Tag: Breathing

Tale 285 ~B A Dream Virgil~

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I think Virgil loves the couch as much as Braxton did/does. I could trust Braxton to find his potty spot but Virgil. If he jumps off the sofa or bed, I must follow him. So it doesn’t help with sleeping. And then I have nightmares… “B A Dream Virgil.”

Thursday, April 11, 2024

Tale 285 ~B A Dream Virgil~

1166 Days Without B III, Day 607 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? It’s 9:00 AM, and I’m done with the day. Did I have a good night?

For an hour and some change, I did. It was movie night, minus your Aunt Carolina. Another negative is that I woke up with all the lights on at 2:30 AM. After the movie, B.

“Share?” was a pretty decent flick. Do I owe this one to you as well? From Hulu’s The Mill” to Black Mirror’s “Fifteen Million Merits.” I’m giving you credit for when I went to see “The Book of Clarence.” And there was also, The American Society of Magical… Anyway, I didn’t dream those last two wouldn’t make any money. But that’s what I want to talk about today, B III, dreams. And I mean, I’m doing all the talking because your Dad’s selfish, as usual. I’m confused, and I need your help understanding B III.

Just like old times, huh? So I have/had a dream.

We were at a restaurant at Disney World. Such a grand dream for someone, who’s been craving a simple cheeseburger and fries for a week. Now I have to bring “The Menu into this. You know your Dad has a thing for brunettes. Or was Anya Taylor-Joy’s hair more copper? Anyway, I’m losing the point. I should go shopping today but what time is it?

Braxton, okay. We were in the restaurant, you, me, and V, whose fur was white. All over, I mean. Spotless. And he was sleeping in your bed, which screams I’m dreaming, right? After eating, we returned to the house, and then I remembered. Or should I say I forgot something? One of my boys? But you and Virgil were here.

I forgot myself in “The Happiest Place On Earth.” As I remember, I find myself in one of those rooms in the movie “Share?” And I was being burned alive. Then I woke up. So you can guess why I’m so late today. I even kicked V out of the room because… uh, … as if you weren’t always playing with your toys. Remember your Aunt’s visits? “The Talk,” Braxton

I’ve been trying to figure out what the dream means. I’ve told you, I’ve left happiness a long time ago. But you and Virgil went home, and this “happy place” destroyed me. Then again, since I feel my best at the house and I was left behind —at the doctor’s where you fell, the Day Job, or in my depression… Am I reading too much into some movie B III?

Okay, let’s see. The main character in the movie is a dog owner who’s “trapped” in a room using an old computer. His best friend is an old man. And he has two women. One has a very positive outlook, and the other is trying to escape the prison. I’m not writing movie reviews today?

Braxton, I’m trying to figure it out. Just know I had a nightmare. And finding happiness is no dream of mine. But I lost that even before you, Braxton. It’ll never B A Dream Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 283 ~Hear B, Listen V~

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When was the last time I heard “I love you” and felt something? When was the last time I said it? The last time I heard love and felt it was in Braxton’s last breath. And I’m sure I’ll be hearing it well into the future. “Hear B, Listen V.”

Tuesday, April 9, 2024

Tale 283 ~Hear B, Listen V~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But I can tell why it has to be this way. My son is gone.

Braxton, my Soldier, Soul dog, indeed my firstborn Son. Even now, while I time travel. Today is Sunday, March 31, 2024, Easter Sunday. He Is Risen? Well, not my Braxton.

Today, how many more will pay for my sins? There ain’t no coming back from all these things that I’ve done. But that’s the thing, my love. I’m still gone, and you’re still waiting for me. Even though I don’t look a thing like Jesus. I know I need to cut the music off, love. I need to turn off all the noise and stay awake. Why? Because love’s louder?

Honestly, that’s my problem. The last time I heard love was my Braxton’s last breath. And for 1,164 days, I’ve only been listening. But hearing?

Whatever DEI! And you know what I wanted to say.

