Tag: Hurt

Meditation 363 ~When Braxton Kinged Virgil~

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My head hurts… I want to climb under the covers and put a pillow over my face. Not cool? Neither is my B III. Not being here to sit on my head. Or a pretty girl sitting on my face. Am I crass? I’m not a good man or a king. When Braxton Kinged Virgil.

Sunday, June 29, 2025

Meditation 363 ~When Braxton Kinged Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And you’re willing your head to hurt. You don’t want to look at yourself. I didn’t either.

But it will be your curse for this week. Don’t worry, you only have to go out once or twice.

Day Job, Gas, Store… With what money? If you think you look bad, take a gander at your Day Job schedule. Better yet, take a peek at your bank account. Or how about B’s story?

Braxton is dead. That is the worst thing you’ve ever seen. He was so beautiful, even in death. No wonder you wanted to pack it in. Ah, yes, you needed some tears today. B III.

“You’re leaving me, Rainbow Girl.”
― Karen Marie Moning, Dreamfever

You’re neither a girl nor gay (nothing wrong with rainbows) nor a “happy” boy. But tears, sweat, lube, and what color is Capri Sun? Anyway, the clarity reveals everything. How I Failed Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Captive of the Beast Men: Monster Caveman Erotica, Kelli Wolfe
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 038, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 045* No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

And I’ve made things even worse for you. I wish I could have left you a Crown. Hell Crowns if we were talking about the Lords of the Realm II universe. You could use the gold right now. “I could really use a wish right now,” you’re telling yourself. The sky is falling down on you. “When the Stars Go Blue,” they fall, too. “Airplanes,” as well. “Don’t Look Up,” huh. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. You never asked for this. True.

You feel overwhelmed. Like you’ll overflow, and you want it all to be over. It’s your first day, and still, you’re carrying on with “Feeling super, super (super!) su*cidal,” right?

You’re no Teen Idle capable of doing Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING As yet to be determined
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 045* No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

So what was Braxton thinking when he tapped his little brother, Virgil? He didn’t gain B III’s crown but a cross. Lay down his burden, “Down By The Riverside.” He needs to go “Down To The River To Pray.” Do dogs have knees… If 2-V had even that small mercy.

Speaking of somebody being on their knees, Braxton and Virgil’s potential stepmom, M Anime. Yes, you’re crude, a “Creep” in a Radiohead sort of way. And you want to cum as hard as that guy did in “Blow Slow Talin” from Reality Kings. A man of taste, I see. Nope!

You’re just a pretender. Long Live The King? On $11.00? Long Live The Prince. Because you lost your head long ago. When Braxton Kinged Virgil.

1610 Days Without B III, Day 1051 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 359 ~B’s Are Helpful, Virgil~

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I can’t say I’m another worker bee in the hive. Despite working on a book, taking care of Braxton’s little brother, Virgil, or basically getting out of bed. But there’s a beautiful girl; I want to honor B. If I keep buzzing… “B’s Are Helpful, Virgil”

Wednesday, June 25, 2025

Meditation 359 ~B’s Are Helpful, Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… But is it helpful to be reminded of that today and every Sunday? The things I should do…

I should call Norton for one. I should be protecting myself. There are other jobs, Inspector. But instead, I’ll pop some painkillers. I could go all Lester Burman and say, “I was whacking off! That’s right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying ‘hi’ to my monster!” to some American Beauty. Choking the chicken to a Puerto Rican goddess. That would be Braxton and Virgil’s potential stepmom, M Anime. As long as Puerto Rico is still part of the U.S.A. Eff MAGA and FDT! I could also take a nap, Inspector Echo. However, the fact is that none of this would be helpful. I mourn Braxton.

Hell! I was editing Braxton’s book today, but how does that help? Bleeding, broken, broke.

I can read all about how if the bees go extinct, humanity is done. But what can I do, Echo?

I could have made B’s in school rather than D’s and F’s. Would my “life” be any better, Inspector? Could I have saved my Braxton? Or provide a better life for Little Virgil lying here. And what about any two-legged children that came along? Again, I think about M Anime. A woman who wants me, and I can’t even stand myself. My head hurts, Echo.

Braxton always had a way to make things better. At least less scary, Dear Inspector.

Didn’t I say FEAR is helpful? Currently, it’s overwhelming unless it’s going to take me to my boy. Death doesn’t scare me. But creating life.

