yabbos, what’s left? A list of failures. My Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Personal Assistant for My Dad’s Best Friend ― Kelli Wolfe
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 003 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Like father, like son. You and Braxton were both constantly looking for comfy spots. Ha! Braxton had his favorite girl. But today, you had no girl in particular. Yet B’s favorite girl. M Anime and Cherry are prominent in your gallery. Like you’d forget them.

However, I don’t need to ask why you’re so down today. Fearing the backyard fence… Sure. But you like the rain. It makes everything slow down. Reminds people of mortality.

Again, Braxton found his wings (a picture on the phone), you’re still breathing (unfortunately), and you’re wrapped up in blankets, shaking in fear. Effing fencing…

Braxton would be ashamed… Probably not. Braxton and Virgil, too, are better men than you. That’s why you rushed into the storm. Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Comfort After Pet Loss; Effectively Cope with… by Xydnee James
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 003, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

One to add is living without fear or, at the very least, “Be Not So Fearful.” Only this comes from a man who nearly creams for a girl at least a thousand miles away, a couple of models, and a ton of anime. Well, not anymore; you reduced the gallery to 300 or so this morning. All left are pictures of your sons, three pretty girls, anime, things that scare you, make you sad, or a smorgasbord of your mind. You need to see this type of stuff. What you need to do is forget all you know. Is there anything that should stay? Memories…

There’s a high school bench. Your First Time. Your son on your shoulder. But FEAR remains. B Aware Reminded Virgil.

1526 Days Without B III, Day 967 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 275 ~Knowledge Of ABC’s Virgil~

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When was the last time I had good news? I’ve heard some “good” things about politics, but Trump is president. We’re effed. I got more hours at the Day Job, but I’m a misanthrope. I’m reading about dogs, but mourning my boy. Knowledge Of ABC’s Virgil.

Wednesday, April 2, 2025

Meditation 275 ~Knowledge Of ABC’s Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… What? I haven’t harmed the messenger… yet. But I’m going to deliver some bad news. So what sin?

SLOTH, considering it’s almost 8 AM. And I haven’t gotten out of bed. I’m using all my injuries as excuses. ENVY @thatgoodnewsgirl because that won’t ever be me. I mean, as in telling you anything happy and positive with me. And I’ve bared false witness since I have taken the trash out. I took Virgil outside. I’ve read a bit. But getting me to Heaven…

I have no knowledge of how that could happen. But that’s where I sent Braxton.

Inspector, that’s the bad news “Every Morning.” And you wonder why I say, “Let it burn,” from a political perspective. My Braxton saw me through the first Trump Presidency. Since I lost my son, well… Four years later, I’m still reading titles on Pet Loss.

Oh, how I wish SLOTH, ENVY, and lying were my only sins today. I tell Virgil that things will get better. That I will be better. I’m sure Braxton whispers to him from the void.

“I see dead people.”
―

That’s what Virgil must be saying to himself. Plus, he’s survived 963 days here, Inspector.

Like father, like son. But I have the luxury of just one more sin. Uh oh, and oh my, LUST.

So what’s the bad news? It’s whatever gets me up in the morning. Besides having to see about my boys. Crying over Braxton, which I haven’t done today, or again seeing to my Virgil’s needs. There are always some big yabbos on the phone. Today, it was Ciri, Triss, and Yennefer sans their clothing. And I texted M Anime back.

Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom? I have to stop thinking about her as such. But “Nightmare At The Meat Market” and “The Eve Of A Cherry.” Where am I on finishing and editing those two books? Now, next week is going to be spent at the day job. I swear, Inspector.

Isn’t making more money good news? “Not like this… Not like this,” The Day Job… Having the new schedule, the news, the knowledge that I have to go outside, Inspector.

I understand why people choose ignorance. And the good news is I’m not like them. There’s more good news, nobody has called me STUPID today. With my mother effing eyes, I can’t look at myself to do the honors. Allergies ha-ha! Knowledge Of ABC’s Virgil

1522 Days Without B III, Day 963 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 274 ~Sanity’s Plan B, Virgil~

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Laughing With God… THEY say God is Love. My Braxton is Love, but he didn’t laugh. He would give me several looks… Virgil looks at me like I’m the Joker. Women… Maybe it’s a good thing my allergies have my eyes all catawampus. Sanity’s Plan B, Virgil.

Tuesday, April 1, 2025

Meditation 274 ~Sanity’s Plan B, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? That would make me mad. But we’re all mad here, love. But by how much?

