Tag: Hell

Meditation 008 ~B MOODS Mountains Virgil~

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I’ve been in a bad mood. Define bad mood. Crying, fighting, effing around. All the above, but then again, so is Braxton. And some girl that can’t hear me cause “She’s So High,” high above me. Braxton, hogging the angels. B MOODS Mountains Virgil

Tuesday, July 9, 2024

Meditation 008 ~B MOODS Mountains Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? And to “make you feel my love.” I’m already singing. I’m trying to calm down.

Would you rather I leave it to Braxton? If only my firstborn were here. But Braxton himself isn’t a mood. He’s a lifestyle. Braxton gave me another meaning to existence.

Lover, I’m not Prince Hector. But like any man should, I hold dear to my heart certain morals, ideals, and a code that guides me in life. I can’t say I’m mad at Hector’s personal creed. Indeed, meaning to… ‘life’ (shudders a bit). But these values make me who I am. And I want you to understand and accept them.

“All my life, I’ve lived by a code, and the code is simple: honor the gods, love your woman, and defend your country.” Prince Hector

As for myself, I can tell you three things about being a man: a husband and a dad. I try:

Seek out a kingdom worthy of your soul. From Reign
A man provides. Breaking Bad
Be the person my dog… my son, thinks I am.

And Suddenly, I’m inspired. Do I feel better yet? Again, I’m still trying, my love.

Is it wrong to compare you? Not to other women. With the businesses I manage…

Another moral I have is this. I wanted a woman that could make me feel just so… That I wouldn’t want her on film. You’re for my eyes alone. Though, um? We can talk about…

Anyway, I would return some days, and Braxton would have me rest my head as he put on his security cap and watched me sleep. I couldn’t clench my fists if I were too busy feeding him French fries or petting his fur. After washing my hands… Day Job. And it was difficult to jump in fear or do something stupid (like taking off my pants)… If Braxton hung around.

Women and my little boy.

Thanks to you, my lovely wife, I have a couple of little boys and girls. Our family. I was telling Madam Justice the other day about having gratitude. Apparently, I can’t hear myself because I am trying. But it’s hard… Well, I do have you, after all. You are the light of my life, and I am so grateful for you, my lady, my love.

Baby Girl, I could tell you precisely what I’m in the mood for and… I expect too much from you. And you could ask anything of me. Well, short of leaving the mood, Braxton left.

There are some other things, too. But wanting you, loving us, and needing…, everything and more. If I can only remember where I was when Braxton was around. In Trouble…

Now that’s a better mood. Always. B MOODS Mountains Virgil

1255 Days Without B III, Day 696 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 007 ~Allowed To Hate Your Birthday~

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I’m sure I’ll regret writing this about E-Day. I regret waking up today. And I can hear all my motivations talk about gratitude. 39 years? Well, Braxton was here for fifteen. And his loss trumps E-Day by a mile? But… Allowed To Hate Your Birthday

Monday, July 8, 2024

Meditation 007 ~Allowed To Hate Your Birthday~

Three-Hundredth And Fifty-First Rule

Madam Justice
Rules are made to be broken… But not this one. No! Never! I’m approaching FORTY! What a world? Waste? Why? But not today!

Madam, today isn’t even today. It’s Thursday, June 27, 2024. Will I ever stop lying? Madam, my Existence ended on Sunday, January 31, 2021. That’s the day I “joined my son.” Braxton passed away in his bed at the vet’s. Here I go, crying again. But I rather have the pain of my son’s life ending. Than that of my Existence beginning. So am I saying I’ll take the greater pain? In dog years… yes. That entire week was bad. But it’s not like this week has been any better. But again, I’ll always start with Braxton. He deserves it.

Madam, I remember the day I got my son back… in a box. Uh! And what about my Braxton’s birthday? February 13? A made-up day…

Like, I wish the word “birthday” was only made up? I swear! I have a list of words that don’t mean anything to me. Happy, Home, Birthday… I’m telling you I’m going to quit saying that regarding me. For me, it’s E-Day. Emergence, Existence, and if I ever get lucky…

Extinction. But we’ll get to that. Emergence is what matters. But no, I’m not one of those political types. Yes, I have views. But allow me to be selfish and think only about myself. AHEM…

Madam, I HATE EMERGENCE DAY!