M Anime called me a Demiurge yesterday. I always pictured myself more of a Necromancer type. But the knowledge that makes me feel good is a rarity. These days, most of what I know scares me. And then with the unknown, bullies, bills, bucks. But then there’s Boobs/yabbos, beauty, and always bed. These B’s are everywhere. Just like my boys

But then again, there’s no B in HELP, FEAR, or EXISTENCE because I failed, Inspector.

Life is “Bloodsport,” Inspector. But I’m not buff. “Where Is My Mind?” My brain. And again, the greatest B of them all. My son, my Braxton. This isn’t helpful, Inspector.

Breathing and buzzing. Yet hoping to sting M Anime her first time. Um, you know, me. B’s Are Helpful, Virgil.

1606 Days Without B III, Day 1047 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 358 ~Virgil Takes Vitamin B~

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I wish I could afford an alcohol problem now. Hell, this morning, my lazy ass stayed in bed awhile and read about a girl sniffing Oxytocin. I want something to make me want to be awake or let me sleep. Sitting in the present as Virgil Takes Vitamin B

Tuesday, June 24, 2025

Meditation 358 ~Virgil Takes Vitamin B~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? Enough that my first question, besides “Beast of Burden,” is, what does Vitamin B do?

And there I go, thinking about “Special K,” sigh. She was my maid once upon a time. And she was the one who told me about Vitamin B. Did I mention I have a maid fetish, My Love? We’ll get to that. The Vitamin B I want to talk about is furry and has four legs. And often looked at me like, “Forget your troubles and just get happy.” “Get Happy.” My Love, I only want to be less afraid. “Be Not So Fearful.” Here are three fears I have:

  1. Braxton’s Death, Virgil’s Life
  2. My Old Man’s Birthday
  3. Whatever Norton Is Saying

And right behind these things:

  1. Losing You My Love
  2. Losing All Our Money
  3. The Loss Of America

FEAR is my energy source, My Love. Scare me enough, and I take action. Everything I did while my firstborn son Braxton lay dying. I should say he was on “The Long Walk” because he was ready to die on his feet. Anyway, I was rubbing his little brother Virgil’s belly, and I panicked when I saw a TICK so close to his eye that I “saved” him from, babe.

And now we have today. And eff Norton! Well, I would rather eff you, My Love. Besides wanting and needing your “Sexual Healing.” What else would help me be unafraid?

Speaking of Sinestro becoming my favorite villain in DC. Darth Vader in Star Wars, ha! Hulk is my hero. Anger. Tony Stark, Iron Man. Wealth.

Sickness? Eww! But I want to be sick. As if I can get everything bad out of my body. Love?

“Stay With Me. Cause you’re all I need.” We can sleep, we can have sex. And you know how I sin. Sadism. I was thinking about all my kinks. It’s effed up that I think of losing Braxton, which is the greatest pain I’ve ever known. Then, as Billy Ocean put it, ‘You wake up, and Suddenly you’re in love.” That’s me next to you, wanting to give a dose of Vitamin D. More like “I want to effing tear you apart” Why? I want to feel better. No son (Uh, Virgil, our other children…) No sun. Just your Love. While Virgil Takes Vitamin B.

1605 Days Without B III, Day 1046 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 356 ~Braxton IS WOKE, Virgil~

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My boys are from Mexico (originally). American citizens, but lacking opposable thumbs makes voting difficult. Their potential stepmom? I hope she stays safe. Should I hop the pond and visit Cherry? Escaping the Orange clown. “Braxton IS WOKE, Virgil”

Sunday, June 22, 2025

Meditation 356 ~Braxton IS WOKE, Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And I’m far from the one keeping you “awake and alive” In Your Eyes. Where is Braxton?

Easier question. Where is Virgil? You didn’t wake up crying thanks to Braxton and Virgil’s potential stepmom, M Anime. But yes, you did cry a little later. But again, Virgil.

Well, he had breakfast and was in such a rush to get back to “your” room he promptly puked all over the carpet. Eww! “Better out than in, I always say.” But I’m not Shrek.

That’s like saying you aren’t Peter Gabriel. How about Post Malone or Swae Lee as in “Sunflower”? You’re thinking about songs to send, M Anime. Oh! Make sure you add Lonely No More to The Red Sash playlist. You care for her as I did. You knew Braxton for fifteen years. How about M Anime? Longer than Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Spring Break: A Slice of Life Contemporary Harem, Dirk Knight
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 031, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 038 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

This is one reason you’re WOKE. You have a firm grasp of history. If only firmer than that of you “choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying “hi” to (your) monster!” American Beauty? Don’t let MAGA hear you say that… Choking the chicken.