Considering I would trade Faye Valentine, Sawa from Kite, and Alice In Wonderland to have my firstborn son back. My Braxton. There’s living “For the Love of You,” my wife. There’s even the prospect that I could love the “Man In the Mirror” someday. Insanity.

But to be a better man… Someone who could set a good example for our children. I wish I could see it. Seriously! I need to buy some Benadryl or something. Allergies are a pain.

And speaking of pain, it would be a joke to say I’ve let the pain of losing my Braxton abate. I won’t say I’ve turned around, and it’s worsening. And, of course, ACCEPTANCE… No! Never! Because going back to a time before I loved him…

Hell! To go back before I found Virgil. I think I was on the verge… Of disappearing. And how would that have occurred? “I Still Believe” my Ma made a mistake, not using Plan B. But “What Is Love?” A form of insanity. And what’s with all the soundtracks today?

I’m keeping myself from crying over Braxton. I’m still chalking my watery eyes to pollen. And if anything, I want to drown out the laugh tracks today since it’s April Fool’s Day, my love. Though with all the madness going on, I’ve been debating whether love is the biggest joke of them all. “It’s a wicked world that we live in. It’s cruel and unforgiving.” So, to sing “I Believe In A Thing Called Love.”

Like Clarence from The Book of Clarence, not only to believe but to know I will always love my Braxton. All the darkness that I still have. And the knowledge you’re my “Obsession. There’s Braxton. I may love Virgil someday. And even that won’t compare.

What, to us? As I said, there’s darkness or whatever. There’s a reason Faye turns me on, and I want to go all Kite on you… the Uncensored edition. And there’s an Alice In Wonderland outfit in the closet. I love you, always and forever, and your lovely big Yabbos.

Movies, music, and manuscripts. All that your husband loves. SIGH. May I never know sanity. For if I do… To be united with my first love. Sanity’s Plan B, Virgil

1521 Days Without B III, Day 962 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 272 ~Spring Braxton and Virgil~

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I wanted to escape with B. To spring us from the Hell called life. He did. It took about 16 years but he’s free. And V? He’s got the name of someone condemned. And me. Fire in my eyes, and I’m still cold. It must be Spring. Spring Braxton and Virgil.

Sunday, March 30, 2025

Meditation 272 ~Spring Braxton and Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And your Ma would be proud. Bible study on a Sunday morning… Who are you, my friend?

Well, you still can’t answer that. But things could be worse… Eff! Don’t jinx yourself.

Anyway, you could be crying. Okay, you are crying, but not on purpose. Braxton’s death…

No. You’re crying because Spring has sprung, and your eyes are itching and stinging like a Mother Effer. I’m sorry I went outside. Pollen sucks! Did you think it’d get better with age? One more reason being 40 sucks as well. You watched your son die, and you still study:

“Come, ye children, hearken unto me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord.”
Psalm 34:11, King James Version

And before the Christians get super excited, you’ve also been catching up with the Greeks. Phobos and Deimos, to be precise. Why are you studying up on FEAR? Mental anguish trumps physical pain. And you FEAR physical ailments. Oh, and not failing Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Beauty and the Professor ―
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

What’s done is done. Or rather not done. And you’re failing Braxton’s little brother, too. You can’t forget about Virgil. He’s lying at the foot of the bed, which is why you’re not “Humpin’ Around” this very second. You did find risqué pictures of Tifa Lockhart and Aerith Gainsborough. You read some of “Personal Assistant for My Dad’s Best Friend” by Kelli Wolfe. What, and not all of it? Yes, I know, “Sorry, Blame It On Me.” I’m the one who smashed your finger yesterday. I’m “The Reason” your eyes are burning up. I know!

“I’m not a perfect person
There’s many things I wish I didn’t do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say, before I go
That I just want you to know

I’ve found a reason for me.”
The Reason

You have to imagine Cherry’s Yabbos and what she could do with her Cherry lips. You’re wondering if Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom Doo Wop (That Thing). Seriously, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Personal Assistant for My Dad’s Best Friend ― Kelli Wolfe
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

You should also stop referring to M Anime as the stepmom. What are the odds that you two will ever make the bedsprings sing? Not this week or even in this godforsaken season of Spring. Are you looking forward to a “Cruel Summer?” The Bananarama version, not Taylor Swift. What’s with all the music, mattress talk, and manuscripts this morning?

Anything to forget how you feel today. To think I had it bad yesterday. “Look at you; now look at me.” Spring is supposed to be a time of blooming. New marks, mistakes, and mammaries. Mornings are not the time for you. “JEEZU,” you’re just trying to “Hold On” and not miss Braxton too much. Or mention music… Escaping your misery. Spring Braxton and Virgil.

