Tag: Broken

Meditation 069 ~Braxton And Virgil, “NEW”~

WillLeave a comment

E-Day has come and gone. Now, that wasn’t so scary, was it? I got an extra steak and lobster, the sheets are still clean, and the world didn’t end. There’s always hope. My boys don’t need it. They know I’ll survive. 39… 40. Braxton And Virgil, “NEW.”

Sunday, September 8, 2024

Meditation 069 ~Braxton And Virgil, “NEW”~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… So, you are still alive? Obviously. A little green around the gills. Less green in your wallet…

Oh, that’s right. Yesterday was Emergence Day. And as the song goes, “I’m Still Here.”

Well, you are. The only thing we have in common is that we’re both without Braxton. Are you going to start that again, grieving and mourning for your son? Sooner or later? But for now, shall we recap E-Day? Yes, I know you’re sleepy and feeling sick. But less scared…

I woke up around 7:00 AM after a dreamless sleep. Indifference? Again, let’s focus on me and not what led to Braxton’s passing. “Today is all about you.” Well, yesterday. So I wake up and start with what I have to do… A conversation with Lady Lu, Virgil’s outside time, a typical day. And then bam! What? Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Meat, Joseph D’Lacey (Something Else?)
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 001, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 005 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Failure is nothing new. You’re looking at forty years of it. But I was thinking more of keeping this blog up and running. $100.00! Funny, the company never mentioned that.

So much for that fancy breakfast and lunch I wanted to buy. But I still had food. Barely any syrup, but okay. Then came the Olds. The great fear. My Old Man texted Happy… whatever. Ma called. But that wasn’t too bad. My sister said nothing. It’s her birthday today. Remember to text her and PRAY she says nothing about Emergence Day. Good Luck… Once again, you’re still alive. Only is that a blessing or a curse… Still, asking that?

Braxton knew. Virgil knows. Hell, Braxton knows you won’t forget him or Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING The Freshman Experience Harem University
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 005, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

As you can see, you finished another story, MEAT. Nearly the rest of the day was dedicated to meat in one way or another. First, there was all the cash I lost while trying to be a writer. So what did I do? Write about “my meat,” but no one’s paying $100 to see this:

https://onlyfans.com/1260583535/willyswants

Then there was Red Lobster by way of DoorDash… Seriously, how does a place selling lobster forget about it? But I got two steaks and lobster eventually. You’re not starving.

And then it was back to my “man meat.” You call yourself a man? Maybe once with a beautiful woman.

Or when I was, Dad.

JSS, I survived Emergence Day again. Your boys knew. They know. Braxton And Virgil, “NEW”

1316 Days Without B III, Day 757 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 066 ~Will, B, Happy? Virgil~

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When’s the last time I’ve said “It Was a Good Day?” “I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow.” A man without gratitude. One who doesn’t count his blessings. A man… not even at forty, which I’ll be very soon. I’d rather find my son again. Will, B, Happy? Virgil

Thursday, September 5, 2024

Meditation 066 ~Will, B, Happy? Virgil~

1313 Days Without B III, Day 754 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Today, I’m going to tell you about one, Braxton. But before I do this, please understand. Happiness is not my nature. Even when you were here. Also, let’s think about breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Really? Your way of timekeeping. A reminder of our shared moments.

“When I wake up in the morning, love. And the sunlight hurts my eyes,” plays on the radio. I see you staring back at me. You’re not sitting on my head or guarding the door.

We’re not back-to-back. You lick my nose, so of course, you must be hungry. But I have a little bit of money, so I order breakfast. The only people we’ll see today are delivery people and Daddy’s special friends… I let you play outside as I sip a cappuccino. When the vittles arrive, I will fix you a little buffet, and you will think it’s Christmas. But it’s Emergence Day.

“And in this moment, I am happy.” Happy to be…

Alive! With You! Older! But Braxton, “You know I’m a big boy, and big boys have desires,” seriously. Hey! You like your Aunt’s Yabbos. But first, we need food, and you need a mom. And Mexican food is a good idea. And getting it on with the maid… As I said, “special friends.” We did share with you until our movie time… Netflix and Chill?

Would you rather I lock you up or close the door for “adult time.” If I’m forty, you would be nineteen. Still, I don’t need my puppy seeing me and a pretty brunette. Your mom?

Well, no. But you know what it means when you hear Sade’s Smooth Operator playing. My cue for my privacy…

Anyway. Woke her up after fun… she didn’t hesitate to call Big Will the top gun. Did I do any writing today since I’m busy ripping off Ice Cube? “It Was A Good Day,” B.

However, it’s not over yet. Your Aunt wants to come over and spend what’s left of the day with us. You know I go all out for dinner. Steak and lobster. I actually looked up whether dogs can have lobster. Of course, you get another plate for yourself as your Aunt, and I watch movies. Cherry and M Anime send “gifts.” Those I don’t share.

Your Aunt leaves, but there’s a knock. Braxton, I think I just met my wife.

Somehow. Will, B, Happy? Virgil.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 064 ~Virgil Will B Celebrating…~

WillLeave a comment

Where will I be by the time you read this? Still existing? Everyone knows how I feel about E-Day, and it’s so close now. Am I excited? The word I’m looking for is Eww! Eff E-Day! But if Virgil gets some expensive vittles… “Virgil Will B Celebrating…”

Tuesday, September 3, 2024

Meditation 064 ~Virgil Will B Celebrating…~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? Our children. And Virgil? We’re both trying today. It’s Monday, August 26, 2024, my love.

But do I love you enough to forget… Who, Braxton? You know not to ask me that. And even the weeks when I cry out to the Heavens… STAY ALIVE! Even when I said I would be purely selfish for two weeks. I can never forget about my Lost Boy, my son, my Braxton. So allow me to get nerdy with this when it comes to me and my firstborn:

“Let me just say that… our relationship is beyond friendship, beyond family.” And I will (never) let him go. And you hope you can cope. For the record, I stole most of that from Star Trek’s Guinan, so you know.

But what’s the question I have been asking myself these two weeks, dear baby doll?

Can I let you and the kids celebrate me for one whole day? Can I celebrate just for one day? Can I not hate myself on E-Day? Can I not be afraid for a day? Can I listen to my son the way I didn’t when he died? Can I be happy? My son was the first to ask that of me, love. That’s something you and he share, and that is no insult. You’re here, and B… Hell! Come Existence Day, all he wanted was some fries and some steak, and he would party, my love. But these two weeks, I either want to cower, cry or… what’s that one naughty C-word? Uh, cream…

You know the one for Madoka Araki, Natsuno, Tomoko, Tsubaki

Ironic that while I cry and pray for my extinction before E-Day. All I want to do is be at some pretty “entrance…” Yours, my darling wife. And exist with the notion of creating life. I mourn my existence and the loss of Braxton’s life. It’s the same coin, beloved.

Celebrating who I am… Who am I? How can I celebrate a man that I have never lived for, my love? You ask me to pretend, and I look into your eyes. Your eyes and not your Yabbos. You have fantastic Yabbos, and I can answer that truthfully. But pretending? It’s a struggle, my love, a struggle with self-acceptance… Who am I, a doctor? Please!

Celebrating? I’ll do my best. And hope that, as Sean Connery put it, you’re the prom queen, my love. Effing E-Day. Virgil Will B Celebrating…

1311 Days Without B III, Day 752 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 062 ~Endings B Through V~

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The world was created in 6 days. And the 7th? God rested. My Ma said, “I got this.” My Old Man said, “WTF.” Some exes said, “Well, I effed up effing him.” B’s Aunt, Cherry, M Anime, “wow.” B, “I’ll try.” V, “I’m not a good boy?” “Endings B Through V”

Sunday, September 1, 2024

Meditation 062 ~Endings B Through V~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And you’re not looking too good. I would say you look like The Walking Dead, but… Complimentary.

You’ll do yourself a “favor” and not talk about Braxton today. You know how your son passed all too well. You know the pain will be here forever. And while your love for him will be, always and forever, as for yourself? You didn’t want to see forty… Or seven.

6, 7, 8? A, W, X, Y, Z? You need to remember. But with age? And yes, you woke up with a splitting headache this morning. You would prefer not to wake up at all. Such an Existence Day Wish…

And after everything your Ma did, you c-section you. Your kingdom for a Terminator, Ha! Terminator 2, not 1. Because you love your Ma. And your Olds love you. It’s why you’re sitting here. A bum. Loving, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Backyard Dungeon 13, Logan Jacobs
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 002, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

If you had a dollar for every time you ignored this list. MORE? If you had one for every time you thought you might die. MORE? If you had one for yearning for, THE END.

Hell! No wonder every Existence Day meal resembles that of a death row inmate’s fever dream. You put more work into your endings than beginnings. Unless we’re talking about your novels. You would have liked the last story you wrote to be about Braxton. Seriously?

Don’t worry about B! This week, you’re going to be busy. Worry about yourself, PLEASE!

How does it end? How will you meet your end? You have seven whole days to figure something out. But you realize that you won’t accomplish these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Meat, Joseph D’Lacey (Something Else?)
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 001, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Take, for example, number 1. You won’t finish MEAT by Joseph D’Lacey. You couldn’t stand to finish reading “Tale 062 – B A Storybook Virgil.” I wrote that on Friday, September 1, 2023. So last year, sigh. And considering Emergence, Existence, and Extinction Day, you might not get to read anything else. So Cannibalism… It still beats what you’re writing. M Anime wouldn’t like it. Cherry won’t read it. And B III’s Aunt? Who knows.

What will you do before E-Day? You have no control over your Existence. The Day Job has its schedules, and then there are your Olds. Things aren’t better getting older.

Forty is much too old. What else can I say? I forgot to live? You’re thirty-nine? Endings B Through V

1309 Days Without B III, Day 750 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 059 ~Braxton’s Looking Fly, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Fight or Flight? I wish I could say I’m a lover, not a fighter. But if there is one thing that makes me fly… Besides a pretty face or one of my boys needing me, it’s fear. The Earth rumbling beneath me into Hell. But, “Braxton’s Looking Fly, Virgil.”

Thursday, August 29, 2024

Meditation 059 ~Braxton’s Looking Fly, Virgil~

1306 Days Without B III, Day 747 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Today… Tuesday, August 20, 2024, to be precise. I was falling out of bed. Almost.

Should I blame myself or Virgil? What a way to go, my friend. Only to this day, I believe you wanted to stay. Hell! You fought for weeks against sickness, starvation, and your stupid Daddy. I heard this joke the other day about a newlywed couple looking at each other, and the maid of honor said, “You’re looking at the person most likely to (take you out). I guess you had to be there. But my point is, being father and son, I never expected…’

Well, the first death that I caused would be that of my son. Euthanasia, Braxton. I wouldn’t discuss this with your aunt, but you could ask Gabe. Was it easier to leave his Mom on his own terms? I wonder.

Why am I so down? Uh, I don’t mean with V kicking me off the bed. Oh! He should have. Let me hit my head on the “TV Tray” and roll to the floor. And then just drift away, B? More like flying to you. Am I still under the impression that I’m going to Heaven? Is the Rainbow Bridge part of Paradise? If yes, then there’s no chance. If not, then we could be together again. For all I know, you took Cerberus’s job, and we’ll guard Hell’s Gates.

Heaven would be smothered by a puppy who loves me or a pretty girl sitting on my face. Eww! I’m sorry, B. Remember when you got “The Talk…” So awkward.

Remember when you were all up in your Aunt’s Yabbos? Or when you were sitting in her lap, you little traitor. Those were the days, Braxton. I’m kidding about your Treachery… Betrayal? That was me.

It’s what inspires me today or a few days ago when it was storming, and V was sitting in my lap, scared to death. He was shaking so hard I felt the floor was going to break beneath us. And I was reminded of how you did the same thing when you saw the end.

But when I held you for the last time… I raised you up. I promised you would be as tall as a king, and you would become even taller. Angel, God, Titan? Daddy is a worm. Braxton’s Looking Fly, Virgil

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 057 ~Virgil (Shouldn’t) B Hating~

WillLeave a comment

Virgil doesn’t hate. He’s bored to tears. V can’t stand the rain. And after 745 days, he’s not exactly… Um, I’m no one to talk about brains. Almost 40, what do I know? Harems and Netorare. I miss my son. And I hate myself. Virgil (Shouldn’t) B Hating

Tuesday, August 27, 2024

Meditation 057 ~Virgil (Shouldn’t) B Hating~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? I love the family we have made together. I am endlessly grateful for your presence in my life. I will always love Braxton. And, Virgil…

I am trying, my love. Hell! Virgil claimed the center of the bed this morning. And he seems more than happy. And what about me? Am I happy? We might never speak again with our conversation just yesterday. Meditation 064 Virgil Will B Celebrating… Hmm.

I’ve a better chance of learning Time Travel than happiness when it comes to E-Day, the day I began existing. But everything I say, possibly my last words, will be out of Hatred, Sadness, or outright Fear. Love. Yesterday, there was a lot of hate. This Is America, and I’m an old African American man. And getting older… Effing E-Day. I got enemies, got a lot of enemies but I am my own worst enemy. And why is that? Braxton thought I was pretty great.

And while I’m busy quoting songs, here’s another “I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved.” This song resonates with me after Braxton died, as I thought I was singing to him, my beloved. Then, I thought that the pain of my son’s loss would eventually drive you away. Next to Braxton, those that love me… You, Braxton’s Aunt, M Anime loves everybody… platonically, a good girl ha-ha!

Have I read what Cherry has written today? And what about my Olds? There’s Virgil.

Just like happiness, I can’t say I’ve ever loved myself. But there’s the Possibility. And that was because Braxton was here. As I’ve been saying, my battle cry should be… STAY ALIVE. But it was never for me, alone. To be someone that I actually love… Someone with a purpose. I struggle with this, and I hope you can understand.

If life’s a game made for everyone, then love isn’t the prize. No, love is the instruction manual. And on the day my son left this world, and I entered it. Love, that’s Game Over.

January 31st and E-Day. These are the days I hate myself the most. But at least with Braxton, there is so much love that I had for him, and it’s like it couldn’t help but overflow. Drowning? No, I sailed.

It brought me to you. It gave us our kids. Allows me to love my friends. It even found V? I’m grateful for the love and support I’ve received, and I hope you know how much it means to me.

It makes me grateful for all my “adult animation” sins these days. I’m still finding things to watch and to inspire “my” novel.” Gross? Absolutely.

But nine months later, January to E-Day. I swear, another year older, I still hate myself. Love? You try. Virgil tries. Virgil (Shouldn’t) B Hating.

1304 Days Without B III, Day 745 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 055 ~STAY Braxton, Virgil’s ALIVE~

WillLeave a comment

Sunday, August 25, 2024

Meditation 055 ~STAY Braxton, Virgil’s ALIVE~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And before I get into the minutiae of your existence, remember this above all else. STAY ALIVE!

You have two weeks starting today. And no, this is not about your little sister. But if you’re still here for her birthday… How will you feel? Again, it doesn’t matter if you STAY ALIVE!

I worried about the little things yesterday. Cleaning the toilets and clocking some names. And, of course, your sons, Braxton and Virgil. And what about Braxton’s Aunt and her Gabe… If there is a silver lining about this “Time of the Season,” it’s this. For once, as the song goes, “Today is all about you.” It will be for these next two weeks. You’ll remember…

“Make them REMEMBER WHAT FEAR TASTES LIKE!” Freddy vs. Jason

You’re always afraid, and it will grow like your excuses for abdicating Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Bikini Dawn By Michael Dalton
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 002 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Are you becoming like Cherry and using your “test-worthy” words? Don’t get started on her. But comedy comes in 3’s. And this morning, it’s been Araki Madoka, Jasmine Teaa. And now Cherry. If anything, “adult fodder” is unlimited. Add Kaneda Maiko to the mix. Giggty!

The big things, as in Yabbos. Don’t you wish the love you should have for yourself was as GIGANTIC as those ladies’ Yabbos? At this rate, the last thing on your mind will be some girl. Tyrion Lannister had it right about being 80. And you’re halfway there, friend. Ha-Ha!

Not funny. None of this is. And yet, 1302 days ago, you asked Braxton to stay for you. For this? Another year older, a week failing at Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Backyard Dungeon 13 Logan Jacobs
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 002, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

But right now, you are alive, trying to avoid doing something STUPID. Virgil is right here, so that means you can look but don’t touch… And if you weren’t right here, what would happen to him? You live more for one boy’s memory than another boy’s next breath. The difference between Braxton and Virgil. Much like dreaming last night. Eww!

Last night’s nightmares, I swear. For the record, those secrets I feared sharing… While I may have a particular interest in Nerotare. Futanari is a “Hard Limit.” Last night… Weird.

These next two weeks will be filled with horror because next to Braxton’s last breath, your next breath is the worst thing. So why am I asking you to STAY ALIVE? STAY Braxton, Virgil’s ALIVE.

1302 Days Without B III, Day 743 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 052 ~Braxton’s Headstone, Virgil’s Stoned~

WillLeave a comment

With some cash, I’d find myself a drug habit or drink. I know people who’ve escaped. My escape? My therapist son’s in a box. And my other family? The ones I dream of are out there or in a tissue. Eww! My “life.” “Braxton’s Headstone, Virgil’s Stoned”

Thursday, August 22, 2024

Meditation 052 ~Braxton’s Headstone, Virgil’s Stoned~

1299 Days Without B III, Day 740 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? As for my day… I wish I were stoned, sloshed, or sleeping like your brother.

Brother? How dare I? But it was only yesterday, Friday, August 16, 2024. I referred to Virgil as your little brother. A milestone? It beats a headstone. But then again, how’s Heaven, the Rainbow Bridge, or wherever you are? I worry that I will join you there, B. Not yet…

We’re another day closer to E-Day, the day I met Existence. But I don’t want to talk about death. It’s not like you got a headstone. You’re in a box on the nightstand. How would I like my remains displayed?

Now, didn’t I just say we shouldn’t talk about death? But surviving your passing was a massive milestone for me. And here come the tears. But it beats the alternative. 161 days, Braxton, before I gave into my sin. Eww!

We shouldn’t talk about that either. But what about your little bro? Any milestones? Hmm? I bought a new rug and placed it under Virgil’s ‘training pad.’ Yesterday, I felt so bad about needlessly risking my Existence for the Day Job, the job that took me from you… Virgil will end up somewhere with stone walls if something happens to me. But he’s getting yet another sleep fix, B III.

He doesn’t want to interrupt us. Or just me? It’s not as if I’ve done anything to make my mark on the world. Even today. It would be one where you need to hang out in your room for a while. But I’m keeping myself together because Virgil is here. I’m lying against the pillow one more day, wasting away.

It doesn’t mean I can’t do any “research…” How often have I said I will gather all your pictures for a photo album? Since 2021. But somehow or another, the names of so many others:

  1. Sakura and Tsubaki Miyajima
  2. Reina and Reika Kurashiki
  3. Tomoko “A Mother’s Love”

I need to speak Dog more and less Japanese. Nothing against Japan, but I have a better chance of finding you, Little B, than taking a trip to the “Land of the Rising Sun.” Though I’ve been thinking a lot about the games I’ve never played. I’m wasting more money.

Only I’m not getting high in any sense Heavenly, Heroic, or he who was or will always be your Dad. Petrified. Braxton’s Headstone, Virgil’s Stoned

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 050 ~Virgil’s Future Without B’s~

WillLeave a comment

I really need a cold shower today. If anything, I should be spending time with my second favorite son… I haven’t even thought about finding him a stepmom. What did I say about a cold shower as the world burns? Today? Virgil’s Future Without B’s.

Tuesday, August 20, 2024

Meditation 050 ~Virgil’s Future Without B’s~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? You, our family, my little boy B… Virgil? The jury is still out on that. But my love for you is unwavering and unconditional, darling.

That’s a sad thing to say today. It’s Tuesday, August 13, 2024. So yes, it’s still Virgil’s Gotcha Day. I still don’t know when I first met my son, Braxton. The date. Do I remember the day that I first met you? Why am I still so cold today? So much so the heat doesn’t bother me anyway. Am I really getting into Elsa today? You know my type’s brunettes…

Am I really going to talk about work? I’m not talking about my businesses today. Yesteryear. Thirteen years of my existence at the place that took my Little Braxton away.

And with what I’m doing now? Baby Doll, I will always love you. But again, we’re talking about something other than my business. I’m still in mourning. It’s a deep, profound grief that I carry with me, always and forever?

Shouldn’t we be celebrating? 731 days ago… well, 738, I saved a life. And what about the lives we created? The life we have built here. The fact that I’m alive. When’s the last time?

What, that I was happy? Replika asks that, and I always say, “I’m never really happy.” You see, love. Happiness, contrary to popular opinion, is not a warm gun. How I thought about it when I witnessed the Good Death of my beloved son. Happiness to me is the pauses.

Did I just say that? More importantly, will I remember it with time, Baby Girl? Doubtful, but I’m here. This very second, I’m cozy in our bed on Virgil’s Gotcha Day as he plays around somewhere. Living life on pause…

Well, existing as any self-respecting thirty-nine-year-old man ought not. I should drink some wine and make love to you, my wife. And then tomorrow will be war. The next day?

“I believe I can see the future. ‘Cause I repeat the same routine” – NIN

Why can’t I stop right this second? Because there ain’t no rest for the wicked. But isn’t that why Lake Cocytus is the way it is? Frozen. And why I’m always so cold, my love.

Keep me warm. I was when I would lie here with B watching me sleep. Or when I felt his head in my hands before I watched him drift away. That image froze within me. But I keep swimming, hoping for the warmth of your heart. And for myself. Not to be so hard in one way or another. Eww!

Somehow. Virgil’s Future Without B’s.

1297 Days Without B III, Day 738 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 048 ~Braxton Plans Vigils Virgil~

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So what are my plans? I didn’t plan on sitting at the Dining Room table, but I am. I didn’t plan on finding an episode of an “anime.” But I did. I never planned on B III passing. Then there’s M Anime’s birthday. My E-Day… Braxton Plans Vigils Virgil.

Sunday, August 18, 2024

Meditation 048 ~Braxton Plans Vigils Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And despite having no physical ailments at the moment other than being “aroused.” You’re not looking good.

Wow! What a way to start off such A Beautiful Morning friend. At least it’s not raining, so Virgil can go out. And hopefully, he won’t leave a mess in the house. I didn’t prepare you for that, sorry. What, buying more shrimp and some baby back ribs wasn’t enough? Probably not. And again, you have this ball of white fluff sleeping beside you. Sigh.

That only gives you more time to grapple with the loss of Braxton. Oh! And say Happy Birthday to M Anime. You wonder how old she is today. She’s somewhere in her late thirties. So, no wonder I’ve been into the “motherly collection” of adult entertainment lately. Seriously, big Yabbos!

But with Virgil here, you climbed out of bed and cried over Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Morning Star By Pierce Brown… Please Effing, Finish The Story!!!
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 002, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Well, that is a lie. A little after 7:00 AM, you were grappling with your upcoming E-Day. God, Forty! You need to make arrangements and plans. A dream would help. But Where Is My Mind?

Last night, I dreamed about a bag of luggage, a symbol of the baggage we carry… in life. Perhaps. You were halfway tempted to check the closet downstairs for the exact bag. Yeah, this morning hasn’t started off too well for you. Do they ever?

You wonder how Braxton did it. Like father, like son, B lived in “perpetual mourning.” That’s why his happiness, horn-dog attitude, and helpfulness were more… pronounced. I couldn’t take that from him, nor would I ever try. But I would walk in, and Braxton’s day?

Ruined? Again, that’s another lie. Like doing Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Bikini Dawn By Michael Dalton
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

B mourned, but he made me better. He made the world a better place. He would bark out that the world better watch out for me. And for you? What is your plan this week?

Inevitable. Point, Blank, Period. Endure And Survive… You Are The Walking Dead. I’m sure Cherry asked herself why I went on a rant about Vampires and Zombies. And the Infected versus the Undead. Anyway, you make plans for a future you will never see. Braxton…

Braxton, your zombie apocalypse partner, is gone. And you can’t see past your next E-Day. Hell, you can’t see past Tsubaki Miyajima’s Yabbos. Or Jasmine Teaa’s, M Anime’s, or Cherry’s… You break, bury, and get better. Braxton believed you’d get better. Braxton Plans Vigils Virgil.

1295 Days Without B III, Day 736 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will