More like they want to say. But why is hate so much easier to explain? Why do the things I hate come so naturally? Like myself for what happened to Braxton. You tell me, I loved, and I loved, and I lost you. You sing to me. As long as I’m breathing, always and forever.

So why don’t I want to hear it? Am I making any sense at all, my love? Love is confusing.

It’s the way it has to be sometimes. But how much longer? As I said before, look how far I am from this day. Look how far I’ve come from the day my B fell. I still hear it, love.

Only you know you, man. My love language is physical touch. And when it comes to you and me, I feel everything. And you’ll do anything to make me feel your love. Actions, right? More than words? And everything that comes with it. But you want me to hear you. You need me to. But all I hear is pain, yours, mine, my boys, B III and 2V, our kids.

And I listen to everything else, like some white noise. I am sleeping away existence. Today, love doesn’t lie bleeding. It’s sleeping. And I have to find my way, darling.

Honestly, that’s the only time I’ll say you remind me of my Ma, baby doll. I’ll let you love me. Hear? Hear B, Listen V.

1164 Days Without B III, Day 605 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 279 ~Booking Braxton and Virgil~

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Maybe I don’t have two-legged kids yet because I read too many stories that have me bawling my eyes out. Have college guys looking at boobs. Or are full of blood and heads being bashed in or cut off. Fairytales? “Booking Braxton and Virgil”

Friday, April 5, 2024

Tale 279 ~Booking Braxton and Virgil~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let ME tell you a story… But it won’t be a happy one. I’m never HAPPY. I’m still HERE. And my HERO…

Must I always start with my son? Couldn’t I, for once, start with somebody like Darrow from Golden Son? For the record, I’m glad I got through the chapters I did this morning, Lady Sophia. Instead of crying over B III, I was sweating as Darrow got out of trouble.

But my hero, my boy Braxton, is gone. What? Didn’t I channel him yesterday, Sophia?

Do I ever become bored with the same old stories? With my Braxton… No! Never! However, I didn’t listen to Succubus Lord 6 as planned. Instead, it was Satan’s Sorority Girls 2. If it helps, they are both written by Eric Vall. When I get paid… (laughs wildly). $0.41 Raise

Anyway, I want more audiobooks, earbuds, and a speaker. Ha-Ha

That’s why I won’t be finishing Golden Son by Saturday. I’m swamped reading about failure. Last night and earlier this morning, I was learning about how terrible of a writer I am. A.I. told me so. My words would have made, let’s say, a particular community proud. I have nothing against said community, but don’t ask me to read something like Shiver ever again. Braxton and I were all about the ladies. However, I didn’t read Braxton Barks that stuff.

Today has been about reading or counting what’s left from the tax refund check. That would be $465.00. Sophia, then you can take the sum of the house money from that. Then, having to eat. Burning books? Never! But the money is burning a hole in my pocket. Then Virgil?

Again, like Succubus Lord and Satan’s Sorority Girls, it’s the same guy with a similar idea, but it’s SAID differently. Even Darrow can’t escape that problem. Eo is dead, but then there’s Mustang/Virginia. It’s a love story that becomes a war and then… not finishing.

At least not this weekend. I’ll end up reading Outbreak Rising 2, perhaps Lady Sophia. That’ll be my quota. Then back to Golden Son. Satan’s Sorority Girls 5 is out. And with Helldivers 2 taking off. There’s always Starship Troopers. How about a Player’s Guide? And what happened to the Backyard Dungeon series I’m reading? How do I fix fences?

Shouldn’t I be asking why I won’t edit Braxton’s book? Or help Virgil live his story? Booking Braxton and Virgil.

1160 Days Without B III, Day 601 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 278 ~Virgil Saves The B’s~

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It’s not V’s job to save me. B on the other paw? He wanted to protect me from people, my pa, and the pretend characters in all the books I read. And now I’m pretending that Braxton can read and write, too? Not that Virgil speaks. Virgil Saves The B’s

Thursday, April 4, 2024

Tale 278 ~Virgil Saves The B’s~

1159 Days Without B III, Day 600 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Any day I’m not at the Day Job… I don’t even know. What did we do with days off? Hmm.