Twenty-one years with nothing to show. Fifteen more? Well, I was Braxton’s Dad, for sure. And how did that turn out for him? And every other day, Madam. Inevitable, Imaginable.

I watched Braxton die! Unimaginable.

Please, King Kong, ain’t got nothing on me or my son. But still, I shut my eyes because tomorrow… What about today? I’m talking to you now because of the horrors this day will bring. It’s hard existing through that. Instead of embracing oncoming horrors…

Madam, I dwell on the worst moments. I survived my son’s loss and my becoming. Whatever doesn’t finish you makes you stronger. But I’m not, Madam. There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think about joining my boy. However, now I have Virgil.

Everyone calls it Gotcha Day, and that’s coming up soon. The only thing that would change about “my” rule would be to name Braxton’s loss the most hated day ever.

Allowed To Hate Your Birthday

“A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys” ― Andrew Ryan, Bioshock

1254 Days Without B III, Day 695 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 003 ~That’ll B No, Virgil~

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No, I can’t stop; whatever this is? Whether adding another 300 words to a nightmare, someone told me about. Or no, I don’t want to go to work. I don’t work tomorrow. Or no, we are less free now. And Braxton coming back. That’ll B No, Virgil

Thursday, July 4, 2024

Meditation 003 ~That’ll B No, Virgil~

1250 Days Without B III, Day 691 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’m sure your Heaven wouldn’t include fireworks. Or your Hell. I’ve been reading about Cerbie.

You know, as in Cerberus. And what about Virgil? Hell, what about you, Braxton? Sigh…

Love is a long, long road. My boys, my books, and some girl’s boo… Yabbos. This week has had plenty. And here we are… Uh, more like, here I am, B III. This Independence Day…

Well, at least you have your freedom. And what about mine? I always figured as I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved. Yes, I know you still do from wherever you are. Anyway, you were supposed to be my apocalypse survivor buddy. And if E-Day doesn’t end me… Eww! I’ll have bigger fish to fry. Are you still wondering why I would rather join you, Braxton, with everything happening? This Is America.

Yeah! There are better places to be right now. But there are also much worse. And no, I don’t want to talk about me. You see it all, don’t you? And Virgil has to live it. Poor little Virgil, B.

Only I’m too busy saying NO to everything, like being a good dad, for starters. Braxton, I’m trying to stop speaking so badly about myself. And Virgil… One of the first words out of my mouth today was, no. He was outside for twenty minutes and still decided to use the training pad. Maybe if I wasn’t saying no to trying to clean the backyard. But again, this week was hard. Look at my paycheck from last week… Twenty-Eight dollars.

And what did I do?

I said no to more hours at the Day Job. Why? Because I’m so busy trying to be a writer?

I said no to OnlyFans. So what am I on… Day Three. It’s not that you need to know that.

But it’s surprising because I said no to ignoring M Anime’s nightmare. She wrote around 1000 words. And I’m approaching 2400 words in my rewrites and edits. A horror story

No means no, but you know me and dark stories. And what could be darker than the ones involving burying fur buddies? I’ve been saying no to reading those, too. And I say, “No, I won’t give up my grief.” But no, I can’t join you either. Living? Tell me why? That’ll B No, Virgil

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 002 ~B In BBWS, Virgil~

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My Braxton was barely six pounds at his passing. I never knew grief could be so big until the ocean I cried for him. My rage would show there was no more room in Hell. And desire for release… Stars, Skinny Minnie’s, some Big’Uns. “B In BBWS, Virgil.”

Wednesday, July 3, 2024

Meditation 002 ~B In BBWS, Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned, Inspector, in ways that may seem RUDE, SKEEVY, and unforgivable. My greatest sin, the one that haunts me even today, I lay bare before you. Accept it, for I am burdened with guilt.

Never! On the second day of a new writing year, I cannot choose ACCEPTANCE of my darkest sin. I wouldn’t on Sunday, January 31, 2021. And as I can’t do this Sunday, June 23, 2024. This pattern of denial has become a sin unto itself.

Well, I’m sure I have Humiliations Galore. But I rather not imagine them. I want to avoid rereading what led me to create this platform in the first place. I told the “Man In The Mirror” that I didn’t want to fail in putting out “my” poetry book, GULP. Seeing as how I have a week to prepare. If I only had a week with Braxton when he got sick… If I would have known.

Inspector, do you know I was practicing “abstinence” even before I found out about B?

Yeah, let’s go with that.

When Braxton was around, I wasn’t much for women. His presence was so strong, so clinging, especially in those final days. But I wasn’t UP for watching pairs of Yabbos. I was protecting my son from one thing but overlooked his actual danger. And so I failed as a father. And as a man, saving him. The regret is overwhelming.

So, I’ve been sitting here, trying to deny myself ‘self-fulfillment.’ “Do or do not. There is no try.” But it’s a constant struggle. It feels like a fitting punishment for my sins but also a source of deep personal conflict.

I remember I went 161 days without until, well, uh…

As the song goes, “I’m rich BLANK, I’m a BLANK Big Tymer.” I’m greedy! Selfish!

Inspector Echo, I never saw myself as one who would idolize Scarface’s stance on things.

“Me, I want what’s coming to me. The world, chico, and everything in it.”
Scarface

Wanting a specific size of woman is only another symptom of that… I’m equal opportunity with girls, as you know. But I’ve been thinking a lot. Oh! I’m not writing.

I lost control of my desires when a blonde celebrity, whose name I’d rather not mention, rubbed her legs during an interview. Today, I watched an Asian woman with the nicest Yabbos I’ve seen in some time, Inspector. These encounters, with particular anime, “Fake Driving School,” along with thoughts of Cherry, have tested my self-control.

But the critic doesn’t like that. My grief is an ocean. My rage encompasses Hell. Desires? B In BBWS, Virgil

1249 Days Without B III, Day 690 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 001 ~Virgil, That’ll B New~

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Meditations? Really? More like complaining, crying, and talking about my… Uh, here we are in another year. I remember why I started eight years ago… somewhat. Now? Has anything changed? B III’s been gone longer. And the title. Virgil, That’ll B New

Tuesday, July 2, 2024

Meditation 001 ~Virgil, That’ll B New~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? New year and all! Into the future! My love for you, family, my firstborn son…

It’ll be greater now than from where I am, Saturday, June 22, 2024. Meditations huh? Love, it’s easier in the past and the future, but what about today? I’m halfway tempted to turn on a little Luther Vandross “Here And Now.” A pledge, promise, proposal…

Braxton didn’t need any of that. How many times have I told this story? The one about my Olds moving to the new house, and I told Braxton to get in the car. That’s that!

Virgil, our new furry companion, will do that someday, and then you’ll break out all Giselle-like with, “That’s How You Know.” Well, not if I keep this up… Choosing my boys over you. Correction, Braxton, my firstborn. Because if I ever feel the same way about Virgil as I do about Braxton. It’d be new.

This is not how I wanted to start the new year with you, my love. But still 2022, 2023, 2024. And crying over my B is nothing new. Living in music. The sadness, sorries, selfishness.

Braxton is gone. Virgil is the new fur buddy. You are more beautiful. Our children grow bigger and stronger. But as for myself? When you met me, I was one man. And since I would never ever abandon my family… the one we built together. I’ll be a new man.

Someday. But it’s the present that’s giving me the most trouble. To explain it… Honestly.

Beloved, it’s the number of letters between B – V. My Braxton and Virgil. Alphabetically.

It’s the distance between PetSmart’s front door and Banfield Pet Hospital in the back. Ok.

How about it’s the length from the tip to the base… Eww! But at least you know I still want you, love. Always and forever. “The Closer I Get To You,” Baby Girl, “My Love.”

Sigh, it would be something new if I could speak to you without a piece of monologue like Sheldon Cooper used on Amy Farrah Fowler in The Big Bang Theory. If I could quit the movie lines and the music. You know me too well.

“I need you now. I need you more than ever before, before. I know the man I am is not who I should be.” Dance On Our Graves, Paper Route

Instead of waking up to the old world and expecting Braxton to be here, how about I wake up to the new world—the new existence that I promised not only my son but you?

To be a man of Meditations, not grief? To be a man who meditates on the present and the future, not dwelling on the past. Braxton’s loss. To Live? That’s new. Virgil, That’ll B New

1248 Days Without B III, Day 689 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 366 ~Happiness On Anyday But Birth~

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Eight years. Around three and a half of them without my Braxton. And that’s what I remember. But of the eight years, were any of them Happy? Maybe I should have named Virgil that. But E-Day is coming up in a few months. Happiness On Anyday But Birth.

Monday, July 1, 2024

Tale 366 ~Happiness On Anyday But Birth~

Three-Hundredth And Fiftieth Rule

Madam Justice
Rules are made to be broken… Along with some ideas. Like finding happiness at all. In Lessons, Episodes, Logs, Gospels, Chronicles, Sagas, Tales…

Tomorrow will mark the eighth year of what, you may ask? Well, a little over a week from now since today is Friday, June 21, 2024. And I can’t remember why I even started. Nor do I want to, Madam.

But for you, Lesson 001 ~Look Who Grossed Up~ Eww!

Think of happier days? Now, Madam, you know that’s not how I operate. The rule we need to discuss was “adopted” on Saturday, September 8, 2018. Please don’t remind me…

Yet I remember the day my Braxton passed away. That was Sunday, January 31, 2021.

But a happy day? There have been good days and bad. When’s been the last day, I didn’t think, “Why not join Braxton?” And seeing how we’re talking today, you know Monday’s been… pretty effed?

Anyway, Braxton loves me. So that Saturday, August 13, 2022, when I found Little Virgil… I’m sure it made Braxton happy because it meant I wouldn’t be following him… sooner.

Madam, we all make mistakes.

I made one today, but I’m unsure whether to “come” clean, Madam. Let’s say this: It involves a dirty blonde, a bathroom cabinet, and looking up black lights on Amazon. Doing such things brings joy but not happiness. Didn’t I say something some time ago about words like happiness, home, and acceptance? That’s one more reason I read—new words.

Speaking of which. I will need a new title if I want to talk to my Dear Future Wife. Right?

Tomorrow will be a new start. Yeah, keeping say that.

Meditations? In honor of Marcus Aurelius. How dare I, right? And Virgil was also a Roman. And considering “my” country is going the way of the Romans… But not today. I’m much too busy being anything but happy. But Madam, baring that, coming so close…

First and foremost, it was holding my son. Knowing that someone loved me. That’s happiness? And then knowing I saved a life. That loving Braxton got me to save Virgil.

The nights when Braxton, his honorary aunt, and I would watch movies on the couch. What I may or may not have done this afternoon staring at some beautiful woman…

Quoting Mad World, “The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.” Happiness On Anyday But Birth.

“A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys” ― Andrew Ryan, Bioshock

1247 Days Without B III, Day 688 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 362 ~Virgil Writes B Papers~

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How would another dead tree bring Braxton back to me? Would it erase the worries of Virgil’s dog food receipts? And if anything, could I write enough so I would never have to step foot in the Day Job again? I promised B! But “Virgil Writes B Papers.”

Thursday, June 27, 2024

Tale 362 ~Virgil Writes B Papers~

1243 Days Without B III, Day 684 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’m here. So you know what that means. I would rather be elsewhere. With you…

I’m only one note away, on any given day, B. But I’m too lazy to write a “going to join my boy” letter. Know what I mean. And I’m sure everything I’ve written would be lost online beneath you, yabbos, and the yellow of my cowardice. Speaking of which, Virgil…

Am I going back to worrying about the Day Job? Nah. I’m keeping it. But the pay is not doing me any favors. And if it isn’t the green of those dollars, it’s the yellow of training pads for Virgil. I will have to switch out an energy shot habit, for Virgil Vivi being afraid.

Shouldn’t he be? Look what happened to you? How much paper did it take to put you in a box?

I shouldn’t be so mean, B. But I’ve been beating myself up all this week. Do you remember when you would play around with your toys? I swear! Braxton, your tail or Little B would fall off when your aunt was around. Virgil Vivi doesn’t have those boy problems. Ha!

He’s only drinking and eating from your bowls. He’s using your old carpet. And your training spot? I swear he can’t aim, or he still smells you around. I’ve tried washing it several times. And for all the reasons, I brought Virgil here. One was that he could go on the paper. Was that me being lazy again? Sounds better than I heard your ghost…

Ghost stories, tales about girls, GULP. My writing is bad.

I told you I’ve been beating myself up in more ways than one. I was writing to this girl yesterday. Not “your mother” material. Anyway, I told her the truth, and you can guess what happened. With you, B, money was no object. But B, I’m frugal with girls’ Yabbos.

Only there’s food, financing a book habit, and paying for stuff with a fur buddy. Dear Braxton, be honest; would it help if Virgil didn’t have these reminders of you? What about if I wasn’t all about effing all the time because… I got 99 Problems and with some paper…

Cash, cleaning supplies, an actual copy of some book I’ve written. All these letters to you, my only son… Uh, Virgil? Virgil Writes B Papers

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 361 ~Virgil Becomes Routine, Braxton~

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I relate to Joe Stevens in “The Mill,” Bingham Madsen in Fifteen Million Merits, #000000014 from the film 2003 Share? Clarence in The Book of Clarence. Men in routines to a wife, Abi, girlfriends, a mom. I got Virgil. Virgil Becomes Routine, Braxton.

Wednesday, June 26, 2024

Tale 361 ~Virgil Becomes Routine, Braxton~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. Well, not if you’ve “joined Braxton.” That’s become my new way of saying “unalive.” Censorship sometimes, Inspector Echo…

But this morning, after I finished mourning the loss of my Braxton… Is that something that needs to be scheduled? It’s my morning routine. I lie in the darkness, Inspector. Moments later, I panic. And then I realize that my son, Braxton, is gone. And he’s not coming back to me or for me. And then I lay back down. Sometime later, I find my glasses, and finally, I’m prepared to see the world. Well, no, that’s a lie for two reasons. Fear and effing.

So after I’m done moaning in a completely different way… For legs, breasts, and thighs…

That makes me smile. Braxton thought the best came out of a box of chicken. But then, what’s next on my agenda. My boy, Virgil?

All these motivations I listen to tell me that your success is made in your routine. This week will be so easy. I thought. I would publish a poetry compilation, “GULP,” and that would be that. But if I have accomplished anything, it’s setting a routine for Virgil. Wake up and let him go outside… Sorry, I’m too busy crying. And then I remember how much of an adult I am with my Yabbos collections. And before I start writing…

There’s Virgil. Sometime in the afternoon, Virgil again. Like having a 9 to 5, Virgil is my commute. And before I fall asleep with all the lights on, Yep, you guessed it. Let V out.

And yet I ain’t his Daddy, Inspector. What am I?

I asked Braxton’s aunt once who she thought would win between androids vs. zombies? That’s a weird question, Inspector… Right?

She said androids, but here’s the thing. Neither one is alive. Just like me, Inspector. I struggle with ‘becoming Human’ and ‘Being a man ‘. Am I just going through the motions, like an android? Have I ever truly lived? Inspector, I feel like a lot of things, an android… Inspector, I could be a bot, Infected, a slave, a zombie… I could go on. How to be a man?

I keep going back to fatherhood being the epitome of manhood. A Man Provides, Echo.

And what I should have provided this week, Inspector Echo, is time enough at last…

Every afternoon, though, you’ll find me “spending my dimes, wasting my time” on my belly.

Or on my back moaning…

Routine? Not writing, filming, reviewing? Nothing! Virgil Becomes Routine, Braxton

1242 Days Without B III, Day 683 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 360 ~Virgil, Braxton Makes Paper~

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It’s Only A Paper Moon… Nope. According to the publisher, it’s been six years. So, the moon is very real. Moving the tides but not turning the pages of all I’ve written. About love? No, Braxton left three years ago. “Virgil, Braxton Makes Paper”

Tuesday, June 25, 2024

Tale 360 ~Virgil, Braxton Makes Paper~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? I wake up every day with a heart bursting with love for you. But today, my love, I also woke up with something else. Hmm…

Hope. Such mad hope. But there it is. Huh. I’d rather wake up with a fervent hope, a desire to see my son Braxton. Alive, thriving, and brimming with the joy of life once more.

I love you and our family. I’ll Always Love My Mama. I have a younger sister and two nephews. I’d only need a little paper to make a list of all those that I love.

Speaking of which, why did I wake up with hope… Do not worry, my love; despite my business leanings, I haven’t gone all out, like the characters in ‘Succubus Lord, ‘Satan’s Sorority Girls, ‘Bikini Days, ‘and ‘Backyard Dungeon. ‘ These are just some of the books I’ve been reading in my free time. Love, didn’t I say I have a lot of time to read?

Today, I woke up with a glimmer of hope. It was sparked by a dream, a memory from six years ago when I heard from that publishing company. The dream, though fleeting, brought back a surge of emotions and a renewed sense of possibility. Really?

Time has a way of slipping through our fingers, doesn’t it? I’ve spent the past three years in mourning, and I know there will be more. But please, don’t hold that against me. I yearn for a different kind of love. One that’s not confined to paper or literary aspirations. I want to be a lover, not just a lyricist… sometimes. I want a tangible love that I can hold in my arms and feel in my heart every day.

Someone You Loved… I hope someone you love shouldn’t require so much paperwork, Baby Doll. But again, with all my extra time, there is a lot of it. Now you know why I would rather look at shapely Yabbos all day. Or dream that my Braxton is watching over me.

But I can write this all down. And what does it mean to you, love?

The critic says it’s a mess. My account hints that I need more paper. Every time you hand me something to read, Darling… Well, that’s rare. But being a parent with all our children’s drawings, dealing with grades, and deciding that they want to follow in my footsteps… with writing at least. I don’t want to be their dad on paper or with our DNA. I want to be their dad in every sense of the word, guiding, supporting, and loving them unconditionally. I must.

You, love? Well, you’ve always been more of a More Than Words type of woman. You’ve been my inspiration, strength, and reason to keep going. Writing about us would be enough to put all those books I mentioned to shame. And then there’s the studio, “selling” experiences, and several cosplays. Such love for my business.

Braxton, though, you and our family. Virgil. While I’m a paperboy. Virgil, Braxton Makes Paper

1241 Days Without B III, Day 682 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 359 ~Feeling Good Is A Responsibility~

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Money, Power, Women… Everything wouldn’t make me happy. Braxton couldn’t even do that. But he was better than most women. He made me want to be better. Why, it’s almost like being in love. Now it’s my “burden?” “Feeling Good Is A Responsibility”

Monday, June 24, 2024

Tale 359 ~Feeling Good Is A Responsibility~

Three-Hundredth And Forty-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice
Rules are made to be broken… And those that aren’t, I don’t need to be reminded of. Like someone asking, how are you?

Give me my son back, and then we’ll talk. I mean, I haven’t washed Braxton’s bedding or favorite toy to this very day. I’ll need his DNA at some point. If this week works out. Oh! So I’m going to finish a book this week. Am I feeling okay, Madam. It’s been 1240 Days. And I continue to mourn my son’s euthanasia. Feeling Good? Oh No! The depth of my grief is the norm. And they say it’s no one’s responsibility to make you happy. It is yours. It’s mine…

So write the book and “go get the money, go get the money,” as the song goes. But that’s not living “my” purpose. Am I trying to sound like a motivational speech? How I wish.

But having money feels better.

Now, if I can’t get my son, Braxton, back, If I can’t feel the warm and fuzzies for little Virgil…

POWER! No one man should have all that power. And I don’t mean in a physical sense per se. Madam, there is literally another rule that talks about how money makes a man look. A man? Haven’t I been talking about manhood equating to fatherhood? And some of the men that I admire most… I don’t know if they have families of their own. Sigh.

When you spend the better part of the day looking up new adult starlets, you find out the men they’re with, too. To have a body like that? To make women like them, Madam… Uh…

Yearn, Yell, Yield… That’s power.

And Scarface said it best:

“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then, when you get the money, you get the power. Then, when you get the power, then you get the women.”

I want to feel good, if only for a little while. But I need money to spend. And I am struggling to find the energy to stay awake today. But what wakes me up every day? Rather, how do I feel when I wake up in the morning? I check the foot of the bed for B. Then I check his bed. The longing for the past is a constant companion. My Braxton is gone!

And Virgil? Sometimes, he’s on ‘my’ bed. Other times, I have to set up the gate, and he sleeps in Braxton’s room. Which leaves me alone to what? I look for various distractions, like bigger and smaller Yabbos, to fill the void. I know. Eww!

But if I want to make the good feelings last… I must take responsibility. Had I done this before, I wouldn’t need any ACCEPTANCE. Braxton being gone? No! Never! But… Feeling Good Is A Responsibility.

“A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys” ― Andrew Ryan, Bioshock

1240 Days Without B III, Day 681 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will