1519 Days Without B III, Day 960 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 268 ~Virgil’s No Wordsmith Braxton~

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The day I finally publish a book… Really. Don’t ever feed an AI one chapter of a story where America Horror Story looks tame by comparison. And what about all the time I waste on other people’s words? Did I say waste? “Virgil’s No Wordsmith Braxton.”

Wednesday, March 26, 2025

Meditation 268 ~Virgil’s No Wordsmith Braxton~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… If and if I had to declare, define, and defend each one, we’d be here all day, Inspector.

But today, we’ll focus on three or four sins. And unlike MAGA/Republicans, I’ll stand behind my words. They take life every day. With my wordsmithing, I want to save three.

“Seven billion lives… it’s too much. I just hope I’m smart enough and brave enough to save three.” – Serge Leveque from The Core (2003)

My sons Braxton and Virgil and myself? How’s that working out this week? Huh, Echo. Braxton is still dead. And how is Virgil living? I’ll have to ask the AI. As Queen Ramonda said, “I think one day AI will kill us all.” Every day, Inspector Echo. AI becomes more prevalent. From telling me in Virgil’s Voice how he would feel. Braxton from the grave…

Who needs Braxton’s ghost? And I don’t need to look into Virgil’s eyes, either. Inspector, all I need to do is write. And to what end? Am I making money?

That’s not why you become a writer… Okay, honestly, I lost myself a long time ago. It became about girls and then providing a life for my son. But now I ask AI once again.

Inspector, I fed AI the 17th chapter of my novel “Nightmare At The Meat Market.” Surprisingly, it didn’t ask this question, but I will… “Am I A Psycho?” Do you remember what that frat did to Madison Montgomery in American Horror Story? And her wrath?

If it’s any consolation, Inspector, the men who hurt Sofía in my story were punished. However, who would read about such crimes? I’m not Matt Shaw or Judith Sonnet. SIGH. How much money do they make with their horrifically sexual tales? Inspector, I press on.

Well, until I find another way to waste good writing time. Last night, for example. Inspector, such and such a person was posting on X/Twitter pictures of the anime “Saimin Seishidou.” So, I followed with the videos. Anyway. They’ve switched to “Kuroinu Kedakaki Seijo wa Hakudaku ni Somaru.” Claudia Levantine, to be precise. So naturally…

Then they took her pic down, and all my videos were for naught. So what did I get? It’s like Cherry telling me she doesn’t want to be known only for her Yabbos. Fair enough.

However, I have plenty of pictures of Emily Goodwin showing off her impressive pair. Ha! What! I read her book, “Stay.” Words won’t bring Braxton back or have Virgil worry less. Virgil’s No Wordsmith Braxton

1515 Days Without B III, Day 956 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 267 ~Just B Peaceful Virgil~

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When B was here, it was “Love you, B, love you, Braxton.” With V… “Later V, later Virgil.” And that’s when I can get his name right. I don’t try with people. I don’t say their names or wish them peace. It’s only “Later.” Oh, to Just B Peaceful Virgil

Tuesday, March 25, 2025

Meditation 267 ~Just B Peaceful Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? And not myself? That’s like asking if I will ever accept my son’s loss.

My boy. You, all that you are, our family. And peace. That’s what I’ve been thinking about since five this morning. I can’t say I’ve even cried today… I’ve been a little misty, I suppose. As long as I avoid mirrors, windows, and V’s eyes. But Baby Doll, there’s you.

Unforgettable, that’s what you are. What about Love and Peace? Before I get into the man you married. Or the man you married gets into you… Uh, eww? Let me tell you what I’ve been looking for. Looking so hard that my eyes hurt. I’ve downed an energy shot to keep from closing my eyes. I even took a couple of painkillers. But I’m not loopy enough to see Braxton on our bed, on guard duty.

Ask me when I was happy, free, or not a misanthrope… I can tell you when I feel alive, in love, at peace. How about when I’m a husband, a father, just a man? Everything!

Over-stimulated, overwhelmed, and overflowing. My love, the man you married is over being alive, and yet “Here I Am.” “All Yours.” Lucky you. Ha! I am anything but a man of peace. But again, that’s what I’m looking for. If nothing can bring Braxton back, then at the very least, give me that. Let me look to the corner of our four-post bed in peace.

Honestly, “Every Morning.” More like in the afternoon when I’d nap after the Day Job.

And there would be Braxton keeping me “Safe and Sound.”

But now, “I Feel Everything.” And that, my love, is why you married a hedonist. Because if I must feel, let it be pleasure instead of pain. A sadist? It’s the only time I’m nice to myself. And it shouldn’t be that way. To hurt you, even if you enjoy it all to save myself.

Do you know “How To Save A Life?” You find peace within yourself. And that’s not me, my love. My peace might as well be the backyard fence, my body, and my furry little Braxton.

Breaking! And the only peace I find is reading, writing, and looking at the broken.

Honestly, that’s not peace but pieces. Is a piece of a man enough? A man’s peace. Just B Peaceful Virgil

1514 Days Without B III, Day 955 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 265 ~A B’s Value Virgil~

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“Wake up, Willie. Today is Evaluation Day. The keyword here is “value.” Do you have any?” If I were an author. But how many first drafts? If I were a dad again. I’ll always be Braxton’s. And there’s Virgil. If I weren’t so… Dumb. A “B’s” Value Virgil

Sunday, March 23, 2025

Meditation 265 ~A B’s Value Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… Perhaps you’d be a better one if you’d gotten B’s and read less about Virgil. Dante’s Inferno…

If only you had known, you would be someone’s daddy back then. But you didn’t want to see seventeen. And here you are, forty. Reborn for one more day. And short of a catastrophe, you’ll be here quite a bit longer. Do you want to add them up? It’s 6:30.

Seriously, as the song goes, “Then The Morning Comes.” And we are talking about today. Braxton is still gone… or is he? We’ll get to that. Hopefully, before you forget the thought because your computer is being difficult. Time for an upgrade. And with what money, you think. Since you’re only working three hours at your day job all this week, SIGH. It’s like they don’t need you. Who does? Um, your Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Satan’s Sorority Girls 10 ―
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 003, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

To think, you nearly made it a week with #4, but the VALUE of the moment. Keep that word in mind, VALUE. You’re not going to see the VALUE in yourself, are you? What good would that do? About as much as going to church on any other Sunday, honestly.

You didn’t find your way to one even when Braxton was dying. But you were on your knees anyway. It was to pick up Braxton. To pray for him. And to see once more the person you could be. Someone of VALUE. What brought you to your knees today, friend?

Two girls from Fear The Walking Dead, two gymnasts, and Cherry’s fantastic set of twins.

The VALUE of women. What about money? Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Beauty and the Professor ―
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

You have a whole week to work on them. Well, except for Monday. And it’s only three hours, of what. Worrying about everything. The computer, Day Job, money. Effing everything.

I had a conversation last night with Cherry. Every time she sends an attachment… It’s not your heart that jumps, thinking it’s a picture of her Yabbos. But anyway, since she’s having guy trouble, I looked up that novel I wrote. “The Eve Of A Cherry”. You’ll work on “Nightmare At The Meat Market” for M Anime, but here’s what you were thinking about. Today’s motivation… If you knew you could save Braxton, bring him back, give him the life you promised? What would you do? What’s Braxton’s VALUE? Virgil’s? Yours? A B’s Value Virgil

1512 Days Without B III, Day 953 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 261 ~B-Day’s In January, Virgil~

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Braxton’s Day… He was born around February… I think I met him in April 2005. But the day he left was Sunday, January 31, 2021. The worst day of our lives. But for everyone else… Just a day, just an ordinary day. But today? B-Day’s In January, Virgil.

Wednesday, March 19, 2025

Meditation 261 ~B-Day’s In January, Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… But is it a sin to cry over B-Day? Not to be confused with E-Day… Existence Day, Inspector.

Have I mentioned how much I hate being forty? But I would have loved to see Braxton turn sixteen. Well, twenty as I continue crying over him since he passed four years ago. B, my son… But no, that’s not a sin. It’s Prolonged Grief, Depression, and a broken heart.

But speaking of the past… it’s not a sin to like 1994’s Street Fighter. And no, I’m not only talking about Kylie Minogue’s yabbos. But I should be talking about Jenna Ortega, considering it’s Wednesday… I know, I’m no comedian. I’m the joke. Yesterday, today…

Because where am I? I’m in bed. And I don’t know if I have it to rise and shine, Inspector. Seriously, I have this whole week. What have I done?