Your best friend is a black woman with a wife. M Anime’s your possible girlfriend and your boys’ potential stepmom, and she’s Puerto Rican, not that it matters to MAGA. And you like Cherry’s big melons, plus she’s English. And you could have a fantasy between M Anime and Cherry because you have nothing against lesbians. Progressive, liberal, leftist, democrat. Whatever! You’re WOKE. You don’t want to be WOKE… Excuse me, you don’t want to be awake. Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING As yet to be determined
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 038, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Yeah, they still aren’t getting done. Hell! How many days have I missed? The 1600th day since Braxton departed. Juneteenth? And here I go, cursing you with one more day down of “Black and White People.” No, my friend, you have woken up today, and much like Ed Sheeran, you can sing out “I See Fire.” All thanks to that orange menace in the White House, Trump. FDT! Eff MAGA! Eff ICE! Eff all the people that continue to allow these atrocities, asinine tragedies, and these a**hole problems. What about you? Whose side you’d take.

If there is something good, “Somewhere Out There,” “Keep careful watch of my brothers’ souls.” Protect “your” women. And as for you? STAY ALIVE!” “STAY WOKE!” Braxton IS WOKE, Virgil

“All my life, I’ve lived by a code, and the code is simple: honor the gods, love your woman, and defend your country.”
Troy (2004)

1603 Days Without B III, Day 1044 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 352 ~Addicts Up, B, V~

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I’ve been addicted to many things in “my” life. My mattress, my mutts (Braxton Barks was purebred). Anyway, there are also melons. But what am I moaning about today? What am I addicted to? FEAR. So my boys rise. Ante Up. “Addicts Up, B, V.”

Wednesday, June 18, 2025

Meditation 352 ~Addicts Up, B, V~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… I called my boys “addicts,” as in druggies. If Braxton and Virgil are addicted to anything, it’s life.

Then why did B III have heart medication when he needed something for his kidneys?

Who knew? It took around $500 for the vets to figure that out. And on Sunday, January 31, 2021, my firstborn son was dead. Addicted to the misery, ain’t I, Inspector. And don’t even get me started on the money. My boys are priceless. But yes, I have been worried about money lately. My fault. But I was talking to B and V’s potential stepmom.

We spoke about feelings, and as always, the one that dominates me when I “Step Into A World” is FEAR. Maybe listening to KRS-One will stop me from screaming, Inspector.

My boy, my Braxton, is dead, euthanized. And then there’s Virgil puking up his meds.

What was it I said yesterday? As Blessid Union of Souls put it, “I Believe” love is the answer. My boys, the beauties in my life, and dammit, will I finish a book! I’m sleepy.

Inspector, I miss energy shots, but I’m still reeling from my last binge. I was taking one a day, and do I really need skull-splitting headaches, the soreness in every part of my body, and the sin of wasting time? Hell! The money would have me quit, Cold Turkey. SIGH.

Inspector, again, that has my stomach doing flip-flops. But while I’m FEARFUL of what’s going on inside my body, what about some online shenanigans. M Anime, she’s the potential stepmom, is worried about Google. Then there’s Norton, ISPs, and updates.

I don’t want to be awake to worry about any of this. I love sleep more than I love success, and that’s why I’m here. Sitting in bed naked because the only thing I succeed in is getting an erection. Ew. “Addicted To Love.” If you want to call it that, Inspector Echo. To her?

M Anime. You’re Goddamn Right! But someone said it doesn’t matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home. So while I’m locked in… “Hopelessly Devoted.”

Between thinking of M Anime and Cherry together… Jane from SeeJaneGoTV showcases her incredible melons. And Jahara Jayde cosplaying as Rikku. I’m a “Creep” Inspector.

Addicted to my boys’ lives, life-givers, and would-be Milfs. My life? Addicts Up, B, V.

1599 Days Without B III, Day 1040 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 351 ~That’s Virgil, B Afraid~

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How dare I? I love my sons. One’s a memory. The other made his way into the house and hasn’t “runnoft,” yet. He runs into the room like he’ll be abandoned. If it weren’t for them, their potential stepmom, and so on. I might… “That’s Virgil, B Afraid”

Tuesday, June 17, 2025

Meditation 351 ~That’s Virgil, B Afraid~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? I don’t love myself, but I love you. What right do I have to love?

Braxton, point blank, period. My firstborn son, B, B III. Shall I continue? Always. Forever.

If I need define love, one word, his name, Braxton. And there you have it. As Kylie Minogue puts it, “Love at First Sight.” Hell, it was probably more for B III than me. Ha!

But Haddaway asks, “What Is Love?” Wrong or right today, here’s what I believe, beloved.

“I believe that love is the answer.” Blessid Union of Souls, seriously? Okay, honestly, love.

Love is the want, need, desire, ability, anything, and everything under the sun in Heaven and Hell to put someone ahead of yourself. I effing hate myself. But Dead or alive, I love Braxton. I love you, our children. And that’s Virgil, B Afraid.

Because I love that little MFer, too. Or at least I slipped up and said so when I figured I would die from embarrassment going to visit B’s Favorite girl and her wifey, she claimed. She claimed? Claim to love. “Life’s a game made for everyone. And love is a prize.”

Personally, I disagree with Avicii and Aloe Blacc. Love is a gift. I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep saying it. If life is a game, then love is the instruction. Have you noticed games no longer come with those booklets? Everything is online. Don’t get me started on that.

Today, all I want to know is how to wake up with peace. That’s me loving me. To have it.

Soft d*ck and clear head.

Not with you, huh… I don’t mean that negatively, mind you. I’m always hot, horny, and hard for you, my love. And you’re always on my mind. This Year’s Love or more. “Sucker For Pain”

More kids jumping on the bed. Virgil is in a household full of kitties. B III being proud of me from Heaven above. God, give me more time, I don’t have to think about myself.

I’d rather it all be about you. You are an obsession; you’re my “Obsession.” And I can deal with being the man I want to be with you. Perverted, protector, maybe even a prince, hm?

“And there, my dear Fio, you make one of Womankind’s greatest mistakes: Falling in love with a man’s potential. We so rarely share the same view of it and even more rarely care to achieve it. Stop pining for the man you think I could be — and take a good, long, hard look at the one I am.”
Darkfever

But I’m a person, a monster who still wonders why and how you might love me. That’s Virgil, B Afraid.

1598 Days Without B III, Day 1039 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 349 ~Down To V, Braxton~

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“Happy Father’s Day.” Braxton never said it, but I felt it. And Virgil? As I was off to have lunch with B’s Fav Gal and her wifey, I let the word love slip. Virgil’s my son, too. But what kind of father am I in that effort. Already Down To V, Braxton

Sunday, June 15, 2025

Meditation 349 ~Down To V, Braxton~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… Happy Father’s Day. But I don’t see an A+, Dad. In fact, I’m all but approaching V.

And you? And U? Your week has only just begun, and what do you have to show for it, hmm? You, me, damn, forty years of predecessors can all sing the tune “We’ve Only Just Begun.” You couldn’t even get it up to eat a cereal bar and have a cup of cappuccino this morning. Do you even have cappuccino? My bad. I was out with B’s Fav Gal yesterday.

Honestly, I built up a lunch with her and her new wifey to be as bad as watching B die.

Yes, “Anxiety,” as Doechii put it. Nothing will ever be as bad as watching Braxton’s… Euthanasia, passing, homegoing? Braxton was home. Or at least that’s something daddies do. Build? A Man Provides… Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Backyard Dungeon 17, Logan Jacobs
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 024, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 031 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

And yet, I was having a hard enough time providing conversation with B’s Fav Gal.

Seriously, the lunch was good. And you have something to eat today. You’re welcome, ha!

How about, you’re welcome to put forth more of an effort. Because you’ll shut your eyes tonight and ask, “Well, how did I get here?” And that hurts more than looking at yourself and all the mean, moronic musings of who you were hours before. Same as it ever was.

Nine hours, to be exact. And don’t forget that at some point today, you have to talk to your Old Man. Will some forty-something so and so ever have to speak to you? Daddy? Braxton?

Kidney failure, fatigue, just effed up. Like Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Spring Break: A Slice of Life Contemporary Harem, Dirk Knight
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 031, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Why not add being the Daddy that Virgil deserves. Before you go off singing, you’re “The Only One For Me” to Braxton and Virgil’s potential stepmom. Why not tell her… Better show her SIGH “I can be the man you need me to be.” Someone you can be proud of.

Because you’re better than the orange that’s sitting in the Oval Office now. Always ‘FDT!”
The Founding Fathers. Eff the “NFFA” New Founding Fathers. Is there a Dad you respect? You feel such and such a way about yours. But you’re sitting here. Effing bum.

Being a father, to have little ones call you ‘Daddy,’ or again, the potential stepmom, M Anime, your 1984 Julia. “Once In A Lifetime,” A+ effort. Down To V, Braxton.

1596 Days Without B III, Day 1037 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 345 ~Don’t B Wasteful Virgil~

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Would I rather have… *Olivier Martinez Impression* 100 MILLION DOLLARS! Or my Braxton alive and well. Virgil’s happiness. And all the promises of their stepmom? How about Jane? What about all the time I’ve wasted in life back? Don’t B Wasteful Virgil

Wednesday, June 11, 2025

Meditation 345 ~Don’t B Wasteful Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… Since the critic wants me to be clearer. In English… I ended Braxton, joined MAGA, and wasted time.

Well, not so much the joining MAGA bit. But we’ll get to that Inspector. It’s still effed up that every time I FEAR everything is breaking away, I have to ask, where is my son.

Braxton’s on the Rainbow Bridge, paradise, a box on the nightstand, and some of his ashes are in an urn pendant. I hope some of him is left in his bed. Have we discovered cloning?

No! Because I’m wasting time, and that leads me to MAGA. Do you remember when Elon Musk, the DOGE effers, and the MAGA asshats were asking for workers to share five accomplishments for the week? I’m not a government employee. Though I identify as a Sith. And, at times, share the Empire’s ideals. Dark Side.

But this isn’t Star Wars; this is real life. My life at forty, and what am I doing, my Inspector?

  1. Mourned my Braxton’s passing.
  2. Seen to Virgil’s needs
  3. Texted B, V’s Stepmom
  4. Blogged and “written” daily
  5. Read two harem novels

When you look at it, it doesn’t sound so bad. Side Note: “I fixed” the laptop’s audio, or so I hope. Anyway, what makes me a horrible human being is that none of the things on this list made me a dime. And that’s what I need more than anything. Not love, lust, a life.

“For The Love Of Money.” Excuse me, Inspector, I got a bit distracted by Jane from “See Jane Go TV. Talk about cannons, melons, yabbos…

And don’t I have my own woman for that? Braxton and Virgil’s potential stepmom, M Anime. See, that’s the other thing that makes me a “Bad Man.” Geez, Inspector, I’m not R. Kelly evil! And nowhere near Trump! And as always, “FDT.” What’s evil, Inspector?

Honestly, what’s done in the love of others is not a waste of time. It depends in a way, hm.

I love my furry boys. Virgil? Again, I consider him Braxton’s Bro. Virgil keeps breathing.

And M Anime? As The Spinners sang “Could It Be I’m Falling In Love.” No moment with her is ever wasted. You ask me, “Could You Be Loved.” By my boys, my Boricua (M Anime), and my books for some bucks. Don’t B Wasteful Virgil

1592 Days Without B III, Day 1033 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 344 ~B A Minute Virgil~

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I’m not a minuteman. No disrespect to the founders. While I’m here, FDT, eff the Jan 6’ers, eff Buzz Windrip and his Minute Men. Eff Article 5’s Moral Militia, and eff the NFFA. I’m a “Sixty Minute Man” for love. And my boys. “B A Minute Virgil”

Tuesday, June 10, 2025

Meditation 344 ~B A Minute Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? I hope you do. Virgil doesn’t. I send him downstairs, but if I don’t follow.

Abandoned. Virgil feels as though I’ve abandoned him. Like father, like son. That’s 2-V, ha.

And he feels that at twenty-eight. Well, four. But in dog years, he’s in his twenties, so he’s, in fact, a man. And what, and I am forty? A man. Your man. Husband, a father.

Honestly, I want to be a Tru Rider… “A strong survivor, a real provider, a Tru Rider, that’s me.” Oh, you know I’ll go get a motorcycle and join up with the “Biker Boyz.” Hm.

And that’s what I feel like. A boy. I was thirty-six and bawling like a baby when I lost my firstborn son, Braxton. It’s been a minute. How many minutes have there been since Sunday, January 31, 2021. Math, baby…

That’s something I leave to you. I would be more than willing to live by Gus Fring’s word, “A Man Provides.” And I would work forever and a day to take care of our family.

There’s no ifs, ands, or buts about that. Being afraid. Every minute, every second. FEAR.

I don’t fear clocks or time. I fear I’m wrong that I’m to blame “The World Is Gonna End Tonight” or in the next five minutes. Do you remember when I told you that’s how I dealt with everything? In five minutes, nothing would matter, and I could let everything go.

“I ain’t got time, leave me alone
Ain’t that much time left
I’ve got to funk you now
Chronomentrophobia”
Chronomentrophobia

“Jeezu,” why can’t one of those things be FEAR? Our sons and daughters, sleep and sex, my love. Those moments, minutes, make me fearless.

And I lie here trying to believe tomorrow will be okay. Staind’s “Outside” is better. Beloved, music makes it better. Or at least I can’t hear everything that terrifies me.

Mornings spent here in our bed, love, reading on harems, humans, hellions, hot S&M sex.

Moaning along with you with every effing filthy, freaky fantasy that we can conjure up. Have I mentioned how much I love you? And that I’m happy you’re mine. Happiness…

Momentarily slip up. Me being happy. Ask me to “Be Not So Fearful.” Finding love.

“Be not so sorry for what you’ve done
You must forget them now; it’s done
And when you wake up, you will find that you can run
Be not so sorry for what you’ve done.”
― Be Not So Fearful

Memories of Braxton guarding me as I lie upon this old mattress. Awake and alive.

Making our children happy. Those are the moments that make me smile. That makes me…

Me. Be A Minute, Virgil.

1591 Days Without B III, Day 1032 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 342 ~Being A B-Student, Virgil~

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It’s only a little wire… I’m no tech guy. It’s only a little streak. What? My gaming streak. The 1000+ days I’ve read. My writing. It’s only a little hard. With B and V’s stepmom, I have an Enormous P… But I’m failing. Being A B-Student, Virgil.

Sunday, June 8, 2025

Meditation 342 ~Being A B-Student, Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And what would you grade yourself this morning? Are you striving for a B? Asking for F’s.

Fido, Effing, Failure. Man, you got plenty. And I know you wish you could stick to the effing. What? The friction in your hand? Not at all. You have plenty of lube. And also, Ew!

Your hands could be of use elsewhere… (Laughs hysterically). I know that’s pretty funny, friend. And speaking of friends, where’s your best one. Braxton’s in a box, a bunch of ash in a pendant, and hopefully barking up a storm in Heaven, the Rainbow Bridge.

Wherever and whatever. I don’t blame B for the Heavens ripping. I blame myself. I told Braxton and Virgil’s potential stepmom, M Anime, that I wanted to be a veterinarian.

But I also wanted to be a virologist or an astronaut. There’s Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING The Long Walk By Stephen King, Written As Richard Bachman
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 017, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 024 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Not that I’m blaming them. But I know you will come this time next week. And since B’s gone, and his little brother Virgil is as strange as the poet. What about all the effing?

That’s one “F” you know far too well. Even as you ask the question like Norah Jones, Don’t Know Why,” I didn’t come. And you think, “I Touch Myself.” The Divinyls, really, bro? But Dear M is that type of woman. You can say the freaky deaky stuff. Filthy words.

And that’s what had you feeling anything but blame today. Blame for what? Yesterday, I was sitting here wanting to watch WWE Money In The Bank. What’s wrong with that?

Beats you. Worry about your O-Face? And Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Backyard Dungeon 17, Logan Jacobs
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 024, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Like fixing said O-Face? I can’t send that video to M Anime. You’re fine, attractive… Somehow, she wants you, but let’s just say Virgil isn’t the only one with a few teeth problems. Having the funds would help both of you. But you’re failing Virgil.

That’s what worries you. Hell, everything has been worrying you since Friday. Don’t look at me. Uh, that’s the whole point of being here. But again, Friday, I was sitting here all fine and dandy, and life said I needed a shot of FEAR. And after that, yesterday nature’s FURY.

Effing ISP! Effing storm! So many effing streaks lost. If you’d been a better student, you’d say I think I like this “Little Life.” That’s Braxton. Being A B-Student, Virgil

1589 Days Without B III, Day 1030 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will