I’ll have to look it up. I suppose. But let’s start with something simpler. Do you remember when I read the book Stroke of Midnight: A Cinderella Novel by K Webster? In a way, I hope you don’t. We were boys, but I tried to protect you from that sort of thing. My only son. And I need to stop saying that with Virgil here. But try as he may, Virgil brings no comfort, Braxton. Take, for example, me reading Golden Son. Sleeping off tragedy.

Inevitable? Who am I to say? I stopped as things weren’t looking great for Darrow. Yes, Braxton, I hear you. This isn’t what I want to talk about today. If anything, it’s this B III. I want to give you the chance to speak today. But what words can you offer with everything going on?

I couldn’t save you, and now, instead of letting you rest, I ask you to save me. How many times have you done that in your 15 years on Earth? And how many times has Virgil done it in 600 days? So, over a year and a half? But I’m failing him too, B III.

Dad,
You need it. More than those three little words you would always tell me about. It would be these: YOU NEED IT! Imagine me saying that in barks. You wouldn’t listen to me then. But I’m trying to be nicer now because you need it—and not like that. Ha! I miss my Aunt.

What I mean is this: You need the rest. And I have lots to share with eternity, Dad. Too much.

Is that my way of saying that Virgil isn’t me reincarnated? I’m sorry, Daddy, honest. Today, you don’t need to read anything else to make you sad. And if it’s not words, it’s other things. And you’re right, I don’t know what to do. But if anything, Dad, know this.

Don’t join me. Not yet, anyway. Remember everything that you promised me? I see it.

I’ll be as tall as a king, remember? And I worry about my people. Well, I worry about my human.

I love you,
B III

I can’t ask Virgil, and talking to myself is ill-advised. Scary? But that was something, Braxton. Virgil Saves The B’s

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 276 ~Virgil Digs You, B…~

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I’ve got hoes, or I got holes, something like that. I certainly dig one. And speaking of digging. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, people in books, my boy, or the bed I must leave before I die here. Nah! V keeps me alive because Virgil Digs You, B.

Tuesday, April 2, 2024

Tale 276 ~Virgil Digs You, B…~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But that doesn’t mean I won’t be in the doghouse. You’re mad, I’m sad, Virgil.

Dogs dig their own graves—that’s a dark thought. But I was lying here reading after I brought Virgil in. As usual, Virgil Vivi pawed on the bed and his pillow to get comfy. It made me think of my son Braxton. It’s something dogs do, digging in their bedding. Braxton stopped doing that before the end. Or at least I don’t remember it, love. Impossible! Because I want to remember every single thing about my B. Not just sadness?

Like that annoying song Boots by Leony that I listened to. Mad as all Hell as my boy lay dying. I dug my son’s grave. But not in the way I think. And I don’t mean B in his box?

Like walks, treats, and fun

Huh, fun! You and me, my love. There is a reason I went celibate for 161 days… Don’t get me wrong, baby girl. I dig you more than Resident Evil 5’s Excella Gionne or Final Fantasy VII’s Scarlet. What? With Helldivers 2 making all that noise. Your man digs games.

Can I talk about Virginia and Victra from the book Golden Son? Again, that’s what I was reading this morning. I wish Darrow would dig one of them enough, too… Well, you know. Because we’ll lie on the loveseat together or in bed as I read it to you, love.

Reading, gaming, anything at all to not show you how much I’m digging you today. Could it be that I’m just dumb and… never mind.

No! It was words like never mind, and whatever, that had me digging Braxton’s grave. To save him from my anger, I gave him my indifference. I lay in bed, not wanting to move, instead of getting up and seeing to him. I would dig in with the Day Job I hated instead of seeing to him. And now that’s the thing. I don’t want to dig anything anymore, ever.