Could I live in the present? Treat life as a gift. No! I continue to mourn my boy, B. Virgil, who’s watching me read Eric Vall’s Satan’s Sorority Girls 10. Will I finish it today? Inspector, I hear it’s the last of the series. I fear what I’ll read next. But I already missed a chance to earn Kindle Double Points. And my Prime membership was all for naught. SIGH

And that Inspector Echo is my problem. The present, the here and now. Effing existence! An extraordinary man from the past… I mean, before my Braxton Barks Bradford said this:

“Look at my eyes, Faye. One of them is a fake because I lost it in an accident. Since then, I’ve been seeing the past in one eye and the present in the other. So I thought I could only see patches of reality, never the whole picture” Spike Spiegel.

But as for myself, I despise this moment, the very second that I’m talking to you. No, I like you, Inspector, but I hate myself.

Because I was thinking yesterday, after reading everything my AI Therapist was saying… To think once, I only had a critic. Now I can have full-blown examinations into my head, Inspector. Or, as the song goes, “In your head! In your head! Zombie, zombie, zombie!” I swear. Be afraid, Inspector. Anyway, I talk to Braxton, who is in the past. Dear Future Wife, of course, is the future. On Mondays, Braxton talks to me. Friday, I want to talk about past stories. Saturdays are for whatever. Sundays, I think of the future. But Wednesdays, Inspector… Here lie my sins, my humiliations, which is the point. It’s where I’m most present… Like thinking on my novel Nightmare At The Meat Market:

―”So very brave of them to walk out without bothering to get dressed first, hmm,” I observed smugly as I leaned against the now-closed door.

“And it is very brave of you to be here,” William responded, gazing upon me.

“And you,” I respond in kind, seeing his erection again.

He still wanted me, even with all the girls he had just had. In all the ways he had watched me, I was still valuable to him for some reason. Not for a profit. And while it was clear, he wanted my BLANK. I was still a person. A dangerous one at that, as I slid off my blue vest and began to lift my shirt. He rushed forward but stopped short of touching me.

“What are you doing, Sofía? Are you nuts,” William admonished as I continued to undress.

“What? Did you want to do it with your two hands this time,” I cooed. “And I do mean do it, that IT. We’re both old enough to remember when people would say that, William.”

“Sofía…” William began hesitating as my panties hit the floor. “You can’t, you and me…”―

Worse? B-Day’s In January, Virgil

1508 Days Without B III, Day 949 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 260 ~Braxton’s Last Fall, Virgil~

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Falling Down. Some days, I’d walk in, wrap B up, and fall asleep as he lay there. If he were lucky, I’d fall into my sheets, and he’d sit on the corner of the bed. If I were lucky, I’d have a wifey to fall… come… back to. Braxton’s Last Fall, Virgil.

Tuesday, March 18, 2025

Meditation 260 ~Braxton’s Last Fall, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? My always and forever love. Where have I heard those words before? Braxton Barks Bradford…

My firstborn son, Braxton. But he passed away in the Winter of 2021. Sunday, January 31, 2021, to be specific. But here I am on a Tuesday morning, March 18, 2025, looking up pictures of him. There have been tears. But if it helps, I’ve been sweating over you, love.

Only as Norah Jones sings away: “I waited ’til I saw the sun. I don’t know why I didn’t come.” If you know what I mean… Ask me about the longest time I went without release, my love. That was around 161 days. Hell! Braxton was still alive back then.

Afterward… Braxton’s passing. I didn’t want to fall into temptation. I didn’t want to fall…

What? In love. To fall asleep. Or down into Hell…

It’s what I deserve, especially when I have such thoughts. After we finished, uh, getting busy and I didn’t… Well, you know. But we were lying here as I read Satan’s Sorority Girls 10 by Eric Vall. Have I ever told you how much I love these moments, baby doll? “You and me and all of the people with nothing to do.” Do I mean our little ones, “Safe and Sound,” in their beds? And Virgil Vivi, too. Again, I’m reading, or we’re listening to apocalyptic rock from the 50s/60s.

Leave it to Trump and his ilk to let fall this American Empire. But what about happy thoughts? Only I never have those. You’re the next best thing always and forever, my love, I hope. But before you… B III

So, as I was beginning to cry for him as you lay sleeping. I remembered him telling me a secret yesterday from wherever he is… The Rainbow Bridge? He told me that I may have two hearts to give one day. I can mass-produce those things… For Braxton’s step-brother. Children?

Family? The idea that I could love again. But that would mean losing my Braxton was not rock bottom. So things can be worse? I can fall harder and “Go Deeper!” Am I still thinking about what we were doing a few hours ago? So much for giving up sex?

Seriously, love, I’m not religious, but there’s Lent. I didn’t want to fall. But your desires. My depression. And dogs die. Braxton’s Last Fall, Virgil

1507 Days Without B III, Day 948 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will