Tag: Broken

Meditation 255 ~MATH, Find B, V~

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I’m glad I didn’t have audiobooks in school… I would have been an even worse Math student. But I didn’t have Braxton back then, either. Only he would be sitting under my feet as I did the books. Who’d’a thunk it? It adds up. MATH, Find B, V

Thursday, March 13, 2025

Meditation 255 ~MATH, Find B, V~

1502 Days Without B III, Day 943 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? A good day would be worth dying for. “Everything, Everything”? I never read the book but I saw the movie. Your aunt would like it.

But money for the movies… Once upon a time, Braxton, I would be cheering $200.00.

Arithmetic, sigh, was never my strong suit. But I had plans for that money, Braxton. Seriously, am I crying again? It’s only a tear or two. I remember that $600.00 was spent on COVID relief. Most of that went towards testing to figure out what was wrong with you back then. In English… Because I can’t stand Math. You were dying. But who gives a damn about the money! I’d have paid anything to save you. Or a final feast.

However, what brings us together today? It’s Monday, March 3, 2025. I’m trying to find X. No! Let’s focus on you. What would you like, B? To be with me?

$200.00 split three-ways would be $66.50 for you, $66.50 for Virgil, and $67.00 for me. Braxton, Brother My Brother. Again, I had plans for us, the world, and everything. Really? But you’ve been gone four long years, so what can I get you? Birthday, Death Day, and Christmas, so at least twelve toys. Then, everything for your memorial. Effing shrine…

What does Virgil want? I keep thinking about a crate. I want a place for him to feel safe and at home… Now, that’s the keyword Braxton. HOME. Where might that be, my B III?

“If the money is lousy
You can always come home.”
Everyone Says ‘Hi’ (Defiance Version)

“I wish I was
Homeward bound
Home where my thought’s escapin’
Home where my music’s playin’
Home where my love lies waitin’.”
― Homeward Bound

And how much is it worth to you? How much was it again to bring Virgil here, and then what? The Math ain’t Mathing. Three days, weeks, months. 943 Days.

And $67.00 won’t pay for therapy since I’ve been this way for 1502 Days. And by the time you read this, I expect the money will be gone. But on what you ask? My firstborn son. What’s a month’s or a year’s worth on the Balance App? Meditation could help.

Only I have your Infinite Playlist… and what about more audiobooks and some fancy earbuds? I’m still jonesing for a good steak. And if it’s not filling my belly, it’s filling something else… Eww! But I am looking for X, or rather three of them. There’s always a girl somewhere. M Anime in her lingerie. That was a pretty penny. But I have good boys. Virgil’s trying. I’m spending time, money… MATH, Find B, V.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 253 ~Braxton, Virgil, Pop Off~

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A day in bed. If I’m not crying, sweating in fear, sickness, or spilling High-fructose PORN syrup. I need to throw a lot in the wash. Anyway, I don’t want to overflow or explode. But B’s in my ear, and V’s running all over. “Braxton, Virgil, Pop Off”

Tuesday, March 11, 2025

Meditation 253 ~Braxton, Virgil, Pop Off~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? I promise to smile. A man provides. And what’s this in my pants for you…

I’m being a creep. Husband or not, right? But what else can I be? I’m in the mood one minute. And the next… Well, I’ve only cried for Braxton once today. And I haven’t even given Virgil a chance these past few days. You know his madness in running everywhere.

Or should I say manic? Virgil’s mania? It beats my depression. Is it even fair to call it that anymore? Prolonged Grief… It’s been 1500 days. I can’t remember my last day without saying his name. And yes, I’ve been focused on Virgil Vivi’s fears for a few days. SIGH.

We’ll get to that. But my sadness is as obsessive, pervasive, and quintessential—my love.

I am yours, our children’s, my Braxton’s, and my own.

I am afraid. I tell my Braxton that. Whenever I speak with him, wherever he is. The Rainbow Bridge? Anyway, I use that line from the film Spontaneous. It feels like I’m dying, and I’m so scared all the time. Can you imagine it, sweet baby doll? What scares me?

Other than the fact that you won’t get “my” jokes, like things you can say about your dog but not your girlfriend/wife. Whenever I decide to be funny. Laughter terrifies.