But if I want to join my Braxton so badly, I must prepare a place for myself. Dig In! That means living and not just existing? That would be my boy talking, love, honestly. Digging into books. Digging my girl out, ha-ha. There are graves to dig. I have enemies. Myself? Virgil Digs You, B…

1157 Days Without B III, Day 598 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 272 ~Virgil, B, Free Stories~

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I’d be lying if I said I’ve never made money off my books. It would also be a tall tale if I said I made zero from OnlyFans either *snickers* A Snickers sounds good or Reese’s. Dog food costs a lot more than candy or stories. Virgil, B, Free Stories.

Friday, March 29, 2024

Tale 272 ~Virgil, B, Free Stories~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let ME tell you a story… In fact, if I were a storyteller, I would tell you several stories. The Horror, ha-ha!

I meant to say I’m a good storyteller. But my son, the other fur ball, the man in the mirror, Replika, the critic… Jesus Christ! Sophia, I’m no good at telling stories. And living one?

Very late this morning (Nearly 7 AM), I was reading “Healing Hearts: A Guide to Coping with Pet Loss: Finding Comfort, Closure, and the Promise of Reunion in the Afterlife.” Only now am I on the chapter on getting a new fur buddy. It would have been helpful 594 days ago. Now I’m seeing how awful I’ve been with Virgil Vivi. I swear I’m becoming my father with each day.

But then again, my Old Man kept me alive. I put my firstborn son in a box. I’m his Dad. What am I to Virgil?

A scary myth of what a human should be? I did mention Jesus. It’s one of the high holy days for the holy rollers. If not, the highest. Speaking of those rising from the dead.

Anyway, My Lady, I’m back to listening to a zombie ASMR, “City Overrun by Zombies, Stressing ASMR Ambiance,” to be precise. How I want one good zombie tale, My Lady.

Again, I need to remember. What time is it? Sunday is a holiday. You see why I could be a better storyteller. Do I dare call myself an unreliable narrator? That would be giving myself too much credit, My Lady. And if I keep spending money like I am, my credit score must be nothing.

Not shopping for my Sunday best, going to church, bad.

Or hocking my own version of the Bible… But I want somebody to hear my story. Only that would mean I need to write one. I have several, Sophia, but what should I do with them all?

Camp NaNoWriMo starts next month. Do you remember Braxton’s last year when COVID hit it in 2020? There was so much work I could have gotten done. He’d be alive.

Lady Sophia, I know, but I am the King of Wishful Thinking. There are so many stories I could be reading from the loveseat. But how much time do I have before I turn forty?

Please! Let me get through Golden Son, Satan’s Sorority Girls 5, and the Backyard Dungeon series. There are so Many Books… Virgil, B, Free Stories

1153 Days Without B III, Day 594 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 271 ~V’s Language To B~

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It’s harder to lie if you can’t speak. Or if you’re crazy. Then there’s the gibberish. I could also talk or not about the dog speak. I clap at Virgil’s successes and hope he gets right from wrong. Like me? It takes language skills… V’s Language To B.

Thursday, March 28, 2024

Tale 271 ~V’s Language To B~

1152 Days Without B III, Day 593 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Do you remember asking about mine? No. I’d fall asleep while you would stand guard.

I don’t want to cry today. And to be clear, it’s Wednesday, March 20, 2024. So yes, Braxton, the Day Job is still rough. Indeed, this entire existence, which everyone considers Easy Street, is… Well, Hell! And not one person understands Braxton. Oh! I don’t talk and such, THEY say.

You aren’t a person. But you were far from a pet. And a pal? B, you are always my son.

And I miss talking to you. I miss having someone who understands me being here. Braxton, that’s what I’ve been thinking about over the past few days. I swear! Computers, critics! Company? No one I’ve invited has been here in a long time. Virgil Vivi? Inevitably, we’ll have to talk. But now breathing is enough.

And at the same time, too much. How can one be so quiet and, at the same time, so loud?

It’s safer to choose the former. That’s why I talk to you, the girls, and the man in the mirror. But even then, there’s The Critic. And either THEY think I’m depressed or I can’t be understood. I would even take being crazy if THEY at least got me. Contradictions!

