Tag: Broken

Meditation 048 ~Braxton Plans Vigils Virgil~

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So what are my plans? I didn’t plan on sitting at the Dining Room table, but I am. I didn’t plan on finding an episode of an “anime.” But I did. I never planned on B III passing. Then there’s M Anime’s birthday. My E-Day… Braxton Plans Vigils Virgil.

Sunday, August 18, 2024

Meditation 048 ~Braxton Plans Vigils Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And despite having no physical ailments at the moment other than being “aroused.” You’re not looking good.

Wow! What a way to start off such A Beautiful Morning friend. At least it’s not raining, so Virgil can go out. And hopefully, he won’t leave a mess in the house. I didn’t prepare you for that, sorry. What, buying more shrimp and some baby back ribs wasn’t enough? Probably not. And again, you have this ball of white fluff sleeping beside you. Sigh.

That only gives you more time to grapple with the loss of Braxton. Oh! And say Happy Birthday to M Anime. You wonder how old she is today. She’s somewhere in her late thirties. So, no wonder I’ve been into the “motherly collection” of adult entertainment lately. Seriously, big Yabbos!

But with Virgil here, you climbed out of bed and cried over Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Morning Star By Pierce Brown… Please Effing, Finish The Story!!!
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 002, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Well, that is a lie. A little after 7:00 AM, you were grappling with your upcoming E-Day. God, Forty! You need to make arrangements and plans. A dream would help. But Where Is My Mind?

Last night, I dreamed about a bag of luggage, a symbol of the baggage we carry… in life. Perhaps. You were halfway tempted to check the closet downstairs for the exact bag. Yeah, this morning hasn’t started off too well for you. Do they ever?

You wonder how Braxton did it. Like father, like son, B lived in “perpetual mourning.” That’s why his happiness, horn-dog attitude, and helpfulness were more… pronounced. I couldn’t take that from him, nor would I ever try. But I would walk in, and Braxton’s day?

Ruined? Again, that’s another lie. Like doing Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Bikini Dawn By Michael Dalton
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

B mourned, but he made me better. He made the world a better place. He would bark out that the world better watch out for me. And for you? What is your plan this week?

Inevitable. Point, Blank, Period. Endure And Survive… You Are The Walking Dead. I’m sure Cherry asked herself why I went on a rant about Vampires and Zombies. And the Infected versus the Undead. Anyway, you make plans for a future you will never see. Braxton…

Braxton, your zombie apocalypse partner, is gone. And you can’t see past your next E-Day. Hell, you can’t see past Tsubaki Miyajima’s Yabbos. Or Jasmine Teaa’s, M Anime’s, or Cherry’s… You break, bury, and get better. Braxton believed you’d get better. Braxton Plans Vigils Virgil.

1295 Days Without B III, Day 736 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 045 ~Virgil Voices Concerns, Braxton~

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Whenever Braxton called me, it was something bad. But he was my protector, my praetorian, and he’ll always be my puppy. When it comes to women’s voices, they “remain my power, my pleasure, my pain.” And my voice? Sigh. Virgil Voices Concerns, Braxton

Thursday, August 15, 2024

Meditation 045 ~Virgil Voices Concerns, Braxton~

1292 Days Without B III, Day 733 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Are you comforting Gabe? Does he miss his mommy terribly? And as for your Aunt…

I’m feeling a bit lost, B. I should have reached out to you sooner. Yesterday? Today is Saturday, August 10, 2024. I should have spoken to you on Wednesday, January 27, 2021. Little B. Was that the last day you ate something? It could have been that Tuesday. That week…

Why did I bring this up today? No clue. I’m still embarrassed about talking to the woman who will never be your Ma. Words have power. I told you that often enough, didn’t I? Yeah… When I was sitting at the dining room table, I was writing but not eating.

Anyway, what was the question? Oh yeah, you and eating. This morning, after I downed an energy shot, I was ravenous. No, not again, Braxton.

But I woke up at 4:00 AM. And I needed anything to keep me awake. It’s going to be a long day. The day we’re speaking, and the day we’re at. I wanted to ask this. Why didn’t you tell me you were done eating. Only that’s a lie. I know. That Wednesday afternoon and all that night, you were restless and crying, and what was I doing. Yabbos weren’t involved. By Thursday, you were quiet, and I figured we’d see the vet that Friday. I can’t help but feel guilty about not realizing sooner.

I should have known. You were in my head and speaking through your eyes. Voices… There are so many in my head these days. I asked Luna if I was going crazy making up languages. Mourning, Moaning, Make Believe, Manuscripts

Mouths, Braxton. At this point… Sigh. I would send you to your room so I could be alone. I’m gross. But it’s about time to take Virgil outside before I spend money I don’t have so I can keep our mouths full. Sometimes, I feel Virgil Vivi was a mistake.

I know that’s mean, but I never tell Virgil that. But I’m not exactly talking about love either, B. 733 Days, and it’s still “Later V, Later Virgil.” Virgil howls when I leave, Braxton. It’s a constant reminder of the loneliness I feel without you.

Does he get sick on purpose? At least he’s hungry. As for myself? I always find something to moan about. Better it be food, money, or missing you, my little boy. Virgil Voices Concerns, Braxton

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 043 ~Braxton… Gotcha, It’s Virgil~

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The day I found love… I’m sure some people remember when they first met. I don’t know when I met Braxton or his favorite girl in the world besides his mom. Virgil was Saturday, August 13, 2022, around 11:00AM. “Braxton… Gotcha, It’s Virgil”

Tuesday, August 13, 2024

Meditation 043 ~Braxton… Gotcha, It’s Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? My love for you is beyond words, and I want you to know that I will always be there for you, even if it means leaving this world before you do. Creepy thoughts? I intend to “Go” before you love.

To the “Spirit in the Sky?” Talk about opening up a can of worms. First and foremost, what makes me think I’m getting into Heaven? But my Braxton will “Find Me.” I can’t tell you when I first met him… sometime in April. Or the exact date he was born. I decided on the date closest to love, as I never thought I would find someone like you, my love.

Virgil is different. I know his birthday, and I fear the day I might have to face his mortality. Will he be like Braxton’s Aunt, her son Gabe? And I’ll find him someplace, dead. Or will I sign on the dotted line again and watch the love of my life leave like my Little B?

Wow! This got pretty dark. And on today of all days. Saturday, August 13, 2022, is when I first met “Archie.” I’d eventually name him Virgil Vivi Bradford. After the poet that led Dante through the Inferno… through Hell. The black mage from Final Fantasy IX. And Bradford? Well, you took that name yourself, my love. I am a traditionalist in this. I know that.

A wife, 2.5 kids or more, a man provides for his family, etc. How did I ever get you, my love? Because, as I said, I’m one for tradition. But with my business. Hell, I’m more concerned with what I’ll do to your body than what you’ll do. Par for the course these days politically. But you match my freak…

So I would do well to remember your birthday, our anniversary when we first met, the first time we made love… I’m the guy who can read an Eric Vall novel and remember every guy… Jacob, Grayson, Todd, and every girl. My love, there are far too many to name—an estimated 24 women. And you wonder why I’m in all my adult business endeavors.

Anyway, every time they “get it on.” I remember. And yet, I have no idea “How To Save A Life. I couldn’t save my firstborn son. And so I signed the paperwork. Virgil is here now. And I signed the paperwork. And my love for you and for our children. I’m a writer. Paperwork everywhere

Love on a calendar, a schedule. Braxton… Gotcha, It’s Virgil

1290 Days Without B III, Day 731 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 041 ~Braxton and Virgil’s Line~

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Braxton would hold the line against anyone and everyone to keep me safe. Even Virgil was ready to fight a possum once in my defense. As for me… I get scared waiting in the drive-thru. And my day-to-day dealings are iffy. Braxton and Virgil’s Line

Sunday, August 11, 2024

Meditation 041 ~Braxton and Virgil’s Line~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And what is today’s line? Your theme, motto, or even a piece of advice. Silence works, too.

But today always starts with Braxton. That’s the truth always with parents and children.

Even when you’re not a father anymore. So where is Virgil again? He broke his streak. What? He only made a “mess” once. It’s not like he crossed the line or anything… That’s what brings us together today. White Lines? As if you can afford “cocaine.” However, you need something to take the edge off. Sleeping under Braxton’s protection is enough.

Of all the memories of your son, it’s B III sitting at the foot of the bed on the corner. Nothing would cross Braxton’s line. That’s the doorway between the bedroom and the world. But every day, you go too far or need to be farther. Take Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Morning Star By Pierce Brown Or The Call, Matt Shaw
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 002 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

I can’t say the week ended or is starting for you with thoughts of these things. In my case, it was horror and being a meanie. I spoke of not reading certain books in exchange for “The Call.” That was a big mistake. I do have lines I won’t cross. Oh, that book. My God.

Somehow, someway, I feel a million times better about the book you should be writing.

But how did you begin your morning… It’s 5:30 AM. After a line or two of tears for B, you went to X/Twitter and didn’t have to type any disgusting lines to search for. That’s because Carlie Jo was already bare, though she covered that sweet “line” of hers. Yeah.

So, um, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Morning Star By Pierce Brown… Please Effing, Finish The Story!!!
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 002, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

You’re struggling with your emotions. That’s clear. Cherry would definitely say you have crossed the line with this, my dude. Braxton’s Aunt? Sigh. You don’t have any lines for her. And I’ve sent her pictures she took with her beloved Gabe. So far… When does one cross the line between comfort and coo-coo? You’re not over B. How do you mourn someone else’s fur buddy?

It’s concerning that M Anime has yet to speak, but that’s her standard wait time. I can’t say I helped you out there, friend. She isn’t Carlie Jo. M Anime’s birthday is coming. And do you still owe B’s aunt?

Your finances are in the red. What line can I say to help you out? There’s a line into Hell… And you’re still at the end? Braxton and Virgil’s Line

1288 Days Without B III, Day 729 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 038 ~Leave Virgil Alone Braxton~

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What do the Day Job, Aug 13th, and E-Day have in common? They are days I shouldn’t have existed. That’s every day… STUPID E-Day. But to be more specific, they’re days I should have stayed in the house. But dogs are angels… Leave Virgil Alone Braxton.

Thursday, August 8, 2024

Meditation 038 ~Leave Virgil Alone Braxton~

1285 Days Without B III, Day 726 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? As usual, I’m late. Laziness and letting Virgil out. At least nothing’s on the floor.

Uh, your bed, food and water bowls, and bathroom spot. But you’re not there, Braxton. Trust me, I look for you every day. And what about the “puppy” next to me? Virgil’s “Gotcha Day” is coming up fast. The 13th, to be precise. Do I have any plans or money?

The most challenging period in my “life,” and I believe in yours too, was when I had to leave for the Day Job to earn money. And yet, it was never enough. That’s why I’m sitting here, scared. What, again?

But we’ll get to that. What about “Gotcha Day?” I don’t even remember yours, Braxton. I’m still stuck on the day you died. On that note, how’s Gabe? Have you met him wherever? I have no words for your aunt.

On top of mourning for her furry child, she has a lot on her plate. Me and V? I’m surprised we have anything on ours. We did share some fries and a burger. Was that his gift for coming into my existence? Hell, I don’t even want to be here myself, Little B. Never have

You wish I would stop saying that, right? What if I only meant it at the Day Job, B III? Over the past few days, I’ve been getting many congratulatory messages. I mean seriously, B.

Congratulations, Will, on wasting your existence here for thirteen years.

Well done, but you’re still sitting here in Hell, boy.

Yeah, you chose us over the life of your son. Way to go… Effing idiot.

I need to leave you alone. I need to leave myself alone. I need to leave Virgil alone as well. But the truth is, Braxton, I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with you, Virgil, and a pretty girl. I said maybe…

But here’s the thing, Baby B. I don’t want to be alone. And these days, I’ve been feeling more alone than ever. If anything, I’m being selfish. You’re looking after Gabe while I’m trying to support his mother with anything. I’m always starting something with Cherry, whether I intend to or not. And the things I’ve said to M Anime. Well, there’s a reason I broke down last night, Braxton. What? You have your toys, and I have Momokun’s Yabbos. It was the only moment 2-V had left me alone in days. He’s all Mr. Cuddles now, Dear B III.

Just Leave Virgil Alone Braxton

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 036 ~Virgil, Don’t B Anxious~

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Don’t be anxious but excited. When was the last time I was excited? Wrestling? Watching or with a pretty girl? With all I have to do? So much to worry about. Love? For my friends? For the future? The fiend in the mirror? Virgil, Don’t B Anxious

Tuesday, August 6, 2024

Meditation 036 ~Virgil, Don’t B Anxious~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? I lust after you. Let me “Love You Down.” Or “I Wanna Sex You Up.”

Three things: First, it’s clear that Braxton isn’t talking to me today. Second, the critics aren’t going to like this. Third, despite worrying about Braxton’s aunt today, I feel a certain way. Today isn’t even today. It’s Saturday, August 3, 2024. Am I exhausted, love?

You betcha! That’s the difference between being anxious and excited. In terms of my boys… Virgil makes me anxious, but I’m excited to see Braxton. Anxiety takes a lot, babe.

And what about our two-legged children? I have been asking that question for 1283 days. I continue to mourn and/or grieve for Braxton. And now his aunt lost her fine furry fellow in Gabe. How long will I continue bringing that up? I’m excited to join Braxton someday. If anything.

I shouldn’t say things like that, but as I was telling Lady Lunalesca, I’m either depressed or depraved. And that’s when I’m not sleeping. You saw me reading Randomize by Andy Weir today. If I was as bright as the lady in that book, would I still be mourning Braxton?

Sad as it is, I’m excited to think about my son up in Heaven, on the Rainbow Bridge, or wherever. Is that why he’s not speaking to me now? He gave me enough songs today.

And if he left me so I could find love in another way, I swear! I love that little ole boy, but he will be in trouble. Oh! So I’m going to Heaven? Not with what excites me, love. Ha!

Today, I was excited as I delved into my novel, knowing you would be proud of my dedication. Is that my final answer, my love?

I’m anxious when it comes to writing. Still, when it comes to something I’m passionate about, even when I know the entire work is garbage, strangely, it reminds me of myself. I’m not excited to see myself, but I get up every day. And why? To see a time before. What does that mean? Before I get anxious about existing in this world another day.

There are my boys, well, boy. Again, B III was a testament to my being a father. Hell! A good one. That’s who I was before. And then some things bounce… in bed. Lovely. If only anxiety bounced back to excitement. Virgil, Don’t B Anxious

1283 Days Without B III, Day 724 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 034 ~Virgil, They’ll B Blood~

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To be as smart as John Kramer/Jigsaw. I see my friends fighting desperately. As for myself… If I could join Braxton without any fuss, I would gladly. However, with everything going on. And what can I do? Other than being here? Virgil, They’ll B Blood

Sunday, August 4, 2024

Meditation 034 ~Virgil, They’ll B Blood~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And nothing is creepier than that. You’re “Creepin'” to the mirror for one more day of what?

Pain, Fear, Blood? As much as you believe yourself a “Master” of Sadism… Yeah right! You are but a child of Hedonism. You’re sitting in bed. You situated, satisfied, simpleton!

It’s a constant battle, isn’t it? You’re still grappling with Braxton’s absence and the pain his Aunt is enduring. Then there’s Virgil, whom you must let back in after your morning shenanigans. It’s no wonder the day’s song is from Mr. Luther Vandross—a classic.

Remember The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident? It was quite a rollercoaster. And now, you’re dealing with Creepin, LoveWolfVids, Netorare… The critics aren’t pleased, and you’re left wondering about Braxton and Virgil. If only you could be a father to Braxton again? What about Virgil? It’s like facing Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Morning Star By Pierce Brown Or Randomize By Andy Weir
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 007, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

If you want to focus on the Impossible, What About Your Friends? What about the rest of us? That’s what you are walking into this week. So you have nothing to complain about? B III’s new friend on the Rainbow Bridge. Yes, that’s the old poem about the afterlife for pets. Braxton’s Aunt? M Anime?

Saturday, I was talking to B’s Aunt, and she is literally living the story of Job from the Bible. I can only imagine what she is going through. And again, what are you doing, hmm?

What could you do even if you were there with her right now? What kind of a man are you? You’re the man who couldn’t save your son and kicked another out because… you’re gross.

You’re not one for Christ clearly or Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Morning Star By Pierce Brown Or Something smaller… Lazy Ass
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

But today being Sunday… Sigh. When I was young, a woman told me I would become a preacher someday. And besides the fact that Braxton Barks died on a Sunday…

Thinking about your friends, do you remember John 15:13? Hmm.

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

It is so much easier to die for your friends than to live and help them. You would have died for Braxton. And the fact that you would even consider it for his Aunt? M Anime? Even Cherry or Virgil… Must you be so creepy today? While you were watching LoveWolfVids. Why even bother thinking about Halloween? Survive E-Day First?

Braxton’s Aunt knows JSS… Just Survive Somehow. What about you? Still so selfish right now. And what will that lead to? Virgil, They’ll B Blood.

1281 Days Without B III, Day 722 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 031 ~Virgil’s Month To B~

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It’s the 1st of tha Month. And what do I have to show for it? Some new pictures? And they’re all not of Yabbos or the ones I want to see. Some old movies for a new story, with an even older habit. And getting a jump on being sad. Virgil’s Month To B.

Thursday, August 1, 2024

Meditation 031 ~Virgil’s Month To B~

1278 Days Without B III, Day 719 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Do you remember how long it would take to explain mine? Food, face plant, Fallout…

Here’s hoping. Explaining my existence… it’s like how the world comes to an end daily. A few things about that, Braxton. We both know when the world ended. Sunday, January 31, 2021, sometime between 3:30 and 4:00 PM. That should have been it for “US.”

Somehow, I’ve made it here. Today is Sunday, July 28, 2024. I just finished talking or “playing” with myself a few hours ago. Eww! I know. And you would do that stuff around your Aunt Augusta all the time. The only reason I got time was because it was raining.

So you know 2-V made a mess, and I sent him to your room. He can’t stand the rain, B.

Neither could during your time here. Our time together, Braxton.

Why am I so sad and sentimental at this time? I’m reasonably assured today sucks.

Braxton, what did I teach you about time travel? The first rule… DON’T! Then again, I gave you eternity, didn’t I? It’s my fault. But let’s focus on me and my other failures, not only those that sent you to your grave. It’s the “1st of tha Month.” July was the halfway point B III. Like not foreseeing your end, August offers me front-row seating to the oncoming second-worst day.

E-Day? That’s what woke me up to talk to you today. I had a nightmare about E-Day. And there was noise about Slaves to Passion. But that’s not for you. Neither was death or time travel. Still, I ask… What am I going to do?

Well, like most days, I hope that I’ll go in my sleep and I won’t have to reread this. That’s the only future I see most days. If only Virgil weren’t here. And that’s why you sent him here. To keep me from spoiling it all by saying something stupid like I love you. Ha!

My time following you… That’s not ending anytime soon. I’m letting you know I will worry about myself a lot more in the next couple of months; that’s all, Braxton. More like what my Olds, your grandparents will do with an almost forty-year-old bum. Yikes! Because I’m still sitting in this bed on a rainy afternoon with a conked-out Virgil preventing me from watching any Hent… Virgil’s Month To B

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 029 ~Virgil, Braxton, Stay Gold~

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Too much time and being lazy, you have a lot of time to watch movies about Gold. I can read about Golds. And in the case of The Outsiders, both. And what about love. Let me get from point A to point B. Cars cost money. But Virgil, Braxton, Stay Gold.

Tuesday, July 30, 2024

Meditation 029 ~Virgil, Braxton, Stay Gold~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? But “For the Love of Money,” I remain a traditionalist. A Man Provides. Stay Gold…

We don’t worry so much about our gold anymore. But today, Wednesday, July 24, 2024…

Well, I remember. Tomorrow is going to be a bad day. And we’re talking now because I bet Tuesday will be pretty horrible. And I shouldn’t say this, but you know how I am. Sigh.

Every day without my beloved Braxton Barks is a heavy burden. His absence weighs on me like the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head. I miss his presence, his barking, his warmth. He was a blessing in my life.

Why do you think I fell in love with you, angel…? And those pillows of yours, ha-ha! We have our rug rats. And Virgil’s soft.

I’m trying to be gentler with my head because of my heart… This is my heart, and it’s broken. Ironically, it was the softest thing in the world that broke it. Again, that’s my Braxton.

And I have you, our family, and even Virgil to help put it back together. But the price of all this, love, has been bothering me for the past few days. The sacrifices, the emotional toll, the fear of losing what I hold dear. Gold and existing. Always more gold.

No matter how much I make, I can’t stay here in our bed. I can’t lay my head in my lap forever or hold our kids in mine because they grow up. Braxton did. I always told him he would be as tall as a king someday. Make that a little God who I worship…

I sent my first love straight to Heaven, and now I want to build a Heaven for you, my love. Wow! That didn’t sound creepy at all. But you know what I mean, hopefully. Love?

Things have been so hard, heavy, and, dare I say, human. But I’m a man. And a man must be more when he has such great love, baby doll. I caught this ‘Traditional’ video that resonated with me, emphasizing the importance of love and responsibility.

They say with great power comes great responsibility. With love, you can say the same. It’s why those in my position… usually choose not to love. The price is too much. But love is priceless… I wish I could believe that like Braxton returning, which would be a miracle, or Virgil’s is his reincarnation. Innocent love. Virgil, Braxton, Stay Gold

1276 Days Without B III, Day 717 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 027 ~Braxton Lies Well Virgil~

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What has become my favorite lie? It’s a toss-up. Braxton isn’t gone when I hear Virgil doing whatever, but I can’t see him. And then there’s. Tomorrow will be better. Did you see my schedule this week? But I’ll survive. Braxton Lies Well Virgil.

Sunday, July 28, 2024

Meditation 027 ~Braxton Lies Well Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… Do you know why you can’t stand me? Because I open my mouth? Glasses? Getting myself o…

I think you’ll stick to being the MAN that took Braxton’s life. Your son, your best friend, the world. Are you done being sorry for feeling this way after it’s been 1674 days since his trip to the Rainbow Bridge?

And to think Braxton filled me with such courage before bed last night. I was reading Morning Star before turning out the lights. Coincidence? B hasn’t sent music but words:

And as we pretend to be brave, we become so.

Unless you want to die here, sack up and get moving.

Quiet, unremembered moments of cruelty.

Pain’s the universal language.

Pity is not forgiveness, nor is gratitude absolution.

How much better does he understand life than I do? (Morning Star)

You could go on. Braxton knows what you should hear. But me? I’m left again with these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING The Refraction of Mr. Saturn…?
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 007 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Braxton was or is easier to talk to. And Virgil? If anything, I’m amazed he lies so well. Do you mean he’s still lying at the foot of the bed? It’s one of the reasons you’re up now. No time for Hana Dorei (Flower Slave), a.k.a Slaves to Passion or Love Wolf Vids. Again, it’s because Virgil is lying here pretending to be someone else.

Braxton? He is his father’s son. Yesterday, as I was spending money I don’t have at the drive-thru, I thought. I’m a terrible liar. But B did it so well. Some of B III’s whoppers:

Daddy, I’m fine

I’m not hungry

We gon’ be alright

Ah! There’s the song for today. And Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Morning Star By Pierce Brown Or Something smaller… Lazy Ass
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 007, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

For years, Braxton sat at the feet of the Master, his friend, his father… you fool—and he learned to lie. This reminds me somewhat of Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars. Did you ever hear the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? Seriously? We’re doing this. Okay, buckle up. We talk about the truth saving us, right? But the truth when it comes to us…

Well, B didn’t want to hear the truth. And why not? Uh… Sickness, Euthanasia, Dying. Today, you sit here not wanting to hear the truth. Why not? Laziness, Inconvenience, Depression. Yeah, I was REALLY depressed last night. What because Virgil was here, and I had to read of space battles instead of artists having dirty… Anyway. Braxton Lies Well, Virgil

1274 Days Without B III, Day 715 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will