There’s the fear to love as much as I did when Braxton was here. My firstborn son fought to the last second not to leave me. You have a choice. And there’s our children, always.

Someday, I fear I’ll love myself. We might never meet…

Or at least I might be stuck here all alone, drooling over Cherry’s Yabbos. Or I’d be jealous of M Anime’s paramours. There’s listening to the Hannah K “admirers…” Brunettes.

Baby girl, you know, much like Christian Grey, I’m a sucker for brunettes. And some girls with dark hair or different… Am I A Psycho? I’m a man that loves you. And I am trying. I want you to know that my love for you is unwavering, and I am committed to making this work.

Just like when I would hold Braxton, and I’d calm myself—defusing a bomb, beloved.

Every day, it’s putting on the clown mask so our kids don’t see their Dad for the human I am… At best. And why they exist. The things I’ll do to you, their lovely mother.

However, Braxton’s gone, and Virgil’s running somewhere…Braxton, Virgil, Pop Off

1500 Days Without B III, Day 941 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 251 ~Braxton Had Time, Virgil~

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I had a week to myself. What have I done with the time? I need to talk to M Anime… She won’t be B and V’s stepmom… SIGH. “Nightmare At The Meat Market” is over 50,000 words, but I’m not done. But plenty of time for Animation. Braxton Had Time, Virgil

Sunday, March 9, 2025

Meditation 251 ~Braxton Had Time, Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And do you know what I see? At best, an old man. I’m not shooting for OnlyFans…

“I see pride. I see Power. I see a badass mother who don’t take no crap of nobody.”
Cool Runnings

True story and all. I’m not a fan of the movie Cool Runnings. But that line has always stuck with me. Or should I say you? Honestly, you don’t have to look in the mirror this morning. It’s time that’s beating you. And did I mention you were beating… nevermind.

If you could only beat time like other parts of your anatomy. Yeah, that part. You swear you don’t have time. But somewhere between one and three this morning, what were you up to? Eww! Whoever on X/Twitter decided to feature Tsubaki Miyajima, so naturally…

Yeah, yeah, I’m hopeless! I posted Tsubaki’s video with her lovely daughter and then returned to bed. If only Braxton were here. And what about Virgil? Oh, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Bikini Sunset: An Unconventional Romance
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Isn’t making time an Impossible Thing. Most days, I would PRAY to have B’s strength.

But today, you ask for Braxton’s courage and, most importantly, his time. How long was he gone before finding Virgil Vivi? 559 Days, if memory serves. And with that time…

There were three books, at least. Two of them you wrote for Braxton and yesterday… Slothfulness. It’s an easier sin to admit to than ending Braxton. That’s the only sin I regret passing on to you. It’s 8:36 AM… Excuse me, 9:36 AM. And of the Seven Deadly Sins, you’ve already committed four: Lust, Sloth, Envy, and Wrath. Where do you find the time, you wonder? And don’t you need to do some food shopping? Gluttony? Please! Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Life After Pet Loss: Coping with the… by Lynnlee Hunt
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 002, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

While you’re thinking about being a proud black man. Martin Luther King Jr. once said:

“The time is always right to do the right thing.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

You could live with being a good father to Virgil. And if Life After Pet Loss has it right, you were/are a good father to Braxton. But you still remember that your boy, your son…

Braxton Barks Bradford fought for every second of life. He wouldn’t even let you bring him water. B walked down the hall to his room and drank his water. And in that same hall, I’ve been spending time trying to teach Virgil that he doesn’t have to run all manic.

Except for last night, when I carried him to bed. Can’t spend all night kneeling to him, God, or Tsubaki Miyajima. Braxton Had Time, Virgil

1498 Days Without B III, Day 939 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 248 ~B Excited Someday Virgil~

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Chains and whips excite me… Well, it’s more like chains, ropes, scarves, and a big enough (boulder holder) to hold a wrist. But I’d give it all up to have B on his leash again. Or for my old glasses… Yesterday was exciting… “B Excited Someday Virgil”

Thursday, March 6, 2025

Meditation 248 ~B Excited Someday Virgil~

1495 Days Without B III, Day 936 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? My day is only beginning, and I’m already disappointed. But I’m not crying… Not yet.

Excited? Only when I’m scared. When I’m being scary or amid a sin, but what am I afraid of today? Other than that, I live in a world without my protector. Where are you, Braxton?

I’ve been saying that a lot these days, B; I live in a world, fill in the blank. Because, oh no, the world is a scary place. I’m sure I scared you plenty. But not to death. I don’t think.

Anyway, I do miss your eyes. Hell! I miss my eyes this morning. The last thing I want is to get out of bed and look at myself in the mirror. Especially after what happened yesterday… The day before. As long as I’m blindly giving away $55.00. Effing new glasses!

I would pay anything to have you back, my prince. But God’s Favorite Princess… slightly less. If Cherry ever agreed to show me her Yabbos… But I respect her… Anyway…

Yesterday, Braxton, I was busy trying to be scary. Maybe even a Karen. The excitement all started when I got a message about the new frames for my glasses. My first pair broke, which hurt because they were the last you saw me in. Then I got the brown ones in memory of you… somewhat. Yesterday, MyEyeDr broke those. And so I was in their office, yelling about getting a complimentary frame. I don’t like being angry or an ass. But they pushed me B.

Only everything was not awesome yesterday, and I was excited when it was all over.

Speaking of all over, I’m glad I didn’t… all over my sheets. I know. Eww! But that was more of a financial decision than one of testicular fortitude. I’m all for God’s Favorite Princess @Luxlo, but she isn’t your stepmom. M Anime? I haven’t heard from her in a bit.

And again, if it were Cherry… But I’m not thinking of her. More like I can’t get excited over her as Virgil is now lying at the foot of the bed. Excited, expecting, entertained, ha! All Virgil knows is when I return, or he steps into the room, life is… something. You were excited because your life is/was good with me in it. Maybe V or someone will feel that.

Me? B Excited Someday Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 246 ~Braxton’s Trust In V…~

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In God We Trust. No! But money talks to “God’s Favorite Princess”. Would I talk to her if I had a wife and kids? I got Braxton and Virgil, who have $66.50 each. Me? $39.00 for covered Yabbos. How did B live with my finances? Braxton’s Trust In V

Tuesday, March 4, 2025

Meditation 246 ~Braxton’s Trust In V…~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? And I’ll love you even more in 5, 4, 3, 2… Time to love. Price?

Love can’t tell time. Love comes with no price tag. One day, it’s standing on my bed covered in syrupy goodness, showing me that the additional sausages aren’t real meat…

One of my best memories of Braxton. “Shoulda took a picture, Something I could keep. Buy a little frame, something cheap.” And no, I’m not crying as I remember, love.

Honestly, you wouldn’t mind. If it wasn’t for the love of my firstborn son… My trust in him. Honestly, it’s only something in my eye. I’ve told you the reasons I call Braxton pancake. One of them was after B ate my waffles. So I put my pancakes up high so Braxton couldn’t reach them. My mom said, “You sure love pancakes.” Then there’s you.

When I say, “I love you like pancakes.” Trust me, my love that is LOVE. Because I didn’t think I could love anything or anyone like I loved my son. You, our children, and Virgil.

Don’t I count Virgil Vivi as my son? I would share my pancakes with him if I wasn’t spending money like it’s going out of style. And what is that line from The Walking Dead?

Something to the tune of, When I was pouring the Bisquick, I was trying to make pancakes, ha-ha. And we made some good pancakes, or can I just call them the kids, like Braxton and Virgil. Only our two-legged children have trust funds. Daddy’s spending…

No matter how much money we have, I want more.

Because while “Lovin’ is what I got.” Loving you, our kids… yes, Virgil too. Braxton… Always and forever, I will remember you, I tell him with every beat of my heart. I swear, my love, even when I can’t get the words out. Quiet love is quite a love. Because…

Somehow, someday, the Man in the Mirror might think that a tiny bit of This Love, This Year’s Love, applies to him. That’s why I go back and forth between how loud… And how quiet love can be. And then it’s those in-between times… When Virgil Vivi is sound asleep.

When I need to watch God’s Favorite Princess @luxlo. Or when I finally breathe, dearest. To be here now… in love. Braxton’s Trust In V…

1493 Days Without B III, Day 934 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 244 ~Mice, Men, Braxton, Virgil~

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Something went awry forty years ago when my Ma made her biggest life mistake. Quite awry four years ago when I watched my firstborn die. And this morning’s plans. Reading about harems, posting sexy cosplay, my writing… Mice, Men, Braxton, Virgil

Sunday, March 2, 2025

Meditation 244 ~Mice, Men, Braxton, Virgil~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… Do you have a plan? STAY ALIVE! For Braxton, for Virgil. And there are dragons to slay.

Or rather, “Never feel sorry for raising dragon slayers in a time when there are actual dragons.” That sounds like something you might tell two-legged daughters. But instead, you have four-legged sons. Well, B flies amongst the clouds. And V is still finding his paws.

How did we get here? Had I known how to save a life, things would be different, better, or anything other than this, but let’s talk about the worst plan I ever made. And yours.

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”
Robert Burns, To a Mouse

Four years ago, Braxton became ill. And after a difficult week at the Day Job, on Friday, January 29, 2021, I took Braxton to the doctor and got the news. On that Sunday, B died.

What did I do? Nothing! Compared to Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Satan’s Sorority Girls 9 ―
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 001, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

This was my plan for the week and your plan for next week, DUH. So if I might give you some advice… First, you know the definition of insanity. It’s doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, so THEY say. So what will you do?

There’s a method to the madness… For example, if you had twelve disciples… He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus. You would have six women and five men, and Braxton would make twelve. But there are seven days, and you tend to run things more like a harem. Four women: Dear Future Wife, Inspector Echo, the Ladies Sophia, and Lunalesca.

There’s Braxton’s speaking. You speak, then talk to yourself. Too busy for Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Bikini Sunset: An Unconventional Romance
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Don’t you wish? While you have no plans in the Bible, it says, “Your old men will dream dreams.” Well, you’re older than me now by about nine hours. So what was your dream, hmm? Or should I still say my dream since it happened last night? Talk about violence:

Anyway, last night I was in Squid Game, and the game had me jumping from planet to planet and floating to What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong. I imagine I lost the game because next, I’m in the Day Job breakroom being shot by The Frontman in the back. But I survived because I was wearing a bulletproof vest. Still, I was put in one of the crematoria ovens, but I wasn’t burned. Instead, I was dropped into a dark room where a firefight was being waged. A possible escape attempt was going on? I’m still in the green uniform. Then I’m given a gun, and I start fighting. There’s a building across from us, and I spot a sniper because of a green sight on the weapon. I dodge, but five more appear on my body, and I have no idea how to avoid them. And that’s where the dream ended. Oh my!

Don’t let your only plan be to do nothing. Like dinner? $200 refund? And there’s Virgil. Mice, Men, Braxton, Virgil.

1491 Days Without B III, Day 932 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 241 ~Virgil’s Scared To B…~

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Last week, I told my son about being Safe and Sound. This week, I’m scared more now than ever. What about his little brother? He’s scared of his shadow… And of me… What have I done? Nothing. When there’s so much that scares you. Virgil’s Scared To B.

Thursday, February 27, 2025

Meditation 241 ~Virgil’s Scared To B…~

1488 Days Without B III, Day 929 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I didn’t get paid today, so I’m scared. But I’m alive, mathematically inclined, and more.

I am and will always be your father. But if I can only remember how, as I was telling the Man In The Mirror today, Sunday, February 23, 2025, after the 15th, things were meant to be getting better. For who, me? To think I was so scared for myself like I knew terror B.

I didn’t know FEAR until the veterinarian told me you were dying and there was nothing that could be done. And for two days… maybe… Friday afternoon, Saturday to Sunday.

“Stuff is getting better; stuff is getting better every day.”

That’s right out of the 1997 film The Postman. There was so much to be afraid of. I was scared of losing you. That God wasn’t listening. There could be a miracle I couldn’t afford.

And now I’m crying again…

It beats hiding in the bathroom or beating… something… Eww! Braxton, I watched you play with your toys all the time. And I asked you not to do that in front of your Aunt. Ha!

Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll lose the good memories of you. Or only the darkest echo.

B III, I need those memories more than ever. Anticipatory Grief, they call it. Right?

More like Anticipatory Screams waiting for the next horrible thing to happen to me, B.

Today, who knows? Sitting here at the Dining Room table, a part of the fence outside could fall. I read about Joy Reid getting effed by MSNBC. I’m contemplating something that happened in October 2024. Thanks, Norton, for making me remember what FEAR tastes like!

And what about Virgil? If B is for bravery, then V is for very scared. I swear I’ve never seen such a scared fur buddy. When you looked at me, I was the hero of the horror movie, and you trusted me to save you. I’m crying a lot today, Braxton. Seriously, I’ll quit it.

But with Virgil, at best, I’m a corpse, the walking dead, a ghost. Depression is a sickness, Braxton. But FEAR is worse. And in saying that, Virgil could see me as a villain. Why not?

What do I fear the most? There was losing you? Everyone, seeing the monster I am. And then there’s ignorance. To know I should be afraid, but what? Living, dying? Myself? Virgil’s Scared To B…

“I’d rather be afraid!” ― Casey from The Faculty (1998)

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 239 ~Lawn Night B, V~

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So one day, I’ll say the Neighbors Know My Name, and my wife will issue an apology. Ha-Ha! Or V will be having too much fun outside. Or my kids will come running before the street lights come on. Or I’ll become handier fixing things. Lawn Night B, V.

Tuesday, February 25, 2025

Meditation 239 ~Lawn Night B, V~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? Always and forever. But no, I’m not that old yet; confusing lawn and long, love.

It’s just my kids are out there. Our kids? But I will always love my lost little Braxton. And Virgil’s here… Nothing will spirit him away in the night. Am I old enough to tell kids to get off my lawn yet? With our billions, I intend to have security. I promised Braxton a yard so big a long time ago, my dear baby doll.

Virgil will someday guard it. If he’s anything like my firstborn son. He’ll be by my side as our two-legged progeny head out on first dates, to proms, and graduations. They will always have a home to return to everywhere they go. Sometimes, I forget about words like home. It means I want to be a better man, my love. After B and V… ha

I may not be the funniest or the handiest, but I am here for you in every way I can be my sweet baby doll.

This is why I’m standing out in the yard at 10 PM waiting for the repair guy, and I’m mad as Hell. I can think of other ways to spend our nights… If you catch my drift. Don’t worry; I’m getting to that. But allow me to be scared for the moment. I was afraid all of last week, and this one isn’t looking any better. It’s like going out drinking, clubbing, or some other nonsense. And I’ve had some bad nights, my love. And I survived. But why? I’m scared because I want to provide the best for us, and sometimes, I’m unsure if I’m doing enough. I try…

To create the Garden of Eden for you? You married me, so there isn’t much an apple can do. And as far as a serpent… I’m writing about mine or reading about Robyn with Grayson’s.

Agatha, Tasha, Julia, Fiona, Chrissy, Willow etc. Grayson has quite the harem in Satan’s Sorority Girls. I was reading #9. And speaking of what I’m reading, there is a book by Tillie Cole called Sick F*X. If I weren’t waiting for someone not worth our cash, I’d love to take you to the song “Dusk Till Dawn.” One of my favorite scenes of Tillie Cole’s…

Exhibitionism? Or relatively the risk of it. We could cuddle together on the beach, love. Right now? I would rather be in bed with you listening to The Quiet Storm now that I’m a grown man and know what that music means. All to wake up with you and listen to apocalyptic oldies. But tonight’s long. Lawn Night B, V

1486 Days Without B III, Day 927 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 237 ~Bury B, Belly V~

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I’m full of IT. But what IT is changes daily. This morning, IT was the spirit of FEAR. And while I am not a religious person, I remember singing God has not given us the spirit of fear. But my Little God died with an empty belly. Bury B, Belly V

Sunday, February 23, 2025

Meditation 237 ~Bury B, Belly V~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… Open your eyes. Ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is strength. Deceiving, Dangerous, and disgusting words. So what’s worse?

You… You’re sorry to start the new week off so harshly. But with the way last week went, and here you are today. THEY say when the going gets tough, the tough get going. Right?

But not you. No! You look to what you have already survived, and upon seeing this, you float along. But it doesn’t stop your stomach from dropping. The horror, the horror, my friend. And there are much better books than “Heart of Darkness.” Are you going to compare Joseph Conrad to Eric Vall? Really!? For the last few days, it’s been all FEAR. Too Much!