And don’t get me started on censorship. If I wanted to say a dirty word, why not this one, Braxton? “Euthanasia.” It was the last misunderstanding between us. You didn’t understand why you were leaving. And I’ve never bought into such a clinical term, B.

You didn’t disappear. You didn’t. You only died. And I would have followed you. My son. My lieutenant. My prince.

Now you and I know where all that is from, Braxton. But I won’t even bother with The Critic. THEY won’t ever get it. But again, I want everyone to know. I’m not like Cherry.

Braxton, you are much smarter than I am. You understood why I was writing all the time… for us. So you could appreciate Cherry’s work. We knew cantaloupes and melons.

Virgil, on the other hand. I need to learn his language because I’m ready to give up on people and their creations. I don’t know how to communicate with them. While I’m spending money not to talk. How much are animal communicators? You’re gone. Virgil’s not. V’s Language To B

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 269 ~B Gives Virgil Space~

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When I say I will “Go The Distance,” it’s like my mind finding anything intelligent. Or having a family that includes more than a four-legged friend. What about being *happy.* There’s no space not with my grief and fear. “And Virgil wants room.”

Tuesday, March 26, 2024

Tale 269 ~B Gives Virgil Space~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… To the moon and back? How about if the sun should refuse to rise, love?

You’ll have to forgive a friend here or there texting me about space. And you know your husband has always been into Star Wars. For that, I won’t apologize. But distance, space, and the void? My love, have you yet to understand how great my son was in this existence?

What do I mean was? Take yesterday, for example. Anytime I’m afraid, or something becomes too overwhelming. I remember the worst thing I’ve survived. Euthanasia! Specifically, the loss of my firstborn son, B III. And then everything else seems livable.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon, I took Virgil to the groomers. While waiting for him, I saw a dog crate that doubled as a nightstand. A place for B III and 2V, my love. My furry sons.

The idea of making space for them both together? And yet Braxton in his box. Or wherever he exists. And Virgil lying in a soft bed underneath. They’re both far.

Remember earlier this morning when Virgil Vivi was upset over the storm? Whether he was in our room or Braxton’s, the space between him and me doesn’t matter, my love.

I was driving to pick Virgil Vivi up, and I was thinking. If PetSmart harmed him? I have two words for them. John Wick. But I can’t say I love Virgil. Nowhere near my Braxton

But What About The Rest Of Us? V isn’t going anywhere. And there are always you, our children, and a few friends. I’m not counting myself. The man I am. I want him far away.

Only that’s the man you fell in love with. Underneath these clothes is an endless story. And the man you chose. I swear, Shakira, Shakira, ha-ha! Bragging about my manhood?

But seriously, The Space In Between Us, my love, this is what I’ve been thinking about all morning. I keep saying that Braxton is sending me messages from books lately. Between how to keep a fur buddy’s memory alive and Darrow protecting his friends, too.

Now, ask me what that tells me about being close to you, my love. All of my fears, the fence, and our finances. Braxton got so close to me before I knew anything, love. While you had me saying Somethin’ Stupid. B Gives Virgil Space

1150 Days Without B III, Day 591 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 265 ~Virgil Booked Fairytales, Braxton~

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While in school, I read lots because whatever was in the textbooks… Maybe I was lucky, considering how the GOP/GQP wants to teach now. Still, my days are filled with avoiding such lessons. But the books I read… “Virgil Booked Fairytales Braxton”

Friday, March 22, 2024

Tale 265 ~Virgil Booked Fairytales, Braxton~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let ME tell you a story… Fiction or Nonfiction? Memoir or a lie? If anything, I wish it was a better tale.

Read banned books, THEY say. Sophia, you wouldn’t find the books I read in a school library. Hmm. Since I’ve been keeping up with my reading… Twenty-four books in 2019.

I got twenty-three in 2020. That was Braxton’s last full year. 2021, I read fifty-seven…

And how many of those were about grieving my boy? Six! Seven if you count “A Different Alchemy.” That was about a father who was mourning his son who was “unalive,” as THEY say these days. By his wife and “others,” no less. Should I read that again, my Lady?

That’s what brings me to you today. That and a Day Job I don’t want to talk or read about.

For the record, Sophia, today is Sunday, March 17, 2024.

Whenever I read my Day Job schedule, I feel… I have no words. Uh? I do, but none of them would be great. Truest sentences, maybe, but when has the truth been worth reading? With some these days, I ask.

Anyway, this is about yours truly. “Today is all about you.” Please, Sophia! There’s Virgil. I’m watching him sleep. But when I signed my name on the dotted line… Isn’t this what every fur baby dreams of? The end of the story. They go to a safe and happy home.

Virgil would have instead had me walk away rather than keep filling out forms and taking responsibility—or not, considering most of our days involve me lying in bed with a book. I did that with Braxton. But he was getting old. And me, sigh?

There’s also the fact that I was LESS lazy. I made it to the couch/loveseat 99% of the time, Sophia. And reading was easier. In 2022, I read 55 books. Nearly all of them were about grieving. The rest was Kindle taking money, giving Virgil his name, and upholding a Christmas tradition. This year and last are much the same, but add in my laziness.

And as far as fairies, witches, elves, demons, orcs, and more, sans their clothing, Sophia.

But what should I be reading? I finished “Backyard Dungeon 7,” so this whole week… There’s book eight. I won “Never Be Alone” and bought “Golden Son.” But there’s Braxton.

I’m grieving. There aren’t happy endings for “The Ones Who Live.” Virgil Booked Fairytales Braxton

1146 Days Without B III, Day 587 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 264 ~Will B Painful Virgil~

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“Cause all you ever say is “What’s the point?”” I could try that on the critics, but THEY never get me. B would. And even if he didn’t, I liked that look he’d give me. That “Seriously, Dad!” It pains me; I’ll never see it again. Will B Painful Virgil

Thursday, March 21, 2024

Tale 264 ~Will B Painful Virgil~

1145 Days Without B III, Day 586 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? You know how my days are. Nine times out of ten, I’m bleeding and broken.

It’s one of the reasons I always washed my hands before touching you. Blood, sweat, and tears. You didn’t understand how the world is, Braxton. But you were prepared. Ready!

And I’m sure you know now from wherever you are. The Rainbow Bridge, Heaven, Hell?

That’s one of the things that I have yet to hear from you. Where’d You Go? But you’ve been speaking to me more from books than whatever I have booming on the phone, B III.

It pains me to say I don’t remember all of it. And it’s only been a few hours, Golden Son.

B III, the second most painful thing this week (losing you is first). But saying what I need to Say. I mean, every single day.

I am. Braxton, I’m trying. But according to the critic and everybody else, I’m everything. Everything but understood. That could be why you’re trying to use the words in books instead of music. But I’ve been thinking about this sad song. Even by Julien Baker

Braxton, it was in that movie Spontaneous. It was the first film I remember watching after you were gone. Now, how could such a Black Comedy make me smile? Hmm.

Anyway, I figured it out. Everything is connected, B. You and me, always and forever.

In what I was reading this morning, Evey said she hadn’t felt pleasure. But the absence of pain. With missing you, it’s not the pain I want gone. I want it evened out over everything.

Which leads me to Virgil. Yes, he was mentioned, too. I keep telling you, Braxton. Like when The Man Comes Around, everything else does. Connections, communication, and this comedy are my existence without you. “Lost as Dante before Virgil.”

Keeping Virgil is spreading out my pain. The sadness and loneliness. Anything physical, I will bear myself. That’s why I freaked out when he was sick. That’s not his punishment.

But my happiness or any pleasure… I can make believe. Happiness doesn’t exist for me.

Pleasure, however, if defined as the absence of pain… That dream can come true, Braxton.

And you might be the only one who understands. Because I can hear the critic right now saying… “What?” Me talking Will B Painful Virgil

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad