Tag: Trust

Meditation 310 ~Virgil Doesn’t Eat B’s~

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One more day, I haven’t been humiliated… Uh, fact-to-face. I’m sure somebody in their car wondered if I had any control over Virgil. That’s why we go out early before everything gets busy, like the bees. Or M Anime’s dreams. “Virgil Doesn’t Eat B’s.”

Wednesday, May 7, 2025

Meditation 310 ~Virgil Doesn’t Eat B’s~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… Not to mention humiliated. But according to all the motivational speeches I listen to. Let’s begin with gratitude.

Virgil woke up alive and well, and we went for a walk. And he has had his breakfast. The only “adult entertainment” I’ve consumed was reading about Eddie and Ibseth from “Backyard Dungeon 17.” Oh, speaking of dungeons, the back fence hasn’t fallen. Not yet.

So that’s the good news. As long as I stay off social media, I should be fine. Uh, the phone?

To think Samsung had problems. Like the song plays, “I got 99 problems but a…”

Anyway, I owe Braxton’s favorite girl a birthday present, his grandma a hello, and his stepmom an apology. Didn’t I say something about adult entertainment? Also, I’d stop calling M Anime, Braxton, and Virgil’s stepmom. SIGH. “She drives me crazy, and I can’t help myself.”

While finishing the “Backyard Dungeon 17” sample, I got antsy about M Anime… Her latest nightmare, I mean. So, I was busy copying it to read on my Kindle. What, I need free books? Always. I haven’t had any… Uh, self-fulfillment in three days. Her dreams/short stories will do it.

And as I told her, my dreams are pretty dull by comparison. She has General Xu, Associate, and The Boss. I swear, I’ve never been one for reverse harem romances.

Inspector, my dreams have been dull, and my stories, if disgusting, are the same. Writing. It doesn’t pay, not yet. And I haven’t been dreaming about my boys. I’m giving Braxton a break to play on the Rainbow Bridge. And Virgil is very much alive.

So it’s great he doesn’t eat bees or anything like that. Because I couldn’t afford to save him. Life is telling me that. My dreams share that sentiment. The last one I remember was something out of World War Z. The crappy movie. It was that scene where the girl rattled off the code to Brad Pitt to get into a room full of viruses. But I was saying my locker combo at my Day Job, which feels the same. Can’t I do anything original, Inspector Echo? V can’t eat the ABCs. And I’m living off of pizza rolls until payday. After last week, ha!

As Paramore put it, Hard Times. No cash, thinking of Yabbos, or walking going nowhere. Thankfully. Virgil Doesn’t Eat B’s

1557 Days Without B III, Day 998 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 309 ~Virgil’s B In Language~

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I tell B I love him every day. But I don’t know about the reception on the Rainbow Bridge. I tell V, “Later.” I tell him I’ll be back and that he’s staying. I rescued him. And they’re potential stepmom. What I said to her. Virgil’s B In Language

Tuesday, May 6, 2025

Meditation 309 ~Virgil’s B In Language~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? But as Snow Patrol sings, “Those three words are said too much. They’re not enough.”

How do I know? Despite how much my Old Man paid my way, I hate him. My firstborn son, Braxton, died. And I could say it to my secondborn son, Virgil. But I hate lying.

Always and forever, there’s you, my love. There is the family we created together. And you know me, a beast with a beat. “Havin’ my baby. What a lovely way of sayin’ how much you love me.” That’s all you because I highly doubt Braxton would send me such a song. If he were here today, his four little legs would run circles around his two-legged siblings to keep them safe. Virgil would be quieter than them, easy. Long story.

Love can be quiet or loud. It’s a difficult language.

And since I’m reminiscing about people, places, and even pieces of myself I hate. LEARN.

I’m constantly having to relearn how to love myself. Love, I am The Walking Dead. However, I’m not saying that because today is Sunday, May 4, 2025. So we both know, um, Tuesday, May 6, 2025, is going to suck. Oh, we’ll get to the sucking. Uh, ew. Uh, lovers.

Watch my mouth? Again, we’ll get to that. I say the most horrible things, and we’re not a religious household. But love, Jesus had it easy. If we skip the torture, he just died, love.

My Ma would say he died to save us. And I live? Not because I particularly care to do so. That’s my love language. STAYING.

Again, from a biblical context, Jesus came back. God is love. Dog is love, and my B III, “I said he doesn’t look a thing like Jesus,” as The Killers put it. However, “My Goddess.”

Um. Did we put the kids to bed four-legged, two-legged, and all? Okay, dearest love.

Purely in a Shakespearean meets The Pretty Reckless type of way, “You make me wanna die.” Hear me out, my love. My grief brings me closer to my son, B. Not really, but that’s what I’m going with. Being with you brings me closer in a way to dying. Seriously? Neither of us is Rihanna, but “Sex with Me,” sex with you, I tell myself, “I guess I die another day.” Virgil’s B In Language.

“I think I’ll find another way
There’s so much more to know
I guess I’ll die another day
It’s not my time to go

For every sin, I’ll have to pay
I’ve come to work, I’ve come to play
I think I’ll find another way
It’s not my time to go.”
Die Another Day

1556 Days Without B III, Day 997 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 308 ~Will It B Complicated~

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If I looked at myself the way Braxton did, loving myself would be a breeze. Speaking of a breeze, Virgil and I were burning up in the heat. He looked at me with faith that I’d save us. But with no money because of the Day Job. “Will It B Complicated”

Monday, May 5, 2025

Meditation 308 ~Will It B Complicated~

Hey Dad,
It’s Me, Baby B… And you already know the answer. Why do you think I constantly barked at the gate? Because life is…

What? I would watch you come and go for fifteen years. Twenty because I’m here. Somehow, someway, “I’m Still Here” and “I’m Real.” Seriously, Treasure Planet and J-Lo. Movies and music are how I can always reach you. I’m forever with you, even today, right?

It’s Saturday, May 3, 2025. Time moves ever so much faster for me and my brother and slower for you. And yet Virgil is content as I was/am. Humans tend to make things so “Complicated.” So, what? Am I here to play Merlin to my king? You keep calling me.

Daddy, Rohan will answer. We are such geeks, you and I. Do you see how easy it was to put a smile on your face? The bad place is complicated.

And that is why we’re talking today. Because the humans in the bad place are going to make you mad. And if you could only live life… Not existence, but live life as you are. Little 2 V is at your side, and we’re talking. I spent days with you typing on the glow box.

Speaking of the glow box, there were all the nights with you and my favorite girl watching it. And there were plenty of snacks. Daddy, how you’d smile and laugh. Honestly, I didn’t know you could be like that. But Virgil has only seen it once. But it’s not complicated at all, Dad, to give Virgil those types of moments. V has plenty of chances.

Because life is… It’s yours.

The world is yours. Like in Scarface. Not quite my father. Leave that to the manuscripts that you will publish, the movies you’ll make, and the embodiment of the man I know you to be. It doesn’t have to be complicated, Dad. Just be as you are, my father, always.

Brave, Joyful, dare I say Happy. Dad, you said you would come back. That promise? Daddy, that was one you never broke. And the reason you haven’t followed me here. Because of my little brother, my favorite girl, Cherry’s yabbos… I liked my favorite girl’s.

M Anime, mine, and Virgil’s stepmom. You keep saying stop calling her that. But love? Daddy, it’s not complicated. Life is… life itself. You’ll love yourself. Will It B Complicated.

“I so wanted (him) to feel the happiness that I felt whenever we touched each other, but people are more complicated creatures than dogs.”
― A Dog’s Journey: A Novel

“It is easy to go down into Hell; night and day, the gates of dark Death stand wide; but to climb back again, to retrace one’s steps to the upper air – there’s the rub, the task.”
― From Virgil

1555 Days Without B III, Day 996 of Virgil’s Arrival

Always and Forever,
Your Son

Meditation 306 ~That’ll B Elysium, Virgil~

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I’m sure Virgil was asking this morning, Where are we going, Dad? From one end of the street to the other and back again. And as far as writing… Did M Anime have another “nightmare?” Reading and writing in a warm bed. Lazy? That’ll B Elysium, Virgil.

Saturday, May 3, 2025

Meditation 306 ~That’ll B Elysium, Virgil~

Hey, Lady Lu,
I am a Billionaire right now… But the last time I checked, treadmills didn’t cost that much. Neither did grassy potty spots.

I’m surprised my boys don’t hate me. Braxton crossed the rainbow bridge. And rests in Elysium or someplace. And Virgil, at the moment, is content to be warm and dry. It’s what you get when you wake up on time and decide to take a walk in the rain. A$$hole?

Seriously, Lady Lunalesca, “It’s me, hi. I’m the problem, it’s me.” As I said, I woke up on time, but I’m still running somewhat late. What have I done, “living life like a bum” like I am, Luna? I finished “Backyard Dungeon 16” and started “Into The Wild Shadow Work Journal.” The sign of a good woman is that she makes you want to do better. B and V’s stepmom.

Lunalesca, that’s not M Anime.

And it definitely wasn’t how I thought about building a paradise with her yesterday. I talk a lot about wanting a family, and that would be my two boys. It would be Braxton’s favorite girl, who is like my sister… Uh, she’s better… And what about the two people paying the majority of my bills? My Olds. I’m a forty-year-old man. And I’d rather not think about it. Dear Lu.

I’m not crying. Let’s say that this is only leftover rain from when I took V outside, and I think for a moment, even he forgot about it. No people, no nothing. That’s bliss. Nothingness.

“I want everything, or nothing at all,” as Goodfellaz sang. Life or death, victory or defeat, Lunalesca. It’s the in-between…

It’s remembering how I was/am a good father to Braxton and trying to replicate that. Only there’s this little thing called mourning STANDING in the way. B III’s song choices.

“I wish I could say the right words
To lead you through this land
Wish I could play the father
And take you by the hand
Wish I could stay here
But now I understand
I am standing in the way.”
― Rupert Edmund Giles

There are those moments when I’m reading or fiddling with the phone when I forget everything. I can be Jacob, Eddie, or Cole in many different harems. The hero. Honestly, what game am I playing next? But then it ends, and I’m right back here. And I wonder what this place is. Like I said Friday, I was rewriting in the buff, M Anime’s Nightmare.

Cries Come Women, Come Country… Her “Hell” I want to make into a paradise. Luna?

No one can go there. There’s here and now. Poor Virgil. That’ll B Elysium, Virgil.

1553 Days Without B III, Day 994 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 303 ~Braxton, Virgil, Have WRITES~

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“Now, did you read the news today?” Sorry, but no. The Genesis of America is that things get worse. Modernized but worse. It leads to a friend’s bad dreams. But we compared ourselves to Winston and Julia. Classic reading. Braxton, Virgil, Have WRITES

Wednesday, April 30, 2025

Meditation 303 ~Braxton, Virgil, Have WRITES~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… Though I woke up this morning, uh, not feeling that way. Not good, not bad. Super, super (super!)

Listen to the song “Teen Idle,” and you’ll get it. But who knows? Maybe you won’t. It’s the same thing with my writing. And didn’t I tell myself I was going to be positive today?

What can I say? Old habits die hard. I have a thing for sisters in pigtails and bikinis. Uh, Ew! And then there are the rules. My rules. Do you remember, Dear Madam Justice, Echo?

Do you remember Rule Fifteen, I Take My Own Lumps? ONE of the things that rule means is that I take responsibility and accountability, and pay my own way. Big bill? Inspector, yes, it was a VERY big bill that I handled. If I take care of myself, Braxton, and Virgil, “we gon’ be alright.”

But Braxton isn’t alright. He lives in books now, Inspector. I’m trying to remain positive. And I also read that I went a week without any self-fulfillment. Sisters, Pigtails, Bikinis…

“I’m sorry, I just need one minute to make sure I look good. Do you think I look good, Mr. Armstrong?” ― The Cleveland Show

Yes, my dear Echo, that’s all it took to break me. But I did enjoy my streak while it lasted. And Virgil was already in Braxton’s room. I swear he’s communing with B III’s spirit.

Meanwhile, I’d usually be drooling over pictures of Cherry’s Yabbos or the confession she wrote once upon a time. And speaking of writing, Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom has been doing plenty of that lately. Again, I shouldn’t be calling M Anime the stepmom. But um…

Inspector, I swear M Anime is trying to send me a message through her writing.

So yeah, you are not Lady Sophia. I leave books and edits to her. But M Anime first wrote about a fictional first time in a brothel. That led to “Nightmare At The Meat Market.” She asked about Cherry’s sexual characterizations, and so I shared “The Eve of A Cherry.”

With that, she told me about another dream. Sex? Xu? “Cries Come Women, Come Country.” And most recently, she shared her “dream” of her and The Associate having sex. Wow!

So what does it mean when a woman is having “Sexxx Dreams” and compares her partners to you? Book boyfriend material? Anyway, as long as I ignore the news, I’m reading plenty of good things. Erotic books, bills paid, streak before… Braxton, Virgil, Have WRITES

1550 Days Without B III, Day 991 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 302 ~Room After B, Virgil~

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To be a man and a Dad, one must “Make Room, Make Room!” I don’t know if B has only taken up more space since his death or if there is so little left of me. V needs space, too. And yet I step forward only to ask myself. Where to? Room After B, Virgil.

Tuesday, April 29, 2025

Meditation 302 ~Room After B, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? Every little step I take, you will be there. But I’m not Bobby Brown. I’m…

That’s the thing, my love. I want to say, “All Yours.” But I’m not one to shy away from the truth. And while I’m constantly asking myself where I am going, It’s where I am.

“Where you gonna go, where you gonna run, where you gonna hide? Nowhere… ’cause there’s no one like you left.” — Carol Malone, Body Snatchers (1993)

Darling, I have never left the last place I saw my boy on Sunday, January 31, 2021. There was Braxton, in his own bed on a vet’s table, looking at me to do something, save him, or spare him any more pain. My boy wanted to stay. And since he couldn’t, I have. That is the truth. It could be a new definition of love. At its most simplistic, love means you before me. By that logic, I do love Virgil, too. But the concept that one would only stay.

Baby Doll, I could give you a whole playlist on that “Stay With Me” “If I lay here. If I just lay here. Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” “We were made to never fall away.” You can thank B for that last one. “You’re coming back for me.” Damn right!

However, this is the rub. How can I return to a place that I have never left? Where am I?

We are in a dream. I still see us on a beach somewhere. Our two-legged kids ran along in the sand and waves. Little Braxton pulled with all his might to keep them from the water. And you are pulling me and trying to get me to join you. Where?

Again, I don’t know. A man is supposed to lead, but I would rather follow my boy or have you, my love, follow my rules. One of those reasons is “chains and whips excite me,” ha-ha! You know how I’ve been feeling about money these days. Building our “Red Room.”

More like I wanted to “Paint It Black.” Like all the ink along the pages of the books I write. I read something last night and to see the dark lusts, depravity, and desires. Love? Honestly, it could go either way. Let’s say all the dark places in women that men yearn to go, my love. Because with you, at least, I’m moving forward in a Kama Sutra way, baby.

Love? Room After B, Virgil.

Even if you leave this room, you can never leave this room.
— from 1408 (2007)

1549 Days Without B III, Day 990 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 301 ~There’ll B Time, Dad~

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I’ve sat in bed more times than I can count, wishing for the end. I tell myself the world will end in five minutes, and nothing else will matter. But B died, I go broke, and in my head are four book ideas. There’s no time. “There’ll B Time, Dad”

Monday, April 28, 2025

Meditation 301 ~There’ll B Time, Dad~

Hey Dad,
It’s Me, Baby B… “And it’s not too late. It’s Never Too Late.” To what, hear the truth. Neither of us wants that.

“Should I say it out loud?

Yeah, I should. You can’t heal something unless you’re brave enough to say it out loud.

I’m scared, though. I’m scared to say it… which is why I have to.

Say the thing you’re afraid to say. I can help you. Say it out loud, no matter what it is, no matter how bad. I promise, I will help”
― The Last of Us

We’re not Republicans. We’re not MAGA, my father. You’re not screaming, “I don’t want reality.” Dad, you’re brave enough to face reality, risk, and the real. And what is that?

Well, if you’re going to be stuck in the past. Listen to me, Dad. Why can’t we be stuck together in those car rides listening to ROCK music? However, I would prefer you weren’t listening to this particular song from Three Days Grace, “Never Too Late.” Seriously, Daddy, I was so young; one or two when that came out. I hated car rides, not music.

Speaking of which, I remember when you came back, not from the bad place but somewhere you would write without me. I want to see you like that again, Daddy.

Because there will always be time to be sad, scared, to sing of “The Cursed Earth.” But to remember my little brother Virgil. Not your other son, but your son. When you and he walked along the same path we once did, before I got old, fat, and sassy. How I miss those fried stick thingies you would buy. Those days, my grandma would bring a lot of food. Or when you’d say, “Well, it’s E-Day.” And you’d be sad, but lobster and steak, Daddy. Honestly, why do you think I love my favorite girl so much? Yes, she had big, soft yabbos she’d let me lie on, but she also shared plenty of good things. Like my Dad being…

Happy? Now, that wasn’t you.

But there’s time, Dad. And that’s what has been bothering you for months. There is no time to make money. The Day Job, writing, and anything else you could imagine.

Honestly, you’ve been reliving the moment you would never see me again. B free indeed. But isn’t it time to be free of all that frightens you, of the very concept of fear, the fiend?

Because that is not my father in the mirror, but the man before my eyes, who lives by three words when it comes to me, Whatever It Takes. You will see me again, Daddy. Believe.

Someday, I’ll be the book on the shelf, the blush on a lover’s cheeks. A two-legged baby, perhaps. Because there’s time. There’ll B Time, Dad

“Funny how you can live a whole life waiting and not know it.”
From ― Peter Heller, The Dog Stars

“If you weep not now, when will you ever weep?
From ― Dante Alighieri, Inferno

1548 Days Without B III, Day 989 of Virgil’s Arrival

Always and Forever,
Your Son

Meditation 299 ~That’s The B-word Virgil~

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I’m not singing “Bye Bye Love” because of my sons. My B’s memory and his little brother V’s life. But how can we afford to keep our bellies full, keep breathing, and be at all? Life’s a B, or I’m busy jerking to one. Ew! “That’s The B-word, Virgil.”

Saturday, April 26, 2025

Meditation 299 ~That’s The B-word Virgil~

Hey, Lady Lu,
I am a Billionaire right now… I wish! At this rate, I would settle for a few hundred bucks. Or B III.

Suppose my firstborn son were here. My Braxton. I want to say I’d do anything for him. As Bryan Adams sang, I would tell Braxton, “I would fight for you. I lie for you. Walk the wire for you. Yeah, I’d die for you.” If he were here, he would only ask me to be “The BEST Man I Can Be.” His father? I have his little brother Virgil lying right here. My little Virgil. My love for “them” is beyond words, Dear Lady Lunalesca.

Without the big bucks, how am I going to save us? How the mighty have fallen! Who am I kidding, Lady Lunalesca? I have never been mighty. But I’ve gone from thinking, if I had enough money, I could have found a way to save Braxton to keeping Virgil cool.

Bums lack that type of power. Well, this BUM, anyway. I’ve seen plenty of people who love their fur buddies. And here I am trying to keep myself and Virgil from living under a bridge, my lady. And if Virgil wasn’t here, I would find a bridge and I’d… Follow my B III on his.

Braxton sent Virgil to be a bridge to this life. A barrier to keep me from following him in death. And a beacon to the man I once was. A father. In case you ever wonder how Virgil got his name. But I’m not Dante. He only went to Hell. But I’m alive. And my biggest fear (for the moment) is being a BUM or “a creep. I’m a weirdo.” I trust you enough to share these fears with you.

OMG, am I right? Better I should drool over Rei Ayanami or Kallen Stadtfeld, Lunalesca. What? Is writing about Cherry’s Yabbos or M Anime’s bedtime terrors still not paying the bills? Based on the Day Job schedule I got last night, I had better do something. I got zero hours for one week. Didn’t I say I’ve been wasting valuable paid sick leave for what?

Not to be “Balls Deep In Love” with Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom. First, Ew. Second, do I love her? Uh… We met through writing but never IRL, so… Third, I have to stop calling M Anime that. And focus on writing “Cries Come Women, Come Country” or any book. Erotica? Because I Never Can Say Goodbye. That’s The B-word, Virgil.

1546 Days Without B III, Day 987 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 296 ~Braxton Wasn’t Planned, Virgil~

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I didn’t plan on being a Dad. And I can’t count on being a husband. Last I saw, I was $3,000 in the hole. Showing a bunch of anime holes or writing about lady parts equals a whole lot of nothing. My boys need to eat. “Braxton Wasn’t Planned, Virgil.”

Wednesday, April 23, 2025

Meditation 296 ~Braxton Wasn’t Planned, Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… But no, I haven’t knocked up Braxton and Virgil’s future stepmom. I should stop calling “M Anime” that.

“Accidents ambush the unsuspecting, often violently, just like love.”
― Andrew Davidson from The Gargoyle

I didn’t plan on having a son. I didn’t plan on my Braxton. I didn’t plan on being a Dad. But one night, my father walks in with this little ball of fluff. And though I had begged for a dog for years… There’s this tiny thing being flopped into my sister’s hands. My Neo.

That’s what I called him anyway. My Ma quickly changed it to Braxton. But to me, he would always be “The ONE.” And because my sister knew how to make a life. And “I am an equal opportunity misanthrope.” “Here I Am”: Father, Friend, and Fiend. Because I never planned on killing him. But I survived. I learned. And I’ve never forgiven myself, either. I dream, plan, and do nothing.

So that’s why I’m here Monday, April 21, 2025, financially effed. I should have followed.

Who, Braxton? “Too Little Too Late,” as the Barenaked Ladies sing. We’ll get to that. Today, there’s Virgil. 984 days ago, he wasn’t here. Hell! Braxton was very much alive on Tuesday, October 20, 2020, when Virgil was born. Three months later, my Braxton passed.

How much did it cost for tests and trying to keep him alive? “It Doesn’t Matter.” But when was the last check I got over one hundred dollars? And now Virgil’s vet visit, security, and the fact we need to eat… I didn’t plan on seeing forty or on trying to be Virgil’s hero. SIGH

He needs a father. I need to be a man.

Please! I don’t know the first thing about being a man. I’ve got man parts. And what was I doing with that hardware before coming here and talking to you, E? Trying not to come.

Talk about blasphemy because I was the same way on Easter Sunday. Whether it was M Anime’s nightmare that I’m writing “Cries Come Women, Come Country.” There are thoughts of Cherry’s huge vanilla Yabbos. Then such and such posted Megumi and Ayami from “Ecchi na Onee-Chan ni Shiboraretai,” so I had to cut up their episodes. But this led me to two more sisters I was moaning about in the bathroom. Filming OnlyFans? Nope. “Don’t know why I didn’t come.” “Mama told me not to come.” Braxton Wasn’t Planned, Virgil.

1543 Days Without B III, Day 984 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 295 ~No B In Sharing~

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Manners! Language! You talk too much! Should I say more about my furry kid? Four years gone. Or what about the walk with his little brother on a rainy morning? Money woes. Manuscripts that will never be published. Manhood. My Evils. “No B In Sharing”

Tuesday, April 22, 2025

Meditation 295 ~No B In Sharing~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? Enough to SHARE my life with you. Or give it. Oh, to be so noble.

Missing my Braxton, I could be a modern-day samurai. Committing Seppuku? No. That would only dishonor my firstborn son, you, my love, and our family. What? You didn’t think I only studied Japanese Adult Anime. Would you instead have me share more about B III?

Money has also become a concern. I was talking to my Ma the other day and wanted to share with her that I am afraid. A man provides for his family. Husband and father. “What Kind of Man Would I Be,” to admit that I’m afraid I can’t give you and our kids everything you want and need. But I wouldn’t be a good one. “What Makes a Good Man?”

Manuscripts full of bad ones. I was reading “My Writing.”

Yesterday, I kept getting the same response from “the critics.” I share far too much.

Truthful, yes, but too much. There’s “No Hope Left.” Apparently, I can’t say such things. I didn’t tell Braxton that as I watched him die. I don’t tell Virgil that when we walk every day. He needs to believe in a better world. A better me. What about myself, love?

Looking at myself in the mirror, I inevitably say, “I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend.” But what’s the truth? I want to tell the worst things, my Dirty Little Secret.

Braxton was euthanized Sunday, January 31, 2021, because I failed him. I don’t know how to reach Virgil. And I wish I was never born.

Because I am afraid. “It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” So why not share my sins with you? The things I have never done. Is it effed up that I think about this, like sharing food with my boys? Braxton eating hot dogs, and Virgil has pizza bites. You love?

I get off on the idea of watching you with someone being “ravished.” Cuckoldry vs Netorare (NTR). There’s a book in the closet, “Ravishment: The Dark Side of Erotic Fantasy” by Desmond Ravenstone. I’ve been excited by nonfiction violation stories. Exhibitionism is something I’d explore with you. My Sadism. Fear brings out my depravity. I share this with you because telling myself, my boys, I’ve failed. No B In Sharing.

1542 Days Without B III, Day 983 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will