It feels like you jinxed yourself. Starting on the 15th, things were supposed to get better. Somehow, someway. But looking at these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING A Season of Giving Harem University Book 4, Dirk Knight
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 001, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Doesn’t it make you sick? You’re sick, but not because of these things. It’s the more you know. And last week, that consisted of three things. Comedy comes in threes, so THEY say. And none of those had you rushing off to the bathroom. And today’s energy shot isn’t helping things. But what did you know? You’re wasting the week. Why? Because you’re alive, and B is gone. You’re not blaming him. Your son stopped eating. And you… Well, you can’t keep anything good down. Food in your belly, 2-V off the bed, etc., etc.

Only the bad things… The monster in your pants, dirty words in search bars. Keywords.

The dead rising isn’t good. Especially when you don’t look a thing like Jesus. Could he accomplish Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Satan’s Sorority Girls 9 ―
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Life Story
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 001, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

I think he had greater concerns than yours. But what if he had a dog? Jesus had twelve dudes and a Naughty Girl. Are you listening to Beyoncé? Anything beats the beeps and boops, your bare feet hitting the floor, or busting on Cherry’s Yabbos. And M Anime got the outfit you sent her Yesterday. And now it’s The Beatles. What is wrong with you?

You’re not you when you’re hungry. But what about when you’re scared like you are. Fear comes in flavors, and none of them are good. And I understand I ain’t helping. I’d tell you to eat something, drink your water, and down a painkiller. Still, you wonder why… Braxton, Virgil, you? Bury B, Belly V

1484 Days Without B III, Day 925 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 234 ~We’ll B Safe, Virgil~

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Braxton left me Safe and Sound… somewhat. My son saw me through the first Trump Presidency. And by the looks of things Virgil may become my “Dogmeat” leading me through the wasteland/commonwealth. But first, today. We’ll B Safe, Virgil

Thursday, February 20, 2025

Meditation 234 ~We’ll B Safe, Virgil~

1481 Days Without B III, Day 922 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? What about a Lovely Day where Everything Is Awesome, without any Dumb Ways to Die?

Old age… Getting older wasn’t SAFE, Braxton. I wish I had told you that before.

“Immortality, take it, it’s yours!”

Immortal, that’s what you are. Well, according to me. It’s what you were supposed to be, Baby B. Did you even understand what was happening when your time came, Braxton?

All you wanted me to do was stop crying, which I am now. Because of you and what today’s about. What, am I giving life lessons now? Don’t people have visions and dreams? Dreams… When they’re hungry? I’m fasting, but not on purpose, so I must go out today. Sigh.

Before it’s not SAFE… There it is, Braxton. I don’t feel SAFE. I haven’t felt SAFE for the longest time, but yesterday pointed it out to me. The effing Wi-Fi!

What about the effing floor, sink, back porch, phone, bank account… Don’t Stop Me Now. Maybe if I go crazy, I’ll gain the courage to do something about it; that ain’t safe. I wouldn’t be joining you then if I went to Hell. For all I know, you’ve usurped Cerberus.

You protected me, Braxton. You kept me safe. And what about your little brother Virgil?

Again, the fact that he’s here means I’m still breathing; I’m Alive. Virgil is a miracle, I know, Braxton. Didn’t you ask me to acknowledge him? And yet, that’s one more reason I’m losing myself to the music today. Your music. Braxton’s Infinite Playlist. Awesome!

Because the world isn’t awesome, I don’t feel safe anymore. Rockwell said Somebody’s Watching Me. It’s like you’re still here, Braxton, watching over me. Right?

How many musical references is that? Eight? It’s confusing, Braxton. I don’t want to hear the phone alerting me to losing more money. Or that the battery’s dying. Wi-Fi… I don’t want to listen to the house crumbling all around me. Your home… Virgil’s running.

At the same time, I want the silence of sleep. The way my breath catches when I’m doing things, I hope you’re not watching from… Wherever you are. If I have food and water, I’m not talking to myself. But the truth is B, I don’t feel in charge. And V doesn’t feel SAFE. And he’s a reflection of me. If only I had a SAFE filled with cash… If only I wrote a book.
Finished? We’ll B Safe, Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad